Last week my husband and I were able to go out to dinner alone. This is huge deal. We haven't gone out on a "date" in so long. It seems most of the year was wrapped up with sickness and then just as we left all the winter illness behind we were hit with my cancer diagnosis.
Anyway, we got out and it was so nice. While we were out husband started to talk to me about our future. He specifically brought up dreams I've talked about greatly in the past. And I can't lie. My anxiety sky rocketed and I couldn't talk to him about it.
You see the future right now is a scary place for me. Don't get me wrong, I feel very positive that this cancer will be gone and I'll go into remission and it won't come back. And yet, I'm terrified that the cancer is not gone. Or it will go away but return again. It's not uncommon for women who have breast cancer like mine to get it 2, 3, even more times in their lifetime.
That knowledge makes thinking about, planning for, or even dreaming about the future very difficult for me. I need to focus on today. Getting through the now. And once we are through all of this, hopefully I can back to dreaming and planning.