I might be crazy ...

Well, okay, I think we can take the might out of this title.
I decided today to join in NaBloPoMo

I sorta, kinda, remember seeing this in the past,  but not paying enough attention to it all. And then I saw it today, asked about it, and decided to join. Which, um, will be interesting because my surgery was Monday. I'm still pretty sore {and taking pain killers} from it and can't move my right arm very well yet. So we'll see how this goes. In theory though, things should only get better from here, so I should be able to pull this off. That said, so far, recovery is two steps forward, one step back. But even still, at the end of the day, that's one step gained and for that I'm grateful.

However, I really honestly thought, I'd take a day or two and be back 100%. Um, yeah. If we switch day to week, I might be spot on. So I'm a bit bummed that here we are, 3 days out, and I still spent most of today in bed. My family is being very patient and very kind to me. I think my husband had more realistic expectations in his head than I did. {But he's a smart man, so this shouldn't surprise anyone}.

So, I'll be here, writing away. Hopefully not complaining too much, and with something interesting to say.

Xoxo,
Brandie

Asking for Help

Mister Man, happy to help make a cake!

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

I struggle with it, and I know other people who struggle with it too. And yet, even though we have a difficult time asking for help, most people are willing, and probably eager to help out.

The thing is, I always thought asking for help was admitting defeat, or saying I was weak, or not capable enough to do it on my own. I wish I could go back and tell myself that asking for help simple means I needed a bit of help.

I suppose, if nothing else, the last 18 months have taught me to ask for help. I resisted at first. I didn't ask people for anything specifically. My mom set up meals for us, and even though she was the one asking, it felt awkward at first. People offered to come clean, to drive places, to watch the kids, and so many times I turned it down.

I can't lie: I wish I hadn't. The truth is we could have used the help. Sure, we got by and we survived, but things might have been much smoother if I had been more vocal. But then we hit a point where I had to ask. So I asked if someone could come help me clean, and an aunt came over and helped me. I cleaned with her though so it felt less awkward because you know, at least I wasn't sitting around and just watching. But then there came the day I needed help cleaning and all I could do was sit on the couch and watch. It felt horrible. Two women from the church came over and cleaned - one a breast cancer survivor herself - and I hated every single second of it. When they finished, I just burst into tears. But they came over and assured me that I didn't need to cry - they understood, they didn't feel bad, and in fact they felt better since they could do something to help out.

I think that's the moment it all clicked - most people like to help. They want to do something. As someone told me later, she couldn't take the cancer away, but she could cook for us. And I get it. Last week I was cooking dinner for another family and offering to take their children for a while and drive them to their activities. It wasn't a hardship for me, in fact, I only wish I could have done more. A few weeks ago I drove a friend to the doctors. And while we were driving she teared up, and I got it - I went back to that moment of sitting on my couch crying because people were cleaning my house. But I was happy to drive her. In fact, I joked that it was about time someone needed me because I have a big debt to repay for all the help we've gotten ;-)

It still feels a bit awkward asking for help. With that in mind, over the weekend I went to facebook and simply asked if someone local could help us out today (Monday). With myself getting surgery, I realized, if I could just get a dinner for today, it would help out so much. And wouldn't you know it, right away, dinner was arranged. And dinner for tomorrow and probably Wednesday. And let me tell you, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Could we get by without it? Well, yes, we could. But I would have worried about it. The husband would have worried about it. And well the kids, although not too worried about meals, were a bit worried about trick-or-treating.

I share this because as I said earlier, I know plenty of others who also struggle with asking for help. So my advice is suck it up, and ask. People are good. And they want to help. And if you need it, you shouldn't be afraid to get it.

Tents and reading

This week has been a good week. And I'm not just saying it to say it. I actually mean it, which is a nice feeling.

It hasn't been perfect for sure, but it's been full of some good times. I was able to get together with some family and friends that I don't see nearly often enough. I've been able to mostly keep up around the house - which means my house isn't as trashed as it normally is. And, I've had some fun moments with the kids.

This week we did a lot of "tent" building. We used sheets, chairs, clips, a coffee table, a foot rest and pillows to make a great little space to crawl into.



I don't do this kind of thing with my kids nearly enough. And let me tell you, they were thrilled with it. Seriously, they were just tickled pink.

