Sunday, September 25, 2011

Happy Fall ...

So Friday marked the first day of fall. And don't get me wrong - I love fall. Applesauce, apple cider, pumpkins, fall festivals, pulling out sweaters, fires in the fireplace. It is all lovely and wonderful.

But this year, the start of fall means something completely different to me. This year the start of fall marks the end of the summer I feel that cancer stole from me. And we can sugarcoat this summer as much as we want to, but the truth of the matter is that cancer did in fact steal my summer. Not only from me but from my family. All the places I would have taken the kids. All the days we would have gone to the pool, or on bike rides, or hung out at the park with friends. All the times my mom had to be over here when she could have been doing a million other things. All the work my husband had to miss. All the vacation time he took that wasn't spent on anything remotely near a vacation. I could go on and on with these examples.

I also know that not a single one of those people affected by my cancer would complain about it. At least not to me. What I call their sacrifices is what they call being part of a family. And while I appreciate that is how their attitude is about it, still, in my heart they all made big sacrifices. Our summer was stolen. And I feel jaded by this. I am hoping as time passes, this will sting a little less. Or that next summer will bring a redemption to this summer. Or heck, even as we head into winter, and life gets back to "normal" (whatever the heck normal can be at this point) that things will start to feel better to me.

And this isn't to say that I only see the missing parts. I don't. There was also so much love and support and help this summer. I haven't forgotten any of that. There is so much beauty to find in this past summer too. I know that and recognize that. It's just with summer now at an end, the unfairness of it all seems to weigh on me more heavily than it did before. Because I can't go backwards at this point. I can't make up for all we missed. I can only move forward. And summer is now behind us.

But summer isn't the only thing behind us right now. Chemotherapy - which was grueling and so much harder than I could have ever anticipated, is also behind us. The shock of diagnosis? Also behind us. Hopefully all the worst parts are behind us. And hopefully things will begin to get easier. We aren't to easy yet, but we are to easier. And that is a truly wonderful thing.


  1. Cancer stole your summer, but it will NOT steal your life. Here's to many more summers to enjoy and a great dinner with friends coming up soon.

  2. You are right. And you voiced it so well. I'm glad that you caught this when you did, though, so that it was one summer stolen, and not years. :) Happy fall - here's to enjoying the cooler weather and the renewed energy you'll have! :)

  3. I am now following you. Gonna message you on ravelry.

  4. I have tried and tried to leave a comment here that doesn't sound trite and sappy.

    And so, I'll try again.

    You done good, kid. I guess in this case, you've had to give a little to get a lot. And don't think for a minute that those of us who know you - or have come to know you - don't admire your strength and your courage.

    You are amazing.

  5. I'm really sorry about your summer. I know I can't begin to understand what it has all been like. I am glad you have so many wonderful people who have helped and supported you. I hope fall really IS lovely and wonderful for you.

  6. Anonymous12:36 PM

    Brandie - may this be your BEST fall season ever! xo Chris, San Diego

  7. Anonymous2:35 PM

    Have had summers and winters robbed in fact had my boys live with my parents for a year when I was to sick to care for them. Trust me it was one summer it was awful something I cannot imagine but look at as a new beginning and that next year will just have to be twice as much fun.


Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)