It's January

I'm not sure why every January I am surprised I am feeling so blue, when I pretty much feel blue every January.

I'd like to blame the winter. Or maybe it's the post-holiday let down. Or maybe it's one year ending and being nervous about a new year starting. Or maybe it's just life in general.

This January, everything is magnified more than usual.

Frankly, I'm surprised that I haven't killed anyone yet. Or that my family hasn't killed me yet. (and no, we are not really on the verge of anyone killing anyone).

Because, let's be honest. Lately, I've been a huge witch.

It's getting better. Because I am trying SO SO SO hard to get better. But it's so hard.

Sometimes I have these mood swings and I just can't control them. I know that sounds like an excuse, but it's true. I've said it before, I'm on medicine that screws with my moods and hormones and sometimes it is just. too. much.

So I snap.

I'm also adjusting my sleep cycle. Have you ever done this? Or tried to do this? If you have, maybe it affected your moods too. It is definitely affecting mine.

We are doing this medically, with medicine. It will be great in the long term. In the short term, it sucks.

Just to summarize, some of the side effects are:

• feeling sad or empty
• general feeling of discomfort or illness
• irritability
• loss of interest or pleasure

The other prescription I'm on has these side effects:

• mental/mood changes (e.g., depression)
• irritability

And if you look at signs of iron deficiency anemia, it lists

• irritability

Then just for fun, throw in some PMS.

Seriously, sometimes I wonder how I'm even EVER able to just smile and be happy. Because everything is making me crabby, depressed, upset, anxious, and just feeling completely and utterly worn out.

Sigh.

I'm not trying to make excuses. But this is where I am. This is where I sit.

And I'm trying so hard. So very hard.

I'm trying to not yell. To not take things personally. To not freak out when things go a little bit wrong.

But I've always been high strung and anxious. And I've dealt with depression before all of this.

It is not easy.

It makes me a very unlikable person sometimes.

I always know it's pretty bad when even I don't want to be with myself.

So I end up crying. I end up feeling like crap. I end up alienating myself from my family because I'm so darn awful. And I get stuck in my own head.

And my family rallies around me, once again, and I feel better and lighter. And I get determined to not go back down that hole again. And I don't. For a while. But it will circle back around, unfortunately.

I just have to hope I get some time. And some space. And that my family doesn't give up on me next time it happens, or the time after that, or the time after that.

That some day they can look back and know that, despite my many, many mistakes, I am doing the best that I can each day.

And that someday I can look back and know that, despite my many, many mistakes, I am doing the best that I can each day. And find some peace in that.

Brrr.

If you live just about anywhere in the Us right now, you have probably spent much of this week being cold.

I too, have spent most of the week being cold.

Okay, that's a lie. I've been freezing. And two pairs of socks, a shirt and sweater combo, a blanket or two and a scarf around the neck is not always enough to keep me not freezing.

I am very, very, very sensitive to cold. I am annoyingly sensitive to the cold.

And you know what? I'm over people telling me to get over winter.

I live in the midwest.

Yes, we get winter every. single. year.

Yes, it gets cold every. single. year.

No, it is never a surprise.

But you know what? It still sucks.

I'm iron deficient, which makes me sensitive to the cold, even more than I have always been.

The cold aggravates my muscles that have been cut open multiple times and already hurt most of the time. They hurt more when they are cold. They spasm more when they are cold. And the cold affects my range of motion.

My joints get stuck in the cold: a result of leftover chemo side effects and a side effect of a current medicine I'm on.

That's just me.

Other friends also struggle to stay warm when it's cold because of medical things. Cold affects lots of joints. It inflames neuropathy. Etc, etc, etc.

The cold sucks and can aggravate a lot of other things already going on with people.

And you know what? I didn't know all of this when I decided to stay in the midwest, where I was born and raised, by the rest of my family, and my husband's family. So, the advice to just "Move someplace warmer!" isn't actually helpful.

