Reading, Justin Cronin, and Chemobrain

Sometime back in 2010, I was listening to the radio, and I heard an interview with this author Justin Cronin.

At the time I didn't know who he was, had never heard of him before. But the interview hooked me in. (I think the interview might have been Terry Gross, but I'm not 100% sure).

Cronin was talking about how his new book, The Passage, came to be. He would run while his daughter biked and they talked books and plots and what they should write about. His daughter was nine and naturally wanted a book where a nine-year-old girl was an important character. And so The Passage was born.

I knew it was a horror book. I knew it had vampires/zombie things in it. I knew that wasn't quite what I was reading about at the time. But when I heard that interview, I was sold. I needed to read this book that I was hearing about. Mostly because I was sold on the father/daughter creation of it.

Plus, we had a big trip coming up - a train trip from Chicago to Boston and so I would have a lot of time to kill. The Passage, when I looked it up, was a huge book and would be perfect for the train. So I downloaded it onto my new e-reader and dove in.

I. Loved. That. Book.

I couldn't put it down. I'm pretty sure my family got annoyed with me saying, "just let me get to the end of the page and I'll be there!" When it ended, I wanted to cry. I needed the second book right then. Of course, the first book had just come out, so the waiting game began.

Then April 2011 hit. And cancer hit. My own personal nightmare, which had nothing to do with vampires or vampire-like creatures, or anything you find in a horror books played out in front of me.

During treatment, I all but stopped reading. I was physically incapable of reading - the meds messed with my eyes very badly and words looked like they were dancing across the page. I tried some audio books. I was mentally incapable of reading. I couldn't remember anything they had just said. I basically gave up on reading.

This was hard, I've always been a reader. Books, more than once in my life, had been my best friend. Reading was a vital part of my life - I was always reading.

But treatment ended and my eyes got better, so I decided to try to read again. And the chemobrain raged in full force. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't remember the line I had just read. I couldn't remember which character was who.

Again, frustration hit.

It was suggested that I go back and start to read children's books. And I did. And I could keep track of them better, and I worked my way up to books aimed at middle schoolers. And the books were good, but not exactly what I wanted to be reading. I know middle school is tough, but one more bad lunchroom scene and I was going to lose it.

So I kept trying to go back to "adult" books and I just couldn't. I couldn't keep up with them. It was too much for my brain.

But.
But.

The Twelve, part two of the series, came out late 2012. And I was going to read come hell or high water.

I can't tell you how many times I restarted that book. How many pages I had to read, then reread, then reread again. How I would sometimes google characters names to place them in my head when I forgot who they were.

But I was in love with the series, and the second book, despite me having lots of trouble reading it, didn't dampen my love for the story or my desire to know what happened.

It took a long time, but I read, finished, and remembered what happened in The Twelve.

For me, this series will be a direct measure of what I could do before cancer, and what I could do after cancer.

The first book I sailed through. The second book almost felt like it was in a language I didn't know very well. But, when I got through it? I felt so accomplished. Take that cancer. Take that chemobrain. I finished a book!

Which takes us to today. In a week and a half, the third (and final) book comes out. The City of Mirrors. I have already ordered the book. I can't wait to get my hands on it. I plan on reading nonstop until I finish. Okay, I can't actually read nonstop because people in my house need to be driven places and fed and have laundry done and all that jazz, but I'm going to read it as nonstop as possible.

But tomorrow, I'm heading into the city to attend BookCon.
And Justin Cronin will be there.
And I'm going to do try really really hard to get his autograph.

He doesn't know it, but his book, about an apocalyptic time in America was perfectly time with my own personal apocalypse. The first book will always be what I read before cancer. The second book will always be what I read after cancer with really bad chemobrain. And I'm hoping the third book will be the book I read after the chemobrain is a lot better.

One book series to help map what I could do, what I couldn't do, what I could work hard to do, and what I could do again.

And I can't wait.

Books for me have power. There is power in them, whether it's a light beach read, a heavy dark novel, an account of history, fantasy, fiction, nonfiction, whatever is written on those pages? It's powerful for me. I love books. I love reading books. As I get older, the types of books I read grows and grows. I make a point to read every single day.

So when I think back to the time that cancer stole that from me? It's so hard. To know there was a time when I walked away from reading because it was too much? That's a hard time to remember.

But coming back to it, no matter how hard? That makes me feel good.

So tomorrow I shall walk around all day, surrounded by books. I can't wait to see all there is to see and I can't wait to meet authors that I've read before. But, I'm really looking forward to seeing Justin Cronin. His books holds a special place in my heart.

So wish me luck, send me get-Cronin's-autograph-vibes-but-don't-scare-him-with-your-enthusiasm-vibes.

=)

2016 Goals

Last week I sat down and thought about the goals I wanted to set for 2016. Many of them, as I mentioned in a previous post, are just continuations of last year's goals. That might seem like I'm being lazy or not pushing myself, but that is not the case at all!

I'm working hard towards some really big goals (to get ALL the digital photos edited/organized/arranged), to finish some really labor-intensive projects, and to read almost every book on a list of over 300.

To try to complete all of that, in the span of one year, would be, well, it might make me explode. It would be setting myself up for failure - and who thinks that sounds like fun? Definitely not me. So over a year ago, I broke everything up into year increments, hence, why so many will seem the same. The good news is that today I'm one year closer to completing everything than I was a year ago. And hopefully, in a year, I'll be another year closer.

With all of that said, I present to you my 2016 Goals!

1. Organize 36 folders of digital photos - last year I got through 2008. So I get to start this year in the Jan 2009 folder (by the way, can I insert here that I'm SO thankfully when we first started using digital photography I sorted pictures into monthly photos). You might be wondering, if they are already in their monthly folder, what am I doing? Well, I'm deleting the bad ones, the duplicates, the blurry photos, the photos you accidentally take of the ground while you're walking (oh, is that last one just me?) I'm also tagging faces, tagging locations, and putting in captions where necessary. This is quite a bit of work, but it's already come in handy many times: people asking if I have pictures of them, or of a certain location, etc, etc. So I'll keep plugging alone. 36 folders will probably be about 2-2 1/2 years of pictures, which means this will be an ongoing project for 5ish years, but better to do it a little at a time then not do it at all!

