I realized something today. I'm still pretty angry over all that has happened. I still haven't accepted it. In fact, I'm downright pissed.
I feel cheated. I feel like my family is being cheated. I'm still dealing with side effects. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of abnormal blood tests. I'm tired of talking about the next surgery. I'm tired of doctor's appointments and blood draws and of taking medicines that fix one issue but cause other issues. I'm tired of hormones and of hot flashes. I'm tired of having one boob. I'm tired of having no nipples. I'm tired of my husband having to pick up the slack for me around the house. I'm tired of not being able to always do the things I wish I could. I'm tired of the stiff joints. I'm tired of the sore arm. I'm tired of so much lately. And it's making me angry.
I wish I could wake up and discover this has all been in fact a bad nightmare. It's not. I know. And eventually I will accept it and the anger will dissipate, but for now, it's there and it's strong.
The hardest part of all of this is I'm often reluctant to share all of this. Instead I stuff down and then wham, one day I unleash on some unlucky victim. Which isn't fair to that person. I know there are some safe people I can share this stuff with. But I've also learned that there are some people I can't share it with. I get it. People are working through their own stuff and may not have room for mine. Some people only have room for the good, the up-lifting, etc. And often, cancer is romanticized, right?
I mean, frankly, wasn't I supposed to get cancer then use that to show me what's truly important in my life, have a huge life changing epiphany and then go out and do some major good in this world with my new-found knowledge, bringing joy and love to everyone I come in contact with.
Or you know, maybe I'm just barely getting through the day and I'm too damn tired to have any epiphanies right now. Or I might not be feeling particular grateful. Or particularly talkative. Or particularly happy. I may even need to vent a little bit. This is my cross to bear. This is something I need to work through.
And I am trying to work through it. I'm trying to not be all doom and gloom. I don't want to be so angry about it all. But at the same time, I also need to balance that with being true to how I am feeling, even when it's not pleasant.