My dear readers,
I've been keeping a secret from you, from pretty much everyone. Last month I went for my 6 month check-up and the doctor found a lump. It was 3mm. It was on my right chest area. She looked at it with the ultrasound machine but just couldn't tell what it was. She felt it was probably nothing, but, we had a game plan. She knew about my upcoming surgery (the one I just had) and recommended I talk to that surgeon and ask him to just remove whatever it was so we'd know and wouldn't have to worry.
I was terrified. My only experience with having something tested turned out to be cancer. So you can imagine how I was feeling. But. We had a lot of fun things coming up. And I didn't want anyone to worry. And I didn't want to have to tell my children - and I knew, if I shared, I'd have to share with them. And it just didn't make sense to worry anyone, especially with the doctor feeling pretty confident it would turn out to be nothing. So I kept it pretty close to my heart.
And we had a party. And I did a walk. And the kids had softball and baseball. And I was healing. And feeling good. And still, I was nervous. But I knew the lump would be coming out, and soon we would know. And I just wanted to know before telling anyone.
All of this to say, today I got the pathology report and it said "Conclusion: Not malignant" and I almost burst into tears when the doctor told me. Because it meant I could breath again. It meant I could let out a huge sigh of relief. It meant no more worrying. Or wondering. Or thinking about what if.
Now, on one hand, I feel like it should be illegal to get a tumor after having cancer once because in truth how could I not worry? The only other time I had to have something tested, it turned out to be cancer. That is my history. Tumor=cancer. But, the silver lining of this is, now I've had a lump tested that isn't cancer. Not that I ever want to go through this again, at least if I do, I can remember that it's not always cancer. It's not always bad news.
So, I'm sorry I kept the news from you, but I needed to do it for me and for my children. They've been through hell this past year too. And it didn't make sense for me to worry them anymore. I hope you're not too mad at me. And that you can understand.