A small break ....

My dear readers ... I'm going to take a break from the blog for a few days. Maybe even for a few weeks. We'll see.

It's nothing bad ... I just feel like I need a break from blog writing right now. I'll try to check in on facebook, so if you aren't already, follow me here. =)

xoxo,
Brandie

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Let's Act.

Yesterday I mentioned we need to do more, we needed to do better.

Today, I'm going to ask you, my dear readers, to do something very simple. And I'm going to ask that you pass it on to all of your friends and ask them to do something simple.

Today, I'm asking you to please, please join the Army of Women. From their website:

The Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation's Love/Avon Army of Women is made possible thanks to a grant from the Avon Foundation for women.
Our revolutionary initiative has two key goals:

• To recruit one million healthy women of every age and ethnicity, including breast cancer survivors and women at high-risk for the disease, to partner with breast cancer researchers and directly participate in the research that will eradicate breast cancer once and for all.
• To challenge the scientific community to expand its current focus to include breast cancer prevention research conducted on healthy women.

Join us in this movement that will take us beyond a cure by creating new opportunities to study what causes breast cancer—and how to prevent it.

 You do NOT have to have had breast cancer to join. You just have to be a women, willing to fill out a form, get an e-mail from time to time, and if you are so moved and eligible, through this site you can participate in research going on right now. To learn more about breast cancer.

I am a member of the site, along with 363,625 other women. The goal? Is to get one million women signed up. Late last year I even participated in a study that I learned about through Army of Women.

So go over there, check out the website, and join. And ask your friends. And ask them to ask their friends. It's a small thing that could make a huge difference.

xoxo,
Brandie

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Heavy heart ....

Yesterday, the world lost two amazingly strong, smart, caring women. Both women lost their lives to stage IV breast cancer. Both women were strong leaders in the breast cancer community. A huge hole has been left.

Susan Niebur, of Toddler Planet, is survived by her husband and her two boys. Her boys are very close to my own son's age. I can't imagine the pain they are feeling right now. Susan lived with inflammatory breast cancer for the past 5 years. She was an amazing voice and shared so much with so many. I actually came to know her (via the internet) before my own diagnosis. And was even then amazed by her strength. When I was diagnosed, she reached out to me, even though she was dealing with her own health issues. She had kind and comforting words to share. Susan will be greatly missed. She was a powerhouse in the blogging world.

Rachel Cheetham Moro, of The Cancer Culture Chronicles, also passed away yesterday. I didn't know Rachel as well as I knew Susan. I came to know Rachel through a weekly chat on twitter for breast cancer. Rachel was a smart woman, and feisty. She was an incredible writer who brought attention to many issues in the breast cancer world. I've read many of her blog posts and just had to nod my head in agreement with all she said. She, like Susan, was a powerful voice in the breast cancer. And will also be greatly missed.

I can not believe we lost both of these women yesterday. My heart is so heavy and I've shed many tears. I will miss them. And am sending many prayers and much love to their families today.

*Here's where I'd like to remind you that in addition to these two lovely women, about 108 other women passed away because of breast cancer yesterday. 110 women will die today. And 110 will die tomorrow. Everyday, 110 families lose incredible women to breast cancer. Pink ribbons are not enough anymore. We need to do more.

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Going Red

Did you know that heart disease kills more women than all cancers combined? Scary when you think about it. And heart health is on my mind a lot lately as some of my treatments are not kind to my heart. I have to get my heart tested every 3 months. So I definitely am aware of my heart health!

Well, February is National Heart Health Month. Today is wear go Red for women day. Okay, okay, I must admit, I am not wearing red today, but my spirit is full of lots of red. {in my defense, I am not leaving my house and I used to have red shirts, but none of them fit me anymore}.

Anyway, later this month I will be celebrating Heart Health Month by going to the 2nd annual Girls Night Out. It's being sponsored by Sassy Moms in the City, B96, KHits and WBBM News Radio. And I can't wait to go! I wasn't able to attend last year, but I know everyone who went? Had an amazing time!

So, here's how you can join in the fun ... click here to RSVP. Tickets are $30, but all ticket proceeds go to  American Heart Association "Go Red for Women" campaign. It's going to be amazing! I hope I see you there =)

Disclaimer: I am being given a complementary ticket to share this information with you. But, all my opinions remain my own!

