My Favorite Word

Today, I got to hear my favorite word. There is (thankfully) rarely an occasion to use it, so I don't hear it much, but when I do, it is sweet, sweet music to my ears.

The word isn't love.
It isn't money.
It isn't chocolate.
It isn't cake.
It isn't surprise.
It isn't winner.
It isn't clothes. Or cars.

It isn't anything you can give me. Or buy me.

The word I heard today was simply "benign."

I also heard non-malignant, which is practically the same thing, but I think benign is more fun to say. Also it makes me think of Bingo. B9.

Benign.

I got to hear that word today.

Which was a relief. Because for the last few weeks, I had walked around in a panic; thinking, worrying, fretting, terrified that I would instead hear Sorry to have to tell you, but you have cancer. Again.

All over a freaking enlarged lymph node by my clavicle. My left supraclavicular lymph node if you want to be exact. It was enlarged. For no reason we could discern. I found it accidentally about a month ago. Then the doctor felt it. Then they ultrasounded it. Then they biopsied it. Apparently, we don't mess around with supraclavicular lymph nodes.

All I could think was here we go again.

Again. This is the fourth time I have been biopsied. Going into this biopsy, I was 1 for 3 with cancer. I didn't know if I'd come out the other side 2 for 4 or 1 for 4.


And I'm just so over all of this.

But it's not all over me.

I spent the last few weeks imagining that everything will come back fine. I imagined that cancer had returned. I hoped that it hadn't. I pictured telling my kids that it has. I pictured laughing with my husband about how nervous I was and how all that worry was for naught. I wondered what words I would use to tell my mom that I have cancer again. My dad. My sisters. My family. My friends. I wondered if even if the results were good, if I'd still have a worry, an ever-present fear, at the back of my brain. Wondering if cancer was back.

The weight is ever present. It is so heavy on me.

I wonder will it always feel this heavy. Will the worry always be this deep. Will the fear always permeate everything I do. It must get better.

When we checked my thyroid, I called support people crying before the biopsy. I was so scared. This time, I haven't said a word to hardly anyone really.

So it must be better? It must not be so scary or painful. It must be getting better.

Time eases all we're told. Albeit slowly, at a snail's pace. So slowly that if you were a bystander you might not notice the changes at all. But over time, a subtle difference would start to emerge. And if you pulled out a photo from 20 years ago and held it up, you might think well look at that! I can see a difference.

And that is what I'm holding onto tonight. No matter what happens, it will be okay. It's got to be okay. Even if it's not. It's got to be.

Love

Last week, I had a particularly bad day.

And it happened on dance class day.

The husband and I signed up for dance classes this fall. Every Thursday, we head over to the local park district, where a lovely woman teaches us and an ever-shrinking number of other couples how to dance. Fox trot, waltz, two step, swing, and even some polka.

I have wanted to take dance classes with my husband our entire marriage, so when it finally became reality - thanks to him - I was over the moon.

So every Thursday I do my best to be feeling really good. I save my spoons for dance class. I need this dance class. I look forward to it. It's a time for him and I to do something together.

Last week, my Thursday was a long day. I didn't save my spoons. And in the middle of dance class, I got sick. We had to leave. And I was devastated. Just devastated.

I quickly moved into apologizing mode. And I said I was sorry more than several times to my husband, who felt no sorry was necessary and told me.

At some point he looked at me, and my breath was taken away.

Have you ever had this moment? Where someone looks at you? And you can just feel this immense amount of love coming from that person? In that moment, you can do no wrong, you are so loved. His love for me just oozed out of every pore in his body and I swear, I could feel it enveloping me. In, of course, love.

My goodness. There's not many people who can give you that feeling: your parents, your significant other, your children, a really really good friend. And even then, it's not a look you get every day. Oh, I know there's love there every day. I sense it, but not like this. Feeling it so strongly.

I cried. I cried because I was so frustrated at how I was feeling. I was so angry at my body, which sometimes feels more like an enemy than a friend. But I also cried because I just knew I was so deeply loved. I had this man who loved me more than should be possible, right next to me, standing by me - literally and figuratively.

I didn't do anything to deserve this. It just is. And I'm lucky enough to feel it.

I know how many people pine for that moment. How fleeting it can be. I know that tragic things can happen in the blink of an eye that put an instant wall up between even the strongest kind of love. I know that life throws curve balls and that that kind of love is not guaranteed in this life and if you've found it, it's not guaranteed to last. 

But my goodness. I've got it. Dance class or not. Healthy or not. Bad days or good days.

I feel lucky to have this.

I feel grateful to have this.

My husband is not perfect. Nor am I. But somehow, we are perfect together.

I want the world to know this. I want the world to know that I'm so thankful to have this moment, because mostly, I want my husband to know. I want him to know I don't take this for granted. I want him to know how absolutely loved he makes me feel. I want him to know that I'm so thankful.

I do tell him. Not often enough, but I do tell him these things. But writing it down? It's more permanent. It's more real. I won't live on forever, but these words will last longer than me. 

So in this month in which we are focused on all we are thankful for, I am thankful for him. I hope he knows it. I hope our kids know it. And I hope, that somehow, I can make him feel half as loved as he makes me feel.

