On My Mind

Cancer has been on my mind a lot lately.

Okay, it's kind of pretty much always on my mind ever since I was diagnosed. And even though the cancer is now gone, the side effects of treatment linger and so it's hard for me to "get over it" or to "just stop thinking about it!"

As luck would have it, the current book I'm reading includes the wife dying of cancer - it is in the background, a subplot I guess, it has already happened and all we have is the narrators comments about how it was sprinkled through the main story.

The TV show, which I am binge watching via streaming, also just had one of the big female characters diagnosed with cancer.

And just like that, in the blink of an eye, cancer is in my face.

And the book and show are causing a recall effect for me.

In cancer treatment, there is this thing called radiation recall. If you have radiation first, and then chemotherapy within (I think) 6 months, the chemo can cause your body to recall the radiation side effects and you will experience them again. Now, I did chemo first, but when I did radiation, they warned me the reverse could happen (to a much lesser degree) but I might feel like I did after chemo.

It is strange and weird. I have no idea how it happens, but it does. And it's annoying.

These books and movies are causing me to have what I will now call cancer recall.

When she has to tell her husband she has cancer, I am instantly in tears thinking I have to tell my husband all over.

When she tells her mom, the same thing.

Her hair falling out, suddenly I remember when my hair started to go - how I used to walk around the neighborhood several times a day, combing my fingers through my hair to get out as much as possible so it wouldn't be all over my house because I wasn't ready yet to just shave it all off.

When she shaved her hair, I am back in my bathroom, sitting in my tub, as my husband shaves my head and I have to tell him to stop for a minute because I am just not ready, even though I don't really have a choice and we have to finish, but damn-it, I just need a moment.

When she is bed, sick from chemo, I remember being in bed, sick with chemo.

When she is getting her infusion, shivering, wanting people to talk to her to distract her and yet wanting everyone to just be quiet because being in this chair, getting these medicines, was never part of the plan, I am there too.

And yet, when I get a chance to step out of my own head, what hits me the hardest is not what she is going through, but how the show is portraying her husband going through it and her mother and her siblings. I wonder is that how my family felt. Did they have breakdowns like that when I wasn't around to see them. Did they carry this enormous weight of fear and anxiety but somehow manage to tuck most of it away in an effort to care for me?

It is almost too much to bear honestly.

Yes, I know it's television. Yes, I know things work differently in the real world. Trust me, I am aware at many of the inaccuracies of how cancer is played out on tv, and yet, it gets me right in the gut and right in my heart.

Because I haven't moved on from cancer. Even though I have. I am not stuck back where I was three years ago, but a tiny part of my brain still is. Most of it isn't, thankfully, but sometimes, sometimes everything just comes flooding back and it takes over.

I think it's natural. Or I hope it's natural. I think time makes it better, though I'm only 3 years out here, so that's not much time. I'd really like to get a lot of time from this ... 30 years maybe? That would be nice. I imagine that there will always be a piece of my mind that is in Cancerland. I imagine stories and shows and movies with cancer will always touch a special place, but hopefully someday I can get through them without completely bawling.  

ChiTag

 **Note: I was provided the tickets to ChiTAG. However, all thoughts and opinions are my own!

On Saturday, the family and I woke up early and headed into Chicago to go to ChiTAG (Chicago Toy and Game Fair).

This is our 3rd or 4th year going ... I can't keep track!

Once again we loved it!

While we were there, the boy and I hung out together and my husband was off with the girls (as you'll see from the pictures!) This works better because the girls are more into sitting and playing and the boy is still about walking around and seeing everything! 

The Girls playing Donkey

We came home with two games: One called Donkey - which is a fun twist on Spoons. The other is called Pompeii.

We played and tested out a lot of toys - Legos, hex bugs, go karts.

The boy and I got sniffed by Zoomer Dino.

I took part in a puzzle competition (that I apparently did not win, insert sad face here).

I got to see a lot of friends from the area.

And the kids had a great time.

I seriously love ChiTag and I love to see all the great games that are out there.

We came home and decided that we haven't actually been playing our games enough lately, so we're going to try to sit down every Friday, after dinner but before Shark Tank, and try to play a game or two. I will report back how this goes and try to share some of our more favorite games to play!

It's nice that the kids are growing up now - it opens up a lot more games that we can all play together.

