Thursday, May 09, 2019

So many changes

This past year has brought so many changes.
So many endings.
So many new beginnings.

I have trouble with the new beginnings and get stuck on the endings though.

But in summary: the oldest is a freshman at college and living on campus, the middle child is in high school, and the youngest stopped homeschooling and is at the local junior high.

For the first time in 19 years, I don't have a child home all day with me.

Um, what?

I always knew the day would eventually come. I mean, after all, the whole point of raising children is so that they can get to a point where they would spread their wings and fly. But it came in the fall and I was absolutely, with a doubt, completely unprepared for it.

I always imagined when that day came, it would be more celebratory. Like I'd go out and party and do all the things and tackle all the to do lists and have so much fun celebrating freedom.

Turns out, it wasn't quite like that.

Firstly, I was still so tired. Frankly, I'm still too tired. I did actually make a to-do list called "All the things I will do when the kids are out of the house." I believe I crossed one thing off. Oops!

Secondly, it's not like my kids were packing up and leaving for good. And, even college aged kids still need their mamas. So kids being physically gone during the day doesn't mean they are emotionally gone.

But really, I was stuck. I was stuck in the endings.
I was stuck in homeschooling ending.
I was stuck in my oldest's childhood ending.
I was stuck in my role as a stay-at-home-mom ending.
I was stuck in my role as a care giver ending.

So much change. So fast. All at once.

I don't handle change well, and when it seems like EVERYTHING is changing, I kind of just shut down and get lost.

It's been 9 months. We are nearing the end of the school year. If this was a pregnancy, I'd be gearing up to give birth now.

I'm not quite there - I'm not ready 100% okay with everything that has changed. I'm still mourning some things, but it is getting better. I'm doing a better job of remember all the new beginnings.

But it's so hard. It's just so hard. I'm trying. I'm moving faster than frozen molasses, but slowly, I'm getting there.

Friday, May 03, 2019

Not hiding anymore

So. I've had a few thoughts.
1. Come back and delete my last post
2. Never come back again and just leave it there.
3. Delete it and then never come back to this blog.

But, here I am. Writing again. With the last post still up.

It helps that google tells me 20 people came to the post, which I figure means 1 person maybe read more than 2 sentences. So, still feeling pretty safe.

But, it's there. And I'm leaving it.

I suppose for the one person who reads more than the first two sentences, I should maybe explain a bit about where all of this is coming from. Because this year has been such a year of change - and if I listed it all out, it would probably cause me an anxiety attack.

That said, I'll start with this. In the fall, we lost granny. And my heart still aches because of it. I still feel lost. I still miss her. I still sometimes wake up and start to get things ready for her. When I'm out, I still have moments when I can't wait to get home to tell her about them.

The grief at times feels overwhelming. The ache of missing her feel overwhelming. I'm not alone in this, I know. And yet, at times I feel so alienated and alone. I don't why other than to say that sometimes my brain is a big jerk and lies to me. And even though I know this, I sometimes don't believe it and believe my jerky brain.

Anyway, I'm going to try to not hide anymore. So hopefully, you'll see me back here soon.

Monday, April 15, 2019

Actually, I'm Not Okay

How are you doing? People ask, because people are nice.
I'm fine! I'm great! I'm doing okay! I reply, trying to be bubbly and upbeat.
I tell myself over and over you are okay, you can do this, smile, be happy, everything is okay

But you know what?
I'm not okay.

I'm just not.

The past year has been a whirlwind of change, bad news, good news, endings, new beginnings, stretching, growing, grief, and change.

Those of you who know me well, know I don't handle change well in the best of times - even if it's good change. Now is a time of change and much of it is enveloped in grief.

I know I haven't blogged here in forever. I did have grand plans. I did have ideas. I did have good intentions. But I was tired, and weary, and felt like I didn't have anything to say. And so there are many gaps in this story, in my story, on this blog.

How does one come back from all those gaps? I don't know, but I'm going to see if I can find a way.

And for now, I'm not okay. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm grieving.

I'm also doing. I'm stretching. And I'm growing.

And thus the dichotomy of life keeps on going. I'm still learning to balance it. You'd think by now, I'd be an expert, but no. I'm still here, trying to get through each days. Some are easier than others.

I'm here. And I have faith that I'll be okay. But for now, I'm not okay.