Ahem

So. Today. Today I'm get to go to the hospital for a small procedure, one I'm happy to be getting done (not that I am happy about the situation that put me here).

But alas, today, I will have nipples added to my foobs.

I debated talking about it. It is awkward to say the least. I imagine half of you are cringing right now.

Nipples. Nipples. Nipples.

There, I just thought I'd throw that out there several times to maybe make it less awkward. Or maybe I only made it more awkward. The beauty of blogging - I can't see your face right now. So even if this is making you cringe beyond belief, I can't see it. {Fear not though, I'm cringing a bit over here too).

I remember two summers ago I mentioned, in a casual conversation, that my super hero nickname should be "Brandie, the nippleless wonder." It was my way of joking about it, taking the pressure off of it.

At that point, I had expanders in but was still struggling with the loss of my breasts. I was in chemo, bald, with these weird expanders that were sort of the shape of breasts, but not really. I hated seeing myself naked. I hated looking down, to those ill-shaped foobs, huge scar line and no nipple. I think the no nipple was the worst part. I hated it. I still hate it. It just looks wrong.

So I joked about it, to help me. I will never forget the look on a few people's faces. (And I don't blame them. I shouldn't have said it, but at the time the line between appropriate and inappropriate was pretty blurry).

"Um, wait, you don't have nipples?" 

Oh. Um. No. No nipples. No areola. No real breast tissue left.

Alright. It's not something I thought about either until I was in that spot. I didn't think much about nipples, aside from when I was nursing my babies. I didn't know that during mastectomies nipples can also be taken. Or sometimes left.

Probably because we don't much talk about nipples.

So here you go. Nipples.

I hate not having them. Tomorrow, my plastic surgeon is going to give me some. Though, small ones. Yes, I specifically discussed with him how I didn't want them to be too big and I didn't want to do this if it meant they were going to be obvious to the world.

I still won't have areolas. That will come later. A tattoo artist will hopefully give me some lovely ones after I have healed from this procedure. Then, reconstruction will be 100% complete for me.

{side note: not everyone who does reconstruction has nipples and/or areolas done. Which is great for those who don't want to do it. I happen to be in the want to do it camp, so I am. But, there is no right or wrong way to do (or not do) reconstruction.}

I hope it's not too painful. I won't be put under, just some local anesthesia. My husband is taking me. And I've avoided doing as much as possible for the next 2-3 days just in case it hurts, or it's tender, or whatever. Though, poor husband is taking me downtown Thursday night. It's a Christmas present. He bought tickets before this was scheduled. I think I'll be fine, but if I'm wearing a huge chunky sweater, it might be to hide any swelling or something !

So, here's to getting nipples. And now it's time to think of a more permanent superhero name ;-) Please feel free to leave suggestions for me!