Thursday, January 17, 2013

New Year

Okay, so we're technically 17 days into the new year, that's still about 1/24th so, it's pretty new still!

I feel like I entered the new year with a lot of hope. I was so sure that this year had to be better than the last few. {That is not to say that the last two years haven't been completely awful - there have been a whole lot of awesome things in them}. But I'd be lying if I said the last two years have been tough on me - physically and mentally.

Last year, when 2012 started, I felt a lot of dread about the new year. I was just recovering from an unplanned surgery, trying to wrap my head around losing my tissue expander, and just feeling pretty beat up. I was happy to see 2011 end, but I was not at all happy with 2012 starting. It felt like we were down in a rut, and nothing, not even the changing of the calendar, could change that.

This year though, this year, I was ready. Things had to get better. The worst was going to be behind us and 2013 was going to just be nothing but awesome after awesome.

And then I landed in the hospital for 6 days. 6 freaking days. I believe it's my longest hospital stay to date - and the longest I've been away from my family {even though they came to visit, I still consider it as being away}.

I'm still completely exhausted, still taking medicines, following up with doctors, constantly checking myself for signs that the infection is coming back {yes, anxiety over this is sky high}. And if I'm being honest, I'm completely pissed that this happened.

I'm left wondering if my body will ever work properly. I'm anxious this will happen again. I feel guilty for all the people who had to step in and help out {not that anyone has complained, in fact people are very helpful and offering to continue to help}. I feel bad for my kids - like they are getting robbed because I can't seem to stay healthy for any length of time. And yes, I have a slight case of the why me's. There is a good dose of anger mixed in there too.

Look, I realize this makes me sound like a moping, sad, depressed mess. I am, but I'm not. 

I still am hoping that this year can only go up from here. I joked with my husband that I was just trying to get all the medical stuff out of the way early, and I hope that holds true - because I am still want a bright rest of the year.

But I can't pretend that everything is okay, that I'm feeling upbeat and excited and just over-flowing with joy. I'm not. This, like so much, is a process. And I'm taking it one day at a time - sometimes a minute at a time.

Last night we ordered Chinese (thanks to a friend who couldn't make us dinner so sent us a gift card) and this was my fortune:

  

I like it. I hung it up on our yearly calendar so I can look at it all year long. And remember, that there are lots of hardships in life - we all have them - but I'm going to do my best to keep overcoming them. And to embrace the good luck moments, because I'm a silver-lining kind of gal, and I need to just remember that. 


9 comments:

  1. I think it's good to be honest about how you're feeling. If you don't, the energy you put into shoving the feeling down and pretending everything is awesome isn't available for more productive pursuits. It can be really helpful to say, "You know? This situation really sucks, and I am NOT enjoying it." Then, having acknowledged the feeling, you're free to move on from it when you're ready. Hugs to you, my friend.

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  2. And on the bright side, you've met your deductible for the year :)

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  3. The best thing you can do for yourself is acknowledge and express your emotions. And, you are leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for those who follow you. When I first was dealing with everything all I knew was what I saw on TV and in movies or those "inspirational" women I saw on those sickly sweet human interest stories on the news. It was blogs like this that offered me comfort and helped me to realize I wasn't weak. Keep writing, keep telling your truth. Blogs like this one are like handing flashlights out on unlit unpaved trails. (((hugs)))

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  4. Brandie, please get it all out there. You are ABSOLUTELY Entitled to rant and rave. Keeping it in isn't healthy. (Ha. I made a funny).

    I wish there was an actual freaking cure for cancer. For all of the issues that the treatments cause... I wish you could just FEEL GOOD for a change...

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  5. Jessie9:55 AM

    I'm still praying....still believing....and thankful for this post as you have been on my mind much the last 2 days.

    You are much loved.

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  6. Anonymous10:49 PM

    dear brandie,

    good for you, hanging that fortune up! and good for you for getting all your feelings out and onto your blog. i know so many of us will relate, especially about doubts and fears that your body will betray you - AGAIN.

    i can hear the resolve in your voice to do the best you are able, day to day. i hope you feel some relief after writitng so eloquently and with such candor. your amazing sense of gratitude and being an eternal optimist will always help to balance out all the struggles. and i will be BELIEVING that from this point on, 2013 will be much better, with less struggle and more good than bad.

    love, xoxo,

    karen, TC

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  7. I admire your optimism and understand how hard it must've been to be away from your family for 6 whole days of this brand new year. After all, silver-lining gals are the best kind! Praying all STAYS well.

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  8. It's hard for me to be positive too....and why I started my blog too. To be frank, raw, open, and honest. I love your last phrase "embrace the good luck moments"!

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Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)