A journey of 1000 stitches begins with just one ....

A small break ....

2012-02-13T23:45:00.000-06:00

My dear readers ... I'm going to take a break from the blog for a few days. Maybe even for a few weeks. We'll see.

It's nothing bad ... I just feel like I need a break from blog writing right now. I'll try to check in on facebook, so if you aren't already, follow me here. =)

xoxo,
Brandie

Let's Act.

2012-02-08T09:00:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I mentioned we need to do more, we needed to do better.

Today, I'm going to ask you, my dear readers, to do something very simple. And I'm going to ask that you pass it on to all of your friends and ask them to do something simple.

Today, I'm asking you to please, please join the Army of Women. From their website:

The Dr. Susan Love Research Foundation's Love/Avon Army of Women is made possible thanks to a grant from the Avon Foundation for women.
Our revolutionary initiative has two key goals:
To recruit one million healthy women of every age and ethnicity, including breast cancer survivors and women at high-risk for the disease, to partner with breast cancer researchers and directly participate in the research that will eradicate breast cancer once and for all.
To challenge the scientific community to expand its current focus to include breast cancer prevention research conducted on healthy women.
Join us in this movement that will take us beyond a cure by creating new opportunities to study what causes breast cancer—and how to prevent it.

You do NOT have to have had breast cancer to join. You just have to be a women, willing to fill out a form, get an e-mail from time to time, and if you are so moved and eligible, through this site you can participate in research going on right now. To learn more about breast cancer.

I am a member of the site, along with 363,625 other women. The goal? Is to get one million women signed up. Late last year I even participated in a study that I learned about through Army of Women.

So go over there, check out the website, and join. And ask your friends. And ask them to ask their friends. It's a small thing that could make a huge difference.

xoxo,
Brandie

Heavy heart ....

2012-02-07T08:38:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, the world lost two amazingly strong, smart, caring women. Both women lost their lives to stage IV breast cancer. Both women were strong leaders in the breast cancer community. A huge hole has been left.

Susan Niebur, of Toddler Planet, is survived by her husband and her two boys. Her boys are very close to my own son's age. I can't imagine the pain they are feeling right now. Susan lived with inflammatory breast cancer for the past 5 years. She was an amazing voice and shared so much with so many. I actually came to know her (via the internet) before my own diagnosis. And was even then amazed by her strength. When I was diagnosed, she reached out to me, even though she was dealing with her own health issues. She had kind and comforting words to share. Susan will be greatly missed. She was a powerhouse in the blogging world.

Rachel Cheetham Moro, of The Cancer Culture Chronicles, also passed away yesterday. I didn't know Rachel as well as I knew Susan. I came to know Rachel through a weekly chat on twitter for breast cancer. Rachel was a smart woman, and feisty. She was an incredible writer who brought attention to many issues in the breast cancer world. I've read many of her blog posts and just had to nod my head in agreement with all she said. She, like Susan, was a powerful voice in the breast cancer. And will also be greatly missed.

I can not believe we lost both of these women yesterday. My heart is so heavy and I've shed many tears. I will miss them. And am sending many prayers and much love to their families today.

*Here's where I'd like to remind you that in addition to these two lovely women, about 108 other women passed away because of breast cancer yesterday. 110 women will die today. And 110 will die tomorrow. Everyday, 110 families lose incredible women to breast cancer. Pink ribbons are not enough anymore. We need to do more.

Going Red

2012-02-03T15:50:00.001-06:00

Did you know that heart disease kills more women than all cancers combined? Scary when you think about it. And heart health is on my mind a lot lately as some of my treatments are not kind to my heart. I have to get my heart tested every 3 months. So I definitely am aware of my heart health!

Well, February is National Heart Health Month. Today is wear go Red for women day. Okay, okay, I must admit, I am not wearing red today, but my spirit is full of lots of red. {in my defense, I am not leaving my house and I used to have red shirts, but none of them fit me anymore}.

Anyway, later this month I will be celebrating Heart Health Month by going to the 2nd annual Girls Night Out. It's being sponsored by Sassy Moms in the City, B96, KHits and WBBM News Radio. And I can't wait to go! I wasn't able to attend last year, but I know everyone who went? Had an amazing time!

So, here's how you can join in the fun ... click here to RSVP. Tickets are $30, but all ticket proceeds go to American Heart Association "Go Red for Women" campaign. It's going to be amazing! I hope I see you there =)

Disclaimer: I am being given a complementary ticket to share this information with you. But, all my opinions remain my own!

Positive Attitude

2012-01-31T09:48:00.000-06:00

So, today's post might be a bit ranty. I apologize in advance, but I just have to let this out. It's come up a few times recently - both in comments people have said to me {but, I'm grateful to report that the comments were few} and in talking to other cancer patients, so I just feel like it needs to be said. Because it's important to those of who are struggling - with anything by the way, not just cancer - that people can acknowledge and agree with what I'm about to say.

A positive attitude will NOT cure cancer. It will not make a sick person healthy. It will not raise white blood counts or red blood counts. It does not make tumors shrink.

That's not to say I don't see how a positive attitude is helpful. It certainly can be. However, it is absolutely NOT helpful at all when the person with the positive attitude is completely faking it because s/he feels pressure from the people around him/her to be "happy." It is draining to fake it. It is tiring to fake it.