2. Read 50 books, with a minimum of 30 from the Rory Gilmore Reading list - yep, another carry-over from last year. But, this goal pushed me to read more last year than I have in quite some time. And with over 300 books on the Rory Gilmore list, only about 9 years to finish that huge list! But it's good. I like reading. And I need a reminder to turn off the tv more often. Of course, some of these will be audio books - which I can listen to while driving, walking, or working on some projects. Which leads me to the next goal ...

3. Finish the train needlepoint project - I'm not going to lie, I'm so mad I didn't finish last year like I wanted. Even though I was happy that I worked on it so much, I wanted it to be done so I could give it to me son, who has been waiting since late 2011 to get it. So, it would be nice to be done with it! IF, a big if, I finish it earlier enough in the year, I have another cross stitch project that I'll throw in it's place and start to work on (that also needs several years of work at my pace to get finished) BUT nothing new until this is done.

4. Make three things for myself - sew one, knit one, sew three, knit three, however it works out. I want to make myself three things this coming year. I'm not sure quite yet what those three things will be, but I think at least one will be a skirt I've been wanting to make for a few years now. I just need to force myself to sit at the machine and sew!

5. Blog twice per week - I got pretty close to this goal last year, and I think if I just push a bit harder, I'll make it this year. The trick will be to keep doing it next year and the next year!

6. Comment on other blogs three times per week - That's not that much really. And I read a lot of blogs - but usually on my phone where commenting is a pain. So I just need to get on the computer and read and let other bloggers know that hey, I'm here, and I'm reading, and I love your words always. I know how much a comment means to me. I imagine it is just as nice for others to get them too!

7. Cook a new cookbook recipe twice a month - Okay, I love cookbooks. I own a ton. But I don't hardly use them. Mostly because I hate cooking. So I'm going to try to reach into the cookbook collection more often and make keeping the cookbooks on a shelf worth while. Plus, many of them have great baking recipes I should try ;-)

8. Complete organizational tasks - I have 7 tasks spread out through the year that I want to make sure I do this year. This includes organizing the kitchen (due to a much welcomed influx of items over the holiday season), organizing the Christmas items, going through the bathrooms and chucking all the expired medicines, etc. The things that need to get done, but tend to be forgotten about.

9. Organize 6 Stupid Cancer meet-ups in my area - that's one every other month. We have a facebook group, but don't get together for face-to-face meet ups. But I've been attending a Young Survivor Coalition meet up over most of last year and it's a good thing. So I'm going to make it my mission to set up some face-to-face meetings because I think it will be a good thing. Plus, aside from setting goals this year, I did pick a guiding word and the word I picked was Connection. So this fits in nicely with that. I figure, I can have too many connections to others in my life, so here's one way to make them happen!

10. Well, ten is a secret. I mean probably not for you, but maybe for somebody reading this. If I finish it, I'll unveil it at Christmas time. And that's all you get to know about that! ;-)


10 Goals to complete this year. Not too shabby I think. I'll diligently work on them throughout the year, since most will require a lot of time to finish! I'm ready though. I want to get these projects completed because I know it will feel SO SO SO SO SO good. So I'm ready to rock another year!

When tv and books collide

 *As a reminder, I am part of the Netflix Streamteam. I am being compensated for sharing with you, but as always, all thoughts and opinions are my own. 

At the start of the year, I mentioned I had watched Marco Polo (a Netflix original series) to get me through some sleepless nights.

I've been fascinating with thinking about this show, the time period, and other things.

Also, I try to drop Genghis Khan into as many conversations as I can.

This shouldn't be surprising as I also love history. And no, Marco Polo isn't actual history, but the backdrops, the scenery, and all of that, help one picture what it might have been like during Genghis Khan's time, albeit with a Hollywood take.

Watch the show - the land is beautiful. I think that every time I watch it (oh, why yes, I have watched it more than once!). I am enjoying the story line as well and can't wait to see where they take it in season two.

 That aside, I recently came across the book On the Trail of Genghis Khan: An Epic Journey through the Lands of the Nomads and I just knew I had to pick it up and read it.

I really enjoyed this book. Tim Cope is able to weave a tail that intertwines his adventures today with history and tells an amazing tale of man and horse and describes a relationship so wonderful, I sort of want to get a horse.

As I read, I kept picturing some of the wide open spaces from Marco Polo - which was filmed in Italy and a studio but also in Kazakhstan, where part of Cope's journey takes place.

Somehow thinking of the two books together: one a fictionalized version of history, one of how that history is still alive today mixed in with many facts, seemed to come together in my mind beautifully.

This might be because as I watch Marco Polo, I often wonder what is based on history and what is fiction. Now I have a clearer picture in my mind (it's mostly fiction, but I still love it). The scenery of the show helped the journey of the book come alive in my mind.

It's a perfect pairing I think!

Of course, I'm still hungry for more information. I think I'll dive deeper into learning more about Genghis Khan, Marco Polo, and the time period. But for now, I've got a better understanding!

Momma Don't You Worry

Momma Don't You Worry by Louie Lawent, is a cute, quick e-book for young children (ages 5-7).  It's a catchy poem with some cute illustrations that I think kids and parents will both like!


In Momma Don't You Worry, a young boy, who feels he is all grown up at the ripe, old age of 6, doesn't understand why he must stay by his mom. So he tells his mother not to worry about him so very much. Of course, as children are prone to do, he wanders away to look at something else and ends up lost.

As a mother of three, I remember this phase very well. Oh, who am I kidding. I still have a 9 year old who doesn't always stay by me even when he should. But it's hard to explain to kids why they are still little kids when they feel so grown up inside.

It's a quick read, and one I think a child could memorize easily and be able to "read" along with as well. (Side note: memorizing books and reading along with them is actually a great step towards reading, which many kids at the 5/6 mark are working on, so this book serves a double bonus!)

I would have loved to have read this book to my kids at that age, and still read it to my 9 year old now so that maybe (ahem, in parking lots) he'll still hold my hand even though he thinks he much too grown up to do so! ;-)

Note: Mr. Lawent approached me and asked me if I would be interested in doing a review for him. I said yes and was given an electronic copy of the book to look over, but as always, all opinions and thoughts are my own!

Knit Gifts

I love nothing more than to knit people gifts, so when I was given a chance to review More Last-Minute Knitted Gifts by Joelle Hoverson, I jumped at the chance!

