It's about 2am around these parts, and here I sit. At the computer. There is a storm raging outside. I think it's passed our house, but a few of those strikes felt a little to close to home for comfort. The light flickered several times. I have my phone next to me to use a flashlight, just in case. And the computer is unplugged and running on it's battery. A migraine is pounding my head so hard, I'm not sure it will ever go away. And I'm not sure one can be in this much pain without permanent damage. It all mixes in with all the other pain - chronic and new - that attacks my body every day.
This would be a fabulous first few minutes of a horror film, or some crime-drama on tv. While it is neither of those things, I do feel like I'm living in my own personal nightmare.
I just want to sleep.
I just want my head to stop hurting.
I just want my leg to stop hurting.
I just want the storm to stop. I mean this both literally and figuratively.
I currently feel adrift at sea ... being tossed by the waves ... hanging on to the railing for dear life ... praying I don't fall off ... hoping that calm waters are just up ahead ... that soon we'll be yelling "land ho."
I can only imagine it's the changing of the weather, but everything is off. I've got a migraine I can't kick. My meds just don't touch it. This leads to sleepless nights. Which means I feel just worn out and exhausted.
I wrote this a few weeks ago, in the midst of a major migraine that just wouldn't go away. It was awful. I stopped it when I just couldn't write anymore. I shut the computer down, hobbled up to my room and woke my husband. I told him I might need to go the ER but I just didn't know.
We didn't end up going. I wonder now if we should have. There was no relief from the headache for a few days after this. I finally went to the doctor, and got some different medicines and some other things to try.
I'm telling you: these days are hard. These are the days I want to just crawl into bed and hide for a month or two. I can't do that, of course, but I can take a nap here or there as needed.
And still, it's just beyond frustrating.
I think of the things I don't accomplish.
The stories I don't read with my kids.
The dinners I don't make.
The laundry I don't do.
The events I miss out on.
The time wasted.
When I went to the doctor, I had to fight back tears. And after talking about symptoms, how I was feeling, etc. After I got through it all, I stared at the floor as I told her "I just want to be a good mom. I'm not now, but I want to be."
My doctor, who is pretty fabulous and is our family doctor, hugged me and told me I already was a good mom. I appreciated the hug. I appreciated the words. It lessens the sting of all of this just a little bit.
Still. It's hard. Which I say a lot, but it is. I'm still trying to navigate it all. But today, today I am headache free and even though I'm exhausted, I'll take headache free for as long as it will last!