The tradition continues!

Once again, we took midnight pictures for new year's!

I started doing this when my now 15 year old was just an infant and have kept it up. I believe I have a picture of all three kids every single year. And so far no one has been away from us for the new year, though I hope that the first year they are away, they will snap a picture (or have a friend) for their silly old mom who does that kind of thing.

 The 15yo, who doesn't appreciate getting her picture taken very much!

(and yes, I have a better one but she doesn't want me sharing so I respect that!)

 It is officially the new year. The TV says so. 

And yes, I take a picture of the tv almost every year too.

Mostly, so when I look back, I remember LOL!

 Miss 12. All happy and sparkly!

 The Husband. Whom I love!

 Happy, smiley 9yo. 

He was just happy to be up until midnight!

The husband took the camera and got a picture with me.

This is about as good as it gets these days!

Happy New Year's everyone!

2014 Rewind

Just for fun, I thought I'd rewind my year and link to one blog post from each month of the past year!

While I'm looking forward to 2015 and have set some goals for the year, I wanted to take a few moments to remember last year too!

January
January last year left me with the winter blues for sure - and it was a cold, long, awful, terrible winter last year and it just wore on me.
January was also when I had my nipples surgically put on. Not a long procedure and less painful than I expected.
But the highlight was definitely going to see Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me downtown with the husband!
So Date Night Adventures is my January blog pick!

February
So February was the continuation of an awful winter season. It included a lot of knitting and crocheting with a bit of reading thrown in on the side. I also had some fun working out at a local gym.
But the big February event was going downtown with my daughter to see Phantom of the Opera on stage. It was ah-mazing.

March
March was a big month on the blog! That was the month I announced that we were moving ... even though the husband and I had been talking about it since the previous fall, March was the month that everything with the move became real. Things were crazy as we had begun packing and fixing things up.
March is also the month that I kept reading about how too many breast cancer patients were making the wrong treatment decisions, so I penned the post You're Doing Cancer Right, because I believe that you are.

April
April was the month our house went on the market. I also did a knit-a-thon to help raise funds for my Avon 2 Day Walk and raised a bit of money and got to give quite a few washcloths away. I was feeling a bit stressed with the house and it had been a long year so far for me.
Which was great when husband surprised us with a trip to Universal Studios in Florida and then to Washington D.C. We had a fabulous time and ended up selling our house while we were out of town. It was a very good thing!

May
May I celebrated another birthday. Things were crazy. Husband moved to the new house at the end of April and in May the rest of moved over. It was a time of packing, moving things to and fro, getting everything in tip-top shape in both houses. There wasn't a lot of time to blog, but I did a lovely write up of our time at the World War II Memorial from the month before as it was a special part of our trip for me.

June
The lazy days of summer had summer. But they weren't lazy. There was softball, getting settled still, camps, I was back in occupational therapy. I spent a lot of time in my car that month and didn't have a lot of time for much us. I knit when I could and squeezed in some pre-bedtime reading.
June was also the month I participated in my third, and last for a while, Avon Walk, and it was a wonderful experience.

July
July was a month of more softball, therapy, and driving everywhere. I also felt totally exhausted and worn out. I survived though with the help of some naps and good support.
July was also the month I wrote a letter to a walker I met along the way at the Avon walk who said something that was kind of hurtful, though I assume she didn't mean it.

August
August was a busy month around here. On the blog I participated in a writing tour that was so fun nad gave me a chance to introduce you to a couple of bloggers and maybe see a bit more about my writing process. In August, Miss 12 and I went to the state fair as she was sent with a 4H project she made. August was also when I was struggling to get more organized, and not doing so well LOL! We also had a family trip to Arlington Park and had a great time.
August was also when I wrote a note in which I declared I'm Just a Person after reading an article where another celebrity made it seem like going through breast cancer made us all amazing people who could do things never before possible and blah, blah, blah.