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Positive Attitude

So, today's post might be a bit ranty. I apologize in advance, but I just have to let this out. It's come up a few times recently - both in comments people have said to me {but, I'm grateful to report that the comments were few} and in talking to other cancer patients, so I just feel like it needs to be said. Because it's important to those of who are struggling - with anything by the way, not just cancer - that people can acknowledge and agree with what I'm about to say.

A positive attitude will NOT cure cancer. It will not make a sick person healthy. It will not raise white blood counts or red blood counts. It does not make tumors shrink.

That's not to say I don't see how a positive attitude is helpful. It certainly can be. However, it is absolutely NOT helpful at all when the person with the positive attitude is completely faking it because s/he feels pressure from the people around him/her to be "happy." It is draining to fake it. It is tiring to fake it.

It also needs to be said, just because I do not have a huge smile plastered on my face, that doesn't mean I do not have a positive attitude. I can have a generally positive attitude, but still have a bad day. The two feelings can be co-existent. Some days suck. Some days I have pain. Some days I'm over-whelmed by what is going on. And so? I might not be smiling. I might even be crying. But that doesn't mean I have a negative attitude. It just means I'm acknowledging my feelings. And that? Is okay in my book.

It also needs to be said, that if I'm being realistic about my cancer? That doesn't mean I don't have a positive attitude. My cancer can come back. That is a reality. It's why oncologists do not call you cured. Because while they may not be able to detect cancer, small cells could still be in my body, waiting to grow. Me acknowledging that? Doesn't mean I don't have a positive attitude. The truth is for some time to come, maybe even forever, in the back of my head will be the thought my cancer can come back. This doesn't mean I've given up on life and refuse to live it. It doesn't mean I'm being negative. I can acknowledge the realities of my health and still have a positive attitude.

It also needs to be said, that if at any time I lose my positive attitude, for whatever reason? That's okay too. I've been what feels like to hell and back. I might not be oh-so positive about it all the time. I might have some very negative feelings. And that's okay. I realize it might be harder for those around me. I get it, negativity can be hard to be around at times. But I, and I think every person really, need to honor my feelings, my experiences, my emotions. And it won't cause my cancer to come back. It won't delay the healing my body needs to do. Might it get in the way of my emotional healing? It might. But you know what, so will faking a positive attitude that doesn't really exist.

Now, I've been really blessed. I am embraced and loved and surrounded by people who let me be exactly who I am - whether it's the smiling happy Brandie, or the sad, crying Brandie. I'm so amazingly blessed by this. I do not feel pressured to fake anything.

But, a few times, by well-meaning folks I'm sure {but who are essentially strangers} have made comments. Or told me to just be happy. That if I just had a better attitude, I'd heal faster. I've also been told about how they knew someone who smiled through all of her treatment, and never got sick or had side effects and was so happy and upbeat and I should try to be like her. (And I've had other breast cancer patients share stories about how they were told that even by their close friends and family. And how hurtful it can be, especially from people close to you.) But no. Being happy won't fix this. Having a better attitude won't heal my body. And I should NOT try to be someone else. Because I am already me.

Now, I know, I know, these things are often said in love. And are meant with good intentions. I do understand that. But I also think that there needs to be understanding that these comments are in fact not helpful to every person. And throwing them around casually, as if being happy or positive, is the solution to the problem is not helpful. This is not say you can't talk about being happy, or talk about people you know who did in fact smile all the way through treatment. I might get jealous hearing about that person but I don't mind the sharing, as long as it doesn't come with an ending that says "be like her!" or "be like him!"

Because I know from experience from all the wonderful people in my life, when you let the person you are talking to just be who they are and not give them expectations to live up to, it will make your bond with them better. They will remember how good it felt to be with you. They will appreciate the fact that you are listening to them, through the good and the bad. 

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Bucket List

Over Thanksgiving weekend we traveled to St. Louis to visit some family. We had a very wonderful time (as we always do!). Someday, maybe, I'll have to share pictures because we went to this cute Christmas village that was amazing. But, that's for another date.

We travel down there every Thanksgiving weekend and sometimes in the spring. Usually I'm excited about it because it means 5ish hours of knitting {or some similar project in the car}. This trip was different though ... knitting was out of the question for a variety of reasons - but mostly because I was in pain and just couldn't work on it.

Anyway, I spent the first hour or so pretty much pouting about this. But then I started talking. And my poor husband, because once I get going, I do not stop. And as I was chit-chatting somehow we came around to bucket lists. And right there in the car I started a bucket list! I've never made one before so it was kind of fun. So, without further ado, here is my bucket list!

