Whirlwind

crocheting at the hospital to calm the nerves

I haven't been myself lately.

I'm still missing Hilarie. But aside from that, I've spent the last two weeks thinking I had cancer again.

It's exhausting to feel that weight on my shoulders. I was terrified. I kept thinking about how I was going to tell my kids, the rest of my family, my friends. I wondered what sort of treatment I'd have to endure. I fretted about whether it was a secondary cancer or a metastasis of the breast cancer.

April 1 I had an ultrasound. The tech can't say much, but she said enough that I walked out worried. Well, let's be honest, I walked in worried. We were checking a nodule on my thyroid.

A few days later, my doctor called with the results. My doctor. Called. Usually his nurse calls. The second I heard his voice on the phone, I knew we weren't just looking at little cyst that didn't need to be worried about. Nope. It was time to move to a biopsy. A freaking biopsy. That the doctor put a rush order on.

So Wednesday I went in for the biopsy. We did it through the hospital, so it wasn't my doctor who did it. That said, the doctor who did it was great. I was a basket case - anxiety so high that it was just oozing off of me. The doctor told me, though he couldn't officially say anything, that he felt it would come back benign. I walked out feeling okay.

But yesterday I had to go meet with an endocrinologist and I knew he would have the official results. Queue anxiety reaching epic proportions again. I didn't realize just how nervous I still was until I was shaking in his office. And he confirmed what the doctor earlier in the week couldn't officially say - the biopsy was benign. Can we say, hello new favorite doctor who got to tell me I didn't have cancer? LOL!

Phew. It's been a long two weeks. I'm feeling so relieved right now. We need to keep an eye on my thyroid. Some blood tests were done with results next week. It's all minor. And not anything to fret about anymore. A weight off my shoulders.

Happy weekend everyone.

Walking

Today I walked.

6 miles. I walked partly along a path I had never walked before. The sun was shining, warming my skin. I actually took my jacket off.

The sky was blue. Clear blue. Like on a summer day with hardly a cloud in it.

Birds were chirping their merry tunes. Although they were quite camera shy. I tried to snap several pictures but as soon as it they sensed I might even be thinking of getting close, they would fly away and sing from another spot.

Flowers were starting to bloom. Stems peeking up from the dirt. The grass shifting from brown to green.

It was truly, a beautiful day. Beauty was all around me. And I thought how weird it is that we live in a world with such beauty, and yet such heart break. So much wonder, and yet so much pain. Pretty things, pleasing to the eye to see, soothing to the soul to hear. And yet, so much ugliness.

I suppose the beauty is there to offset the ugly. It does - but not always enough.

Yet there is comfort in still being able to see the beauty. I'm going to try to hold onto it this week. It's going to be a long week. I will do my best to pass the time with my crochet, with my walking, and spending time with my family. And if the sun could stick around for a bit, that would be lovely.

Crocheting

I've been crocheting a lot lately. Crocheting, like knitting, helps calm me.

I can't lie friends. It's been a stressful couple of weeks. All of which culminated today when I learned a friend passed away suddenly.

Hilarie. A wife. A mom of three. She was happy and upbeat. She loved her family. She loved her life. She always had a kind word and a hug to give when I needed it. Though, we never did hug in person. Hilarie and I met on the internet over 10 years. We were part of an AOL Board for moms due in September of 2002. We bonded so much, we as a group have been through other tragedies unfortunately. {This includes my cancer diagnosis, when the wonderful group of women rallied around me in amazing ways.} Somehow, even when AOL decided to shut it's group board's down, we managed to stay together. It's amazing. 40-some women, most of who haven't met in person, and yet such a part of my soul, of the mother I am today, of the person I am today. Truly.

And yesterday, Hilarie unexpectedly passed away. My heart is broken in more pieces than I can say. I am sad. I am angry. I am shocked by this news. My heart aches for the family who loved her, for the friends who will miss her smile and upbeat personality. It is all so unbelievable unfair.

So today I've cried a lot. I said fuck more times than I should. I asked for hugs and shoulders to cry on. And I crocheted.

I know. I know. It may sound silly. But I crocheted. And as the yarn passes between my fingers, and I wrap it around the hook, I realize it is more than yarn. It is a life-line. It is a life-line for me. Because I'm not that strong. What I want to do is climb into bed, throw the covers over my head and not climb back out until a date much farther down the road. So instead, I cut myself some slack, I lay down for a little bit, but I get out of bed again. And I crochet. And I will think of Hilarie and her family and her precious children.

Blink!

Blink! March is almost over.

I can't believe it. Where has the time gone?

We've been busy. Basketball season is just coming to an end. There are swim lessons and dance classes, and beginning to prepare for baseball/softball season. There's school work to be done. There's school work to accomplish, books to read, chores to do.

I've been walking. The goal is to walk at least a mile a day. I, however, do not always meet this goal. But, so far this month I have walked 21.25 miles, which averages to a mile a day. I think it's good. I need to get my strength and stamina back up. Plus, I have this little avon walk coming in May. And by little I mean 39.9 miles in 2 days!

I've also been watching too much television (well, usually netflix). And getting headaches. Daily. It's a hormonal thing - which means my mood has been, um, well, let's just say less than bubbly. Yes, you should feel sorry for my family who has to live with me during these mood swings. But, I try to remember to breath and relax and they are full of more grace than I deserve.

I've been doing some crafting. I started a super-secret project that I promise to show you, when I can. But for now, it's super secret! And I started working on a crochet blanket - more granny squares! The last (and first) granny square blanket I made I loved so much that I needed to make another.



I like working on this because it feels manageable. I have a goal of one square a day, which is doable.

In the midst of all of this, some doors in my life have closed. Not in a bad or drama-filled or negative way. That's just how life works, right? Everything has a season and all that jazz. But some new doors may be opening - things are all in planning stages right now. Some might not end up working out, but either way, there will be some great things coming down the pipeline! I know, it's all so vague, isn't it? I don't mean to be vague. I just have this irrational fear that if I talk about too much before everything is concrete, I will jinx it. But seriously, I'm pretty sure if nothing else I've shown you that I'm not rational ;-)

And oh, did you notice the blog's new look (again)? Yup. I've been working on that too. I did the design myself! It's not perfect or even totally awesome, but it's all mine and I love it, so I hope you do too (and ahem, if you don't like it, you are not allowed to tell me since I did it myself! LOL!)

Well, I think that about covers things here! Hope you are all well and having a good March!

xoxoxo

Happy, um, Valentine's Day

I know it's March now, and I'm a little late on this, but, for Valentine's Day we had some fun with photography!

I printed out some photo booth props, put the camera on a tripod, and got the remote shutter. Then I let anyone who wanted to, to take pictures. The kids had a blast with it and they ended up with some pretty cute pictures!



I heard lots of giggles and laughter as the kids took pictures. I mostly stayed out of the way so they could have complete "freedom."



We kept the set-up for a few days so they could play with it as they wanted to.






Alright, alright, I played around with it too! What can I say, it was fun!



I have already been asked if we can do something for St. Patrick's day. It's definitely on my to-do list!