Monday, May 07, 2012

So. Um. Last night

Me, pre-show
So. Where to start? I suppose I should start with this: last night was amazing for me.

I walked into the theater a huge ball of nerves. I walked into that theater full of self-doubt. I walked into that theater feeling completely terrified. I walked into that theater thinking I had no business doing what I was about to do.


I walked out of that theater feeling pretty damn good. I walked out of that theater feeling proud of myself. I walked out of that theater feeling loved and supported. I walked out of that theater feeling absolutely amazing. 

I did it. I got up on that stage. I didn't trip. I didn't freeze up. I read my piece. I remembered to occasionally look up at the audience. In fact, I feel like, for me, I nailed it. (Note: This is not to say that I think I have a future in public speaking or that you can now compare me with greats. But for me? For myself? I nailed it). I just really did it. And it was amazing.

It's hard to describe. But you know when you do something that is absolutely terrifying to you, something you never thought you could do in a million years. And somehow you do it? And you are just so in awe of yourself because you pushed yourself to do that really difficult thing? It was like that.

It's like how I'm terrified of heights. But I sucked it up to go zip-lining in Vegas? And as I was zipping down that line, I felt electrified and terrified but thrilling and exhilarating. And when I got to the end and the guy asked me how it was I just started to ramble that it was super and I was afraid of heights but I loved that zip-lining. And I just finished most of my cancer treatment so I did this to prove to myself I could and I felt great. And he high-fived me and told me his grandma was a cancer survivor and that I was amazing. It was like that last night.

I did it. And it was amazing. (I think I've said that several times already, but really, I did it. And it was amazing. And if I were smarter I'd have a lot of fancy words I could use to say the same thing but make it sound different each time. But I don't. So you're stuck with I did it. And it was amazing.)

Now? I can't imagine not having done it. Isn't it funny how that happens? Yesterday I was positive I shouldn't have done it. And today I'm positive I absolutely should have done it. 

I can't take all the credit though. My fellow cast-mates and directors, were so awesome and supportive. It was no secret I was feeling terrified and anxious about everything. Mostly because I said it over and over. And also, I wear my emotions on my sleeve. You always know how I'm feeling. And they were being awesome and telling me wonderful things pre-show to help me relax and feel better. But? After I spoke. As I walked backstage, there they were. Hugs, high-fives, thumbs-up were given freely and lovingly to me. I can't lie. It was without a doubt my favorite moment of the performance. To think, before the first rehearsal most of these people were strangers to me. And now? I consider them all my friends.

Hubby and I after the show
And we can't forget about the audience, who totally rocked too.  I'm still blown away that there were people who came to the show to support me.

I'm still feeling blown away by the whole thing.

I told my husband on the way home one of my biggest fears heading into the show was that at the end everyone would think She was cute. That was so nice they let her on stage with the big kids. Because my biggest fear was that I did not belong on that stage with my cast mates. But driving home? That fear was gone. I no longer felt like the little kid in the room. Somehow I gained the confidence to know that I did belong up there. And that my dear readers? Is absolutely priceless.

I did it. And it was amazing.

*Both pictures were taken by Tracey 


  1. You had my entire family sniffling and choked up. They all commented to me that you moved them, Brandie. You are not only genuine, but you are a lovely writer. You ARE one of the Big Kids!

  2. We knew you could do it, Brandie. I'm so glad that you stepped out of your comfort zone with us! xoxo

  3. You WERE amazing, and you set the bar for the entire show. Also, you made me cry. You totally belonged up there, Brandie. You fucking nailed it. :)

  4. You were first up. First to go out there and face the audience. You set the pace, the tone, the expectations, for all of us. You had a lot on your shoulders when you stepped out there - and you were amazing. You made it so much easier for the rest of us. You were first.

  5. Indeed. You did it. And you were and are amazing!

  6. Funny how life works...because I was thinking, during the first rehearsal, that I did not belong on that stage with the most amazing YOU...that is was so nice of M&T to allow me to be part of something amazing that you were doing. It truly was an honor to be part of this experience with you.


  7. You did awesome!!

    Your piece was amazing. With a perfectly placed chuckle to break the heaviness and just all around perfect and honest and...awesome! :)

  8. Congratulations! What an awesome way to step out of your comfort zone and do something amazing.

  9. Jessie6:35 AM

    You are so beautiful! I love the photos.

  10. Anonymous8:20 AM

    So proud of you, Brandie - and you look awesome too, by the way! xo Chris, San Diego


Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)