Family

Today's post comes from my cousin Amanda. I will warn you, when I first read her post I bawled like a baby. Truly. While I can guess what it felt like to be someone watching me go through this, I don't actually know. And this post was my first glimpse of what the other side of my cancer diagnosis felt like.

Amanda is the mom to two adorable boys and is not only working, but going through nursing school. If anyone can do it, it's her! Thanks Amanda for sharing with us and for letting me see through your eyes.

Amanda and I at her wedding

I remember it like yesterday; I was at my parent’s home when my mother and father told me a loved one had cancer, breast cancer. I waited until I got to my car to lose it and ball my eyes out. I couldn’t believe it. I loved her, looked up to her, admired her, and wanted to be just like her in so many ways. Growing up, she was perfect in my book-pretty, smart, and funny. I watched her and her friends practice their cheers for cheerleading in her basement and I wanted to do it too because she was so cool and I wanted to be cool like her too. Then as we grew older, she had the most wonderful family and three of the most beautiful children. I wanted a life like that too. She is a great Mom and wife. How could she have cancer?

I couldn’t bring myself to call her because it broke my heart and the thought of losing her was too much to bear. It finally got to the point where if I didn’t call, she might think I didn’t care. I dialed her number and prayed she wouldn’t answer so I could just say my planned out thought without a breakdown to her voicemail. But there it was her voice, ‘hello!’ It was over for me before I could get started-I cried, broke down on the phone. Over the next half hour, hour, I cried, asked questions, cried, tried to listen to her talk and explain, and then cried some more. I could barely get two words out without losing it, because I hated that this was happening to her and I would have done anything to take it away. When we hung up, I felt terrible. I should have been strong and comforted her but instead she was the one being strong and comforting me.

Over the next few days I couldn’t shake the feeling of loss I was already feeling. I had death and cancer so intertwined, as if one could be substituted for the other. I broke down several times, it hurt so bad to even think about her. I thought the same thing was going to happen to her that had happened to another loved one in my family who had cancer. I thought for sure she would pass away and I started preparing my heart for the loss I would eventually have to face.

Amanda and my now 11yo

I read every update, status post, and blog entry; just waiting for new news of her condition. I prayed continually for healing and for every hurt to be relieved. I felt like I was hurting right alongside of her when she went through her surgeries and recoveries. I cried each time a new medicine had unwanted side effects and she ended up back in the hospital. My heart ached when she would get sick and her updates were simply she was having a rough day. I know it was far worse for her, but I know it affected so many friends and family to watch her go through all this pain. Seeing her in person was even more difficult, she was so thin, frail, and pale. Her hair was gone and it reminded me of the loved one that had lost their battle with cancer, I was afraid the same would happen to her soon.

Thankfully, that is not what happened to her. She was able to have surgeries, medicine, and therapies and as of right now is living, ‘cancer free.’ I make this sound much easier than it was for her, it was a long process and the fight continues every day. But she is ALIVE and that is something to be very happy about!