Monday, April 15, 2019

Actually, I'm Not Okay

How are you doing? People ask, because people are nice.
I'm fine! I'm great! I'm doing okay! I reply, trying to be bubbly and upbeat.
I tell myself over and over you are okay, you can do this, smile, be happy, everything is okay

But you know what?
I'm not okay.

I'm just not.

The past year has been a whirlwind of change, bad news, good news, endings, new beginnings, stretching, growing, grief, and change.

Those of you who know me well, know I don't handle change well in the best of times - even if it's good change. Now is a time of change and much of it is enveloped in grief.

I know I haven't blogged here in forever. I did have grand plans. I did have ideas. I did have good intentions. But I was tired, and weary, and felt like I didn't have anything to say. And so there are many gaps in this story, in my story, on this blog.

How does one come back from all those gaps? I don't know, but I'm going to see if I can find a way.

And for now, I'm not okay. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm grieving.

I'm also doing. I'm stretching. And I'm growing.

And thus the dichotomy of life keeps on going. I'm still learning to balance it. You'd think by now, I'd be an expert, but no. I'm still here, trying to get through each days. Some are easier than others.

I'm here. And I have faith that I'll be okay. But for now, I'm not okay.