Know what else? I don't think I need to even have to have a medical reason to complain about the cold. I see people complain about things every day. When people complain about their job, I don't just say flippantly "At least you have a job," or "Just get a new job."

I listen. I nod my head along. I offer hugs (real and virtual). I don't complain about you complaining about things: whether they happen every year or not.

If I want to complain a few moments about the cold, just let me. I'll let you get out your complaints too. I promise.

2015 Goals

In years past I've set resolutions.

I've picked words to guide my year.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Because sometimes I'm more motivated and sometimes I'm not. And sometimes things happen that change plans.

And yet, this year, I'm ready to go again. So I've set a few goals for the year. We'll see how it goes. I want these goals to be fun, help me grow, etc. So if they become a burden, then I shall re-evaluate.

1. Make a granny square every weekday of 2015 - yes, I said every weekday. The weekend will be a break or a time to catch up should I need it.

2. Read 40 books, with 30 of them being from the Rory Gilmore Reading List

3. Organize three years worth of digital pictures - bonus if I can get through more, but I'll be happy with just three years. Basically this means I delete the bad ones, tag faces, tag locations and leave any stories behind the picture if it needs to be

4. Organize scrapbooking items/keepsakes - I have boxes of scrapbooking things and of keepsakes. I need to get things organized and in proper boxes. I also need to weed through things and probably get rid of things. When we moved, this part of looking through things was just too daunting, so all of these boxes were just stacked and moved. It's time to delve in. Since there is no move this upcoming year and a lot of other things were done before the move, I should be able to focus on this.

5. Finish a train embroidery project - I've been working on this for too long. It's time to finish! Of course, once it's finished, I have other projects waiting in the wings ready to be worked on too. But, for now, I'll focus on this one and call it a day.

6. Make money from my knitting - I don't know how this will work or if it will. But I'd love to bring in an income, even a tiny one. And I love to knit so it seems like a good fit? We'll see.

7. On the blogging side of things, it's to blog twice a week. I feel like that should be doable, though I don't always average that. Though I want to make sure I'm not blogging nothing just to get a post up.

8. Also related to blogging, I need to be a better commenter on other blogs. I love getting comments. I assume others do as well. So I shall try to spread the love better and make sure I'm not just writing here, but reading other blogs as well.

8 goals. It may not seem like much, but there it is! I'm ready to go and tackle things. I've got quite a few plans in place to get things done. I've got the month of January done in my bullet journal and most of February done as well. Many of these goals are in the book already - nothing will get done in month one, but I should make some good progress in January. And hopefully in December I can come back to this list and say yep, finished that; yep, finished that; oh, cross that one off too!

What about you? Have you set any goals or resolutions or picked a word (or a few) to help guide your 2015? Share! 

The tradition continues!

Once again, we took midnight pictures for new year's!

I started doing this when my now 15 year old was just an infant and have kept it up. I believe I have a picture of all three kids every single year. And so far no one has been away from us for the new year, though I hope that the first year they are away, they will snap a picture (or have a friend) for their silly old mom who does that kind of thing.

 The 15yo, who doesn't appreciate getting her picture taken very much!

(and yes, I have a better one but she doesn't want me sharing so I respect that!)

 It is officially the new year. The TV says so. 

And yes, I take a picture of the tv almost every year too.

Mostly, so when I look back, I remember LOL!

 Miss 12. All happy and sparkly!

 The Husband. Whom I love!

 Happy, smiley 9yo. 

He was just happy to be up until midnight!

The husband took the camera and got a picture with me.

This is about as good as it gets these days!

Happy New Year's everyone!

2014 Rewind

Just for fun, I thought I'd rewind my year and link to one blog post from each month of the past year!

While I'm looking forward to 2015 and have set some goals for the year, I wanted to take a few moments to remember last year too!

January
January last year left me with the winter blues for sure - and it was a cold, long, awful, terrible winter last year and it just wore on me.
January was also when I had my nipples surgically put on. Not a long procedure and less painful than I expected.
But the highlight was definitely going to see Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me downtown with the husband!
So Date Night Adventures is my January blog pick!

