Frenemy

"Frenemy" (alternately spelled "frienemy") is a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" that can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitor and rival.[1] The term is used to describe personal, geopolitical, and commercial relationships both among individuals and groups or institutions. The word has appeared in print as early as 1953.
~from Wikipedia

I now have my first official frenemy. It's not pretty. I didn't want it to come to this. I wanted dearly to just be friends. Not even best friends, I mean, it's not like I wanted to go skipping off under a rainbow holding hands or anything like that. Just friends would have been okay.

But no, it just couldn't work that way. So here I am. With my first frenemy. My frenemy's name ... chemotherapy.

Yep. I had my first treatment last Wednesday. They warned my it would be rough. The doctor told me it would be hard. I didn't listen. I thought for sure I'd rise above it. I'd breeze through it. No big deal. Wrong.

It could have been worse. And I'm holding that thought dear in my heart right now. It could have been so much worse than it was. Other people have suffered so much worse than I did. But. Still. It sucked and I felt like crap. There's just no way around it. And it hit fast - much faster than I anticipated - not even 6 hours after treatment.

Things are still lingering - mostly nausea, headache, general achy-ness, just feeling crappy in general, not really being able to sleep. Also, I'm so amazingly dry - I drink and drink and drink, but I'm still so dry.

Again, I realize these symptoms could be so much worse. And I'm trying to keep that in perspective. But I can't lie - many tears were shed by me, many meds to offset the side effects of chemo were taken. {Thankfully one of them made me very sleepy and so a lot of sleeping also happened}.

But one round down. Three more in this treatment cycle to go. I'm a quarter of the way there. And I'm praying the next 7 weeks fly by!

As a side note, the nurses all LOVED my hair. So at least I had awesome hair - bright and colorful. It's kind of hard to walk by the mirror and not smile about the pink and purple hair ;-)

For those who are curious, the two drugs I'm currently receiving are this one and this one.

My hair on my terms .....

So later today I will go in for my first round of chemotherapy. I admit, I'm nervous about the side effects. I know they will try to prevent as many as they can - but I also know that I don't often respond to medicine as it's always predicted. So there is a small fear I will come home and be nauseous, uncomfortable, have other stomach trouble, etc, etc.

But the truth is that I'm most terrified of losing my hair. My hair. I actually kind of like my hair. No, I really do love my hair. And in about 2-4 weeks it will all be falling out. And I absolutely hate the idea of my hair falling out. Also, it will probably be messy or something like that and just annoying and oh, did I mention I really hate that my hair will be falling out. Because, yeah. I don't want to lose my hair. And if I could prevent it, I would. In a heartbeat.

So with that in mind, I decided I'm losing my hair on my own terms. And as long as my hair is coming out, I'm going to have fun with it. Because, well, mostly because I can! So last night, I took the proverbial bull by the horn and decided I would be in charge of my hair during this time ... not cancer.

Enter Samantha - a lovely girl who came to my mom's to do my hair


And first we bleached my hair

which seems totally shocking - well at least to me.

But we weren't done there.


And all of that together, allows me to look like this:




Seriously, I'm in love with my hair. I'm so absolutely in love with my hair. I can't believe I've never done anything like that before in my life {Until now, I had highlights put in about 12 years ago and until now that's it!}.

So there you go. Cancer is NOT going to be in charge of my hair. It's MY hair. And I'm in charge of it.

Of course, up next in the hair department will be a complete head shaving. I'm thinking maybe a mohawk for a day or so. I mean, I've never had a mohawk (other than when I was like 7 years old and did it with too much shampoo in the bathtub). We'll see. I have a couple weeks to decide. But don't worry, I'll keep you all posted ;-)

Temporary Room ...

So, while I was in the hospital, I believe my husband talked about we weren't sure where I'd be sleeping when I got home.
The problem was that our bed was sitting on the floor. And it wasn't against a wall so I couldn't stack pillows very well without them all falling off the back.
So, my lovely husband turned our dining room (which by the way is the only place we have a table to eat at in our house) into a bedroom for me. We took the 11yo's bed down and she slept in a tent. {I might add here the tent - it was super fun for a few days and then she was anxious to get her bed back!}.

Anyway, as of last night I am back in our bed. We bought a frame and moved the bed so I can pile on the pillows. But I wanted to show off all the hard work my husband did for me.

