The space between us

There's this poem I see often ...

What Cancer Cannot Do

Author: Unknown

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

It's a lovely poem, meant to be uplifting and wonderful. It's a way of saying, look, I know cancer is like a punch in the face and disrupts your life in so many ways, and it sucks, but look! At least it can't do any of these things!! And it sweet. And lovely. The sentiment is wonderful. But in my experience, it's not actually that accurate. 

Now, it's hard for me to talk about this, mostly because people are wonderful and I never want anyone to come to this blog and thing Is she talking about me? Because, well, I'm not. And I think most of the distance I'm feeling is both from me and others. And I think it's mostly unintentional. And yet, it needs to be shared. 

The poem says cancer cannot kill friendship. Well, actually, it can. And it has. I've heard from others actual friendships just gone, in an instant. I have not had to go through that heartbreak yet (and don't be mistaken, it is heart breaking on both sides). But I do have a few relationships that are definitely frosty, that definitely have some space that wasn't there before, and that feel a little, well, awkward.

I don't think it's intentional ... I don't think anyone is sitting there thinking she's got cancer and so I can't be her friend anymore. But it's there. I'm guilty of it too. When I'm feeling depressed or overwhelmed, I have a habit of pulling away from people. So I totally get it. I also know that it was (and may still be) hard for people to be around me. It may bring back memories of watching someone else go through cancer. Someone, who was brave enough to be very honest with me, once told me it was difficult for her to talk to me because just weeks before she heard about my cancer, her grandfather passed away from a very aggressive cancer. She was not in the frame of mind to be around that again. I understood completely - in her shoes, it would have been equally difficult for me. 

Some of the distance didn't start until later. I don't know what started it. I can guess based on comments made (guesses at best as I have not asked for clarification, nor do I plan to). I can guess that my attitude about breast cancer and pink ribbons is a huge turn off to some people. I think that some people are expecting me to react like others they have known, and I don't. I think, in general, it's hard to see people suffering and so some people tend to pull back. Really, there are about a million and one reasons that space gets created. For all I know, it has nothing to do with cancer and the space was going to come eventually anyway. 

While I may not know what is the cause, I can feel it. And it's heartbreaking. Especially when I feel like I can't fix it. I can't patch this hole, at least not now. All I can do is hope that with time, the relationships will grow again. 

Because, with or without cancer, relationships certainly are ever-changing. Sometimes they grow, and sadly sometimes they shrink. 

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been all bad. Of course, during this time, some of my relationships have definitely grown closer. I have come to know some pretty wonderful people that I might not have met if it weren't for the cancer. I am very grateful for those people and those moments. But, my heart still aches for the relationships that have broken, even just a bit, during this time.