First, let me thank you so very much for all the meals, love, support, just all of it that we have received! I am just blown away and so grateful for all of it. Getting through all of this would be so much morer difficult without all of you.
I know I've been pretty quiet. I don't mean to be. But when they told me I'd have limited arm movement/strength after surgery I just didn't quite get it. I mean mentally I understood, I just grasp just what that means. Aft getting home Sunday we realized I couldn't even open my laptop. So Eric opened it up and we thought we'd leave it like that. Until we realized I couldn't sit down in the chair with the laptop desk in front of it and I couldn't move the laptop desk. Right now I'm using the iPad - but still when I'm tired or very sore after doing hard work (by hard work I mean trying to feed myself. Or lift a full glass of water) even the iPad is too heavy too lift.
I don't mean to complain. I also don't mean to scare anyone who may stumble upon this as they are preparing to under go mastectomy surgery. But it's where *I'm* at right now in this moment. I don't have a high tolerance for pain. I'm also learning I don't have a high tolerance for pain medicines. Which isn't necessarily the best combo at this time.
However, every day gets a little bit easier. Every day I can do a little bit more. And while some days a little bit just doesn't seem like enough or seem to take me as far as I want to go, it's forward progress. And really, what kore could I ask for right now? Okay, I admit, I just wish I could knit for a little bit. And I miss hugging the kids. I can't lie, that one is killing me inside. And evreyday my 5 year old tells me he hopes I feel better soon so he can give me a big hug. And it just makes me want to cry (which trust me, I've been doing plenty of) and saying screw the pain, and just come give me the biggest hug that you've ever given in your life. But instead we hold hands. I give him a kiss. He kisses my forehead. And it tides us over for now.
And soon we'll be hugging again. And really, it's a small price to pay to get rid of this flipping cancer. Because in the end we'll have so many more years to hug. And even though some days I have to remind myself of that more than others, I know we'll get through this. I'm not giving up. Cancer will NOT win. It picked the wrong person to mess with. It had no clue how powerful a fight that we all would put up. Because really, you are all fighting along side with me. Every comment, every prayer, every good thought, every (virtual) hug, every bit of kindness you all shower upon me. It helps. You are all here with me, fighting along side. And I'll never forget that. So thank you all so very much.
*I apologize for any typos/errors. I'm not used to typing on this thing. And also, I'm on some powerful pain killers, so I hope this makes even an ounce of sense.