Letting Go

Today I did something I probably should have done long before now. Although, I wasn't ready before today, and really, I don't know that I was fully ready today, but it was time.

Today I finally threw away all the bras in my drawer.

Yep. I haven't actually worn one of them since May 18, 2011. That was the day I had my breasts removed; the day that I woke up, kissed and hugged my three children and went to the hospital with my husband and mother to get a double mastectomy. Not even one month after learning I had breast cancer.

{Side note: last year I did have to wear a bra after losing the implant on the right side. However, it wasn't a regular bra because the left side still had an expander in. The expanders do not fit into a regular bra. I had to purchase what is known as a post-surgical bra and that is what I wore during the time I needed to use a prosthetic}

That's more than two years. Two years I've been holding onto them. Knowing the whole time, I'd never be able to wear them again, but holding on. Just in case.

Let's be honest though, just in case what? Did I think my boobs would magically grow back and be what they once were? I knew from day one the implants would be smaller. I knew I would be advised to not wear under wire. Deep down I knew I didn't need them, that I'd never need them.

But I kept them. In the drawer. To just sit. Because it was too hard to look at them again, to see them, this reminder of what I used to need to wear. Every. Single. Day.

Let's be honest. There was no just in case. It was really me, holding on, in my own way. A small way to deny to what was going on. One less truth to face as I was left facing so many truths. One less task to do while I was just trying to survive - survive chemo, radiation, infections, surgeries.

Now? Now, it's time to let go. I get my permanent implants on Monday - 4 days away. Definitely time to move on - out with the old, in with the new, and all that jazz. And it is time to move on. But that doesn't mean it was easy. It doesn't mean that as I cleaned that drawer out today I didn't feel sad, or blink back tears, or wish it wasn't something I had to do. Because I sure as heck did.

Look. It's hard. So much of this whole process has been hard. That's not to say there haven't been good things, or bright spots, or easy things. That there hasn't been laughter and good memories. This doesn't mean that I'm not grateful to be alive or to get the treatment I did. It doesn't mean that I wished I had picked a different form of reconstruction or treatment options, or whatever. But it is hard. There are so many things, that seem like they should be simple and easy (like throwing away bras) that leave me in tears.

The tears, though, pass. The task is done. I can stand in this moment and know it was time. I can find a certain amount of peace in finally getting it done. I can even smile as I think about that upcoming shopping trip I will both need and have earned. After all, I have a mostly empty drawer just ready to be filled again!