Thursday, November 15, 2012


Today, like yesterday, and the day before that, I had to resist the urge to climb into bed, curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out until I could eventually sleep.

These past few days have been rough. So rough. They are the kind of days where you are positive everything you have done up until this point has been wrong and you've screwed your life up beyond repair, and oh, yeah, sorry kids, because I'm the mom it means I've screwed up your life too.

The past few days have been a series of nothing-going-right, bad news, stress, anger, fighting, yelling, questioning, and wanting to just give up and go to bed. Maybe if I could just sleep for a week, I'd wake up and things would be better?

This is nothing new for me. I've spoken about dealing with depression before. It comes in cycle, and I'm definitely in a down one right now. And it sucks. It sucks for me. It sucks for the people who have to be around me. It just sucks.

I know a part of it is hormonal. I'm on these hormone blockers that make it so much easier for me to feel down. And my period came back. Yes back. You may remember in August I had an ablation done in an attempt to stop my periods because I was having issues with them. Well, it worked. Until 3ish weeks ago. {No, I am not on my second period in 3 weeks either. I'm still on my first. Sigh}. Throw in some surgery (more drugs) into the mix, some car trouble, some more stress and anxiety, and frankly, I am one hot mess.

It's not that I want to feel like this, but I don't know how to stop it. It's not that I don't care about things, but I just don't care enough to want to do anything. It's not that I want to over-react or yell or cry, but I don't know to stop it or calm it down or get control over it.

As I'm typing this, my piano is getting tuned. Our tuner is playing the note, adjusting wires, playing adjusting, playing a chord, adjusting. And I wish I could be adjusted. Like there was some magical way to turn down the sad, the bad, the not caring, the anger, the frustration, and turn up the happiness and smiles and laughter. Like, hey doc, I'm here, tune me. Things have gotten off kilter.

But no, a one hour appointment will not adjust me. There are no quick fixes for this. But. I haven't given up hope yet. My 3- and 6-month check-ups are looming - from tomorrow until Nov 30 I have 7 doctor's appointments to go to. You can bet that this will be brought up. Because I think I deserve better and my family deserves better.

In the meantime, I'm working on taking a step back and just breathing before reacting. I'm trying to be gentler to those around me, and myself.


  1. I"M sorry honey! I wish I could wave the magic wand and make it all go away. Have you thought about seeing a homeopathic doc too? My oncologist sent me to one. It did wonders for my mental health. A little acupuncture to release toxins, some supplements and I feel so much better

  2. Oh, Brandie. I wish I could make it better. And here you are trying to make things better for me. I love you.

    1. I tried to e-mail you, but I can't ... anyway. Of course. Because if I've learned one thing during this life, it's that I can't shut myself off from helping others just because I feel like crud. Otherwise, nothing in this world would get done. And (((hugs))) to you

  3. First - the ablation thing - UGH. I'm sorry. That alone would make any of us upset.

    Add in everything else - oy. I'm sorry it's a rough time. I wish there were easy tune ups we could do, too. It's good, though, that you realize it and see it for what it is. I hope that you're able to find a good mix of doctor help and physical/mental stimulation to help bring yourself to an upswing.

  4. The image of being tuned like a piano is so beautiful. If only it were that easy! I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now, since my dad died, and if I was hoping for a quick fix - boy was I wrong! But things have improved for me over time. I hope you are able to find that as well.

  5. I'm so sorry it's been such a bad year. I look forward to giving you a big hug tomorrow.

  6. Totally understand the mood swings... Hate them. I wish I could schedule them for when I have TIME to be depressed...

    Miss you. Hope you're going to the Chitag on Saturday so I can give you a big old hug.

  7. So sorry that it has been so rough. Do give yourself time to breathe.


Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)