I'd like to blame the winter. Or maybe it's the post-holiday let down. Or maybe it's one year ending and being nervous about a new year starting. Or maybe it's just life in general.
This January, everything is magnified more than usual.
Frankly, I'm surprised that I haven't killed anyone yet. Or that my family hasn't killed me yet. (and no, we are not really on the verge of anyone killing anyone).
Because, let's be honest. Lately, I've been a huge witch.
It's getting better. Because I am trying SO SO SO hard to get better. But it's so hard.
Sometimes I have these mood swings and I just can't control them. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's true. I've said it before, I'm on medicine that screws with my moods and hormones and sometimes it is just. too. much.
So I snap.
I'm also adjusting my sleep cycle. Have you ever done this? Or tried to do this? If you have, maybe it affected your moods too. It is definitely affecting mine.
We are doing this medically, with medicine. It will be great in the long term. In the short term, it sucks.
Just to summarize, some of the side effects are:
- feeling sad or empty
- general feeling of discomfort or illness
- loss of interest or pleasure
- mental/mood changes (e.g., depression)
Seriously, sometimes I wonder how I'm even EVER able to just smile and be happy. Because everything is making me crabby, depressed, upset, anxious, and just feeling completely and utterly worn out.
I'm not trying to make excuses. But this is where I am. This is where I sit.
And I'm trying so hard. So very hard.
I'm trying to not yell. To not take things personally. To not freak out when things go a little bit wrong.
But I've always been high strung and anxious. And I've dealt with depression before all of this.
It is not easy.
It makes me a very unlikable person sometimes.
I always know it's pretty bad when even I don't want to be with myself.
So I end up crying. I end up feeling like crap. I end up alienating myself from my family because I'm so darn awful. And I get stuck in my own head.
And my family rallies around me, once again, and I feel better and lighter. And I get determined to not go back down that hole again. And I don't. For a while. But it will circle back around, unfortunately.
I just have to hope I get some time. And some space. And that my family doesn't give up on me next time it happens, or the time after that, or the time after that.
That some day they can look back and know that, despite my many, many mistakes, I am doing the best that I can each day.
And that someday I can look back and know that, despite my many, many mistakes, I am doing the best that I can each day. And find some peace in that.