September
September was a month in which I felt, well, basically awful for most of it. But I also went out to New Hampshire with the two younger kids and celebrated my middle child turning 12! I also had a few sentences in a Glamour article about young breast cancer patients and their decision to, or not to, get a double mastectomy.

October
October was a busy month. The husband was working a seasonal second job. Everyone was tired. But we had a great Halloween and my oldest turned 15. Which still blows me a way because I swear she was just born yesterday. The boy and I also did some exploring of a local nature park and I marveled at how much he is growing up too.

November
November was a hugely busy month on the blog as I participated in NaBloPoMo and blogged every single day in the month. I posted pics from the vacation in September. The family and I went to ChiTAG, again. And loved it, again. Thanksgiving happened. I did a lot of knitting and sent a lot of fun packages to people. I ranted against celebrities saying what I feel are ridiculous things about breast cancer. I also had some cancer recall thanks to a book I was reading and a tv show I was watching.

December
I spent a lot of time knitting my sweater for Save the Children. My baby turned 9, which was emotional for me. Christmas happened - decorations were put up, house was cleaned,and Christmas Eve was hosted here. Lots of time with family and parties to go to. Ringing in the new year. And I compared the holidays before cancer and now. I also wrote a letter, in general, for those going through hard times.

Phew. There's my 2014! Can't wait to see what 2015 brings!

What I'm Streaming December

*As a reminder, I am part of the Netflix Streamteam. I am being compensated for sharing with you, but as always, all thoughts and opinions are my own.

Happy New Year's Eve!

If you are going out tonight because you have fantastic plans, enjoy.

As for me and my family, we'll be home, lounging in pajamas and relaxing! Not that I'd mind a night out, but I also am very okay with just hanging out at home!

I'm sure some of our night will be spent watching some Netflix. I totally
want to see the King Julien countdown - because my son already watched every episode of King Julien! Yes, it just came out, but he LOVED it! He told me he's going to let me make a video of him telling the world why he likes it and I can share it here. We haven't done it yet, but I do plan to!

As for me, I had some pretty sleepless nights a few weeks ago thanks to the steroids I was on. I was warned that they would make me not want to sleep and oh boy did they ever! So I spent my nights streaming Marco Polo.

I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it and do hope a season 2 comes out.

The story had me hooked. Though, there is probably hardly any historical accuracy in the show, that's not what I was watching it for so I was okay with it. I liked many of the characters in the show too - not limited to Polo's character.

I will, however, never say Genghis Khan the same again (I'll pronounce the first G as a J, like they did on the show because that's how I roll). But I fell in love with the scenery for sure. I'd like to go ride horses around in those hills - it was lovely.

In honor of watching the show, when the husband and I sat down recently to play some Civilization V, I selected the Mongols as my team, and so far it's working out for me. The husband and I are kicking butt in the game! LOL! 

Of course, now that I've watched it all, I'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of every episode of Friends in January and then the big one in February: House of Cards. Is there a way I can just get a copy of House of Cards now? I promise I won't tell anyone a single spoiler!

In addition to what I've been watching, I've also done a fair bit of reading. I have officially started the Rory Gilmore Reading Challenge. Someone sat down and wrote down all the books referenced in the show - which I love the show and saw so many people watching it since it came to Netflix and it inspired me to start reading. I had read 38 books prior to even learning about the challenge, but in December managed to read 2 more. I'm hoping to get another 30 done by the end of 2015, which I know means 10 years to complete the list, but I'm okay with that!

I'm also bringing others into my madness and I started a group for other people who wanted to maybe do the challenge, or some of it, or just want to talk books! We'll see how it goes this year.

With that said, I want to say Happy New Year to everyone! I hope that your 2014 ends very well and that your 2015 is a good year!

Life Is Not Fair

Life is not fair.

I know. I know. I can hear it in my head "well no one ever said life would be fair." Which is code for suck it up, buttercup, you're no more precious than anyone else in this world so just accept it and move on.

Which maybe helps some people? I don't know. It doesn't help me much.