So we hung out in it. I dubbed it our reading tent. See, Mister Man isn't into reading as much as I'd like him to be. He isn't always enthusiastic about reading - but in our reading tent? He's totally game.



Miss M and I sat and knitting while he read some Commander Toad and the Planet of the Grapes to us. Naturally, we decided being in our reading tent, reading about grapes clearly meant we should be eating grapes too. So we did. ;-)

Then, we listened to the first quarter of The Wizard of Oz on audio. Which was so fun. I remember reading it with my 12 year old when she was younger too. {Related: when did she grow up? I kind of miss the days when she was little!}



My front room was a bit messy for a few days. And I still have a pile of sheets and blankets waiting to be washed. But we had a grape time {get it, grape ;)}. Who knows. Maybe this weekend we will need to make a new tent so we can listen to some more Wizard of Oz.

Here we ago again

Next Monday I will go for surgery. Again.

For those keeping track {which I'm sure is just myself and my husband} this will be the 4th surgery since June and the 7th in 18 months. And if all goes well, there will be one more surgery coming after this.

I'm mostly excited about this surgery. I'm getting a tissue expander put in, which basically means I'll be back to two boobs. We'll get it expanded to just the right size and then it will switched out {along with the one I have on the left side} with permanent implants. This is a good thing. It really is and I'm happy. It will nice to not need to be in the middle of the grocery store and be struck with panic that I forgot to my prosthetic on {which has happened more often than I care to admit}. I will feel a little more womanly having two boobs and not just one.

But. But. There is a part of me that does not want to go under again. I don't want my husband to miss work to schlep me back and forth to surgery. I don't want my kids to miss their activities because I won't be able to drive for a few days and the husband can't miss any more work than is absolutely necessary. I don't want to have another surgery to go.

Mostly though I just want to be done with all of this and for it to be behind me. Because as I said before, I'm just tired of it all.

But at the end of the day I will be happy to have this surgery behind me and probably be anxious for the next step to come.

On a related note, I know things have been a bit doom and gloom around here. This month has been quite the emotional one - four friends have been diagnosed with cancer. Every time I hear of a new diagnosis it weighs so heavy on my heart. I don't want my friends to have to go through any of this. I mean, I don't want anyone to have to go through this. I wish I had the power to fix it and make it all better. I can't and so I will have to settle for just being to do what I can to help out.

And in the meantime I have a whole slew of emotions I need to work through and will probably dump them all here.

Tired.

I realized something today. I'm still pretty angry over all that has happened. I still haven't accepted it. In fact, I'm downright pissed.

I feel cheated. I feel like my family is being cheated. I'm still dealing with side effects. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of abnormal blood tests. I'm tired of talking about the next surgery. I'm tired of doctor's appointments and blood draws and of taking medicines that fix one issue but cause other issues. I'm tired of hormones and of hot flashes. I'm tired of having one boob. I'm tired of having no nipples. I'm tired of my husband having to pick up the slack for me around the house. I'm tired of not being able to always do the things I wish I could. I'm tired of the stiff joints. I'm tired of the sore arm. I'm tired of so much lately. And it's making me angry. 

I wish I could wake up and discover this has all been in fact a bad nightmare. It's not. I know. And eventually I will accept it and the anger will dissipate, but for now, it's there and it's strong.

The hardest part of all of this is I'm often reluctant to share all of this. Instead I stuff down and then wham, one day I unleash on some unlucky victim. Which isn't fair to that person. I know there are some safe people I can share this stuff with. But I've also learned that there are some people I can't share it with. I get it. People are working through their own stuff and may not have room for mine. Some people only have room for the good, the up-lifting, etc. And often, cancer is romanticized, right?

I mean, frankly, wasn't I supposed to get cancer then use that to show me what's truly important in my life, have a huge life changing epiphany and then go out and do some major good in this world with my new-found knowledge, bringing joy and love to everyone I come in contact with.

Or you know, maybe I'm just barely getting through the day and I'm too damn tired to have any epiphanies right now. Or I might not be feeling particular grateful. Or particularly talkative. Or particularly happy. I may even need to vent a little bit. This is my cross to bear. This is something I need to work through.

And I am trying to work through it. I'm trying to not be all doom and gloom. I don't want to be so angry about it all. But at the same time, I also need to balance that with being true to how I am feeling, even when it's not pleasant.