The last year has left me with scars. Both ones that are visible to the eye and ones that are invisible, but are there lurking none-the-less.
Some scars are fun to talk about - when we get them from fun things. My daughter has a scar from when she tried to jump over a concrete bench. Which makes us all laugh when we think about it now. I know people who have such fun tales to tell about their scars. I have one on my chin from jumping on furniture. It serves as a warning to my children (okay, okay, not to my son. Nothing will convince him to not jump on furniture it seems).
But these new scars, are different. I have two scars from getting the port put in. Oh they are healing. But we will reopen them when it's time to take the port out. And of course, there is that angry scar line that goes across each breast. It's not a scar that's fun to talk about. It's not one I want to show off to anyone. It comes with no funny tale. One has done some healing and isn't as bright as it used to be. But the other, is new again, and still angry looking and has much healing to do.
But much like my post from Friday, this has been difficult for me to emotionally deal with.
See, here's the thing. Parents all over tell their kids it's not what's on the outside that counts, but what is on the inside. But, we lie. We know that people are constantly judged by their appearance. We, especially women, are bombarded with messages to be thin, have perky nice boobs, white teeth, hair with volume, the right clothes, hell - now we have to have long eyelashes. And oh, don't like those scars you carry? That's okay. Plenty of people are willing to sell you creams to help them disappear.
But some scars can't be erased. They can fade over time. But they will always be with you. And herein lies the problem. I can't lotion these scars away. I can't magically wish them away. They are there, and will always be there. And therein lies the problem. I desperately wish I could get rid of these scars. That my body would be back the way it was 9 months ago.
But I can't go back. I can only go forward. One moment at a time. Some moments are easier than others. And some are very dark and difficult to move through.
The other day I ran across this though "A scar simply means you were stronger than what tried to hurt you." (via @DrBeckerSchutte on twitter). I thought what a beautiful sentiment. And for a few blessed moments, those scars went from being something to be ashamed of and embarrassed by to something to be proud of.