Saturday, November 22, 2014

A nightly mantra

Every night, as I am trying to fall asleep, I repeat in my head "I am healthy. I am strong. It's time to rest, relax, and heal."

Every night I say this.

Every night I don't believe this.

Every night I say this hoping, just hoping that somehow the mere act of saying it will make it true. And I will wake up believing it.

But I don't.

And I'm so frustrated and sad and angry and disappointed with so much of my body and it's seemingly inability to act the way I want it to.

I'm also grateful and happy and thankful for it too. My body has let me do lots of things, and after all it's been through, I can still wake up every morning and walk downstairs and get myself and my family breakfast.

I'm very aware that that makes me quite lucky.

And yet, once again, I find myself quite upset with the parts of my body that are not working.

I really wanted the iron challenge this week to go well. I really want to have more energy. I really want things to stop aching.

So I say my mantra every night.

I don't believe it can change anything except for what I believe. And I really hope that there is a moment where I say it so much, I just really believe it and start to feel it.

I am strong. I am healthy. It's time to rest, relax, and heal.

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