Some Days Are Hard Yo

I know I am not unique in this, but some days are just so hard.

I've had a string of hard days here lately, and I can't lie, it's all weighing heavily on me.

Actually, it's been a long summer. I've been sick off and on, run down, worn out. There have been many doctors appointments and more tests than I think is fair.

Yes, I said it, it's all completely unfair. I know, oh, I know that no one ever said life would be fair, yadda-yadda-yadda. I don't really care. I still think it's completely unfair.

That aside, let me tell you how my Tuesday went. My 14 year old, as she was getting ready for school "Mom, you text or message me if you need anything today, okay?"

My 14 year old. A child (who would be mortified to know I called her a child, but she is) who should be light-hearted and thinking about school and all the things high schoolers think about, asking me to let her know if I needed anything.

Pardon me for a moment while I say, this is so fucked up.

You see this weekend was an awful couple of days for me. A migraine, followed by a day of not being able to stand up without getting dizzy, followed by a general not feeling well, followed by the most excruciatingly painful migraine I've had ever in my life. I mean, we were about to go to the ER when the meds kicked in or the headache passed (just as suddenly as it arrived).

And you know who was here most of the time helping me through it? My 14 year old.

This is about the point that I start to feel a bit ragey inside and really, really start to think that this is all incredibly unfair.

But we muster through it. Her and I talk. I tell her this is unfair, that I think this has changed her. She comments that everyone has hard times and that everything in her life has shaped her, not just this.  She says it's fine and deflects to talk about how I'm doing.

Because my 14 year old is wise beyond her years.

She mothers me. She figuratively holds my hand. She stays nearby, on the watch, trying to predict if I will need something: food, water, a bucket, medicine. She calls her father (my husband) to let him know what is going on. She tells her brother to keep it down and to not bother me.

These are the things I should be doing for her if she gets sick.

But no, in this house, often she is picking up slack for me and helping me.

And it sucks so very, very much.

I say things like, I hope this makes her more empathetic as an adult; a caring, understanding person; that somehow this will make her a better person. Which is silly because she is already a better person. But she is also still 14. And I hate that she takes on this responsibility. Just once I'd like her to throw a fit, to get a "NO! I don't want to vacuum! You do it!"

I'm sure that sounds weird, but it's what a 14 year old is supposed to do. But she doesn't. She knows. She knows that I need the help. She knows I'm not making her do stuff just to make her do stuff. She, as I've said before is wise beyond her years. She always has been - even as a young child we often said this about her. I know she is still her, her essence. But I know that my cancer and subsequent sickness has shaped her.

Because some days are hard. They are so hard for me. And I know they are hard for my family. I don't live in a bubble. Things that happen to me do not stay just with me. It ripples out. I see it and hear it from my husband, from my parents, from friends. There is worry there. It still exists.

Everyone knows I'm "okay" but they are also aware that I'm not. They are aware of the hard days, the bad days, the sad days. They love me through them and support me the best they can. And I'm so incredibly grateful for that.

But some days are hard. And there is no getting around it. They are just hard.

I press on. We all press on. We cling to the days that are not hard, or are not as hard.

Because it's not fair. But it's life. We can't pick the hand we are dealt, only play what we are given. So we do the best we can each and every day.

Some days that means the 14 year old asks me to text her if I need anything. Thankfully, most days it means I ask her to text me if she needs anything.

What I'm streaming August

*As a reminder, I am part of the Netflix StreamTeam. I am being compensated for sharing about Netflix with you, but all stories shared are true and all thoughts and opinions are my own!

When I was a kid, I watched the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit with a couple of cousins. We all LOVED the movie! In fact, that year for Christmas, I was given a Roger Rabbit ornament that I had until a few years ago, when it finally broke.

Needless to say, I was head over heels in love with that crazy rabbit.

Also, I kind of felt pretty brave in getting to the end of the movie. The ending can be a bit, well, scary. I mean, it's not that scary, but when you are 9 years old, it feels a bit, scary. But I managed to make it to the end and not only survive watching it, but liking it.

