Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A bit of a downer ....

I'm sure you've noticed that my recent posts are, well, kind of a downer. To me they feel serious and raw as I open up about some of the things that are hard for me to talk about with all of you. Don't get me wrong, I love you all, but it's not exactly easy to share some of these thoughts with you. I type these posts up and hesitate to hit that publish button. I'm terrified you will read these posts and think less of me.

Because, here's the thing. It's so easy to share the good days with you. It's easy to share the wins and the triumphs and the uplifting things. But it's so difficult to share the bad days. The set-backs and the not-good news and the pain of all that is happening. Not only is it hard, but it's scary to open up in ways like that. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer. I don't want people to leave my blog feeling down. But more importantly than that ... I don't want to disappoint anyone.

I know. That sounds strange. Hear me out. So often I'm told how wonderful it is that I can be positive and upbeat through all of this. So I'm reminded that having a positive attitude can help. These things are said in love and care. And I appreciate that so completely. But there's a part of me that has taken those lovely words and twisted them. {And I'm sure this is the same part of me that says I must lose weight to be happy. And my body is now ugly. And someday I will permanently shut this tiny part of me up!}. This tiny part tells me ah, see, everyone expects you to be happy and upbeat. So don't show them anything else. Or they won't like you anymore. The won't want to listen to you anymore. They will get tired of it and leave you all alone.

And these days? That voice is very loud in my head. Despite the fact that I am, in fact, surrounded by so many wonderful people (including you!) who listen to my bad moments, who send me lovely notes, who are there for me right where I am - on the good days and the bad. Right now I'm just stuck in a string of bad days. I can't lie. Surgery was really the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I had it all together until then. Well, okay, I had it mostly together until then.

But I also know that I can't simply smile these things away. That I need to work through them and process them. It's how my brain works. And so, I might be a bit of a downer for a while. That's not fun, I know. It's not much fun for me either. But it is where I am at. And I have to honor these feelings and work through. I don't want to stuff them down and ignore them. That has never worked well for me.

So, bear with me for a bit if you can. If you can't, I understand. The truth is I'll never know you took a break from reading for a few weeks. But also, know this. I haven't given up. I admit, I'm struggling with depression right now. And struggling to process all that has happened. And to deal with this new body. But I haven't given up. But I am going to be true to myself and not sugar coat the things I need to get out there. Because this writing? It's healing for me. It's therapeutic for me. Truly, I don't know where I'd be without it. So I will keep writing. Open and honestly. And I hope you'll come along for the journey - the ups and the downs.


  1. I'm here. I'm thinking of you always. So is our group. xoxox

  2. Anonymous6:04 PM

    I will always be here for you Brandie, I love you so much. If you need anything just yell and I will answer . You are the bestest niece in the whole wide world.
    Love You and Miss you
    Aunt Pam

  3. Thank you for being so honest. I have some of the same insecurities, I just feel silly saying them aloud. We don't have to always see the glass half full. Thank you for being brave and speaking the words we are all afraid to utter because of fear.

  4. As much as I hate to hear you are feeling down, I would worry a little bit if I thought you never felt that way (because who wouldn't?). Just know you are loved whether you are feeling positive or not.

  5. Anonymous5:14 PM

    Thinking of you and sending love, Brandie - so glad you can put your feelings into words, and hope the healing continues. xo Chris, San Diego


Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)