Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ha ha - the joke's on you!

Well, not on you. On me.

You see, the end of chemo came. And went. And it was wonderful and lovely.

And now? The side effects are kicking my butt. I mean beyond kicking my butt.

I knew this going in. I knew the side effects didn't' stop with the medicine drip. I knew that it would take time for the medicine to leave my system. I knew my body would keep fighting and working. However, what I'm learning is knowing something and going through something are two completely different things. And um, yeah, I guess I keep learning that over and over with this cancer things. You can 100 people tell how things will work, and there are just too many times in life that it doesn't matter what they say - you can't fully prepare for it until you are there.

I also think there's a big component to this that is emotional. Emotionally I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready for side effects to be gone. I'm ready to start returning to life as normal.

But my body? It's not ready. It still needs time. It still needs healing. It still needs me to be gentle to myself. And that right there may be the crux of the problem. I still need to be gentle to myself. I still need to let others to take care of me. And let me tell you, as nice as it is to have everyone wanting to take care of you? It's also not so great. Because it's my job to take care of them. I'm the wife. I'm the mom. My parents are in a busy season. I want to be in my son's classroom. I want to be the one helping. Not the one in need of the helping.

Yet. Here we are. And I can wish upon a million stars for things to be different. But here is where I am. And this is what I need to accept. And this is what I need to come to terms with. Because while I know things will get better, they won't be getting better tomorrow or even the next day. So I guess I'll have lots of time practicing giving myself more time. And grace. And patience.

7 comments:

  1. Yes. Patience. you have the rest of your life to be the "Wife", "Mom", Caregiver. For the now, you just let the people closest to you, who truly love and car ABOUT you, be the ones who, for a while, get to love and care FOR you.

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  2. Your most...I don't know how to say it...emotional, eloquent, heart-thumping and wrenching post I've yet to read. You, my friend, need to rest a bit more. Everything will be waiting for you when you're done kicking cancer's ass! I promise! Love you!

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  3. You're a young mom who has had to assimilate the unimaginable. You need to give yourself a huge break & permission to put yourself first for a little while. You need to; it is not selfish at all. I have this feeling you are loathe to be selfish, but you need some peace, comfort, & rest to heal...or you can't be any of the things you are to anyone...~Mary

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  4. Marilyn6:12 PM

    I hope I am in the right place. If so, I sat next to you and your family at Blue Man Group. (I have also sat next to your in-laws at other times). I want to tell you what a beautiful family you have. I loved hearing your children laugh. You are so lucky to have such a beautiful and supportive family who love you so much. You also have excellent taste in hats.

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  5. Grace and patience are the most difficult lessons to learn, aren't they? It's difficult to accept charity, especially when we REALLY need it. Because that's when we really DON'T want to need it.

    But this was very lovely, Brandie.

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  6. Marilyn6:52 PM

    I left a comment that I meant to leave for someone else that I had met. I am very sorry. I have not met you, but I am sure I would like you. You sound like an excellent mother and a very caring person. You can take care of everybody else when you are feeling better. In the mean time, I am sure they want to take care of you. We need to help those we love.

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  7. Anonymous12:42 PM

    You will be back in that care giving role soon enough, Brandie. For now, give yourself permission to let others take care of you. (Easier said than done, I'm sure.) And be good to yourself - you have been through so much, and it takes a long time to process all that and regain your footing. Take care and know that others care. xo Chris, San Diego

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Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)