Crocheting

I've been crocheting a lot lately. Crocheting, like knitting, helps calm me.

I can't lie friends. It's been a stressful couple of weeks. All of which culminated today when I learned a friend passed away suddenly.

Hilarie. A wife. A mom of three. She was happy and upbeat. She loved her family. She loved her life. She always had a kind word and a hug to give when I needed it. Though, we never did hug in person. Hilarie and I met on the internet over 10 years. We were part of an AOL Board for moms due in September of 2002. We bonded so much, we as a group have been through other tragedies unfortunately. {This includes my cancer diagnosis, when the wonderful group of women rallied around me in amazing ways.} Somehow, even when AOL decided to shut it's group board's down, we managed to stay together. It's amazing. 40-some women, most of who haven't met in person, and yet such a part of my soul, of the mother I am today, of the person I am today. Truly.

And yesterday, Hilarie unexpectedly passed away. My heart is broken in more pieces than I can say. I am sad. I am angry. I am shocked by this news. My heart aches for the family who loved her, for the friends who will miss her smile and upbeat personality. It is all so unbelievable unfair.

So today I've cried a lot. I said fuck more times than I should. I asked for hugs and shoulders to cry on. And I crocheted.

I know. I know. It may sound silly. But I crocheted. And as the yarn passes between my fingers, and I wrap it around the hook, I realize it is more than yarn. It is a life-line. It is a life-line for me. Because I'm not that strong. What I want to do is climb into bed, throw the covers over my head and not climb back out until a date much farther down the road. So instead, I cut myself some slack, I lay down for a little bit, but I get out of bed again. And I crochet. And I will think of Hilarie and her family and her precious children.