I really have nothing to say today.
Later I go for my second chemo treatment. Last time I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. This time I'm nervous because I know exactly what to expect.Ha ha! =)
If it's anything like last time, I'll probably be pretty silent for about a week. We'll see. Secretly I'm hoping that it goes much smoother this time. Like my body will have completely adjusted to chemo and there won't be any side effects at all. Hey, a girl can dream, can't she? ;-)
The plus side here is the first round of treatment is 4 doses. So after today I will be half-way through. We'll pretend for a moment that there isn't a second round of treatment to follow. Because I'm just taking it one step at a time.
Anyway, that's all. Hope all of you have a great 4th of July if I don't get to talk to you before! =)
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wig Shopping
Yesterday my lovely mother and I went wig shopping. We each bought a wig. I LOVE the wig she bought - it's perfect for her. She loves the wig I bought. She says it's perfect for me. I bought it on her recommendation.
The truth is I don't think I would have liked any wig they put on my head, even if it was a wig, made with all of my hair and looked exactly like my hair looks right now. Because one of the things I hate the most about all of this, is that I have to lose my hair.
Sometimes I complain about my hair, but I actually mostly like my hair. And I like it long. And I hate that soon (yes soon, the falling out should start around Wednesday and be completely done (if we don't shave it before then which I think we will) within 2 weeks) it will be all gone. Having to go buy a wig is just a reminder that it's coming and coming soon.
I know, I know. Hair grows back. I'm told it often comes back looking nicer than before. But still. I'll be hairless. Blargh.
I think, for me, the biggest reason this bothers me is because it's like a shining beacon to the world wherever I go that I have cancer. Might as well just put it on a shirt and wear it out. Oh, well, I mean besides the awesome shirt my mom gave me for my birthday! LOL!
And really, it's silly for me to think that. I imagine the truth is that it's much like when you are 14 and you are positive the entire world is staring at you, watching your every move, when in truth they are too worried about you staring at them to really be staring at you.
Of course, the hair will grow back, this too shall pass. I have lots of pretty scarves and hats and now a wig (well, okay it still needs to be ordered, and trimmed, but they can't do that until I'm bald) to cover my head just in case my bald head is hideous and we didn't know it because my hair was so lovingly covering it!
And still. I wish I didn't need to get a wig. But this is life. And my hair loss is supposed to be short lived. And right now my hair grows quickly and I'm hoping and praying that doesn't change.
{As a side note I wish I had a picture to show you, but after we left I remembered I never pulled the camera out to take one and I really had intended to! Oh well, it will be here soon and I'll show it off then!}
The truth is I don't think I would have liked any wig they put on my head, even if it was a wig, made with all of my hair and looked exactly like my hair looks right now. Because one of the things I hate the most about all of this, is that I have to lose my hair.
Sometimes I complain about my hair, but I actually mostly like my hair. And I like it long. And I hate that soon (yes soon, the falling out should start around Wednesday and be completely done (if we don't shave it before then which I think we will) within 2 weeks) it will be all gone. Having to go buy a wig is just a reminder that it's coming and coming soon.
I know, I know. Hair grows back. I'm told it often comes back looking nicer than before. But still. I'll be hairless. Blargh.
I think, for me, the biggest reason this bothers me is because it's like a shining beacon to the world wherever I go that I have cancer. Might as well just put it on a shirt and wear it out. Oh, well, I mean besides the awesome shirt my mom gave me for my birthday! LOL!
And really, it's silly for me to think that. I imagine the truth is that it's much like when you are 14 and you are positive the entire world is staring at you, watching your every move, when in truth they are too worried about you staring at them to really be staring at you.
Of course, the hair will grow back, this too shall pass. I have lots of pretty scarves and hats and now a wig (well, okay it still needs to be ordered, and trimmed, but they can't do that until I'm bald) to cover my head just in case my bald head is hideous and we didn't know it because my hair was so lovingly covering it!
And still. I wish I didn't need to get a wig. But this is life. And my hair loss is supposed to be short lived. And right now my hair grows quickly and I'm hoping and praying that doesn't change.
{As a side note I wish I had a picture to show you, but after we left I remembered I never pulled the camera out to take one and I really had intended to! Oh well, it will be here soon and I'll show it off then!}
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The good, the bad, the ugly ...
I've been through all of it recently. I know, I know, not surprising.
I haven't talked too much about the bad days though. Mostly because when I'm having a bad day, the last thing I want to do is sit up, stare at a computer screen and type. And that's probably a good thing. Because I'm pretty sure if I did post on those days, it would leave more than a few of you worried.