The book has been out for awhile, but I hadn't yet had a chance to look it over. I've read Last-Minute Knitted Gifts (also by Hoverson) and knit from it, so I figured it was a good chance I'd like the More book as well, and I was right!

 I loved so many of the projects in this book that I really think I could make most of them. Of course, I think they'd make great gifts or they'd just be nice to keep around this house as well! The projects range from knitting for baby, to children, to adults, to things to put around your house.

The projects are arranged by how much time they will take to make. The first section is less-than-2-hour gifts. Then the 2-to-4-hour gifts. Each section goes up by two hours until the last section, which is more-than-8-hour gifts.

I skimmed through the patterns and found them to be well written with clear directions. Just to be sure though, I decided to whip up one of the smaller projects - a lovely book mark.

I received this green yarn in a swap years ago, but it's just this little bit and I never knew what to make with it. When I saw the linen bookmark in the book, I just knew that my little hank of green yarn had been waiting for this pattern.

The bookmark was easy to make, the directions were simple and clear. And it took me about an hour to knit it. Since it came from the less-than-2-hours section, this was perfect. As I was snapping pictures, my daughter came up and was admiring it, and so in the spirit of the book, I decided to gift her the bookmark!  
 
The pictures that accompany the project directions not only show you what you are making, but are simply gorgeous.

At the end of the book, Hoverson includes some creative ways to wrap your gifts. I thought this was a fun addition to the book and one way it stands apart from most knitting books I've read.

I think this book would be a welcome addition to any knitter's library. I can definitely see myself making many of the patterns in this book.

*Note: I was given access to an e-copy of this book via NetGalley
with the expectation that I would review the book. As always, all thoughts and opinions are my own!

World War I Quilts

*Note: I received this book through Net Galley, with the expectation that I would review it. As always, all thoughts and opinions are my own! 

In World War I Quilts, Sue Reich takes us on a journey of the quilts of the rather short time period.

The book is a mix of information, gorgeous pictures, and newspaper stories from the time of the Great War.

The book opens by telling us what the quilt trends were going into the war: red work, tobacco flannel, crazy quilts, etc. These were the quilts women and med were making in America at the time.

But then comes The Great War and the Spanish Flu, and things take a different course.

When we think of women making things during the war, we often picture them knitting socks or rolling bandages. Which many did. But there was also a great deal of quilt making going on.

Quilts were made and auctioned to earn money to get supplies, send care packages, help support the local Red Cross. Quilts were made and sent to soldiers when they could be. Quilts were a way to be creative and to help out.

The quilts pictured in World War I quilts are gorgeous. These quilts that were handmade, hand embroidered, machine pieced, machine stitched. There were crazy quilts, red work quilts, many quilts with the Red Cross symbol. Women were busy stitching their quilts together ... stitch by stitch.

And not just women. Men participated, boys participated, girls participated. The whole country came together to do what they could to support the troops on the battlefront.

Many quilts were made by groups and quilted during quilting bees.  Though, the Spanish Flu paused this as people were encouraged to not be in groups. The Spanish Flu also had some devastating consequences: many quilts of the time were burned in an effort to stop the spread of the flu further. I was unaware of quilts (and clothing and other various pieces of cloth) being burned and I kind of want to weep about how many lovingly-made quilts were lost this way.

After the war, quilts continued to be made. These were known as Poppy Quilts (yes, like the poppies we wear for Memorial Day). Poppies became an important motif in many quilts, and some were auctioned off to support local VFW's.

In addition to the information presented in the book, there were many photographs of some gorgeous quilts. I think I could flip through and just look at the pictures many times and still never tire of them. A couple of them, I'd love to print out for my own creative inspiration wall as well!

I also thought the newspaper snippets were so interesting as well and added an extra something to the book. They gave me a good understanding of just how important these quilts were to so many, how much good they brought to people, and allowed me to see how whole communities rallied around these quilts. I also appreciate any documents from the time period when reading historical books!

I really enjoyed reading this book and learned a few things I had been unaware of previously. Now that I'm through it, my fingers are itching to start a redwork patriotic themed quilt. Naturally, I'll have to finish the million and one other projects I've got started!

If you'd like to see a couple of the quilts in this book, head on over to Reich's website!

Leaving Before The Rains Come

As I mentioned in my January round-up post, I have been doing quite a bit of reading lately! So I thought today, I would leave a review of something I've read recently! 

*Please note, I was given an electronic copy of this book for free with the expectation that I would review it. However, all thoughts and opinions are my own!

Alexandra Fuller's new book, Leaving Before the Rains Come, weaves stories of her childhood in Africa amongst the story of her marriage.

Fuller's childhood was no stranger to adversity. Growing up in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe) she saw several wars take place, lost siblings, watched her mother spiral into depression, and relied on her older sister Vanessa to help care for her.

Life was chaotic, accidents happened, pain was felt, and yet, the family kept going - with a fair amount of alcohol to get them through.

As Fuller grew she longed for more, and in her early twenties, met Charlie. Charlie. A man from America. A man who seemed stable. Who didn't drink. Who understood more than most visitors, the area Fuller grew up in. And she was in love.

After a brief courtship, they two were married. And from there, Fuller pretty much starts to drown. She can't get work. She can't manage the help they have hired. Adulthood is nothing like she had imagined it. And despite knowing her parents relationship was not perfect, there was a charm in how they had stuck together all these years and were in love through it all.

After the birth of their first child, Charlie and Alexandra pack up and move to America. A place that was wonderful and crazy, and fast-paced, and not what she expected. As she learns to live in this country, where as a blond-haired, blue-eyed girl most took for granted she was born and raised here until she talked, she has to juggle the demands of a growing family, and maintaining a marriage while knowing that something is missing.

As she tells the tale of her marriage, she intertwines stories from her childhood, and often stories that involve her father. Charlie, a man she picked in part because he was so opposite of her family, had no chance to live up to the standards her father had set.

As the marriage is spiraling, the financial crisis hits. Money is tight. Alexandra doesn't understand money and mortgages and second mortgages and money is yet another strain on her.

This book is often heartbreaking to read. The ending is clear from the beginning, despite pulling for the marriage to succeed, for money to magically fall from the sky. But this is a work of non-fiction, not a happily-ever-after fiction story. And while a few miracles are thrown into the mix, none that can save a drowning marriage.

