Love

Last week, I had a particularly bad day.

And it happened on dance class day.

The husband and I signed up for dance classes this fall. Every Thursday, we head over to the local park district, where a lovely woman teaches us and an ever-shrinking number of other couples how to dance. Fox trot, waltz, two step, swing, and even some polka.

I have wanted to take dance classes with my husband our entire marriage, so when it finally became reality - thanks to him - I was over the moon.

So every Thursday I do my best to be feeling really good. I save my spoons for dance class. I need this dance class. I look forward to it. It's a time for him and I to do something together.

Last week, my Thursday was a long day. I didn't save my spoons. And in the middle of dance class, I got sick. We had to leave. And I was devastated. Just devastated.

I quickly moved into apologizing mode. And I said I was sorry more than several times to my husband, who felt no sorry was necessary and told me.

At some point he looked at me, and my breath was taken away.

Have you ever had this moment? Where someone looks at you? And you can just feel this immense amount of love coming from that person? In that moment, you can do no wrong, you are so loved. His love for me just oozed out of every pore in his body and I swear, I could feel it enveloping me. In, of course, love.

My goodness. There's not many people who can give you that feeling: your parents, your significant other, your children, a really really good friend. And even then, it's not a look you get every day. Oh, I know there's love there every day. I sense it, but not like this. Feeling it so strongly.

I cried. I cried because I was so frustrated at how I was feeling. I was so angry at my body, which sometimes feels more like an enemy than a friend. But I also cried because I just knew I was so deeply loved. I had this man who loved me more than should be possible, right next to me, standing by me - literally and figuratively.

I didn't do anything to deserve this. It just is. And I'm lucky enough to feel it.

I know how many people pine for that moment. How fleeting it can be. I know that tragic things can happen in the blink of an eye that put an instant wall up between even the strongest kind of love. I know that life throws curve balls and that that kind of love is not guaranteed in this life and if you've found it, it's not guaranteed to last. 

But my goodness. I've got it. Dance class or not. Healthy or not. Bad days or good days.

I feel lucky to have this.

I feel grateful to have this.

My husband is not perfect. Nor am I. But somehow, we are perfect together.

I want the world to know this. I want the world to know that I'm so thankful to have this moment, because mostly, I want my husband to know. I want him to know I don't take this for granted. I want him to know how absolutely loved he makes me feel. I want him to know that I'm so thankful.

I do tell him. Not often enough, but I do tell him these things. But writing it down? It's more permanent. It's more real. I won't live on forever, but these words will last longer than me. 

So in this month in which we are focused on all we are thankful for, I am thankful for him. I hope he knows it. I hope our kids know it. And I hope, that somehow, I can make him feel half as loved as he makes me feel.