But the truth is I've had some really bad days. Usually, and thankfully, not really bad days, more like moments. Moments where I'm so angry and pissed off and just can't stop thinking that it's not fair. Because the truth is, it's not fair. It's not fair for anyone to go through this. And yet here I am. Smack in the middle of going through it.
And some moments I'm just sad and weepy and I just can't stop crying.
And some moments I'm all of it wrapped up into one package: angry, sad, mad, having the why me thoughts, thinking it's not fair, and just bawling my eyes out.
I can write about it now because I've had a couple really good days. Which leaves me hopeful ... chemo will be about a week of hell, and then things get better.
Of course there will still be bad days. And there will still be moments where I just can't wrap my mind around all that is happening and stop thinking about how incredibly unfair it all feels.
I'm sharing this because I have a tendency to gloss over the bad stuff around here. I like it that way. But at the same time I'm trying to be honest about everything that is going on. Or maybe I just needed to let it out. I don't know. But there it is.
I haven't talked too much about the bad days though. Mostly because when I'm having a bad day, the last thing I want to do is sit up, stare at a computer screen and type. And that's probably a good thing. Because I'm pretty sure if I did post on those days, it would leave more than a few of you worried.
But the truth is I've had some really bad days. Usually, and thankfully, not really bad days, more like moments. Moments where I'm so angry and pissed off and just can't stop thinking that it's not fair. Because the truth is, it's not fair. It's not fair for anyone to go through this. And yet here I am. Smack in the middle of going through it.
And some moments I'm just sad and weepy and I just can't stop crying.
And some moments I'm all of it wrapped up into one package: angry, sad, mad, having the why me thoughts, thinking it's not fair, and just bawling my eyes out.
I can write about it now because I've had a couple really good days. Which leaves me hopeful ... chemo will be about a week of hell, and then things get better.
Of course there will still be bad days. And there will still be moments where I just can't wrap my mind around all that is happening and stop thinking about how incredibly unfair it all feels.
I'm sharing this because I have a tendency to gloss over the bad stuff around here. I like it that way. But at the same time I'm trying to be honest about everything that is going on. Or maybe I just needed to let it out. I don't know. But there it is.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Down for the count
Yesterday I had a very important doctor's appointment. It was for the big blood draw - just to show how low my blood counts would go with the chemo regiment. (Apparently yesterday should be in theory the lowest it drops and hopefully counts are already climbing as I type away).
Well, apparently my chemo is very good. Because my white blood cell counts are super un-fabulously low. Some parts are so low they are non-existant - for those wondering my granulocytes are one of those which is apparently really bad as it leaves me wide open to possible infection/illness/etc.
Awesome. And by awesome I mean totally not awesome. I am now supposed to avoid crowds, sick people, fresh fruits and veggies (and fresh fruit is one of the few things I can tolerate these days in what is fast becoming a very very picky stomach).
Today however is supposed to be my lowest of lowest days (which is why I had to have the all important blood test today). And as I said a few sentences ago, hopefully numbers are already on the rise. But in the meantime the number one job is now to keep me healthy. And to get those counts higher (not that I can do anything about that one though).
I can't lie though. I'm nervous that after every treatment things will drop this low. I'm really hoping though it dropped so low because it was the first treatment and it just sent my body into shock and things will be better next time.
Also, today I sneezed more times than I've ever sneezed in one day for a really long time. By that I mean, you know, a whole 4 times. But every sneeze makes me anxious. One of the kids coughed today. I wondered if I should find a place for them to spend the night, just in case. Which is strange because in general I'm not a germaphobe or even usually slightly worried about stuff like that. I mean, sometimes I have hand sanitizer with me. So I guess I need to change that and always have some with me.
It's not a complete surprise, but at the same time, to drop so low. Really? I mean really? It couldn't have dropped just sort of low? But no. I guess when I do something, I really do it. It's how the whole process has been hasn't it? I haven't gone through one step of this (or at least it feels to me) without being kind of on the extreme side of things. So I guess I should just know by now, this is par for my course.
But. So if you know, you sneeze or cough around me and I jump back or avoid touching you at all, please don't take it personally! I swear it's not you, it really is me! =)
Well, apparently my chemo is very good. Because my white blood cell counts are super un-fabulously low. Some parts are so low they are non-existant - for those wondering my granulocytes are one of those which is apparently really bad as it leaves me wide open to possible infection/illness/etc.
