On friendship and walls and feeling left out

I don't really know how to start this post well.

I do know most of this is my own fault. And I'm not looking for sympathy.

But sometimes, sometimes, I just feel so incredibly left out. And so incredibly lonely.

It's not that I don't have friends, because I do! And they are great and ready to jump in and help if I ask for it. I'm so lucky for that. I know this and I'm thankful for this. This is not about that though. This is about me feeling that I just don't have close friends.

I know this is mostly my fault, because something I am so amazingly good at is putting up walls and not letting myself get to close to people.

I don't know why I do this. But I've gotten so very good at it.

And this can make me feel so very left out. As I read about people taking vacations with friends, or going out with people they've been friends with forever, or when people refer to each other as soul sisters or sisters from another mister or a person they just couldn't live without. And I'm just there, watching, feeling happy for them I promise.

Alright, sometimes I can feel quite jealous too.

I often feel like a third wheel, an afterthought, someone who has to be there. Some of this is in my head. Some of this is true - but I can see that it's my fault. Because when you hold people at an arm's length, then they are bound to respond to that. 

I don't how to "fix" this. I don't know how to relax and just let friendships happen. I tend to come on very strong and then completely pull back. Because it is just too scary to be someone's best friend.

I know. It's crazy to be scared of that. But for me it's not - it's how I really feel. 

Sigh. I don't know. I think I might be rambling here. But I'm feeling on the lonely side these days. I know I'm just laying in the bed I made, but it doesn't make me feel less sad. Or less left out. Or less frustrated when I do get invited somewhere but I have to decline because something else is in the way.

Between the kids, the husband's work, doctors, feeling sick, even if you were to call and invite me to hang out, I'd have to say no 99% of the time. Which makes it hard to work on me trying to be a better friend. 

Life is complicated. There is a lot going on. I'm juggling more balls than I should be. There is no room for anything else.

Sometimes I picture myself in 10 years ... with the kids essentially grown, more time on my hands. And I'll still be home on a Saturday night. Sitting in my pajamas. My goodness, it's depressing.

So I here I sit. On a Saturday night. In my pajamas, just like so many Saturday nights before them. Throwing up these words here. It won't fix anything, and nothing will really change.

But my hope is, that just sharing this, just getting this off my chest might somehow lighten the load. And that would be a good start.