Happy Halloween!

Way back in September (which feels ages ago) someone asked how others would handle Pinktober. I proudly declared that this year, I wanted October to be about Halloween and fall again.

So I set out to do that. I made really big plans. I pinned like a billion things on pinterest.

Then I was like, um, Brandie, step away from the pinterest, and just do Halloween the way you are going to do it.

So I did Halloween just the way that I was able to around these parts. We'll probably do similar next year, but maybe with some more decorations inside!

But, I loved our pumpkins on the front porch. There were also some other decorations out there that I didn't get pictures of. And we had fun posters on the front door.

The ghosts that lined our driveway were just milk jugs with cheap electric lights from the dollar store in them. We live at the end of a dead end street and we noticed last year not everyone walked all the way down the street, so I wanted to do something that was visible to trick-or-treaters as they came down the street. We still didn't get a lot of them because it was raining. Boo for rain.

There was a lot of baking this October. I got my hands on a lot of apples. So I made apple cake. And apple bread. And apple sauce. I also baked a fair amount of bread. (Side note: I made the most beautiful loaf of bread I've ever made last month. It was so lovely.) And the kitchen often smelled lovely.

We carved pumpkins - last minute, but we did it! Everyone is old enough to do their own now, which is great. I roasted the pumpkin seeds. Okay, I roasted them poorly. I'm not sure how to master it, because I swear I do it right, but they never taste great. Next year, I'll let them dry more and cook them a bit longer and try again.

The two kids who went out, had fun costumes. The girl was a sock monkey. The boy was a ninja. I had originally planned to make him a minecraft person. I even made the costume.

Trust me when I say, it was ugly. No, really, it was. And he wouldn't tell me - he said he liked it and wanted to wear it. So I explained to him that sometimes we fail. And that's okay. If we fail, we go to plan b and our plan b was to go buy a costume the day before Halloween. At which, he admitted he didn't like the costume, but didn't want to hurt my feelings, and so off to plan b and it turned out perfect!

All in all, we had a great Halloween. It was perfect for us and I think even with the not tasty pumpkin seeds and plan b with the costume, it was a great season. I can't wait to do expand it a bit next year!

Hope you all had a good Halloween season too!

How to help

Last week, on my facebook page, I shared a list of ways to help those going through chemo/cancer treatment. The list was pretty popular and was shared more often than anything I've posted. Someone suggested I post it over here so that more people can read it, so here it is.

This is the list of things that I think are ways to help those going through a hard time. Some of these things people did for me. Some of them others shared were done for them. And some are just things that I think would have been nice if someone had done.

This list, is of course, not all encompassing. Reading some of these might give you other ideas to help. Follow your gut. You know your friend/family member best so do what feels right for you to do for them. But if you need a place to start, I think this is a good jumping point. 