I love Fuller's writing. I enjoyed reading her views on America, and our need to constantly be busy and our concept of time.

The story is not an uplifting one, though, and left me feeling sad. But I suppose this is real life - there are ups and downs, and it is nice to read about a life that isn't sugar-coated. Fuller's honesty and rawness radiated through the pages. Despite having not been in her shoes, I felt her story to the core.

2015 Goals

In years past I've set resolutions.

I've picked words to guide my year.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Because sometimes I'm more motivated and sometimes I'm not. And sometimes things happen that change plans.

And yet, this year, I'm ready to go again. So I've set a few goals for the year. We'll see how it goes. I want these goals to be fun, help me grow, etc. So if they become a burden, then I shall re-evaluate.

1. Make a granny square every weekday of 2015 - yes, I said every weekday. The weekend will be a break or a time to catch up should I need it.

2. Read 40 books, with 30 of them being from the Rory Gilmore Reading List

3. Organize three years worth of digital pictures - bonus if I can get through more, but I'll be happy with just three years. Basically this means I delete the bad ones, tag faces, tag locations and leave any stories behind the picture if it needs to be

4. Organize scrapbooking items/keepsakes - I have boxes of scrapbooking things and of keepsakes. I need to get things organized and in proper boxes. I also need to weed through things and probably get rid of things. When we moved, this part of looking through things was just too daunting, so all of these boxes were just stacked and moved. It's time to delve in. Since there is no move this upcoming year and a lot of other things were done before the move, I should be able to focus on this.

5. Finish a train embroidery project - I've been working on this for too long. It's time to finish! Of course, once it's finished, I have other projects waiting in the wings ready to be worked on too. But, for now, I'll focus on this one and call it a day.

6. Make money from my knitting - I don't know how this will work or if it will. But I'd love to bring in an income, even a tiny one. And I love to knit so it seems like a good fit? We'll see.

7. On the blogging side of things, it's to blog twice a week. I feel like that should be doable, though I don't always average that. Though I want to make sure I'm not blogging nothing just to get a post up.

8. Also related to blogging, I need to be a better commenter on other blogs. I love getting comments. I assume others do as well. So I shall try to spread the love better and make sure I'm not just writing here, but reading other blogs as well.

8 goals. It may not seem like much, but there it is! I'm ready to go and tackle things. I've got quite a few plans in place to get things done. I've got the month of January done in my bullet journal and most of February done as well. Many of these goals are in the book already - nothing will get done in month one, but I should make some good progress in January. And hopefully in December I can come back to this list and say yep, finished that; yep, finished that; oh, cross that one off too!

What about you? Have you set any goals or resolutions or picked a word (or a few) to help guide your 2015? Share! 

What I'm Streaming December

*As a reminder, I am part of the Netflix Streamteam. I am being compensated for sharing with you, but as always, all thoughts and opinions are my own.

Happy New Year's Eve!

If you are going out tonight because you have fantastic plans, enjoy.

As for me and my family, we'll be home, lounging in pajamas and relaxing! Not that I'd mind a night out, but I also am very okay with just hanging out at home!

I'm sure some of our night will be spent watching some Netflix. I totally
want to see the King Julien countdown - because my son already watched every episode of King Julien! Yes, it just came out, but he LOVED it! He told me he's going to let me make a video of him telling the world why he likes it and I can share it here. We haven't done it yet, but I do plan to!

As for me, I had some pretty sleepless nights a few weeks ago thanks to the steroids I was on. I was warned that they would make me not want to sleep and oh boy did they ever! So I spent my nights streaming Marco Polo.

I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it and do hope a season 2 comes out.

The story had me hooked. Though, there is probably hardly any historical accuracy in the show, that's not what I was watching it for so I was okay with it. I liked many of the characters in the show too - not limited to Polo's character.

I will, however, never say Genghis Khan the same again (I'll pronounce the first G as a J, like they did on the show because that's how I roll). But I fell in love with the scenery for sure. I'd like to go ride horses around in those hills - it was lovely.

In honor of watching the show, when the husband and I sat down recently to play some Civilization V, I selected the Mongols as my team, and so far it's working out for me. The husband and I are kicking butt in the game! LOL! 

Of course, now that I've watched it all, I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of every episode of Friends in January and then the big one in February: House of Cards. Is there a way I can just get a copy of House of Cards now? I promise I won't tell anyone a single spoiler!

In addition to what I've been watching, I've also done a fair bit of reading. I have officially started the Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge. Someone sat down and wrote down all the books referenced in the show - which I love the show and saw so many people watching it since it came to Netflix and it inspired me to start reading. I had read 38 books prior to even learning about the challenge, but in December managed to read 2 more. I'm hoping to get another 30 done by the end of 2015, which I know means 10 years to complete the list, but I'm okay with that!

I'm also bringing others into my madness and I started a group for other people who wanted to maybe do the challenge, or some of it, or just want to talk books! We'll see how it goes this year.

With that said, I want to say Happy New Year to everyone! I hope that your 2014 ends very well and that your 2015 is a good year!

On My Mind

Cancer has been on my mind a lot lately.

Okay, it's kind of pretty much always on my mind ever since I was diagnosed. And even though the cancer is now gone, the side effects of treatment linger and so it's hard for me to "get over it" or to "just stop thinking about it!"

As luck would have it, the current book I'm reading includes the wife dying of cancer - it is in the background, a subplot I guess, it has already happened and all we have is the narrators comments about how it was sprinkled through the main story.

The TV show, which I am binge watching via streaming, also just had one of the big female characters diagnosed with cancer.

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, cancer is in my face.

And the book and show are causing a recall effect for me.

In cancer treatment, there is this thing called radiation recall. If you have radiation first, and then chemotherapy within (I think) 6 months, the chemo can cause your body to recall the radiation side effects and you will experience them again. Now, I did chemo first, but when I did radiation, they warned me the reverse could happen (to a much lesser degree) but I might feel like I did after chemo.

It is strange and weird. I have no idea how it happens, but it does. And it's annoying.

These books and movies are causing me to have what I will now call cancer recall.

When she has to tell her husband she has cancer, I am instantly in tears thinking I have to tell my husband all over.

When she tells her mom, the same thing.