I'm not sure if it's because the holidays, but as I look around me and hear people talk or see what they are saying on-line, I see so much pain and sadness and so much unfairness of it all.

It makes me want to punch someone.

Except there's really no one I want to punch. Some invisible person who can be a stand-in for all the wrongs of the world.

I don't mean to sound like an awful person. Or someone who is over here wallowing in badness. And I don't want you to get the impression that I must have had a miserable Christmas or else I'd be sitting over here basking in the happiness the holidays brought.

Because I'm not an awful person. I don't think I'm wallowing. And I, in fact, had a lovely Christmas. One of the best ones in recent years!

But there is so much pain and loss and sadness. Not just in the world in general (which is true) but in my own back yard. Too many people missing their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, spouses, best friends. Too many people who never knew their mother and/or father. Too many friends wishing for just one more Christmas with their now angel child. People who spent Christmas in the hospital. People who just received bad news.

My goodness. The weight of it all. Which isn't even weight on my shoulders. But I feel it for those I love and care about. I wish I could fix it or right it or make the hurt go away.

But I can't.

And I think it comes out more at the holidays. Who do you want to spend your Christmas morning with?

My social media feeds were flooded with pictures of presents - big piles of them, small special gifts, toys flung all over the room, neat piles, messy piles, tons and tons of presents.

But that's not what we are all missing this time of year. We are missing people. Friends, relatives, lovers. That's what we are missing. We'd trade the biggest pile of presents ever for just one more holiday together, one more moment to make cookies together, or see a face light up when you've just given the best present ever, one more hug, one more kiss. Just one more "I love you. Always and forever."

That is the bitter part of bittersweet holidays, isn't it? The part where your heart aches so much you just aren't sure you can carry the weight of it in your chest anymore. Or the drop of your stomach as pain and sadness come flooding back.

It's there, between the laughter and new memories being made this year. It's there between the traditions you started with your own kids or are carrying down from your parents. It's there as you unwrap that special something you were given, or as your child runs over and bear hugs you because YOU ARE THE BEST EVER THANK YOU FOR ANOTHER AWESOME HOLIDAY!

I know some say you can't have light without darkness, happiness without sadness, etc, etc.

I'm not sure I completely believe that. I see where it comes from though. I get the sentiment behind it.

It still stings when there is darkness and sadness and pain.

It still hurts.

All of this to say, if you are hurting right now. Or are sad. Or are missing someone. You are not alone. And I'm sending love your way.

xoxo,
Brandie

Dec. Medical Update

While December is the month of holidays, it's also been a busy month, again, for me and doctors.

Not all the appointments have been for me - not only do I juggle my appointments, but I juggle the kids' and granny's appointments as well.

And 2014 has been the year of lots and lots and lots of appointments. So I thought I'd give an update. I know, it's boring to read, but documenting things here helps me keep track of things, which I need!

For a while now I've been having some issues. Without going into details, I can sum it up as phantom limb pain in my chest area. Basically my boobs have been hurting. Except I don't have boobs. And it was kind of freaking me out because it has just been getting worse and worse. So I went in to see the doctor. It turns out my muscles are spasming and tight. Which is inflaming the nerves, and so when the brain interprets the signals from the nerves, it goes back to what it knows. Next week (nope, I don't even get to take Christmas week off!) I am going to my favorite occupational therapist for an evaluation and a what to do next plan.

This is both awesome and not awesome. My therapist is great. She has helped me in the past. But, the thought of doing therapy several times a week just makes me want to cry. I'd like to not have to go see a doctor. Ever. Again.

Anyway, if she thinks therapy will help, that's the route we'll take. If not, back to the doctor? I'm not sure. I didn't ask. Because I'm assuming she can help. However, the "joke" now is how can you tell I'm in pain? I'm breathing! (But it's not usually a lot of pain, but it's pretty much always there.)

