Friday, January 10, 2014

Falling Down

Christmas is over. New Year's is over. The holidays have passed and it's time to return to "the real world" - as if somehow spending time with your family celebrating the old year, the new year, religious holidays, traditions old and new, is not a part of the real world (which, is a depressing thought in itself).

And so here we are. Time to fall down. Down into a huge pit, a dark hole. I'm ornery, anxious, jumpy. Sleep is hard to find, but once I get into bed it's so darn hard to get out of it. I don't have a lot of desire to do anything.

What? Did you think I popped out of bed and began being productive? Cleaning in between educating the kids, playing games with them, cooking healthy food, laughing lots and waiting anxiously for husband to return home from work before sitting down to a lovely family meal. Then end my day peacefully with a bit of crafting before climbing into to bed to cuddle with the husband and spend a few minutes reading a book before nodding off to peaceful slumber?

Well, okay, people who really know know that that isn't how my day goes. I've never lied about this. But sometimes, I think people really think this is my life.

In truth some days I get a lot a done, some days I get next to nothing done. Sometimes I don't even grade my children's schoolwork (I simply write an ok at the top and put it in the to-be-filed pile. Not the important stuff though. And no, I don't think everything I make them do is equally important). Sometimes I cook. Sometimes I reheat leftovers. Sometimes I tell them to have a bowl of cereal (but only if husband isn't coming home for dinner because I have to draw that line somewhere).

Some days I feel really sad. Like deep down to the core sad.

Most days I don't feel good enough. Not good enough to be a wife. Not good enough to be a mother. Not good enough to be a friend. Not good enough for anything. I can't imagine how people could like me, let alone love me. I can't imagine people wanting to spend time with me.

And yes, people who are (well, were) close to me have told me "You're so difficult to get along with," "you can be quite bitchy sometimes," etc.

Well, sometimes I am. I know that. I don't claim to be perfect. But it still hurts to hear it said to me, so flippantly, like I'm lucky those people will even bother to talk to me given how difficult I am.

This all combines with the social anxiety I have. I know, some might be shocked to hear this. I overcompensate for it a lot (and usually end up then being too loud and talking too much because I'm trying to hide the fact that just talking to people sometimes makes me wants to throw up).

I'm pretty positive at the end of most nights around people that I've said the dumbest thing at the party, been the most annoying at the gathering, and probably should just not even leave my house.

Which is interesting because I also love to talk to people. Mostly one-on-one. That's not so scary. Unless I'm a complete idiot. And the other person can't help fill in my awkward pauses in which I'm trying desperately to think of something to say that isn't the most idiotic thing to come out of a human being's mouth ever so I stand there. Silent. My brain racing. Frozen.

Fun times I tell you. Fun times.

 Wait. Where was I? Oh yeah. Me. In a hole. A dark deep hole. In which I feel utterly useless and a waste of space.

{Here's where I interject, before someone reads too deeply in this, I'm not laying in bed all day. And I'm not, you know, suicidal or anything. I say this because sometimes tone on the internet can't be heard and once before I posted I was sad and someone called me worried. Which I appreciate the caring.}

But my goodness. I'm trying to so hard to get out. It's just not that simple, not for me anyway. I'm feeling anxious about changes coming later in the year, which doesn't help. I also ran out of one of my supplements (magnesium). I just started it in November and I think since running out, it was helping me a lot more than I was giving it credit. A new bottle is on the way, but I had to order it on-line and the bad weather is delaying it some (plus I waited too long to get it). Also, I may need to retrain my brain on what is realistic expectations of myself. And I'm tired. Which makes everything feel worse.

Basically, I'm in a perfect storm of feeling pretty darn blah.

Sigh. There it is. I'm not really looking for answers, or pity for that matter, just. This is real life. This is my real life - the days in which I'm feeling pretty good and upbeat and am baking a million cookies, and the days in which I feel stuck, down, worn out.

1 comment:

  1. Babe - you are sooo one of my heroes. You have 3 kids, a hubby and you are a cancer survivor. Your fitbit makes me look like I forgot to put mine on for the day. I have a laid off hubby, 3 cats, and gardens. Yea I just got diagnosed with fibro and MS and my sis now has stage 4 cancer again. Today hurts - like standing makes me want to cry and I'm so far behind in everything I'm not sure I'll ever catch up and you know what? You made food, you taught school, you made your family better. You achieved today and walked like 7 miles to boot. I managed a shower and the bare basic daily chores - You ROCK!!!!


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