So, you can imagine how happy I was when the husband came home from work last week and told me that he learned Netflix was now streaming the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit. And I was even more thrilled when he said we should sit down as a family Saturday night and watch it.


Saturday, we picked the two youngest kids up from camp. A pretty awesome camp - Camp Kesem - a not-for-profit camp for kids who have a parent who had/has cancer. It is a great week for the kids to get away and just have fun and yet, a safe space to share how cancer has impacted them. This is our second year sending the kids to camp. And since it was our second year, we knew they would come home totally hyped up as they told us every. single. thing. that happened at camp and they would eventually crash out of pure exhaustion. So Saturday night was the PERFECT night to watch a movie in our house.

We all gathered around the tv, turned on netflix and started streaming the movie. Everyone was hooked. Even the 14 year old watched most of the movie with us, which felt really nice. We laughed, we gasped, we followed along with the story. I, having not seen the movie in a really long time, forgot just how, um, curvy Jessica was drawn. I never, as a kid, understood the scene where she plays pat-a-cake (neither did 2/3rds of my kids!). And despite watching it with adult eyes, I loved every minute. Even the part where my 8 year old (who isn't much younger than I was when I watched it the first time) leaned over, squeezed my hand, and whispered "This movie is really good, but a little bit scary," and I squeezed his hand back because I knew exactly what he meant.

It was a wonderful Saturday night, and a perfect wrap up to the kids week away. For me, it was a good way to have them close to me for a few hours after missing them so much all week too! I love sharing with the kids the shows and movies I watched, the books I read, the games I played as a kid. They don't always like what I liked at their age, but Roger Rabbit definitely hit the mark for all of us!

Writing Tour Update

First, forgive me, as I'm a bit late to share this with you!

When I participated in the Blog Tour a few weeks ago, I tagged two fellow bloggers that I love: Angie and Carol Anne. I told you when they answered the questions, that I would share with you!

So here I am, finally remembering to do so!

Carol Anne wrote about it here.
Angie wrote about it here.

I hope you'll take a few minutes to go learn some things about them. I loved reading their posts and learning more about how they write and create.

On another note, I now have in my possession, things that both these amazing ladies created. When I was in chemo, Angie sent me this lovely piece of embroidery. I can't tell you how much it cheered me up and just made me feel so good inside. I was lucky that a lot of people wrapped their arms around me and often sent little notes, cards, books, scarves, gifts to me. And this is one of the lovely items I received. Before we moved, it was in our living room, so I could see it every day! We haven't found a home for it in the new house, but I'm working on it. I snagged a wall and talked to the husband about filling it with all sorts of lovely things that inspire me (as I can see it from my sewing/craft area).

Another thing that will be going on that wall is this lovely cardinal photograph. Carol Anne took this picture and sent me a copy. As I said before, I love her photography and I'm SO excited that I will have one of her gorgeous photographs hanging on my wall. As a bonus, cardinals are extra special to me, so I couldn't ask for a better photograph to put on my wall. It just arrived at the end of last week, so I need to get it framed so I can get it hung!

This connection that I have to both of these woman, who I've never met in person, is real and is deep and I'm so grateful for it. This is the beauty of blogging, of being on twitter, of social media for me - it's the connections I've made with other people. They are priceless. Sometimes things are so different, and yet, there is always something there to connect us. Sometimes there are a lot of things there to connect us and we can joke that we must have been separated at birth! Sometimes I like to joke that my computer is really important to me because all my friends live in it, and while they all don't, a good number of them do. I've got some pretty amazing people in my life because of the internet!

A wee bit of crocheting

While knitting will always be number one in my heart, I do sometimes like to take a break and get some crocheting done. I especially like to do some crochet for baby blankets, and so I whipped this lovely blanket up a few months ago.

This blanket was especially important for me to make. I can't say why here, but I can say this: all the stars aligned and the making of this blanket was perfect. And will always feel a bit special to me.

