Monday, September 19, 2011

Fear ....

On Wednesday I go in for what will be my last chemo treatment. This truly fills me with joy and happiness. Chemo is not fun. Even the "easier" chemo - sure it's easier than the hard chemo, but you know what? It's still not easy. So I am thrilled to be done with chemo. If I could, I'd have a HUGE party Wednesday and invite everyone to come over and help me celebrate the end of chemo. I'm that excited about it.

And yet, there is this other half of me that has start to completely. freak. out. Chemo is ending. But what if I need more? What if the cancer isn't all gone? What if it comes back? Maybe I should get a few more treatments. Just in case. Because let me just tell you all right now, I do not ever want to go through this again. Ever.

So chemo coming to an end is sort of a double edged sword for me. For as much happiness as I feel for chemo coming to an end, I also feel a lot of fear. And truthfully? This is the most fear I've felt through this whole process. Just a few days ago I was crying to my husband because I don't want this cancer to kill me. Because I want to see my kids grow up and get to hold my grandbabies.

I know logically I shouldn't be filled with this fear and this worry. I know that the doctor's didn't just put a bunch of numbers in a hat and draw one out and go alright, she gets 4 treatments of this medicine. There isn't anything random about my treatment. It's based on the too many women who were treated before me.

I know that worry will get me no where. That it's not good for me. I should kick it to the curb and focus on being happy that chemo is coming to an end. I'm trying. I am. But this fear is there. I have a feeling this fear will be a nagging presence in my life for a while. And I think that makes sense too.

But now I have to find that line ... that line where I keep control of the fear and not allow the fear to take control of me. I think actually getting to the end of chemo, and getting the chemo out of my system once and for all will help tremendously. And having all my awesome support (including you my lovely readers) around me and being there to listen to me will help a lot.

10 comments:

  1. Big HUG, my Sweet. We'll all be seeing you soon. I have a hat or two for you - to keep your head warm in the months coming up - when things get cold.

    Grannie says not to worry - that whole Cancer thing will be in the back of your mind for a while - but one day you'll wake up and when you go to bed that night you'll realize you haven't thought about it all day. May that day come sooner rather than later. HUG.

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  2. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this fear but I think you need to cut yourself some slack and stop beating yourself up for fears you don't think you should have!!! We are moms and we worry! I think you have done great keeping the best attitude you can and you can't get mad at yourself if sometimes you can't shake the fear. A few extra prayers will go out for you this week!!! Try your best to worry about taking care of yourself but then don't feel guilty if you need to have a bit of a pity or worry party!!! We all love you and we'd totally come to THAT party too!!!!! {{{Hugs}}}

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  3. Brandie, I think your feelings are totally understandable. I bet I would feel the same way. The only thing I have to compare it to was when my daughter was hospitalized for pneumonia. All I wanted was for her to be released and come home, but when the doctor said she could go home, I was terrified she wasn't well enough.

    But you said the wisest thing--your treatment is not random, it is based on experience and science. Be gentle with yourself, and not just physically, as you are returning to health. Love you.

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  4. I know logically I shouldn't be filled with this fear and this worry. < So much of fear, anyone's fear isn't logical at all. And as you are the mother of young children, I can certainly understand how that exacerbates the emotional content of this.

    So cry a little more if you want, & don't feel guilty..it is actually a great release. ~Mary

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  5. So I had this long comment typed and then my computer froze. :-/ Your feelings are real, honor those feelings for what they are. And it's hard not to dwell on what could be...but know that you have an amazing support system that is pulling for you. You have an amazing spirit, I feel so blessed to know you. *hugs*

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  6. I think your worries are normal. I wanted to have a breakfast the last day of my radiation treatments but then I decided against it because I was afraid this wasn't yet over. (((hugs))) You are in my prayers. Congratulations on your final treatment :-)

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  7. First of all, if I could help you party, I would. I think this momentous occasion deserves a party- or if not, some kind of international coffee of sorts.

    I completely get the fear, though. I'd imagine its normal, and while I can't completely understand, you know that me and the rest of "all your lovely readers" will always be here to listen to you vent your fears so you can go on about your not-so-daily business.

    You are awesome, amazing, and such an extremely strong, brave woman. I'm proud to call you a friend.

    And you, my dear, are going to kick cancer's @$$ so hard that it will rue the day it ever met you. THAT is a fact.
    ((HUGE hugs))

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  8. I'd be freaking out too! It's a life altering diagnosis, and then a new "way of life." And then, it's just over. And they say, ok, go back to your life. I can't imagine NOT being scared to not get the medicine. If that made any sense....

    I hope that you will get some tests or results that can help calm the fear. I know it won't go away, but you wouldn't be human if you didn't have it. :)

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  9. Oh sweetie. I don't know what to tell you. I think the worry has to work its way through your system until you can squash it like you're squashing cancer. There are lots and lots of "ifs" in our lives, aren't there? Wouldn't it be nice if we had a "crap meter" that, once met, meant we didn't have to worry about CRAP anymore?? I think that cancer would fulfill that Crap Meter.

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  10. Anonymous7:31 AM

    Brandie - we're all rooting for you, knowing that brighter days are ahead for you. It's ok to worry & to cry. Crying is very healing. Know that you are loved. xo Chris, San Diego

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Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)