Awesome. And by awesome I mean totally not awesome. I am now supposed to avoid crowds, sick people, fresh fruits and veggies (and fresh fruit is one of the few things I can tolerate these days in what is fast becoming a very very picky stomach).
Today however is supposed to be my lowest of lowest days (which is why I had to have the all important blood test today). And as I said a few sentences ago, hopefully numbers are already on the rise. But in the meantime the number one job is now to keep me healthy. And to get those counts higher (not that I can do anything about that one though).
I can't lie though. I'm nervous that after every treatment things will drop this low. I'm really hoping though it dropped so low because it was the first treatment and it just sent my body into shock and things will be better next time.
Also, today I sneezed more times than I've ever sneezed in one day for a really long time. By that I mean, you know, a whole 4 times. But every sneeze makes me anxious. One of the kids coughed today. I wondered if I should find a place for them to spend the night, just in case. Which is strange because in general I'm not a germaphobe or even usually slightly worried about stuff like that. I mean, sometimes I have hand sanitizer with me. So I guess I need to change that and always have some with me.
It's not a complete surprise, but at the same time, to drop so low. Really? I mean really? It couldn't have dropped just sort of low? But no. I guess when I do something, I really do it. It's how the whole process has been hasn't it? I haven't gone through one step of this (or at least it feels to me) without being kind of on the extreme side of things. So I guess I should just know by now, this is par for my course.
But. So if you know, you sneeze or cough around me and I jump back or avoid touching you at all, please don't take it personally! I swear it's not you, it really is me! =)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
How are you doing?
No, really, how are you doing? I want to know. I know that some of you are having trouble answering this question for me lately, so I thought I would send you some encouragement.
I think what is happening is this: I ask "How are you doing?" and in your head you think about all the things you could tell me about and then you ask yourself but is this more important than cancer? And then you (wrongly) assume the answer is no and so you don't tell me all the things you could tell me. Instead you say "Oh, nothing. But how are you doing?" And then I get to have another conversation talking all about me.
So let me help you out. Here's is what you should think when I ask you how you are doing ... you need to ask yourself "Am I more important than cancer?" And the answer, my dear friends and family is a resounding YES! Yes you are! Cancer has not affected my heart or my brain. And YOU are much more important to me. And so therefor you should start to tell me all the things going on your life like you would have told me 2 months ago - talk about the kids, the job, the weather, the spouse, the boyfriend, your favorite tv show, that great book you just read - talk to me about all of it!
I get it, it feels awkward at first. Truthfully if the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing in my head - thinking I couldn't possibly bore you with details of my kids latest softball triumph when you have such a major huge thing going on in your life. But here's a secret: you aren't boring me. And also, I get a little tired of talking about myself all the time. I mean I know it sounds fun, for about the first 52 seconds. And then it gets old and boring because conversations can only happen if both people participate.
That's not to say there will be days when I'm just too tired to talk. Or there will be days where you ask me what's going on and I will just unleash a thousand thoughts all at once without even pausing to take a break. But still, please talk to me. It makes me smile and makes me happy. And I love and care about all of you just as much as you love and care about me =)
I think what is happening is this: I ask "How are you doing?" and in your head you think about all the things you could tell me about and then you ask yourself but is this more important than cancer? And then you (wrongly) assume the answer is no and so you don't tell me all the things you could tell me. Instead you say "Oh, nothing. But how are you doing?" And then I get to have another conversation talking all about me.
So let me help you out. Here's is what you should think when I ask you how you are doing ... you need to ask yourself "Am I more important than cancer?" And the answer, my dear friends and family is a resounding YES! Yes you are! Cancer has not affected my heart or my brain. And YOU are much more important to me. And so therefor you should start to tell me all the things going on your life like you would have told me 2 months ago - talk about the kids, the job, the weather, the spouse, the boyfriend, your favorite tv show, that great book you just read - talk to me about all of it!
I get it, it feels awkward at first. Truthfully if the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing in my head - thinking I couldn't possibly bore you with details of my kids latest softball triumph when you have such a major huge thing going on in your life. But here's a secret: you aren't boring me. And also, I get a little tired of talking about myself all the time. I mean I know it sounds fun, for about the first 52 seconds. And then it gets old and boring because conversations can only happen if both people participate.
That's not to say there will be days when I'm just too tired to talk. Or there will be days where you ask me what's going on and I will just unleash a thousand thoughts all at once without even pausing to take a break. But still, please talk to me. It makes me smile and makes me happy. And I love and care about all of you just as much as you love and care about me =)
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