Even though this blanket is going to a little girl, I wanted to make it gender neutral, in case that little girl gets some siblings someday and mom will want to wrap the next baby up. Also, I looked at the gift registry and saw the bedding they picked had a lot of brown in it. It was both, but the first reason sounds so much more romantic, right?

Anyway, this blanket whipped up pretty quickly. I added one more repeat of the pattern so it would be a bit bigger. (I do that a lot because I want these blanket to last for longer than the newborn phase). It was an easy pattern to follow and nice to make. I did misread the pattern at first so I had to restart it once, but thankfully I figured it out pretty quickly!

I love this blanket. Here are the details:

• Pattern name: Peter (you need a ravelry account to view it. Which, if you knit or crochet you should have. And it's free, so win-win!). 
• Yarn used: Caron simply soft ... I think 4, I didn't pay attention
• Hook: H
• Modifications: added one more repeat of the pattern to the width of the blanket

Overall, I'm really pleased with how this blanket turned out! 

And They're Off

The entrance

A few weeks ago, the kids and I were invited to Arlington Park.

Having lived in the Chicago suburbs for essentially my whole life, I always knew Arlington existed, but I had never been! The kids had been with my husband before, but I had never been. So when invited, I decided we would go. Which, turns out, was a fabulous decision!

Mister Man watching a race

First a little history. We have family ties to the racetrack. My husband's great grandfather was the head electrician there for over 20 years. His grandmother has stories about being there as a child. She also worked there as a young adult. We have tables in our shed that came from the racetrack. They were given to my husband's grandfather, after as a firefighter he helped fight a fire there.

Hanging out at the table

All of this to say, that there are some strong family ties to the track. And while the family talks about the track on a fairly regular basis, I had yet to actually go there. So it was kind of exciting to be going there for the first time! 

Pre-race Parade

Fridays, the admission price is discounted, and you are allowed to bring your own food in. We did bet a little, but of course, that isn't required. I could have spent 5 hours there, with the two kids, for $12 whole dollars (assuming I brought my own food and didn't place a bet). Definitely, a fun time in my price range!

We found a great little table to hang out at between races. It was close to where they do the pre-race parade. Which was nice because we'd walk over, see the horses, place our bets (a whole 2 dollars on each race. I'm telling you, I'm a big spender!), then go walk by the finish line to see the race. For one race, we went up to the grandstands to see the race. Mister Man liked being up there the best, but the rest of us preferred to be down by the finish.

The horses are gorgeous! If I say they are positively majestic, will that sound too cliche? Well, even if it does, they were majestic. Miss M was also very thrilled to see quite a few female jockeys. Okay, okay, me too!

The start of the race is fun to watch. As they get all the hoses into the gates. Once that last horse is in though, bam, that race starts without hardly a pause! The first few races started at a point very close to were we could stand. The rest started at other spots (because the races are different lengths and some are on the dirt and some on the turf).

But let's be honest. The real excitement is at the end. You can get pretty close to the finish line too. For almost every race, we were down there as close to front and center as you can get. I should specify here, this is for the races on the dirt. The races on the turf were on the inside track, and we didn't have the ability to cross the dirt track to get there!

View from the grandstand

Some of the races were REALLY close. Some weren't. In one race, one horse was disqualified (or something. I'm not going to lie, I didn't really hear what happened) other than at the end of the race 3 horses were first, second, third and 5 minutes later, a different horse was third place.

There were lots of people in derby hats. Some people dressed up. We went in very casually dressed. Which was fine too. I wanted to get a derby hat - some of them are so pretty - but couldn't find one I liked and could afford. I did try a bunch on though and that was fun!

All in all, we had a great afternoon at the racetrack. I'm anxious to get out there again at least once more this racing season (maybe twice if it's in the cards!)

As a side note, while we were at the track, I shot all my photographs in manual. I still don't have down 100%, but I am pretty proud of how a few of my pictures turned out!