Yesterday my lovely mother and I went wig shopping. We each bought a wig. I LOVE the wig she bought - it's perfect for her. She loves the wig I bought. She says it's perfect for me. I bought it on her recommendation.
The truth is I don't think I would have liked any wig they put on my head, even if it was a wig, made with all of my hair and looked exactly like my hair looks right now. Because one of the things I hate the most about all of this, is that I have to lose my hair.
Sometimes I complain about my hair, but I actually mostly like my hair. And I like it long. And I hate that soon (yes soon, the falling out should start around Wednesday and be completely done (if we don't shave it before then which I think we will) within 2 weeks) it will be all gone. Having to go buy a wig is just a reminder that it's coming and coming soon.
I know, I know. Hair grows back. I'm told it often comes back looking nicer than before. But still. I'll be hairless. Blargh.
I think, for me, the biggest reason this bothers me is because it's like a shining beacon to the world wherever I go that I have cancer. Might as well just put it on a shirt and wear it out. Oh, well, I mean besides the awesome shirt my mom gave me for my birthday! LOL!
And really, it's silly for me to think that. I imagine the truth is that it's much like when you are 14 and you are positive the entire world is staring at you, watching your every move, when in truth they are too worried about you staring at them to really be staring at you.
Of course, the hair will grow back, this too shall pass. I have lots of pretty scarves and hats and now a wig (well, okay it still needs to be ordered, and trimmed, but they can't do that until I'm bald) to cover my head just in case my bald head is hideous and we didn't know it because my hair was so lovingly covering it!
And still. I wish I didn't need to get a wig. But this is life. And my hair loss is supposed to be short lived. And right now my hair grows quickly and I'm hoping and praying that doesn't change.
{As a side note I wish I had a picture to show you, but after we left I remembered I never pulled the camera out to take one and I really had intended to! Oh well, it will be here soon and I'll show it off then!}
Hey there, thanks for your comment. You are truly amazing, you're fighting for your life and being a mummy and wife and everything else. Harry and I send you big hugs, you can be tough cookies together x
ReplyDeleteI've read a few fountian-y blog posts this morning, you seem more like a well. (meant in a very good way)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have people loving you & helping you through this.
~Mary
Brandie - you will shine in that wig! (and the scarves & hats, too) Sending love to you and your family as you face the many struggles each day. May the love you feel carry you through. xo Chris, San Diego
ReplyDeleteAnother friend of mine went through this last year. :-( Except she's doing great now and as self-conscious as she was, truth be told her wig looked fabulous. Really. I'm sure yours does, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for shaving your head (not that you asked...did you?). It allows you to take control to some degree and let's face it, makes for a good blog post.
Hugs to you!
Sending you strength, babe. I can only imagine right now, and I know what a vanity my own hair is to me. It is NOT silly of you to be mourning the impending loss of your hair.
ReplyDeleteFeeling self conscious is, like you said, something we all go through. I hope that with your t-shirt and your scarves/hats/wig, you'll feel well armed for any stares or questions you may get.
ReplyDeleteI know this doesn't help, but I do know that any time I see a person with no hair and the more obvious signs of going through chemo, the only thing I do is think, "I hope that they will get better. I hope that this stranger has a good, healthy life after all this crap they have to go through." And then I hope that my kind thoughts might, somehow, go through the cosmos and send a message to whatever is our there that this person needs healing. :)
My older son shaved his head when our niece (close friend's daughter, really) lost her hair - and people would stop and stare at him, and look at me with sympathy. But he rocked - he would proudly say, "I shaved my head for my friend with cancer." And it would break a tension, and people would say they'd pray for her, etc. I think as hard as this part is for you - know too that people will be wishing strength and hope in your direction. <3