Dare I Put It In Print?

I hesitate to put this in print, to make it "official" but, I feel great. I mean, I really feel great.

I know, you're probably wondering why I would hesitate to share this. Well, it seems that just about every time I think things are starting to look better, wham. Something happens. The last several years have felt like 1 step forward, 3/4ths step back. I'm trying to not dwell on this. I mean, let's face it, life is a series of good and bad things. We hope for the good, but the bad doesn't happen if there's too much good. It just happens because that's how life is.

And right now? Life is feeling pretty good. My energy is coming back. Physically I am feeling great. Mentally I am feeling great. Great. I know I'm using that word far too many times, but I can't stop saying it. I mean, I really do feel great!

Last week was the turning point - I think my body just hit a point where it started to feel healed. I can't lie: having energy and not feeling pain? Is amazing. That in itself was an instant mood lifter. It allowed me to get out of my own head so to speak. {Yes. I was stuck in my own head and it was more than time for me to get unstuck.} So things getting better, helped things get even better, if you can follow that!

It's been good for everyone. It feels like there's a sense of normalcy around the house again. To do lists are being tackled. The house is getting (mostly) cleaned. Schoolwork is getting done. All of this is good, but more importantly, we're having fun again. Laughing, working on fun projects together. I feel like I'm really connecting with my family again.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I expect there will be a few more bumps along the way, but I'm not going to think about that now. I'm going to try to enjoy this. This moment. When I'm feeling great.

Just in case though, I'll probably knock on a lot of wood ;-)

Happy Valentine's Day

I hope that whatever today brings you, that you are shown love and are able to share it with others.

3 words ...

Alright, so I know it's February and I'm a little bit behind. To be fair, January wasn't exactly the best month for me.

Anyway, I actually picked these three words a few weeks ago, but haven't managed to make it over here to share with you. {on a related side tangent, I really haven't been on my computer much lately and it's not necessarily a bad thing, other than I haven't been over here much}. But, anyway, last year I picked three words to guide my year. I think they were good ones: celebrate, enjoy, heal. I may not have always been feeling them, but I did more than I didn't.

Sometime in mid-December I started to think about what words I would pick for 2013. Last year the words came to me pretty quickly but this year I had to really think about it. And I thought about it. And thought some more. And then, just a little bit more. But one day it hit me and my words came to me.

Learn. Explore. Grow.

I like these words. I feel like I can head a lot of different directions with them (and they've already helped motivate me to sign-up for some fun things I'll share soon!)

Now, I'm not an artist. I like to play around with drawing and coloring, but I have no hopes of seeing my pictures on a gallery wall somewhere. And I'm really okay with that. I'm still going to play around and have fun. Last year, I talked about turning my words into some sort of artwork and then never did. So this year, almost immediately I did something.

{side note: I used the Paper by fifty three iPad app. I love it. I even bought the extras. And no, I was not compensated to tell you about it. I just love it that much}

So there you go. My words for the year. Can't wait to see where they help take me!

What about you? Any words/resolutions/guides for the new year?

Puzzling

It's been pretty frigid in Chicagoland lately (I know a lot of other places are dealing with the cold too).

When it gets this cold, I tend to want to hibernate. So I've been reading a lot (I think maybe more on that tomorrow). And I've been working on a puzzle.

I went out Sunday with my mom. I refrained from buying the 4000. I REALLY really wanted to get it. But, we don't really have a place where I could work on it, because um, it wasn't exactly small LOL! Then I saw a puzzle that was a picture of yarn, and just knew it had to be mine.

Each day this week, I've spent some time working on. Usually I have the radio blasting and I'm singing along. Sometimes one or two of the kids will come over and help for a little bit. But it's usually just me, working along.

I love jigsaw puzzles. There is order in them. Each piece has it's place, it's spot. It can't go anywhere else in the puzzle. There is a "right" answer. And when I open up a puzzle box, I know all the pieces are there, just waiting to be put right where they belong.

I'm sure we could analyze that to death. I'm also sure that this doesn't surprise to many people. (though admittedly I am a messy person, but my brain craves order and I tend to be a very black and white thinker).

Anyway, today I finished my puzzle.

I love this puzzle. Though, I do wish I actually had all that yarn.

Of course, now I'm sad that I don't have a puzzle to work on. Maybe I do need to go back and get that 4000 piece puzzle afterall ;-)

New Year

Okay, so we're technically 17 days into the new year, that's still about 1/24th so, it's pretty new still!

I feel like I entered the new year with a lot of hope. I was so sure that this year had to be better than the last few. {That is not to say that the last two years haven't been completely awful - there have been a whole lot of awesome things in them}. But I'd be lying if I said the last two years have been tough on me - physically and mentally.

Last year, when 2012 started, I felt a lot of dread about the new year. I was just recovering from an unplanned surgery, trying to wrap my head around losing my tissue expander, and just feeling pretty beat up. I was happy to see 2011 end, but I was not at all happy with 2012 starting. It felt like we were down in a rut, and nothing, not even the changing of the calendar, could change that.

This year though, this year, I was ready. Things had to get better. The worst was going to be behind us and 2013 was going to just be nothing but awesome after awesome.

And then I landed in the hospital for 6 days. 6 freaking days. I believe it's my longest hospital stay to date - and the longest I've been away from my family {even though they came to visit, I still consider it as being away}.

I'm still completely exhausted, still taking medicines, following up with doctors, constantly checking myself for signs that the infection is coming back {yes, anxiety over this is sky high}. And if I'm being honest, I'm completely pissed that this happened.

I'm left wondering if my body will ever work properly. I'm anxious this will happen again. I feel guilty for all the people who had to step in and help out {not that anyone has complained, in fact people are very helpful and offering to continue to help}. I feel bad for my kids - like they are getting robbed because I can't seem to stay healthy for any length of time. And yes, I have a slight case of the why me's. There is a good dose of anger mixed in there too.

Look, I realize this makes me sound like a moping, sad, depressed mess. I am, but I'm not. 

I still am hoping that this year can only go up from here. I joked with my husband that I was just trying to get all the medical stuff out of the way early, and I hope that holds true - because I am still want a bright rest of the year.

But I can't pretend that everything is okay, that I'm feeling upbeat and excited and just over-flowing with joy. I'm not. This, like so much, is a process. And I'm taking it one day at a time - sometimes a minute at a time.

Last night we ordered Chinese (thanks to a friend who couldn't make us dinner so sent us a gift card) and this was my fortune:

  

I like it. I hung it up on our yearly calendar so I can look at it all year long. And remember, that there are lots of hardships in life - we all have them - but I'm going to do my best to keep overcoming them. And to embrace the good luck moments, because I'm a silver-lining kind of gal, and I need to just remember that.