Her hair falling out, suddenly I remember when my hair started to go - how I used to walk around the neighborhood several times a day, combing my fingers through my hair to get out as much as possible so it wouldn't be all over my house because I wasn't ready yet to just shave it all off.

When she shaved her hair, I am back in my bathroom, sitting in my tub, as my husband shaves my head and I have to tell him to stop for a minute because I am just not ready, even though I don't really have a choice and we have to finish, but damn-it, I just need a moment.

When she is bed, sick from chemo, I remember being in bed, sick with chemo.

When she is getting her infusion, shivering, wanting people to talk to her to distract her and yet wanting everyone to just be quiet because being in this chair, getting these medicines, was never part of the plan, I am there too.

And yet, when I get a chance to step out of my own head, what hits me the hardest is not what she is going through, but how the show is portraying her husband going through it and her mother and her siblings. I wonder is that how my family felt. Did they have breakdowns like that when I wasn't around to see them. Did they carry this enormous weight of fear and anxiety but somehow manage to tuck most of it away in an effort to care for me?

It is almost too much to bear honestly.

Yes, I know it's television. Yes, I know things work differently in the real world. Trust me, I am aware at many of the inaccuracies of how cancer is played out on tv, and yet, it gets me right in the gut and right in my heart.

Because I haven't moved on from cancer. Even though I have. I am not stuck back where I was three years ago, but a tiny part of my brain still is. Most of it isn't, thankfully, but sometimes, sometimes everything just comes flooding back and it takes over.

I think it's natural. Or I hope it's natural. I think time makes it better, though I'm only 3 years out here, so that's not much time. I'd really like to get a lot of time from this ... 30 years maybe? That would be nice. I imagine that there will always be a piece of my mind that is in Cancerland. I imagine stories and shows and movies with cancer will always touch a special place, but hopefully someday I can get through them without completely bawling.  

Dodging Dandelions

Dodging Dandelions by Ron Richards

Not that long ago I received an e-mail asking me if I wanted to read and review a new book.

I could tell from the e-mail the book, written by Ron Richards, was at least in part about how his wife had breast cancer. My initial thought was to not take the book. I'm not going to lie, given that the title says "a memoir of love, loss and acceptance" I was pretty sure that at some point, I would be reading about a woman dying from breast cancer.

You can imagine, I'm pretty hesitant to go there. Beyond just my own experience with breast cancer, I've lost too many friends to breast cancer and know too many others who are currently living with stage iv breast cancer.

And yet, somehow I was drawn to this book. A book about breast cancer. Written from a husband's perspective.

That is what drew it to me. My husband has been a rock the last couple of years and has had to assume the role of care giver more than we'd ever wish. But if I ask how he's doing, he says fine. He sometimes says in that I'm joking, but not really joking tone, that even if he wasn't fine, he certainly wouldn't tell me about it.

So I decided to take up the offer - be sent the book in exchange for blogging about it (though, here's where I throw in despite the fact that they gave me the book, all opinions are my own). I wanted to get a husband's point of view. And I just hoped that even if the book felt overwhelming to me at times, that I'd be able to get through it.

The book arrived. I was hesitant to start it at first, and we had a brief trip away from home, so I set it aside. But last week I finally felt ready to dive in.

Ron writes an honest and open account of life with his wife Sara and their two children Andrew and Jennifer.

Ron and Sara were leading the typical life - both working, Andrew just a babe (21 months) when they learned Sara had breast cancer.

Sara was 31.

I was 31 when I was diagnosed.

Sara underwent a mastectomy.

I underwent a mastectomy.

I know this story isn't about me, and yet, it's hard to unweave my story from it. I've had almost 3 years to process the words "You have cancer" and stories that are so familiar just bring me back to that moment.

After this, Sara and Ron get a break from cancer. In that time, they adopted a daughter from South Korea. Both of them working, living life. But as Ron write, "Not many days passed when it [cancer] didn't pop into my head, at least for a few moments ... As we looked ahead we figured cancer was something we would see again."

Yes, yes, I found myself nodding along. This is how I feel most days. Not that I'm running around weeping and freaking out, but it's there.

Of course, the cancer comes back. Not just once either.

As they navigate Sara's cancer, and the periods between her cancer, life marches forth, as it always does. Andrew and Jenny grow up. They realize quickly that Jenny has some issues that need to be dealt with - bipolar, oppositional defiant disorder. Ron has his own health issues to deal with.

Just so much for one family to deal with.

And yet, this story is about hope, about not giving up, but giving in to what's going on in your life when it's time.

The story is sad, and yet, it's beautiful. It's beautiful how they manage to stay together even in the hard moments, even when it is work, even when it feels like it might be easier to just give up.

This story sucked me in and wouldn't let me go. Even though I'm done with it now, I feel like I need to sit with it. Absorb it some more.

I appreciated reading things from Ron's perspective. I don't think being a care giver is easy, but it makes me appreciate even more all that my husband went through. I now have a glimpse into what he went through.

Ron's story Dodging Dandelions wasn't about me. But it was hard to separate myself from the story as I read it. I suppose it's normal. And isn't that what a good book is supposed to do? To suck you in? To touch you? To move you?

I think so. And so, I highly recommend Dodging Dandelions. Pick it up. Read it. I hope it moves you as much as it moved me.

Book Club

Last night I went to book club ... it's run through the local library, but we meet at a local restaurant. I don't always make it out to book club, but when I do like it.

Last night, I still had a headache but I went anyway and I think it was good for me. (then I came home and took the medicine that actually helped the headache! yay!)

This month we read the book Defending Jacob by William Landay.

The book is a courtroom drama about a 14yo boy (Jacob) who was charged with murdering a classmate. His father (Andy), the former prosecutor, is telling the story.

The book is part transcript of a grand jury trial and part Andy's memories. Right away I realized that this was not the Grand Jury for Jacob, but another one. However, you don't find out for what until the very end. 

When the murdered boy (Ben) is first found, despite some worries from others about a conflict of interest, he stays on the case. Once charges are brought against Jacob, he is removed from the case and put on leave. (This comes up in the book several times).

Andy and Laurie are besides themselves as they have to watch their son go through this. Andy is convinced of his innocent. Laurie seems to want to believe in his innocence, but unsure. During all of this Andy admits he's been keeping a terrible secret from everyone - his father, who he always said he didn't know - was in jail for murder. And his father before him. And his father before him. 3 generations of men all with a tendency to violence and murder.