In addition, most days I've felt like I've been run over by a bus. I've been tired for so long I can't remember not being tired, but since summer it has felt worse, which isn't saying much because it was an issue before then. I constantly feel like I'm right on the verge of getting some virus - do you know what I'm talking about. The day before a virus hits, and you kind of think am I getting sick? Or not? Because it feels like it might be starting, but it's not quite full blown. That has been my normal for a while now. And the brain fog has at an all time high as well (though my migraines are back with a vengeance which isn't helping). And then I've been randomly popping low grade fevers which just kick my butt even more.

I kind of started to wonder if it was all in my head - like psychosomatic. Or maybe I was depressed - because I know that can cause one to feel tired, run down. Except I don't feel depressed - I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, run down, beat up, and moody - but not depressed. I've struggled with depression before and even if I don't want to admit it, I usually know something is going on. But I don't feel that way.

I know my iron levels at last testing weren't stellar. But they haven't been stellar for a long time and things have just slowly and progressively felt worse and worse.

Today was my regularly scheduled check-up with the oncologist. I saw the PA (who by way, is a wonderful person) and so I just laid it all out on the line. It all just came spilling out - I told her everything, how I was feeling, I also said something along the lines of "I mean, sometimes I wonder if I'm not losing my mind. Or maybe it's all in my head. Or I could be depressed. I don't feel depressed. But you can be depressed and not feel it. It's tricky that way. But if I was depressed or if it was all in my head would I be wondering if it was those things? And, oh my goodness, what is wrong with me?"

And my PA listened, nodded along, and asked some questions. We talked about iron, she asked if I had other tests run (which I had and could give her results for) and then she said, I think I know what's going on here. And basically we are talking about chronic fatigue and some adrenal issues. Which I've learned since sharing with others, that a lot of doctors won't talk about or believe it's "real" or whatever, so more points for my PA.

Anyway, we have a plan. Which will start with me doing 6 days of steroids. I took some steroids during chemo. I can already tell these are going to be some intense, crazy 6 days. I think I'm starting them Friday (though maybe delaying until after Christmas, but I kind of don't want to because I'm so freaking tired). Then after that I'm starting a sleep aid that will help me sleep, help with the insomnia, and help reset my circadian rhythm to something more normal.

Needless to say, I've got pretty much all my hope in these two baskets. I want this to work and I need this to work. So I can function. So I can drive myself and 4 other people to all our doctors appointments ;-) But no, seriously, I need energy and I need to feel good. I don't need the energy of a preschoolers. And I don't need to feel great. I'm just asking for more than I have now and feeling good. Because I just feel like if we can't get a handle on it, some thing's going to give.

(I wrote the rest of this a few days ago, and am now adding this part before I publish)

We also ran iron levels and I'm almost in tears to tell you that I just found out,f* not only did they not hold steady, they dropped. So. My almost non-existent iron levels are now about half of almost non-existent. When the doc called with this news I seriously wanted to burst into tears. Then I wanted to say f*&k a lot. Because more than sad, I am so incredibly, incredibly, beyond how I ever thought I could feel, angry. I'm just angry. Which means even if the treatment the doc and I planned - the steroids and some sleeping meds - even if they work to perfection, I will essentially still be tired. Not as tired, but tired. And I'm so absolutely pissed about this.

So, I guess it's time to pursue possibly almost killing me - which I'm half joking, but half not - because I think (though this is what the allergist I met with earlier said and I would need to consult with someone else to get an actual plan) they will pre-admit me to ICU, pre-dose me with lots of meds and then give me iron and keep treating reactions as they come and keep giving me iron and assume that I don't stop breathing. But he can't do it and I will need a new doctor, who specializes in this and maybe they'll say no, no, we won't be that crazy!

So. Boy. That sounds like fun.

Anyway, I'm going to temporarily try to say screw it all. Tonight we start baking cookies. And we will probably continue to bake until Christmas Eve.  But my girls are going to help me. And this is our tradition. And I'm going to be happy doing it. So that is how it shall be.

Have a good Friday friends!

And happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, and if I don't come say hi for a while, Happy New Year!