Friday, April 29, 2011

Overwhelmed ....

Since learning of my breast cancer Tuesday I have had a LOT of information thrown at me. Not counting the MRI, there have been 3 appointments with just info, info, info. And yes, while I had other ears to listen at all the appointments, still, it's overwhelming.

Also since Tuesday I have been inundated with e-mails, facebook comments, journal comments, phone calls, etc full of love and wonderful and lovely comments. And have so many people thinking and praying and loving and caring for me. And while it's all good, still, it's overwhelming.

I have bronchitis, so the coughing, the sore throat, the stuffy nose, etc. All of that feels overwhelming.

I still have some more appointments to go. I have a few more I need to schedule. All of that is overwhelming.

So it seems the theme of the week is overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed with knowledge, with love, with support, with sickness, with fear. You name it. I'm overwhelmed.

So in my own way, I've moving through it all slowly. Just a little reading at a time. Responding to e-mails, phone calls, the like, slowly, one at a time.

But please know that I appreciate every message. Every phone call. Every card. Every comment. Every prayer. Every thought. Every single thing. I may not respond right away, but I am carrying all of your love and support in my heart. And it is helping more than I can say.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

More waiting ...

First let me start with this: I'm going to try to not turn this into a blog about all cancer, all the time. Because while it is a REALLY HUGE BIG thing in my life right now, I am very aware it is also NOT the only thing in my life.

However, it is the dominating thing, at least while we are still gathering new info, figuring out I feel like I will talk about it a lot and for that I apologize. And here's the good news, I can't see you read this, so if you don't want to, my feelings will be completely UNhurt should you navigate away and wait for more crafty content to appear.

Now that is said, I have a little more updates for today. First it was the BIG meeting with the doctor, were we go over everything and talked about all that is to come. But, it didn't start off on the right foot. She wanted to check how things were healing from the biopsy and as we did that she asked "I don't remember reading in the ultrasound report about under your arms? Did they check them then?" I didn't remember them doing it so we checked today. I have a few swollen lymph nodes. Which truly can be really nothing or really something.

I do have a cold right now. I did have the biopsy last week. Those could cause swelling. And yet, we can't leave it at that, so we did a needle biopsy today to check it. We should hear back in the next few days. The good news is it's not so enlarged that her immediate reaction is it's absolutely cancer. But it's swollen, and we can't not check it. So a bit more waiting.

I go to the geneticist tomorrow for BrCa testing. Which feels really important because if it comes back positive that affects not only myself, but it could affect others. And knowing that fact is weighing heavily on my heart. 

I get an MRI Friday morning. I don't know when those results come back.

We are looking at surgery in 3-4 weeks. Interestingly enough there is a chance (although I think it will happen after) that it could be taking place on my birthday. Which just feels kind of strange.

I have the pathology report. Since some have asked - it is invasive ductal carcinoma. I'm told this is a very common form (although I'm NOT going to google this. Because well, I don't want to read horror stories at this point you know?)  Also, others have asked what stage it is ... we don't know. And we won't know until surgery. We can guess it is stage 1 or 2. But for now that is a guess.

In other news after thinking about it and after seeing how the last two days have gone and knowing my own history, today I met with my primary care physician. Tonight I started something for both anxiety and depression. Right now I am feeling amazing amounts of anxiety. There are moments I just can not stop shaking. I am trying to calm myself down, but I need help. And I have a history of anxiety. While I feel at this moment, anxiety is all that is on my plate, we also know I also have a history with depression. And we know that depression meds will take 2-3 weeks to work fully. And so we decided to go ahead and start it now. Because I don't want to get to the point of surgery and wham - depression hitting hard. This is a VERY personal decision I made because I feel it is right for me.

And now, if you've made it this far ... I am setting up an e-mail group to share updates as we get them (which may be weekly, maybe 3 in one week, and then nothing for 3 weeks) but if you want to be on that list please leave a comment or e-mail me at Brandie185 {at} gmail {dot} com. I promise no spam, I won't try to sell you anything, and I will not let you know every time I sneeze either ;-)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A new journey ...

So a few weeks ago I started a new journey. One I never wanted to be one. One I really never thought I'd have to be on.

At first it didn't appear the journey would be long or serious. And as we got farther into it, we started to realize that might not be the case. And today I learned I will continue on this path that truly? I want off. Now.

All of this is a fancy  strange  beating around the bush my way to tell you that earlier today I learned that I have breast cancer. It's kind of scary to write it. To see it in print. To share it with all of you. I can't lie. Every time I share it it feels both like the cancer gains more power, and at the same time I feel like no, I'm the stronger one. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure it makes sense to me.

I've known most of the day. I still feel shocked by it. Maybe I'll always feel shocked by it? I'm not sure. I do know my thoughts have been all over the place today and some don't make any sense and some are really scary but most are just millions of questions I now have.

At this point I don't know more than that. I will learn a lot more tomorrow. I'm not sure I'll be ready to share all of it with you tomorrow. And yet, I feel like sharing will help me through all of this.

So there it is. I don't know how to end this post eloquently. What else can I say at this point?

Friday, April 01, 2011

Sometimes you just have to.

Starting on New Year's Eve, I began to knit the Shalom Cardigan.

I thought it would be a great knit to start the new year with. I was excited about the new year. We had had a bad fall/winter thus far with the kids just seemingly endlessly sick. And I just wanted the new year to be a great one, a lovely one, a peaceful one. And so I decided to start knitting Shalom.

The cardigan is lovely, but I also knew the sweater as the pattern was written would not fit me at all. I'm just a tiny bit bigger (and by tiny bit I mean probably like 3-4 sizes LOL!) So I looked around for modifications that someone else already worked out since I'm not good at that.

And then I cast on. With zeal and earnestness. And I knit my little heart out. And I finished it pretty quickly actually. In about a week. But I didn't have buttons and so it sat. And then I tried it on and I just wasn't sure. So it sat. And I tried it on again and I still wasn't sure it fit. So it sat. Then I put it on with a friend here who said she thought it worked, but maybe it was a bit off, but I should still wear it. So it sat.

Tonight I ripped the entire thing out. And I'm back to a big ball of yarn. And I can't lie, I'm a bit heart-broken about it. It wasn't easy to rip out. But it needed to be done. And it's honestly a bit how life feels right now. I feel like there is so much on my plate. So much that needs to be done. And we're getting through it all, but it feels just a bit off. {Though I have to say, I have so much I am grateful for and this isn't really a complaint, but more of here's how things stand right now}.

Anyway, in light of all of this, I'm going to take a blogging break for a couple of weeks. Much like I have been doing lately anyway, but now you have warning. And the thing is I have SO much to blog about. SO much to share. It's just, well Life. It needs me to be present and there. And so I have to take a break here.