Last week my husband and I were able to go out to dinner alone. This is huge deal. We haven't gone out on a "date" in so long. It seems most of the year was wrapped up with sickness and then just as we left all the winter illness behind we were hit with my cancer diagnosis.
Anyway, we got out and it was so nice. While we were out husband started to talk to me about our future. He specifically brought up dreams I've talked about greatly in the past. And I can't lie. My anxiety sky rocketed and I couldn't talk to him about it.
You see the future right now is a scary place for me. Don't get me wrong, I feel very positive that this cancer will be gone and I'll go into remission and it won't come back. And yet, I'm terrified that the cancer is not gone. Or it will go away but return again. It's not uncommon for women who have breast cancer like mine to get it 2, 3, even more times in their lifetime.
That knowledge makes thinking about, planning for, or even dreaming about the future very difficult for me. I need to focus on today. Getting through the now. And once we are through all of this, hopefully I can back to dreaming and planning.
Oh honey.
ReplyDeleteI don't "really" understand, but I can try and put myself in your position and I can see how I might feel like that.
But maybe making LITTLE plans and dreams might be ok?
I am personally married to a dreamer who is always thinking of the things we should do and the places we should go. Whether or not we actually go isn't what counts for him. It's taken me a long time to realize that he just needs to dream.
It doesnt hurt to dream, I often live in the land of 'what-ifs-and buts' it gives you something to aim for and smile about, and I know sometimes you feel like there's nothing to smile about but then your mind wanders to a place where life is 'normal' you see your kids smiling and I defy you not to smile.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs from across the waves xx
Sending love your way, Brandie. And hoping soon you'll feel like it's OK to dream. But totally understand your hesitancy at doing so now. Hang in there. xo Chris, San Diego
ReplyDeleteHey there I know exactly how you feel right now and I haven't even had my surgery yet. They moved mine to the 7th by the way. I am having the same problem with looking towards the future. This has to be something those of us with this disease are all going through. I'm sure we will get past this milestone as well
ReplyDeleteErika
Baby steps, Darlin'. Confidence in yourself and your future will come with time - planning for those things you want for yourself and your family will come with your unconditional return to health. And that isn't far off at all. So just be patient.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard, in the middle of something this big, to see the future. Putting off talking about it isn't wrong, or bad. But you do need to remember to live. Once you're in remission, yes, you should be careful. But despite the worry of recurrence, or maybe even BECAUSE of that worry, you need to live, laugh, and love in spite of and in the face of that worry. Kind of a "screw you" to the cancer worry.
ReplyDeleteI know that you are probably feeling bad for these feelings, but it's natural. Don't beat yourself up for not being ready yet. You will get there. :)
Just sending love and of course prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm reluctant ever to say, "I understand," to someone who's going through something (like cancer) that I'm not. But I do identify with that anxiety of planning for the future. I wish I could just brush away your concerns about your cancer returning. I hope and believe it won't, but I also know that it could. But making plans for your future won't cause it to.
ReplyDeleteSo allow yourself the pleasure of a dream or plan if you want to. God won't punish you for it. And if you need to just focus on the task at hand, getting better, that's okay, too. Just don't wait until it's "safe" to plan for the future, because it just never is. Life is pesky like that.
Love you, friend. Wishing you good stuff, both now and in that uncertain future.
I've heard having cancer be described as an "assault." It was such a vivid picture in my mind, you're always expecting another bad guy to be behind the next corner. It's gonna take time, but you'll eventually be able to plan ahead again. I imagine that it's hard to plan when you're feel like you're just treading water.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs to you, Brandie. Thanks for the Twitter chat tonight. I needed it.
I won't say I understand- I couldn't. Nobody can. But I CAN send you cyber hugs and tell you that when and if you want to dream, I'm here to listen.
ReplyDelete