 

Random Things

Yesterday I promised I'd share about ChiTag today, except then I got hit with a massive headache, so instead, I'll give a series of random things from November so far.

1. I tried to make homemade yogurt this month. I ended up making room temperature milk. I will try again though. I swear.

2. I did make the best batch of chicken broth I've ever made last week. I guess it balances out the yogurt!

3. I'm so far behind on knitting projects that I am not sure I'll ever catch up, but I'm knitting my fingers off as often as I can.

4. I'm bummed I'm behind because I'd like to actually catch up and get to the point where I can sell my knitting. Maybe not a lot, but a couple things a month wouldn't be so bad.

5. I'm motivated to sell knitting because I'm currently saving for a new camera. I've been saving since the start of this year. I was hoping to be able to buy in time for Christmas, but at the rate I've been able to save, it might be more like Easter before I get it.

6. Last week I learned my cholesterol was high. So I had to get a fasting lipid test to see a breakdown of numbers. Still no results back yet. Boo.

7. I still haven't made the dress I talked about making here. Maybe this weekend?

8. I started playing this game called 2 Dots. Have you played it? Do you like it? I mostly like it, until I get stuck on a level for too long!

9. I've been dreaming lately of going to New York. A lot. It's completely and totally out of the cards, but if my dream could come true: I would go to New York with two suitcases - one full, one empty. I would see the sites: Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Empire State, World Trade Center Memorial, etc. I would see one Broadway show, maybe a second. And I would visit Mood and buy enough fabric to fill most of the empty suitcase but actually fill the rest with yarn from some shop or another. Again, it won't happen. But I can dream, can't I?

10. I've been unable to really get into books lately. I started a few but just can't get into them (including Gone Girl and The Goldfinch). I hope that soon I can find a book to really sink my teeth into.

Today

Today was a long day for me.

I just wasn't feeling one hundred percent.

We had a fabulous day yesterday at the Chicago Toy and Game Fair (I'll share more tomorrow) and once again, we loved going.

But today was my recovery day for that outing.

Which made me wonder if this is how the holiday season is going to go for me.

One day of fun.

Followed by one day of feeling not so great and needing to recover.

Which made me think about how the iron test went.

Which made me sad.

Which made me sad it's the holidays, even though I do actually love the holidays.

And that made me kind of wish I could maybe go to bed today and wake up in mid-January.

I know, I know ... I'd miss all the fun.

But I'd miss the price I pay for that fun.

I still haven't found a lot of good balance between getting everything I need done with the rest I need to be getting.

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It is Thanksgiving on Thursday.

I also spent today planning the menu and making my shopping list (minus the turkey, which we bought already).

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

I've got good people in my life.

Really good people in my life.

In addition to that, I've got a lot of good things in life. I do not want for anything that is required to live. Not to mention all the wonderful extras I've got.

And I am truly thankful.

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I'm trying very hard to balance both halves of my life right now: the half that is so grateful for so much. And the half that is so upset about so much.

I feel like this balance should come easier to me, but it just isn't.

I will keep trying though. I'm not giving up. And I'm not really going to climb into bed for 2 months. Every day I will press on and try to hold the great moments to the front and center.

Because each day isn't going to be smooth, or perfect, or bump-free, but each day will be enough. 

A nightly mantra

Every night, as I am trying to fall asleep, I repeat in my head "I am healthy. I am strong. It's time to rest, relax, and heal."

Every night I say this.

Every night I don't believe this.

Every night I say this hoping, just hoping that somehow the mere act of saying it will make it true. And I will wake up believing it.

But I don't.

And I'm so frustrated and sad and angry and disappointed with so much of my body and it's seemingly inability to act the way I want it to.

I'm also grateful and happy and thankful for it too. My body has let me do lots of things, and after all it's been through, I can still wake up every morning and walk downstairs and get myself and my family breakfast.

I'm very aware that that makes me quite lucky.

And yet, once again, I find myself quite upset with the parts of my body that are not working.

I really wanted the iron challenge this week to go well. I really want to have more energy. I really want things to stop aching.

So I say my mantra every night.

I don't believe it can change anything except for what I believe. And I really hope that there is a moment where I say it so much, I just really believe it and start to feel it.

I am strong. I am healthy. It's time to rest, relax, and heal.