I'd like to tell you it's all because of the cancer. It would be the perfect scapegoat, but it would be a lie. I've felt this way for a long time. I do think the cancer has made it worse, made me feel like I don't have time to figure it all out.
You know those people who know exactly what they want to do in life and they go after it and love every second? Or the people who stumble into something and then end of loving it and realizing it's their passion?
Yeah. That's not me. I don't know what my passions are. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life.
Right now, I know I am supposed to be mom. But I don't need to be a mom forever. Well, you know what I mean, I will always be a mom and will always be here for my kiddos, but you know the daily things (laundry, cooking, driving to and from, schoolwork, etc) eventually there will be a day when I won't need to do that.
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do then. I have things I like to do ... I like to knit. I like to blog. I like to read. I like to watch tv. (Oh well, I suppose there really isn't a career in watching tv, but that would be nice). I like a lot of things. I really, really like a few things.
I just don't know where to go from here. What my next move should be. I'm still floundering around in the whole getting back to "normal" post cancer. I feel like I was sick and down for so long (and, still not up to 100%). But I'm getting there. And when I think about what's next ... I have NO idea. Not a single one.
I suppose I don't actually need to know what comes next. I should just focus on getting through the now. But sometimes, I feel like I don't know what I should be doing now because I don't know where I want to end up. And so I feel lost. To add to it, I often feel I must be the only person who doesn't know what's next or what my purpose for being on this Earth is.
I hope I find it soon. I'm trying to figure it out. For now, I am going to work on getting my feet firmly planted in today. And start to dream about tomorrow.
What about you? Do you struggle with this? Or do you know where you're headed?
ps - the picture has nothing to do with anything, but I took it a few months ago and just decided to share it. ;-)