And the possibility of a murder gene is introduced and plays into the case, not as heavily as they could have, but more heavily than Andy wanted it to. 

Alright ... now I'm about to talk some SPOILERS. So please stop reading if you don't want to know more about the book than what I've already said!

The case against Jacob isn't airtight. There is another character - Patz who maybe could have done it. As I read it I thought the author's intention was to let us know that Jacob did do it. Somehow, after a particularly bad day in court, Patz commits suicide and leaves a confession note. The charges against Jacob are dropped. After a small cool down period, his family take a trip to Jamaica, and everything seems to be fine. Until the girl Jacob was hanging out with turns up dead. I feel like this was glossed over in the book and it was pretty obviously (I thought anyway) ripped from the headlines of the Natalee Holloway case.

Jacob is never charged with this however, and the family comes home. The father - Andy is convinced Jacob is innocent and is once again just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

And then the book ended in a way that just tore my heart out. (And I don't usually do spoilers but I need to talk this one out). The book ends with the revelation that Laurie (the mother) has purposefully crashed her car, killing Jacob and barely staying alive herself. Like, in the last few pages. This is what the grand jury was about - should Laurie be charged with murder.

My heart stopped beating for a moment. On one hand I get it. I think Laurie felt guilty, felt her son was guilty and wondered how many more people he will hurt, harm, or kill.

But. But. I look at my kids and I think how could I ever hurt them? Or harm them? Or, my goodness, kill them. I still struggle to wrap my mind around it. I just. I can't.

On the other hand, I can't believe the father's complete denial that his son ever did anything wrong at all. I love my kids, but I also know they aren't perfect (neither am I frankly, I never expect perfection for them). They have made mistakes and we deal with it. I hope I never have to deal with them murdering someone, but what parent thinks that that might ever happen? Probably not many.

I finished the book Wednesday and I still have all these questions swirling. Did Jacob really kill Ben? Or Hope (the girl from vacation)? How do murder genes play into it? What's the deal with Patz? The book touches on bullying, and yet, it doesn't. I couldn't tell - teasing I think happened. But did bullying happen? Was Jacob pushed to this or not? And the ending? Crazy.

The writing was good, the book however irked me, too many gray areas, too much unknown. I didn't like it. Of course, I'm probably clouded by the ending to be honest. I just don't understand it.

But alas, I'm glad I read it. I'm glad I went to book group. Next month's book is The Glass Castle. I have high hopes for this one!

Crochet Saved My Life

*I was given the book, but not paid to write this review. As always though, my thoughts and opinions are my own. 

At the start of this year, or even maybe at the end of last year, I was contacted to see if I wanted a review copy of the book Crochet Saved My Life by Kathryn Vercillo. Yes, I am a terrible blogger, because only almost a year later I am ready to tell you all about this book. I still struggle with reading, especially non-fiction, so this book was difficult for me to get through {not because of the writing though, merely because of my brain}, but I figured, better late than never? And also, this book touched me in such a good way.

I'm sure for those of you who know me, you'll know why I jumped at a chance to get my hands on Crochet Saved My Life. Granted, I mostly knit, but in my world, knitting and crochet are cousins - different and yet related and both wonderful. I've written before about how knitting has been a grounding force in my life and something that helps me get through the tough times (here and here). On some days knitting feels like my lifeline. This book made me feel not alone in that.


Crochet Saved My Life explores how crochet can help people through tough times - mentally, emotionally, and physically. However, it does not say that crochet is the end all, be all. The book revolves around people's stories with some studies and facts thrown in. Vercillo recommends crochet (or knitting, or whatever is your thing) during hard times, not as a cure - but as something that can help you along with any treatments or medicines your doctors are giving you.

Reading other people's stories is what resonated with me. Knowing I am not alone in how I feel about working with yarn is wonderful. I read so many of the stories nodding my head in agreement or just thinking to myself yep, I so understand that! I would have liked to round up all the women who shared their stories int his book and have dinner with them all. I think I would have walked away feeling like I found some kindred spirits.

As a bonus, in addition to connecting me to these wonderful personal stories, the back of the book has some mindfulness exercises for crocheters. It also includes some finger/wrist stretches. I've used both and found them very helpful, especially when I'm feeling extra stressed or anxious.

Overall, I just really loved this book so very much. It resonated so much with me and made me feel less strange for relying on my knitting in hard times. I think, even though the focus is on crochet, anyone who works with this their hands (knitting, hand sewing, etc) will feel a connection to this book, to the stories, to the people in it. I highly recommend this book and encourage you to read it. I do have a warning though ... as you read it, it will make you want to pick up your yarn and hook and start to crochet!

I'll leave you with a few of my favorite quotations from the book. Parts that stood out extra to me, that I felt like I could have said myself!

"...part [of why it's relaxing] is thinking about who will receive the end product. It's difficult to be worried when you're thinking about how someone else is going to enjoy your handmade item" ~ Martha Stone

"When I crochet I don't think about how my body is now broken; I think about how I can create something beautiful and useful with my hook and either yarn or threat." ~Vicki Sulfaro

"The colors and feel of the yarn made me feel like I was home and that I fit once again and the pleasant click of my favorite red, aluminum hook against my wedding ring as I hook the yarn that weaves through my fingers is audible, tactile and grounding. There is no room for worry, for grieving, for regret, for analyzing when I focus on one stitch at a time. The process of healing take precedence." ~ Nessa

Reading!

Are you a reader? Are you on Goodreads yet? If you are not, you need to join. Then become my friend, so I can stalk, err, see what you read.
If you are already on Goodreads, then you also need to become my friend so I can stalk, err, see your books as well! ;-)

A long time ago, I used to read a lot. I'm hoping to get back in that habit, so I like seeing what others are reading. It helps motivate me to pick up a book if I see other people like it!

That said, I'm also joining the Goodreads 2013 Reading Challenge. I picked 24 books - 2 a month. Last year (2012) I read 11, so it would be more than double!

2013 Reading Challenge

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Anyway, if you are over there, friend me!

