2 Years

Two years ago I wrote this post.

Two years.

I can't lie. It feels both much, much longer. And every so often, it seems like it hasn't been that long. {Though that feeling is rare and often fleeting}.

Two years.

Alright, alright. What I'm really thinking is two effing years.

Two effing years.

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On another, related note. Since today is my two year canciversary (?) it seems fitting to share this here today. My children helped me make this video. It's for a contest Avon is holding for walkers this year. I'd like to point out, I didn't give my kids scripts. I told them generally what I wanted and let them go.

I thought we had everything we needed when my oldest told me she had something more to add, and that's how the ending came about! I teared up then. I tear up every time I watch. I'm told, I'm not alone in it.

So here you go, why I'm walking in the Avon 2 Day walk this year



Happy Friday everyone!

xoxo,
Brandie

P.S. The song in the video is by the very talented Monica Allison.

Storms

sky before the storm - taken last summer

Storm clouds - dark, swirling 
Pouring down sadness and pain 
Sunshine, please come back

 I wrote that last week, late at night, and sent it out on Twitter. I don't often (as in almost never) write poetry, but it just seemed so fitting.

Last week was such a heavy week. It seemed like every time I turned the news on another story was breaking or changing or updating. It was all so overwhelming. Boston, West - in my thoughts.

And here? Here it literally stormed a lot last week. Many areas around us flooded - some areas still flooding. We personally were okay. Some roads in our town were shut down for a bit which made for an interesting commute for the husband.

This was all mixed with still feeling pretty overjoyed that the spot biopsied was not cancer. Last week I had one of the best appointments with my oncologist. My body is healing (again). Iron levels are still low, but so much more improved than where they were at their low. And my body promptly celebrated all of this by getting some sort of virus.

Last week was full of so many ups and downs, such an intense week.

And here we are, another week. A busy week for us - baseball and softball have started and there are a lot of practices to be juggled with the first game taking place over the weekend! Because that's how it works. Life keeps going. The sun keeps rising. Even during the hard times. 

Whirlwind

crocheting at the hospital to calm the nerves

I haven't been myself lately.

I'm still missing Hilarie. But aside from that, I've spent the last two weeks thinking I had cancer again.

It's exhausting to feel that weight on my shoulders. I was terrified. I kept thinking about how I was going to tell my kids, the rest of my family, my friends. I wondered what sort of treatment I'd have to endure. I fretted about whether it was a secondary cancer or a metastasis of the breast cancer.

April 1 I had an ultrasound. The tech can't say much, but she said enough that I walked out worried. Well, let's be honest, I walked in worried. We were checking a nodule on my thyroid.

A few days later, my doctor called with the results. My doctor. Called. Usually his nurse calls. The second I heard his voice on the phone, I knew we weren't just looking at little cyst that didn't need to be worried about. Nope. It was time to move to a biopsy. A freaking biopsy. That the doctor put a rush order on.

So Wednesday I went in for the biopsy. We did it through the hospital, so it wasn't my doctor who did it. That said, the doctor who did it was great. I was a basket case - anxiety so high that it was just oozing off of me. The doctor told me, though he couldn't officially say anything, that he felt it would come back benign. I walked out feeling okay.

But yesterday I had to go meet with an endocrinologist and I knew he would have the official results. Queue anxiety reaching epic proportions again. I didn't realize just how nervous I still was until I was shaking in his office. And he confirmed what the doctor earlier in the week couldn't officially say - the biopsy was benign. Can we say, hello new favorite doctor who got to tell me I didn't have cancer? LOL!

Phew. It's been a long two weeks. I'm feeling so relieved right now. We need to keep an eye on my thyroid. Some blood tests were done with results next week. It's all minor. And not anything to fret about anymore. A weight off my shoulders.

Happy weekend everyone.

Walking

Today I walked.

6 miles. I walked partly along a path I had never walked before. The sun was shining, warming my skin. I actually took my jacket off.

The sky was blue. Clear blue. Like on a summer day with hardly a cloud in it.

Birds were chirping their merry tunes. Although they were quite camera shy. I tried to snap several pictures but as soon as it they sensed I might even be thinking of getting close, they would fly away and sing from another spot.

Flowers were starting to bloom. Stems peeking up from the dirt. The grass shifting from brown to green.

It was truly, a beautiful day. Beauty was all around me. And I thought how weird it is that we live in a world with such beauty, and yet such heart break. So much wonder, and yet so much pain. Pretty things, pleasing to the eye to see, soothing to the soul to hear. And yet, so much ugliness.

I suppose the beauty is there to offset the ugly. It does - but not always enough.

Yet there is comfort in still being able to see the beauty. I'm going to try to hold onto it this week. It's going to be a long week. I will do my best to pass the time with my crochet, with my walking, and spending time with my family. And if the sun could stick around for a bit, that would be lovely.

Crocheting

I've been crocheting a lot lately. Crocheting, like knitting, helps calm me.

I can't lie friends. It's been a stressful couple of weeks. All of which culminated today when I learned a friend passed away suddenly.

Hilarie. A wife. A mom of three. She was happy and upbeat. She loved her family. She loved her life. She always had a kind word and a hug to give when I needed it. Though, we never did hug in person. Hilarie and I met on the internet over 10 years. We were part of an AOL Board for moms due in September of 2002. We bonded so much, we as a group have been through other tragedies unfortunately. {This includes my cancer diagnosis, when the wonderful group of women rallied around me in amazing ways.} Somehow, even when AOL decided to shut it's group board's down, we managed to stay together. It's amazing. 40-some women, most of who haven't met in person, and yet such a part of my soul, of the mother I am today, of the person I am today. Truly.

And yesterday, Hilarie unexpectedly passed away. My heart is broken in more pieces than I can say. I am sad. I am angry. I am shocked by this news. My heart aches for the family who loved her, for the friends who will miss her smile and upbeat personality. It is all so unbelievable unfair.

So today I've cried a lot. I said fuck more times than I should. I asked for hugs and shoulders to cry on. And I crocheted.

I know. I know. It may sound silly. But I crocheted. And as the yarn passes between my fingers, and I wrap it around the hook, I realize it is more than yarn. It is a life-line. It is a life-line for me. Because I'm not that strong. What I want to do is climb into bed, throw the covers over my head and not climb back out until a date much farther down the road. So instead, I cut myself some slack, I lay down for a little bit, but I get out of bed again. And I crochet. And I will think of Hilarie and her family and her precious children.