Today's post comes from my cousin Amanda. I will warn you, when I first read her post I bawled like a baby. Truly. While I can guess what it felt like to be someone watching me go through this, I don't actually know. And this post was my first glimpse of what the other side of my cancer diagnosis felt like.
Amanda is the mom to two adorable boys and is not only working, but going through nursing school. If anyone can do it, it's her! Thanks Amanda for sharing with us and for letting me see through your eyes.
|Amanda and I at her wedding|
I couldn’t bring myself to call her because it broke my heart and the thought of losing her was too much to bear. It finally got to the point where if I didn’t call, she might think I didn’t care. I dialed her number and prayed she wouldn’t answer so I could just say my planned out thought without a breakdown to her voicemail. But there it was her voice, ‘hello!’ It was over for me before I could get started-I cried, broke down on the phone. Over the next half hour, hour, I cried, asked questions, cried, tried to listen to her talk and explain, and then cried some more. I could barely get two words out without losing it, because I hated that this was happening to her and I would have done anything to take it away. When we hung up, I felt terrible. I should have been strong and comforted her but instead she was the one being strong and comforting me.
Over the next few days I couldn’t shake the feeling of loss I was already feeling. I had death and cancer so intertwined, as if one could be substituted for the other. I broke down several times, it hurt so bad to even think about her. I thought the same thing was going to happen to her that had happened to another loved one in my family who had cancer. I thought for sure she would pass away and I started preparing my heart for the loss I would eventually have to face.
|Amanda and my now 11yo|
Thankfully, that is not what happened to her. She was able to have surgeries, medicine, and therapies and as of right now is living, ‘cancer free.’ I make this sound much easier than it was for her, it was a long process and the fight continues every day. But she is ALIVE and that is something to be very happy about!