Xoxo,
Brandie

P.S. This is not a sponsored post. I just like goodreads that much ;-)
P.P.S. Another pre-written post for you =)

Gratitude Sunday

Well, it's a Sunday, in November and so it's time for me to take a few moments to write what I'm thankful about. I've had fun doing it and I may do this again next November.

So without further ado, here is my list

• Naps - yes, I said naps. Because I've needed them lately and I'm blessed and lucky that I can take them pretty much every day if I need to (which is about how often I need them). My family has been very understanding about it, which is good. Now, if only we could figure out how to stop the fatigue.
• A good book - I read a book this week. It was a big deal. (The Twelve by Justin Cronin). It was a difficult read for me - a long book, the story bounced between two different years, and had a fairly large number of characters - I think I've told you before that since chemo I've struggled to read books and follow the story lines/characters/etc and this was no exception, but I pushed through and finished it (and yes, it was my brain because I read the first book in the trilogy pre-chemo which is similar in set-up and followed along just fine!)
• The library - I was so excited to finish one book that I wanted to start another (strike while the iron is hot so to speak) and thankful I could go to my library and get an e-book to check-out. All in the comfort of my own home, sitting in my pajamas.
• A fixed car - my husband's car was able to be fixed! Which was a big weight off our shoulders. Phew! And it didn't cost nearly as much as they first thought it would and we are so very grateful for that. I mean, really really grateful.
• My mom's great Thanksgiving dinner - once again, we spent turkey day at my mom's, and once again she made an amazing dinner that was so good! My rocks for so many reasons and this is just one of them.
• 
•  Baking -  I did some baking this past week. I can't remember the last time I made bread, which is sad since I used to make it all the time. The family was happy too, asking if I could maybe try to bake a bit more, which touched my heart and made me feel all warm and fuzzy.
• My kitties - I don't talk about them enough on the blog, but I love our kitties Roger and Marcy. I can't imagine them not being around. Marcy especially loves to cuddle with me late at night and I love it.
• An early holiday treat ... husband took advantage of a black Friday sale and we will get new living room furniture, which is so good, since our current couches are in bad shape (one is literally split in half and being held together with some plywood dh nailed to the bottom). I can't wait for our new furniture to come (half in two weeks, the other half the first week of January!)
• Christmas music season - I can now listen to Christmas music (okay, I started a week ago, but the family teased me because it wasn't even thanksgiving yet). It makes me smile. I love to sing along (even if I sound horrible LOL!) 

xoxo,
Brandie

Random

This is a picture of my current knitting project. It will not stay with me, but I am loving the color, which makes me love working on it. This blue is gorgeous. I've used it in other projects and I just keep going back to it.

My favorite color is purple, even though I just raved about blue above!

My favorite movies are The Princess Bride and My Life. Though, I haven't watched My Life since getting cancer and I think if I did watch it now, it would affect me even more so than before.  Also, if money and time were no option, I would totally visit the cliffs of insanity (in real life they are the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland). Also, I have read the book because I loved the movie. The beautiful thing is so many lines in the movie are directly from the book. Awesome.

I love the book A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. If asked, I will say it's my favorite. But, I really love a lot of books so I sometimes feel bad that I can't say all million of them.

I love The Historian as an audio book. Just love it. I'm not a big dracula person but this book was awesome. I think I could listen to it over and over and never get tired of it.

I dislike maple syrup and cinnamon. My family thinks this makes me nuts. I figures it's just part of what makes me me. And yes, I eat pancakes only with butter on them, but we don't often eat them so it's never been an issue. I can stand a bit of cinnamon, but like a cinnabon? Not my thing.

I love, love, love ice cream. Mostly just a good french vanilla is exactly what I need, but sometimes I do cookie dough or other things.

That said, my favorite thing to snack on is a pack of saltine crackers. Any day of the week. SO good. Seriously.

Kind of related: I love bread (but not like plain white sandwich bread). But french bread, caraway rye bread, honey bread, wheat bread, oh, there are so many good breads out there. I especially like the bread I make (not that I've made any in a LONG time) or bakery breads. So so so good.

Tents and reading

This week has been a good week. And I'm not just saying it to say it. I actually mean it, which is a nice feeling.

It hasn't been perfect for sure, but it's been full of some good times. I was able to get together with some family and friends that I don't see nearly often enough. I've been able to mostly keep up around the house - which means my house isn't as trashed as it normally is. And, I've had some fun moments with the kids.

This week we did a lot of "tent" building. We used sheets, chairs, clips, a coffee table, a foot rest and pillows to make a great little space to crawl into.



I don't do this kind of thing with my kids nearly enough. And let me tell you, they were thrilled with it. Seriously, they were just tickled pink.

So we hung out in it. I dubbed it our reading tent. See, Mister Man isn't into reading as much as I'd like him to be. He isn't always enthusiastic about reading - but in our reading tent? He's totally game.



Miss M and I sat and knitting while he read some Commander Toad and the Planet of the Grapes to us. Naturally, we decided being in our reading tent, reading about grapes clearly meant we should be eating grapes too. So we did. ;-)

Then, we listened to the first quarter of The Wizard of Oz on audio. Which was so fun. I remember reading it with my 12 year old when she was younger too. {Related: when did she grow up? I kind of miss the days when she was little!}



My front room was a bit messy for a few days. And I still have a pile of sheets and blankets waiting to be washed. But we had a grape time {get it, grape ;)}. Who knows. Maybe this weekend we will need to make a new tent so we can listen to some more Wizard of Oz.

Reading and knitting ...

Knitting and reading.

It's a lot of what I've been doing lately.



I'm working on Holiday gifts for people. And can I just take a moment to say how well it's been going? I have one project finished completely. And several more in progress. Which is good because usually I freak out around Thanksgiving and start working hard then! I think I much prefer starting now ;-)

And I've been re-reading the Harry Potter books. I was determined to reread them all again before seeing the new movie coming next week (why yes, I did already buy my tickets). It might have made more sense to watch all the movies? Well, I might do that too - it's not ruled out yet ;-)

Anyway, I started last Thursday with book 1. Which has been really fun. I received books 1-3 at my oldest daughter's first Christmas. She's 11. I read them right away - she was only 2ish months old then and we did a lot of nursing. So I read while we nursed. And fell in love. The rest of the books I all bought when they were first released (the last 3 I got at midnight!) and read them all within 24 hours. I hadn't touched any of them since the initial reading. There's so much I just forgot! It's very nice to read them all back-to-back too. Of course now I'll really be able to spot what the movie is leaving out (and oh, how the movies left so much of all of them out!). So I'm about to start book 6 - which I think means I will be able to finish all of them before the movie. (Also, here's where I point out that I am a naturally fast reader. And also that my husband rocks and almost all I did this weekend was literally knit and read! He gets me and knew that was important to me!)

