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I'd like to tell you it's all because of the cancer. It would be the perfect scapegoat, but it would be a lie. I've felt this way for a long time. I do think the cancer has made it worse, made me feel like I don't have time to figure it all out.
You know those people who know exactly what they want to do in life and they go after it and love every second? Or the people who stumble into something and then end of loving it and realizing it's their passion?
Yeah. That's not me. I don't know what my passions are. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life.
Right now, I know I am supposed to be mom. But I don't need to be a mom forever. Well, you know what I mean, I will always be a mom and will always be here for my kiddos, but you know the daily things (laundry, cooking, driving to and from, schoolwork, etc) eventually there will be a day when I won't need to do that.
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do then. I have things I like to do ... I like to knit. I like to blog. I like to read. I like to watch tv. (Oh well, I suppose there really isn't a career in watching tv, but that would be nice). I like a lot of things. I really, really like a few things.
I just don't know where to go from here. What my next move should be. I'm still floundering around in the whole getting back to "normal" post cancer. I feel like I was sick and down for so long (and, still not up to 100%). But I'm getting there. And when I think about what's next ... I have NO idea. Not a single one.
I suppose I don't actually need to know what comes next. I should just focus on getting through the now. But sometimes, I feel like I don't know what I should be doing now because I don't know where I want to end up. And so I feel lost. To add to it, I often feel I must be the only person who doesn't know what's next or what my purpose for being on this Earth is.
I hope I find it soon. I'm trying to figure it out. For now, I am going to work on getting my feet firmly planted in today. And start to dream about tomorrow.
What about you? Do you struggle with this? Or do you know where you're headed?
ps - the picture has nothing to do with anything, but I took it a few months ago and just decided to share it. ;-)
I wish I knew what to say - what to tell you. Me? I have so many, many things I would love to be doing at this stage of my life, and yet I can do none of them because I still work - even though I do what I LOVE for a living. Photography, painting, writing, biking, repairing bikes, fixing scooters, inventing: all these things occupy a place in my mind and heart - but I can do little but give them lip service.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you this, though - it's what I tell my sons: There are two ways to go through life; with a goal, and without one. Both have pros. Both have cons. But to me, having a goal, a direction - a desire, if you will - helps you make your decisions as you go along, gives you a purpose and helps you feel a sense of accomplishment as you drive closer and closer to your goal. Whatever it is. Wherever it takes you.
xoxox
Show me a person who knows exactly what they want to "do" with their life and I'll show you a person who is lying.
ReplyDeleteNobody knows EXACTLY what they want to do. We all want to be happy, but how? It changes. It changes for everyone, all the time and what makes you happy today may not have made you happy 2 years ago and may not make you happy in a few weeks.
I am a little opposite of Lou. I don't find big goals helpful. I kind of find them daunting. I like to have short term goals and enjoy what happens, but that has taken me a while to achieve and it does NOT Mean that I am Always Happy.
Know that a lot of us love and like you a lot. And that a lot of us have the same issues.
Muwah.