Rhonda believes is miracles and true love. She loves to capture life in pictures and scrapbooks. She lives in Kansas with her husband Eric and their toddler Liam. Visit her blog at http://meettherobsons.
She always sits in the back, she doesn’t want to be noticed. She doesn’t say much of anything, would it matter how she felt anyways? She’s doesn’t have many friends, she doesn’t want to have to explain anxiety disorder. She works hard, if she didn’t would she think people thought she was lazy due to her size? She feels like she is left out, are they judging me because of what I am not able to do? When she is mad she losses it, but if she keeps her feelings in no one will get mad if they don’t like what she says. She really isn’t herself, people have hurt her in the past and she doesn’t want a repeat of it.
Yes, that “she” is me. For so many years I wasn’t really who I wanted to be. I was in a marriage that I was afraid to get out of due to panic attacks. I let him and his family control my feelings. I wasn’t able to have an opinion. The past of me being quiet and bottled up continued through my adult years. I had no one to turn to. My family and friends thought all was good. It wasn’t. I struggled through infertility, depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks and agoraphobia. I felt alone in my own home. My life was a hell on earth.
I went through the day to day motions. Work. Wife. I was always searching for happiness. I bought books on it. I read scriptures. Nothing to seemed to work. Happiness was no where to be found. But one day something changed. I wanted a new life. I wanted to leave my husband. Key note here, I married him because I wanted out of the house. I was 19 when we married. I thought I was in love. I thought I was happy. I was at times but deep inside I never was. I can see it not, I couldn’t then. I finally saw all the negative in my life. I needed a change but how? How does someone with panic attacks, anxiety disorder, depression and agoraphobia change the major things in her life? Slowly.
I decided to start with my weight. Over a year I lost 74 pounds by eating right and exercising. I started writing daily affirmations. I would write 10 things each day that was positive in my life. I started getting my voice back. I said what was on my mind. If something bothered me I didn’t bottle it up. Losing the weight was the first step in gaining my confidence and independence from a miserable marriage. I was seeing that I could do things once I set my mind to it. I realized then that I was in control of my happiness and what happened in my life. I was starting to win again!
To make a long story short, we separated. I met the man of my dreams. Someone that loves me for who I am. Someone that I can talk to about anything. Someone that I am not afraid to be myself to. Actually we had known each other for many years. We started dating and realized what we had for each other. About 8 months later I found out I was pregnant. After 3 loses I was afraid but my miracle came. My son is the joy of my life. We got married last year on 10/10/10! Life is what I always wanted it to be.
I am now 40. Do I look at those years as a waste? No, I needed to grow. I needed to believe in myself before my son came into my life. I need to have happiness. I strongly believe that we go through tough times to make us stronger and learn. Is it fair? No. We all have different needs and issues but what we all have in common is the need to be happy. Life is too short to be unhappy. I didn’t see that through anxious eyes. I thought I was happy when I went shopping or ate. Oh how I have learned that is so not true.
If you need a change in your life make it happen. It won’t happen right away. For me it was 5 years before I was strong enough to let it all end. I still need work on things that deal with anxiety but it is getting better. Be happy. Enjoy those everyday moments that we all take for granted. Life your live they way YOU want to. Do not let others determine your life. It is so worth coming out of your shell and seeing the world through your eyes. You can do it!