This week I had to face some ugly truths. In a sum, I think I'm depressed. I think too I've known this for a few weeks now, but I've been in denial. A lot of denial.
And since I'm being completely honest I will tell you I basically feel like I am drowning right now. And there is no life preserver to grab onto. I can't see any boats in the distance coming to rescue me. I feel alone. And like I'm slowly losing steam to keep on treading water.
Which is silly because the truth is I'm surrounded by people who would come rescue me in a heartbeat. And I know that, but still I feel very lonely inside. And defeated. I've not been doing things I should be doing lately. I'm just so exhausted. And worn out. And things just take so much effort. So things get left undone. Oh it starts with letting one thing slide. And then another. And another. Thankfully, we are not to the point where I've let everything slide. Just some things.
Which basically makes me feel like I'm mostly failing. But on the path to completely failing. {Also, I know I'm not really failing. But knowing that and feeling that are two different things}.
Anyway, there's a lot at play here. One of my medicines is probably contributing to this a lot right now. But it's a medicine that's supposed to essentially keep my cancer from coming back. So what do I pick: risking cancer again? Or feeling like crap all the time? {Okay, okay, the decision isn't quite that black and white. There are things we can try to alleviate the symptoms first before I have to make that decision. But still, in my head, that's how it feels.} Of course, as I'll tell anyone who asks, I also feel like I've been to hell and back over the last 9 months. And I'm still recovering from all of that. And so there is a lot going on. A lot of different things that are causing me to feel this way.
I think the toughest part is really, I have a lot of wonderful things in my life right now. I have a lot of things to look forward too. I have an amazing family that is patient and loving and kind. I have friends who are just as wonderful to me. And yet? Inside? I just feel broken. And like I will never be healed. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because shouldn't all the good in my life make me feel good?
The good news in all of this is that I don't have to do it alone. Even though it's so hard to ask for help {also? please someone tell me why it's so hard to ask for help}, help has been asked for. I'd like to say this can all be "fixed" overnight. If only it worked that way. But I'm not giving up. I'm not throwing in the towel. Because, the prettiest truth I've learned: I deserve to feel good inside.
You are not alone. All of out here in the ether care about you and know that you are going through a tough patch right now. Reach out to your loved ones and let them know how you feel and they will keep your head above water until this feeling passes. You have been through an awful lot in such a short time span. Many hugs coming your way..
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to seeing you and Eric tonight. And I promise not to HUG too hard.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard right now. I know it's not easy to listen to all of us who haven't been YOU for the last nine months and hear us say "You're not alone" - because you know that inside - you ARE alone - there's only YOU living in your skin. But what you need to know is there's a whole bunch of us who would hold you, touch you, love you and move the world to keep you safe. Thank God you have Eric. But there's more of us, out here, ready, willing and able, to help.
I've been reading for a while now...but not commenting. I just want you to know that I think you are so strong and so brave. Admitting you feel this way is courageous indeed. Praying for you and hoping you feel better soon!!!
ReplyDeleteI think you already know the things that I would tell you, but as you noted, knowing something and feeling it are different. I wish I had a magic wand, or something that would fix everything. As hard as it is for me to feel helpless when I want to help you, I know everything you're going through is a thousand times harder. All I can do is tell you things you already know: You're loved. People everywhere are praying for you, not just your physical health, but YOU. And it won't always feel like this.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could have written this post. Just different circumstances. You are brave, loved and supported. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou KNOW you are never alone (as we learned at 2AM on twitter.... well, 2AM for me!).
ReplyDeleteFeel your feelings... and don't isolate..... and I have good ears and a welcoming shoulder..... and a good giggle as needed.
xoxoxox
Brandie,
ReplyDeleteYou were broken and need to have all of these feelings to become whole again. It is hard to feel the light when you feel like you've been swallowed up by darkness. You will soon, I just know it. You will get the right balance of meds, start to get your energy back and feel the warmth of the light again. I've delt with depression. It's not easy. Admitting you need help is the first step. I am so sorry! I love you and think about you everyday.
Love,
Kelly
Hi, I've been reading for a while too and I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. I was on Arimidex at first and it affected me so much that I ended up in a mental hospital. So they switched me to tamoxifen and I still felt so depressed, like I was barely alive. I kept talking to the cancer counselor and talking and talking. But never really getting better. Finally saw another counselor who suggested that I stop the Tamoxifen for a while. So I stopped. and the fog lifted, ever so gradually. Now, I am BRCA2+ so this was not an easy decision.
ReplyDeleteI would rather die from cancer, that die in despair. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Ugh!
Prayers coming your way..
Dianne Duffy