• Go to Las Vegas {no! I've never been before!}
• Go on a knitting retreat weekend {or a whole week, I won't be picky!}
• Hike a {small} mountain
• Take a photography class
• Girls weekend {again, I've never done this, but it would be so fun, wouldn't it?}
• Go to taping of Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me {it's in Chicago, wanna go with me?}
• Learn to play piano
• Learn to speak Swedish {what, no one said I had to pick practical things}
• Visit Sweden {bet you didn't see that one coming lol!}
• Go to top of St. Louis Arch {seen it, driven by it, never been up it!}
• Go to top of Statue Liberty {nope, never even been to New York period}
• Give back {not sure specifically how. Still searching on this one}
• Knit hats for hospital
• Enter my knitting into some sort of fair/competition {even if I get last place, I can say I did it}
• Attend Blogher {or another similar conference}

My husband informs me some of these aren't BIG enough for a bucket list. So I informed him that he was wrong. And I'm always right. So there. LOL!

And I know at least one of these things will happen this year. It will be fun if I can knock several things off this list, but we'll just have to see how the year unfolds!

Have you made a bucket list? Share!

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The Ugly Truth ....

This week I had to face some ugly truths. In a sum, I think I'm depressed. I think too I've known this for a few weeks now, but I've been in denial. A lot of denial.

And since I'm being completely honest I will tell you I basically feel like I am drowning right now. And there is no life preserver to grab onto. I can't see any boats in the distance coming to rescue me. I feel alone. And like I'm slowly losing steam to keep on treading water.

Which is silly because the truth is I'm surrounded by people who would come rescue me in a heartbeat. And I know that, but still I feel very lonely inside. And defeated. I've not been doing things I should be doing lately. I'm just so exhausted. And worn out. And things just take so much effort. So things get left undone. Oh it starts with letting one thing slide. And then another. And another. Thankfully, we are not to the point where I've let everything slide. Just some things.

Which basically makes me feel like I'm mostly failing. But on the path to completely failing. {Also, I know I'm not really failing. But knowing that and feeling that are two different things}.

Anyway, there's a lot at play here. One of my medicines is probably contributing to this a lot right now. But it's a medicine that's supposed to essentially keep my cancer from coming back. So what do I pick: risking cancer again? Or feeling like crap all the time? {Okay, okay, the decision isn't quite that black and white. There are things we can try to alleviate the symptoms first before I have to make that decision. But still, in my head, that's how it feels.} Of course, as I'll tell anyone who asks, I also feel like I've been to hell and back over the last 9 months. And I'm still recovering from all of that. And so there is a lot going on. A lot of different things that are causing me to feel this way.

I think the toughest part is really, I have a lot of wonderful things in my life right now. I have a lot of things to look forward too. I have an amazing family that is patient and loving and kind. I have friends who are just as wonderful to me. And yet? Inside? I just feel broken. And like I will never be healed. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because shouldn't all the good in my life make me feel good?

The good news in all of this is that I don't have to do it alone. Even though it's so hard to ask for help {also? please someone tell me why it's so hard to ask for help}, help has been asked for. I'd like to say  this can all be "fixed" overnight. If only it worked that way. But I'm not giving up. I'm not throwing in the towel. Because, the prettiest truth I've learned: I deserve to feel good inside.

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Walking, walking ...

Walking. I'll be doing a lot of walking here soon.

Someone else suggested I rename the blog Journey of 1,000 1,000,000 Steps.

That's because earlier this week I signed up to walk in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Yep, that's right. 39.3 miles in 2 days.

I've been thinking about it for a while. But the truth was I was too scared to sign-up. So many things to worry about: can I really walk that far? Can I meet my fund-raising minimums? Can I really do it?

But, I saw a friend sign-up. And then another (blogless) friend. And I just knew I couldn't let fear hold me back anymore. And also. I had to remind myself, last summer I survived cancer. So, um, this walk? Yeah. It seems much easier to do than that. Not only that, but walking it with friends who are awesome and have been such amazing supporters of me? Umm, how could I NOT sign up.

It's a big deal. I need to start training. The truth is right now I'm not sure I could walk 3 miles, much less 39. But I have time to train. The walk is June 2-3. And our team has swelled to 8 people and is still growing! I'm so excited to participate. I'm still nervous I might not be able to walk the entire distance. But you know what? Even if I have to stop early .... I'll still be participating in an amazing event and doing a wonderful thing!

Anyway, any and all encouragement and good thoughts for this are very welcomed! And if you are so inclined, please feel free to visit my Avon page and see how I'm doing!