Hello October.

Umm, yes, can someone please tell me when October showed up? Because I swear it was August or something like that last week.

Alas, it's October. (and no, I do not yet have any Halloween costumes made. Because I'm procrastinating). Anyway, since I last wrote we've had at least 3 more illnesses come into this house. 2/3 kids are on some sort of medication and the third child now has a sore throat. All of that aside, I've actually been able to accomplish a few things! Yay!

Last week I finished reading Made by Hand: Searching for Meaning in a Throwaway World by Mark Frauenfelder. I was sent the book by Kim, who said she read it and was kind enough to lend it to me!

So I just think this is a wonderful book that has made my dream for chickens become even more serious than it was before! Because chickens are cute and practical and I think everyone should have some! I will admit thoguh, at times I was torn: keep reading or stop and go try what Frauenfelder was talking about (yes, I now want to make some instruments, do some wood carving, build something, make something, anything, everything!). This is a book I want to keep forever and ever. But I also want others to read and love it. I think I need to buy two copies of this book. One to keep and one to share. I loved it just that much. (And also, I want to go and check out all the books and blogs and other things he mentions so I really do need to have a copy to keep!). This is going to be a book that leads me to more books, that lead me to more books, and so on and so on. And I love those sorts of books as well.

To date I haven't yet tried anything specifically talked about in the book. Because of life. But that's okay. This book isn't a how-to guide. It's more of a motivational book - his main message is get out there and do it. You will screw up. It won't be perfect. And that is not only okay, but really really great. And just to prove that, he doesn't just talk about his successes, but shares the stumbling that took place along his journey! I just loved the whole book. One of my favorite quotes in the book came from Mister Jalopy (one of Frauenfelder's friends)

People are afraid they are going to screw something up, that they're going to ruin something. And unfortunately, it's valid -- they will. You will scrw stuff up. Things will be broken. But that's one step to overcome to get on the path of living this richer life of engagement, of having meaningful connections to the objects around you. It's that necessary step you have tot take - the courage to screw things up - so you're able to fix things, or make stuff from scratch or to refurbish stuff to live according to your standards.

Wow. That spoke to me. Because I get it - fear of failure holds me back. It holds back others I know. Failing is scary and I believe we are taught from a young age something to be avoided at all costs. And I think we'd be much better off if we threw that kind of thinking out the window. =)

So you should absolutely read this book. Then you should overcome fear of failure. And just get out there and do. Because doesn't that sound like so much fun? =)

Random

So today's post is a going to be full of random things. I haven't much else to cobble together but I didn't want to leave the blog without posting for too long either!

• My 10 year old is recovering from pneumonia. Had she attended school (and these are the time I am extra grateful she is homeschooled) she would have missed 2 full weeks plus 1 day. The pneumonia is now cleared up, but she's still wheezing, so she's now using an inhaler and possibly a trip to an asthma doctor is in her future? Right now, we're just trying to get her back to 100% healthy
• My 8 year old has swollen glands for no apparent reason. Possibly she is fighting the same infection that knocked the 10 year old out and just isn't symptomatic (which would be lovely for her). Could be because she's been eating more wheat than usual. Could be just because I life decided I needed one more thing to keep an eye on right now. Who knows? All I know is next week both girls go back to the doctor to get double checked for both wheezing and swollen glands.
• The 4 year old is healthy - yay! And he's loving school. He's been going 3 weeks now? I don't know - the days tend to blur. But he loves it. And he thinks next year he wants to go every single day - we'll see. The school he is attending has kindergarten so I think we'll keep him there. At this point I'll keep him home after that, but at the same time, I'm keeping my options open. This seems to be the best path for him. Maybe someday I'll write a post just about how we came to this decision, but really, probably not. Just know I thought and thought and thought about it a lot. And this is where we are today.
• We're still homeschooling the girls - and that's going really well.  It's amazing how much we can get done, especially when 4 year old is at school and isn't interrupting every 2 second (yes, truthfully this is part of the reason we did decide to send him!)
• Still not getting much done on the crafting front. But I need to kick it into high gear here soon. I have three children that may want a homemade costume (okay, that I hope will want a homemade costume!) I am knitting a hat and mittens for the 4 year old and fall is letting us know he's here. Some days. Other days summer wins and it's hot again. It does feel like the weather is playing tug-of-war right now! I also want to do hats for the girls. They both declined mittens. Bummer. But I do understand. 
• My husband is working insane hours so I feel like I am now a married, single parent. (And seriously, hats off to all real single parents because I can't even begin to imagine - even with how much my husband is gone, he is not always gone and that does make things a lot easier). Anyway, I miss him. And some days wish he would come home so I could hide from everyone just for 10 minutes.
• I almost entirely gave up caffeine. I've had 2 drinks with it in about a week. I know, right, it doesn't seem like much, but seriously it is. Because I don't even want to admit to you how much caffeine I was consuming before, but let's just say it was more than 2 a day. So for 2 in a week (and only when I was out of the house and a caffeine free coke wasn't available) is amazing.
• Yes, I am still drinking coke. Just caffeine free. Baby steps here people. Baby steps. LOL!
• I recently read God Don't like Ugly and God Still Don't Like Ugly. Loved both books. Wanted to keep reading actually. There is a third book that I do plan on getting my hands on here soon. Because I really enjoyed htem and fell in love with the characters. (Side note - I read both on my Nook and they are both lendable, so if you have a Nook too and want to borrow one, let me know!)

Alright, I think that covers most things. Now I must run. 8 year old has run out of jeans that fit her. By run out of I mean we don't own any that fit her anymore, not that I haven't been keeping up with the laundry. Okay, I haven't been keeping up with the laundry, but still, that's not why she ran out! LOL! So we are off to get some winter clothes shopping done. Except with how my kids grow, it will really probably be fall and 1 month of winter shopping before they all grow out of them again ;-)