Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Long Day

Today was a long day. It ended well, but it was a long day.

I had to go get an ultrasound of the lymph nodes in my armpit. There was a lump there that the doctor felt last week and didn't like the feel of it. (I'll tell you now, everything is fine and it all checked out okay)

Yep, here we go again. Sigh. So I scheduled the ultrasound.

Today was the day. I had to go to the same place I had to get my mammogram. I haven't been back there since then. Inf act, that was the one and only time I had been there. To get my mammogram. To have the doctor say we need to biopsy. To hear them say that it needed to be looked at further.

My goodness, it was gut wrenching to be back there today. So very much anxiety wrapped up in such a small thing. Thankfully, this was a diagnostic ultrasound so right after I had it done, the doctor came in and talked to me. He said everything looked fine and they were recommending no further action. Not even to watch anything.

Thankfully. Then I ran out of there as fast as I could. Because my odds there are now50/50 and I just don't like those odds in the slightest bit.

This is the part of cancer I hate the most: the cancer is gone, and yet, it's not. I mean, technically I'm NED and no one thinks cancer is in me. But my body likes to have lumps and bumps and have things go wrong. And since I had cancer once, everything gets looked at, checked, sometimes double checked or rechecked. Tests, scans, appointments, it sometimes feels unending. And every time I have to get one, I get so very nervous. Because even though the odds are in my favor, I've heard that before and it was still cancer.

I suppose I should be used to it by now. I should be able to brush it off and laugh about needing yet another test. And yet, I can't. Every single time feels like that first time, feels like I am minutes away from getting bad news. Again. And I hate it. I can't stand it. I hate both cancer and I hate my ability (or more inability) to deal with it all. Still. Now.

This is the cycle I'm in. Doctor's appointment, scan, news, another appointment, blood test, appointment, scan, news, round and round it goes. I'm stuck in the middle of it, waiting for it to end.

But alas, it doesn't. The news is good. The week goes on. And Friday I have not one, but two, appointments to go to. We'll see what they bring. I'm hopeful it won't bring anything. Afterall, I still have another appointment next week to go to. And I feel like I had enough excitement for the month already! 


  1. God willing, though, come Thanksgiving all these negative tests will be something extra to be thankful for. Hugs to you, my friend.

  2. Thank God for good results. And yes, the anxiety of the endless scans and tests and exams is brutal and nerve wracking.

  3. I know this is all very hard, but I'm glad you are able to get care and even happier that you keep getting good results.

  4. Anonymous6:02 PM

    This one hit me right in the feels, lady. Perfectly encapsulates how I deal when I go back to one of the places I associate with the tests, the treatment and the follow-up. I want to be 'past it' and done with cancer but it seems we never are. And it doesn't seem to get easier. Hugs to you, lady. Glad you got through this round. - Persimmon


Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)