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Unsung Hero: My children

My children have simply blown me away this year.

I admit there are often times I feel incredible guilt for getting this cancer that has changed their lives so drastically. Activities they had to stop participating in, places I couldn't take them to, too many days spent inside watching TV because mom was too sick to take them anywhere.

But these three children? Have been so understanding and loving towards me. They don't complain. When I apologize for another missed thing, they hug me and tell me it's okay, they understand, that they aren't mad. When I'm tired they tell me to rest, that they'll behave and my oldest offers to help keep an eye on the youngest. If I ask them to bring me a drink, they do it (mostly) happily!

They have shown me compassion I wasn't expecting from them. I underestimated just how much of this they would understand and just how caring they would be towards me during this time. In hindsight, I shouldn't have. I should have known this is how they would respond. But when we got my diagnosis, I just wasn't sure they would completely understand. And, you know, my son (who is 6) probably doesn't completely understand. But he knows mom is sick and recovering. And that was all he needed to know to understand that I needed extra love. And all three of my precious children have showered me with love this year.

I can't change the fact that I got cancer. I can't go back and take away the days I was sick and couldn't be a great mom to them. But I am so proud of how beautifully they've handled it all. I'm touched by how much they want to take care of me. And I'm thankful that they've been so understanding of everything going on. They are amazing. And I'm blessed to have them as my children.

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More on parenting ...

Some of the stories I share today may be repeats, and if they are, I'm sorry. But they are bouncing around in my head and so I need to get them out.

This parenting gig? Some days it's hard. And then just when you've got it all figured out, the kids change and enter a new phase. And when I was pregnant with my second child, I remember thinking, this is going to be breeze. I've done it once, so clearly I'm an expert now. Oh, my poor naive self. I had no clue back then. The second (and the third) would be so very different I'd feel like I was a brand new parent all over again!

But you push through the hard moments because there are so many beautiful, wonderful moments.

And the truth is none of that changed once I was diagnosed with cancer. There were still hard days - but suddenly the hardest part wasn't my little guy hitting. Or the oldest talking back. No, the hardest part was the side effects that really knocked me down some days. But there were also some sweet moments in there.

I'll never forget when I could hug the kids again after surgery. My son was the first one to get a hug. Even he lit up to finally get a real hug from mom. And then I went and gave the girls each a hug right away too. My 12yo had hit a phase where she didn't really want hugs from me, but she did not turn that hug away that day. I teared up.

Speaking of the 12yo, this summer McDonald's did their Monopoly game to win prizes. My 12yo was relentless about getting to McD's to get as many pieces as possible. I won't lie. I was annoyed by this. And then my mom called - the kids had been with her - and she shared with me that my daughter told her she wanted to win the grand prize and then she'd use the money to pay my medical bills. I was blown away. And also, felt guilty for getting mad at her for asking for McD's all the time!

One day, and this was a bad day. I was in bed, in a lot of pain and also very sick. And I was just crying and crying. And I had told my husband I was going to quit chemo, that I couldn't go on anymore. It was one of the lowest points I hit in the process. At some point Eric had to get up. And I was still crying {although calmed down some} when my 9yo came into our room. And she climbed into bed with me and was holding my hand. And - a moment I'll never forget - she looked right into my eyes and said "Mom, I wish I could make your cancer come into my body so you won't have to hurt anymore." I couldn't even respond I was so touched. It's supposed to be my job to take care of her, to take her hurt and pain away, and there she was, ready to do the same for me.

Speaking of my 9yo, one day I mixed up sidewalk paint for them. And this? This is what she painted on our driveway:

"my mom is a surviver"

My 6yo has also been extra loving to me through all this. He'll come up and rub my arm. But before he does he double checks to make sure it's not the side that hurts. He has shared his favorite blanket with me and given me well-loved stuffed animals to cuddle up with. And I'm here to tell you, there is nothing sweeter than a little one (yes, I still consider him little) sharing their favorite things with you, because they don't like to give them up very easily usually!

Another precious story about him: we were talking about Christmas. He was excitedly telling me all the things he wanted Santa to bring him! And then he stopped. And kind of looked at me and said "But you know mom. I think Santa should bring you the most presents because you had cancer." This is no small thing to say for a 6yo boy who cannot wait for Christmas morning to come.

Those are the moments I will forever treasure in my heart. The truth is more than one day I got out of bed for them. They kept me going, even in the lowest of the low moments. And while they are not perfect, (they are kids after all!), they also showed so much love and kindness and strength this year.

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