Wednesday, April 27, 2011

More waiting ...

First let me start with this: I'm going to try to not turn this into a blog about all cancer, all the time. Because while it is a REALLY HUGE BIG thing in my life right now, I am very aware it is also NOT the only thing in my life.

However, it is the dominating thing, at least while we are still gathering new info, figuring out I feel like I will talk about it a lot and for that I apologize. And here's the good news, I can't see you read this, so if you don't want to, my feelings will be completely UNhurt should you navigate away and wait for more crafty content to appear.

Now that is said, I have a little more updates for today. First it was the BIG meeting with the doctor, were we go over everything and talked about all that is to come. But, it didn't start off on the right foot. She wanted to check how things were healing from the biopsy and as we did that she asked "I don't remember reading in the ultrasound report about under your arms? Did they check them then?" I didn't remember them doing it so we checked today. I have a few swollen lymph nodes. Which truly can be really nothing or really something.

I do have a cold right now. I did have the biopsy last week. Those could cause swelling. And yet, we can't leave it at that, so we did a needle biopsy today to check it. We should hear back in the next few days. The good news is it's not so enlarged that her immediate reaction is it's absolutely cancer. But it's swollen, and we can't not check it. So a bit more waiting.

I go to the geneticist tomorrow for BrCa testing. Which feels really important because if it comes back positive that affects not only myself, but it could affect others. And knowing that fact is weighing heavily on my heart. 

I get an MRI Friday morning. I don't know when those results come back.

We are looking at surgery in 3-4 weeks. Interestingly enough there is a chance (although I think it will happen after) that it could be taking place on my birthday. Which just feels kind of strange.

I have the pathology report. Since some have asked - it is invasive ductal carcinoma. I'm told this is a very common form (although I'm NOT going to google this. Because well, I don't want to read horror stories at this point you know?)  Also, others have asked what stage it is ... we don't know. And we won't know until surgery. We can guess it is stage 1 or 2. But for now that is a guess.

In other news after thinking about it and after seeing how the last two days have gone and knowing my own history, today I met with my primary care physician. Tonight I started something for both anxiety and depression. Right now I am feeling amazing amounts of anxiety. There are moments I just can not stop shaking. I am trying to calm myself down, but I need help. And I have a history of anxiety. While I feel at this moment, anxiety is all that is on my plate, we also know I also have a history with depression. And we know that depression meds will take 2-3 weeks to work fully. And so we decided to go ahead and start it now. Because I don't want to get to the point of surgery and wham - depression hitting hard. This is a VERY personal decision I made because I feel it is right for me.

And now, if you've made it this far ... I am setting up an e-mail group to share updates as we get them (which may be weekly, maybe 3 in one week, and then nothing for 3 weeks) but if you want to be on that list please leave a comment or e-mail me at Brandie185 {at} gmail {dot} com. I promise no spam, I won't try to sell you anything, and I will not let you know every time I sneeze either ;-)


  1. I would love to be added.

    Praying for you, Brandie!

  2. First of all, I think you should share on your blog as much as you're comfortable. I think it's very theraputic to put our feelings in writing and it will give you a great place to reflect back on. It's also very private so I would understand if you don't WANT to. But just to say I don't think you should stop yourself from blogging about it because you think people don't want to read it. Not only could it help you work through, but you never know when someone who is feeling very alone in what they are going through could happen upon it and totally connect to something you share!!

    As for the anxiety/depression, I think it's great that your Dr is on board with being proactive. I think this is a smart decision for something with a history of depression. I think mental strength is one of the biggest elements to fighting this disease no matter the stage!!

    You are very much in my thoughts and prayers and I even told my husband, showed him your profile photo and gave him your name so he could pray very specifically for you too!!!!!

    I promise to be one of your biggest cheerleaders, supporting and praying for you as you fight this fight! Go beat this girl!!!!!! ((((hugs))))

  3. Brandie, I love that you are caring for yourself with what feels right for you. I cannot imagine a better way to step into this. And in case there is a sneeze on the way....bless you, friend. xoxo

  4. I too would like to be added to that email list. I'm praying for you every day. Also, I hope I'm not out of line, but I have a friend, the wife of an old boyfriend actually, she's an amazing woman who doesn't live too far from you. Well she's 5 years (I think) breast cancer free. If you're interested maybe I could introduce you and she could be of some support to you. Just let me know.


  5. Damnit. Just moments ago, I was overjoicing that my loved one does NOT have cancer, and not I am crying because you, another loved one, DOES. And I am so fucking pissed off for you. I really have no words, Brandie... Just know that I LOVE you. I want to be on the email list, please and I am here to talk to if you are feeling down, ok?

  6. I am so happy to hear that you're considering your mental health in addition to physical. SO important! Will be thinking of you.

  7. Although I think I'm already in a group that will be kept updated, I'd also love to be in a specific support group email. Let's use my old familiar email

  8. Anonymous7:57 PM Praying for you


Seeing your comments makes me smile! Thank you so much =)