On Wednesday I go in for what will be my last chemo treatment. This truly fills me with joy and happiness. Chemo is not fun. Even the "easier" chemo - sure it's easier than the hard chemo, but you know what? It's still not easy. So I am thrilled to be done with chemo. If I could, I'd have a HUGE party Wednesday and invite everyone to come over and help me celebrate the end of chemo. I'm that excited about it.
And yet, there is this other half of me that has start to completely. freak. out. Chemo is ending. But what if I need more? What if the cancer isn't all gone? What if it comes back? Maybe I should get a few more treatments. Just in case. Because let me just tell you all right now, I do not ever want to go through this again. Ever.
So chemo coming to an end is sort of a double edged sword for me. For as much happiness as I feel for chemo coming to an end, I also feel a lot of fear. And truthfully? This is the most fear I've felt through this whole process. Just a few days ago I was crying to my husband because I don't want this cancer to kill me. Because I want to see my kids grow up and get to hold my grandbabies.
I know logically I shouldn't be filled with this fear and this worry. I know that the doctor's didn't just put a bunch of numbers in a hat and draw one out and go alright, she gets 4 treatments of this medicine. There isn't anything random about my treatment. It's based on the too many women who were treated before me.
I know that worry will get me no where. That it's not good for me. I should kick it to the curb and focus on being happy that chemo is coming to an end. I'm trying. I am. But this fear is there. I have a feeling this fear will be a nagging presence in my life for a while. And I think that makes sense too.
But now I have to find that line ... that line where I keep control of the fear and not allow the fear to take control of me. I think actually getting to the end of chemo, and getting the chemo out of my system once and for all will help tremendously. And having all my awesome support (including you my lovely readers) around me and being there to listen to me will help a lot.