February
So February was the continuation of an awful winter season. It included a lot of knitting and crocheting with a bit of reading thrown in on the side. I also had some fun working out at a local gym.
But the big February event was going downtown with my daughter to see Phantom of the Opera on stage. It was ah-mazing.

March
March was a big month on the blog! That was the month I announced that we were moving ... even though the husband and I had been talking about it since the previous fall, March was the month that everything with the move became real. Things were crazy as we had begun packing and fixing things up.
March is also the month that I kept reading about how too many breast cancer patients were making the wrong treatment decisions, so I penned the post You're Doing Cancer Right, because I believe that you are.

April
April was the month our house went on the market. I also did a knit-a-thon to help raise funds for my Avon 2 Day Walk and raised a bit of money and got to give quite a few washcloths away. I was feeling a bit stressed with the house and it had been a long year so far for me.
Which was great when husband surprised us with a trip to Universal Studios in Florida and then to Washington D.C. We had a fabulous time and ended up selling our house while we were out of town. It was a very good thing!

May
May I celebrated another birthday. Things were crazy. Husband moved to the new house at the end of April and in May the rest of moved over. It was a time of packing, moving things to and fro, getting everything in tip-top shape in both houses. There wasn't a lot of time to blog, but I did a lovely write up of our time at the World War II Memorial from the month before as it was a special part of our trip for me.

June
The lazy days of summer had summer. But they weren't lazy. There was softball, getting settled still, camps, I was back in occupational therapy. I spent a lot of time in my car that month and didn't have a lot of time for much us. I knit when I could and squeezed in some pre-bedtime reading.
June was also the month I participated in my third, and last for a while, Avon Walk, and it was a wonderful experience.

July
July was a month of more softball, therapy, and driving everywhere. I also felt totally exhausted and worn out. I survived though with the help of some naps and good support.
July was also the month I wrote a letter to a walker I met along the way at the Avon walk who said something that was kind of hurtful, though I assume she didn't mean it.

August
August was a busy month around here. On the blog I participated in a writing tour that was so fun nad gave me a chance to introduce you to a couple of bloggers and maybe see a bit more about my writing process. In August, Miss 12 and I went to the state fair as she was sent with a 4H project she made. August was also when I was struggling to get more organized, and not doing so well LOL! We also had a family trip to Arlington Park and had a great time.
August was also when I wrote a note in which I declared I'm Just a Person after reading an article where another celebrity made it seem like going through breast cancer made us all amazing people who could do things never before possible and blah, blah, blah.

September
September was a month in which I felt, well, basically awful for most of it. But I also went out to New Hampshire with the two younger kids and celebrated my middle child turning 12! I also had a few sentences in a Glamour article about young breast cancer patients and their decision to, or not to, get a double mastectomy.

October
October was a busy month. The husband was working a seasonal second job. Everyone was tired. But we had a great Halloween and my oldest turned 15. Which still blows me a way because I swear she was just born yesterday. The boy and I also did some exploring of a local nature park and I marveled at how much he is growing up too.

November
November was a hugely busy month on the blog as I participated in NaBloPoMo and blogged every single day in the month. I posted pics from the vacation in September. The family and I went to ChiTAG, again. And loved it, again. Thanksgiving happened. I did a lot of knitting and sent a lot of fun packages to people. I ranted against celebrities saying what I feel are ridiculous things about breast cancer. I also had some cancer recall thanks to a book I was reading and a tv show I was watching.

December
I spent a lot of time knitting my sweater for Save the Children. My baby turned 9, which was emotional for me. Christmas happened - decorations were put up, house was cleaned,and Christmas Eve was hosted here. Lots of time with family and parties to go to. Ringing in the new year. And I compared the holidays before cancer and now. I also wrote a letter, in general, for those going through hard times.

Phew. There's my 2014! Can't wait to see what 2015 brings!