Today

Today, like yesterday, and the day before that, I had to resist the urge to climb into bed, curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out until I could eventually sleep.

These past few days have been rough. So rough. They are the kind of days where you are positive everything you have done up until this point has been wrong and you've screwed your life up beyond repair, and oh, yeah, sorry kids, because I'm the mom it means I've screwed up your life too.

The past few days have been a series of nothing-going-right, bad news, stress, anger, fighting, yelling, questioning, and wanting to just give up and go to bed. Maybe if I could just sleep for a week, I'd wake up and things would be better?

This is nothing new for me. I've spoken about dealing with depression before. It comes in cycle, and I'm definitely in a down one right now. And it sucks. It sucks for me. It sucks for the people who have to be around me. It just sucks.

I know a part of it is hormonal. I'm on these hormone blockers that make it so much easier for me to feel down. And my period came back. Yes back. You may remember in August I had an ablation done in an attempt to stop my periods because I was having issues with them. Well, it worked. Until 3ish weeks ago. {No, I am not on my second period in 3 weeks either. I'm still on my first. Sigh}. Throw in some surgery (more drugs) into the mix, some car trouble, some more stress and anxiety, and frankly, I am one hot mess.

It's not that I want to feel like this, but I don't know how to stop it. It's not that I don't care about things, but I just don't care enough to want to do anything. It's not that I want to over-react or yell or cry, but I don't know to stop it or calm it down or get control over it.

As I'm typing this, my piano is getting tuned. Our tuner is playing the note, adjusting wires, playing adjusting, playing a chord, adjusting. And I wish I could be adjusted. Like there was some magical way to turn down the sad, the bad, the not caring, the anger, the frustration, and turn up the happiness and smiles and laughter. Like, hey doc, I'm here, tune me. Things have gotten off kilter.

But no, a one hour appointment will not adjust me. There are no quick fixes for this. But. I haven't given up hope yet. My 3- and 6-month check-ups are looming - from tomorrow until Nov 30 I have 7 doctor's appointments to go to. You can bet that this will be brought up. Because I think I deserve better and my family deserves better.

In the meantime, I'm working on taking a step back and just breathing before reacting. I'm trying to be gentler to those around me, and myself.