• Set up an account at takethemameal.com and share with those who can help bring dinners
• Set up an account at lotsahelpinghands.com to set up things like dinner/housekeeping/helping with kids/driving/etc
• Buy a cooler for the family to put by their front door so when people bring meals they can put it in there and not have to ring the doorbell if people are resting inside
• Next time you are shopping, buy an extra toilet paper pack/paper towel pack/laundry detergent/dish soap/etc ... the things that we all use every day but don't necessarily buy every day so that they are stocked up and it's one less thing to worry about
• Buy groceries you know they will like and deliver to the house
• Send your friend books/magazines/word search/cross word books/etc - some chemo infusions can take 8 hours. That's a lot of time to sit at the infusion center and lots of time to pass
• Buy your friend something that is their hobby (i.e. for me, buy yarn ;-)) Yarn, art supplies, a cross stitch kit, a build your own model kit, or a coloring book or whatever makes them happy
• Chemo can dry you out. Bring your friend chap stick, lotion, biotene mouthwash, etc. BUT make it UNSCENTED. Chemo also heightens our sense of smell and scented things probably aren't going to go over well for a lot of people. Same thing applies to lotion/body wash/candles/etc
• Give a lap blanket to take to chemo or use when watching tv
• Buy them some shoes that are easy on and off. Sometimes chemo makes your feet swell or gives you neuropathy in your feet. Easy on/off comfy shoes are a big deal. 
• Scarves, hats - both knit hats for colder days and lighter hats for warmer days. 
• Help your friend go pick out a wig. Or be with them when they shave their head. Or offer to shave their head. Do not tell them it's only hair and it grows back. It is, but it doesn't help to hear that sometimes.
• offer to take their kids with you (if you can) when you take your kids out. 
• offer a night out to the caregiver - you come over, bring a movie or tv series and allow the caregiver to get out.
• If the person going through cancer is married and has kids, take the kids one night and bring over some fancy(ish) food for the couple to enjoy. Date nights tend to not be a priority during all of this, so give them a taste of it if you can
• Offer to take your friend to a movie, out to eat, to the mall to window shop, a walk in the park, a drive to your favorite cafe, etc. BUT remember to be flexible. If your friend cancels because they aren't feeling well, it's not YOU, do not take it personally. Even if they cancel ten times in a room (though if that happens, think about if you're offering to take them to somewhere YOU want to go, or somewhere s/he would like)
• Be prepared to say nothing. Sometimes silence is golden. Sometimes we just need someone to listen, to nod, to let it all out. You don't need to have an answer or a way to fix it. Just listen.
• Come over and clean. Don't ask. Most people won't say they need it, but do it anyway. 
• Send little notes in the mail every so often. Your friend is probably getting a lot of bills in the mail. Something that is not a bill, would be lovely. 
• Have a favorite song you think your friend should listen to? Or a book? Or a movie? Buy it for them. I think itunes let's you buy specific things and gift to people. Amazon might as well. Share. 
• During chemo, a person's immune system can be compromised and a trip out just isn't in the cards - get creative. A friend knew there was a movie I REALLY wanted to see, so she took me to the drive-in. I got to see the movie and avoid germs. And get a night out of the house. Win-win-win. 
• Support their treatment choices EVEN if it's not what *you* would do. On the same vein, do not send them every "cure" you read about on-line. Do not tell them about your cousin's-friend's-sister's-uncle's-wife had the same cancer as them and died an awful terrible death that just tore apart the whole family. 
• Do not tell kids (if they involved) that they have to step up and be the man/woman of the house. Those kids have enough weight on their shoulders. Just love them and treat them as you would treat other kids their age.
• If you want to give gifts, and the health is good enough, don't just give toys/things, also give gifts of experiences - passes to the zoo, movie tickets, etc. Time is precious and while more toys and more toys are fun, sometimes the family also need time to just do something fun. A night of minigolf can be priceless.
• It is better to offer to do something than ask what you can do. We might not be able to think of a specific thing to tell you, but if you offer, we'll say yes please. We might still say no, do it anyway. Asking for help is hard. Accepting help is hard. But come over and wash dishes anyway. 
• Give a journal so they can write things down (if that's something your friend would like).
• Offer to help spread news among other friends/family/etc. Whether that's making phone calls or setting up an e-mail list, often times there are many people who want updates and it's hard for one person/family to be able to talk to everyone and let them know what's going on.
• Offer to go to doctor's appointments and take notes. Lots of information can be thrown at people in a short amount of time. Go and just be the note-taker. Before the appointment, ask them if there are any questions they want to ask and also ask those questions at the appointment as well. It's easy to forget in the appointment what you wanted to ask.
• Chemobrain is real. Your friend might seem "flaky" Be understanding and patient. Again, it's not personal. 
• Help the person write thank you cards to others who have helped as well. 
• Give them movies/tv shows/etc to watch during the days when they need to rest or need treatment or whatever. 
• Audio books are a good idea as well. Sometimes chemobrain can make reading a book hard, audio books can be easier for some people
• If you have the talent, offer to shoot family pictures (or individual pictures) or get a photographer in. Many people have found comfort in getting those photos done.
• If you can gift a few months of netflix, hulu, amazon prime, hbo go, etc, then do so. There might be days where doing things is hard, or long days at the doctor's office. Having something to just watch and relax to, can be a good thing. 
• If you have the strength, and your friend is suffering from joint/bone/etc pain (which can happen in a lot of treatments) that make them wheelchair bound (temporarily or long term), come over and push them around the block. Get them outside. It can make a big difference in a person's mood to just get outside for a bit.

 There are lots and lots of ways to help. Just start wherever you can start. In a way that you think is needed for your friend.

NaBloPoMo

It's November. You know what that means?
Thanksgiving? Yes
Autumn weather? Yes
NaBloPoMo? Yes!

And for the record: this is the first year, despite doing it for the last few years, that NaBloPoMo just rolls off my tongue and I don't butcher it 15 ways first!

But yes, it's NaBloPoMo, which stands for National Blog Post Month. In which we bloggers are encouraged to post every. single. day.

Yes, sometimes it's hard.
Yes, sometimes I want to skip a day.
Yes, sometimes I think I put out dumb posts just to check that day off.

However, I usually end the month and I am pleased with most of what I write. I enjoy the month to challenge myself. I like having just one month to really focus on my blog.

I am not a serious blogger - I was just talking to my kids about this last week. I was was passed up for a blog opportunity and not one bit surprised. I explained to my kids that for some people, their blog was their business. So they said, well just do that so you can get this thing we want you to get. That's when I explained to them just how hard some bloggers work - attending events, making sure things are posted on time, making sure they follow guidelines, follow-up, regular posting, etc, etc.

Oh, they said, that's why you don't have a big blog.

Exactly. My blog is not my business. It is not first on my list. Or even second. Or third.

But for NaBloPoMo? I bump it up the list and I like to dive in headfirst and see what I can do around these parts.

So, once again, I'm jumping in head first. And we'll see where this month takes us.

I have not pre-written any posts - though I think tomorrow I'll share something I put on my facebook page, but aside from that, I have nothing ready to go. Not even a list of things to write about. While in past years I haven't had an extensive list, I have had a few things ready to go for this month.

And I know I've got lots of friends participating too, so I'm hoping that they'll post something that reminds of something to share over here.

Who knows! The month is wide open! And I can't wait to see where it will take me!