Wednesday, May 25, 2011


Hello everyone.

First, let me thank you so very much for all the meals, love, support, just all of it that we have received! I am just blown away and so grateful for all of it. Getting through all of this would be so much morer difficult without all of you.

I know I've been pretty quiet. I don't mean to be. But when they told me I'd have limited arm movement/strength after surgery I just didn't quite get it. I mean mentally I understood, I just grasp just what that means. Aft getting home Sunday we realized I couldn't even open my laptop. So Eric opened it up and we thought we'd leave it like that. Until we realized I couldn't sit down in the chair with the laptop desk in front of it and I couldn't move the laptop desk. Right now I'm using the iPad - but still when I'm tired or very sore after doing hard work (by hard work I mean trying to feed myself. Or lift a full glass of water) even the iPad is too heavy too lift.

I don't mean to complain. I also don't mean to scare anyone who may stumble upon this as they are preparing to under go mastectomy surgery. But it's where *I'm* at right now in this moment. I don't have a high tolerance for pain. I'm also learning I don't have a high tolerance for pain medicines. Which isn't necessarily the best combo at this time.

However, every day gets a little bit easier. Every day I can do a little bit more. And while some days a little bit just doesn't seem like enough or seem to take me as far as I want to go, it's forward progress. And really, what kore could I ask for right now? Okay, I admit, I just wish I could knit for a little bit. And I miss hugging the kids. I can't lie, that one is killing me inside. And evreyday my 5 year old tells me he hopes I feel better soon so he can give me a big hug. And it just makes me want to cry (which trust me, I've been doing plenty of) and saying screw the pain, and just come give me the biggest hug that you've ever given in your life. But instead we hold hands. I give him a kiss. He kisses my forehead. And it tides us over for now.

And soon we'll be hugging again. And really, it's a small price to pay to get rid of this flipping cancer. Because in the end we'll have so many more years to hug. And even though some days I have to remind myself of that more than others, I know we'll get through this. I'm not giving up. Cancer will NOT win. It picked the wrong person to mess with. It had no clue how powerful a fight that we all would put up. Because really, you are all fighting along side with me. Every comment, every prayer, every good thought, every (virtual) hug, every bit of kindness you all shower upon me. It helps. You are all here with me, fighting along side. And I'll never forget that. So thank you all so very much.

*I apologize for any typos/errors. I'm not used to typing on this thing. And also, I'm on some powerful pain killers, so I hope this makes even an ounce of sense.


  1. Damn, I knew you were going to make me cry. I am glad to hear that each day gets easier, I suppose that's the best you can hope for. Please don't feel bad for being quiet if it's too much for you, or for complaing if that's what real. As for scaring others who may be preparing to go through what you are going through, I know personally I would want to know the truth and be able to be as prepared as I could before. Some people don't have the wonderful support system it seems you have and knowing what it will truly be like might really help them to know what to expect and hopefully have the chance to make the changes or ask for the help they'll need!
    You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I can't imagine how hard it must be to not be able to hug your kids, but just keep focusing on the fact that what you are going through right now is giving you many more years of hugs to come!!!!!! I'll be hugging my kiddos extra tight tonight for you!!!! <3

  2. Drugged up or not, typos or not, its SO good to hear from you! Honestly, I don't even have an excuse, and I make typos all the time. I'm glad you're doing better and getting better everyday. I can only imagine how hard it must be to not be able to hug your babies, but you're right- you have a lifetime of hugging ahead of you. ((the biggest, gentle-ist virtual hugs ever!))

  3. :) sure making me think about the things i take for granted! i did a "program" once on "hugging"...all the different types, bear hug, "A" hug, around the shoulder hug,'ll have to try them all out once you're given the doctors approval to hug n be hugged again! AND you'll have to make up for the 4 hugs a day that everyone should have just to maintain a positive attitude. YOU MUST have had a lot of hugs before surgery because yours is outstanding! You're doing great!

  4. Anonymous1:47 PM

    Hang in there, Brandie, and soon enough you'll be back to giving and receiving huge bear hugs. Let yourself cry when you feel like it--it's very healing. Know that you are in our thoughts and we're all sending gentle (((hugs))) that don't hurt. Chris, San Diego

  5. The hugs would rip at me too. Kisses are awesome, though, too, and I'm glad you're getting them - lots of healing medicine in the kisses of a 5 year old. <3

    It's so hard when it slams you from out of nowhere. But you're doing so amazingly well. Be proud of how far you've recovered so far. Look back at where you were 5 min post op, 5 hours,'ll see the leaps and bounds you're making. I can't imagine it! It's crazy how much is connected to your chest, isn't it? You never realize just how intermingled the parts of your body are until one is injured or hurt.....

    Keep up that strong chin - and reminding yourself that this, too, shall pass. You and your family are amazing. I'm glad you have so many to support you. I have been wearing my pink bracelet again, and everyone who asks me why says they'll include you in their prayers - so you have even more people, those who don't even know you, who are out there thinking about you.

    I'm sorry the medicines are messing you up. Have they tried different ones? I know certain ones mess up my stomach while others knock me out, and yet others just help and don't mess me up. Hopefully, you'll be able to find the right balance.

    Many hugs, and prayers!

  6. I think it is great that you are being so honest because others who have to go through this will appreciate this so much more. They will be more prepared!! It's amazing that you were even able to write this post so kuddos to you:-) Wishing you a speedy recovery and when you kick cancer's butt you will be giving your kids thousands of hugs and kisses. Right now you are just saving them up!!

  7. everyday you are closer to hugging your people. getting creative isn't your weakness--so i know your kids know and feel all your love for them. the prescribed pain meds are awful for me too. i hope you can switch to something else soon or won't need them at all. thinking about you everyday, brandie. p.s. i love when i realize my friends have married really well--i think you and eric are perfectly matched.:)

  8. It is SO good to hear from you. I know it's a bit tough right now - but the hardest stuff is all behind you now. And be sure to let me know when you are cleared for contact - I want to be sure to get in line for one of those hugs - HUG.

  9. Keep fighting like a girl! You continue to be in my prayers.

  10. Muwah. MuWAH. Lots and lots of soft kisses for you, honey. Every day will hopefully feel better and better. I'm glad you're able to write, but please don't overexert yourself.

  11. It is good to hear your voice. Mom and Eric's reports kept us updated, but your written word is a treasure. Your perserverence, honesty, and tenacity is admirable. Kepp it up! The story about Carter brings tears to our eyes.

  12. *crying*

    Keep pushing forward, Brandie! Sending you more good vibes for recovery!

  13. Hooray, you're here! It's going to be tough, but it's going to be better. Think baby steps, a little each day. You are a strong woman even if you don't feel that way physically.


  14. I wish for you a quick recovery. Keep fighting the good fight.

  15. Anonymous10:10 PM

    Hey Baby, You are so amazing and strong. I am so very proud of you.
    I am truly grateful to all your blogging buddies. I love all the support you are getting and I enjoy reading all their comments to you.
    It warms my heart that you are loved by so many people. Just remember no one loves you more than your momma!!!
    You are doing great and I can see you getting stronger each day! Just don't over do it and remember I am here for you day or night because there aint no mountain high enough aint no river wide enough to keep me away from you!!!

    Mother "F"

  16. You ARE strong, and getting stronger every day! Keep up the fight, girl! Much love and prayers to you!


Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)