First, as you can see, pillow stacking was very very necessary:


Remember my arms were pretty much useless when I came home, so I couldn't push myself up. So I compensated by sleeping at an angle I could successfully use my stomach muscles to sit all the way up LOL!
{Note: the teddy bear came from husband's work and I love her! The DVD player is where I watched many many episodes of Gilmore Girls. And also, it's hard to see but there is a blue and pink pillow hiding that is designed for after mastectomy surgery and they work. So well in fact that when I am feeling much better I will be making some to donate in a pay it forward kind of thing}

The other half of the bed:


So, the green/pink blanket is a prayer blanket from grannie's church. That I love. You can see my shirts we so elequently "hung" on the chair. All my scarves (here's where I admit before all of this I owned one. Just one. It's true!) And I loved being able to look at the kids art work! =)

A chair to sit in:

This is kind of across from the bed. The black curtain behind it was hanging in the doorway to the kitchen. Which doesn't really have a door and is just an opening. So it was nice to be able to block it. He bought a rod and a curtain to put there. Which I loved. Also, that is our cat Marcy. And she spent much time either in that chair or laying with me. It was kind of cute. She doesn't generally sleep with me. I'd like to imagine that she knew I was healing and trying to give me some extra love.


The shot from the front room. Again, the curtain was new and bought just for me. So I could have a bit or privacy.

In general, it was a lovely room. And it was much needed. But I can't lie. I'm glad to be back in my bedroom, in my bed, laying next to my husband. Although, as long as I'm being honest here, I did not in fact miss his snoring! ;-)

12 years ....

Friday was my 12 year anniversary. For fun, I thought I'd show you a few pictures from our wedding. Okay, the truth is they are pictures of pictures, so not the best quality, but it's fun to look at them anyway!

My daddy walking me down the aisle


My sweetest and I (and yes, I do think we look like children. I didn't always think so, but this year it really feels like it!)


Total bliss:


We've had an awesome 12 years together. I plan to have many many more awesome years with him. And just to make this take forever to load, I'm just going to add a bunch of photos of us. Although, most are recent (thanks to digital photography!)

Him holding our middle and oldest as babies, and our first family photo after baby number 2!

The day I graduated from college:


Going somewhere fancy (but I have no idea where LOL!)


At a (very very very very cold) Bears game. In fact, the game that got them to the superbowl last time they went.


In front of the Sears Tower, just days before it was renamed Willis Tower. (nope, it will always be Sears Tower to me!)


On vacation in New Hampshire:


Leaf fight!


First photo as a family of 5:



At my cousin's wedding:


For a friend's wedding:


Middle girl's birthday:



Anyway, it's been a great 12 years.

I'm around ...

I'm here and I'm around.

Overall I'm doing pretty well. I just tire so easily. And there are still a million doctors appointments to juggle.

Last week was another big appointment - I met with the oncologist. Not only was a big appointment but a long one - I was there for 2.5 hours and there was very little waiting time!
First let me tell you, my oncologist seriously is amazingly sweet and gentle and kind. He looks like a sweet grandfather (in fact he's retiring in 4 months).

We did a lot of talking. I'll spare you all the details and just give you the "good" stuff. (also, I was given a lot of info, so there's a chance I might amend some of this later)

So, there will be 16 weeks total of chemotherapy. It will happen it two 8 week phases. The first 8 weeks I will go every other week. Each treatment will be about 2 1/2 hours. During this time I will be receiving the 2 strongest chemotherapy drugs on the market. The doctor warned me that this will be rough. They can help with lots of side effects, but the fatigue I've been warned will be intense. Also hair loss will begin after the second treatment. (in preparation for that I'm thinking of dying my hair crazy cause why not?)

The second 8 weeks will consist of two other drugs that will apparently feel like a walk in the park compared to the first two! The second two can't be given at the same time so for that period I will go every week, but get the medicine alternating. The one medicine will take 5 1/2 hours! (why yes, you can come visit me, bring me food, etc!!) the second medicine is (thankfully) 30 minutes. This medicine - called herceptin - I'll continue to get every 3 weeks for 1 year after the 8 weeks is up.

Of course all of this is subject to change because this coming week I have 3 important tests I have te have performed: CT scan, bone scan, and a muga test (a heart test). I wish I could study for this to guarantee I could pass. I'm sure I will. But they mean lots of time at the hospital - 90 minutes one day, 5 hours for the other two tests.

Next week I also get my port put in Friday. Which will be another roughly 5 hours. And to top it off, it's my anniversary on Friday. So this year I guess my present to my husband will be to get cancer free! Poor guy. I mean really can he top that? Actually, not true. If you didn't already know, my husband rocks. And he is the most supportive, helpful, loving husband ever. Which is the best gift of all :)

Anyway, that's about all from here for now.