It also needs to be said, just because I do not have a huge smile plastered on my face, that doesn't mean I do not have a positive attitude. I can have a generally positive attitude, but still have a bad day. The two feelings can be co-existent. Some days suck. Some days I have pain. Some days I'm over-whelmed by what is going on. And so? I might not be smiling. I might even be crying. But that doesn't mean I have a negative attitude. It just means I'm acknowledging my feelings. And that? Is okay in my book.

It also needs to be said, that if I'm being realistic about my cancer? That doesn't mean I don't have a positive attitude. My cancer can come back. That is a reality. It's why oncologists do not call you cured. Because while they may not be able to detect cancer, small cells could still be in my body, waiting to grow. Me acknowledging that? Doesn't mean I don't have a positive attitude. The truth is for some time to come, maybe even forever, in the back of my head will be the thought my cancer can come back. This doesn't mean I've given up on life and refuse to live it. It doesn't mean I'm being negative. I can acknowledge the realities of my health and still have a positive attitude.

It also needs to be said, that if at any time I lose my positive attitude, for whatever reason? That's okay too. I've been what feels like to hell and back. I might not be oh-so positive about it all the time. I might have some very negative feelings. And that's okay. I realize it might be harder for those around me. I get it, negativity can be hard to be around at times. But I, and I think every person really, need to honor my feelings, my experiences, my emotions. And it won't cause my cancer to come back. It won't delay the healing my body needs to do. Might it get in the way of my emotional healing? It might. But you know what, so will faking a positive attitude that doesn't really exist.

Now, I've been really blessed. I am embraced and loved and surrounded by people who let me be exactly who I am - whether it's the smiling happy Brandie, or the sad, crying Brandie. I'm so amazingly blessed by this. I do not feel pressured to fake anything.

But, a few times, by well-meaning folks I'm sure {but who are essentially strangers} have made comments. Or told me to just be happy. That if I just had a better attitude, I'd heal faster. I've also been told about how they knew someone who smiled through all of her treatment, and never got sick or had side effects and was so happy and upbeat and I should try to be like her. (And I've had other breast cancer patients share stories about how they were told that even by their close friends and family. And how hurtful it can be, especially from people close to you.) But no. Being happy won't fix this. Having a better attitude won't heal my body. And I should NOT try to be someone else. Because I am already me.

Now, I know, I know, these things are often said in love. And are meant with good intentions. I do understand that. But I also think that there needs to be understanding that these comments are in fact not helpful to every person. And throwing them around casually, as if being happy or positive, is the solution to the problem is not helpful. This is not say you can't talk about being happy, or talk about people you know who did in fact smile all the way through treatment. I might get jealous hearing about that person but I don't mind the sharing, as long as it doesn't come with an ending that says "be like her!" or "be like him!"

Because I know from experience from all the wonderful people in my life, when you let the person you are talking to just be who they are and not give them expectations to live up to, it will make your bond with them better. They will remember how good it felt to be with you. They will appreciate the fact that you are listening to them, through the good and the bad.

Bucket List

2012-01-30T09:17:00.000-06:00

Over Thanksgiving weekend we traveled to St. Louis to visit some family. We had a very wonderful time (as we always do!). Someday, maybe, I'll have to share pictures because we went to this cute Christmas village that was amazing. But, that's for another date.

We travel down there every Thanksgiving weekend and sometimes in the spring. Usually I'm excited about it because it means 5ish hours of knitting {or some similar project in the car}. This trip was different though ... knitting was out of the question for a variety of reasons - but mostly because I was in pain and just couldn't work on it.

Anyway, I spent the first hour or so pretty much pouting about this. But then I started talking. And my poor husband, because once I get going, I do not stop. And as I was chit-chatting somehow we came around to bucket lists. And right there in the car I started a bucket list! I've never made one before so it was kind of fun. So, without further ado, here is my bucket list!

Go to Las Vegas {no! I've never been before!}
Go on a knitting retreat weekend {or a whole week, I won't be picky!}
Hike a {small} mountain
Take a photography class
Girls weekend {again, I've never done this, but it would be so fun, wouldn't it?}
Go to taping of Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me {it's in Chicago, wanna go with me?}
Learn to play piano
Learn to speak Swedish {what, no one said I had to pick practical things}
Visit Sweden {bet you didn't see that one coming lol!}
Go to top of St. Louis Arch {seen it, driven by it, never been up it!}
Go to top of Statue Liberty {nope, never even been to New York period}
Give back {not sure specifically how. Still searching on this one}
Knit hats for hospital
Enter my knitting into some sort of fair/competition {even if I get last place, I can say I did it}
Attend Blogher {or another similar conference}

My husband informs me some of these aren't BIG enough for a bucket list. So I informed him that he was wrong. And I'm always right. So there. LOL!

And I know at least one of these things will happen this year. It will be fun if I can knock several things off this list, but we'll just have to see how the year unfolds!

Have you made a bucket list? Share!

The Ugly Truth ....

2012-01-27T00:28:00.000-06:00

This week I had to face some ugly truths. In a sum, I think I'm depressed. I think too I've known this for a few weeks now, but I've been in denial. A lot of denial.

And since I'm being completely honest I will tell you I basically feel like I am drowning right now. And there is no life preserver to grab onto. I can't see any boats in the distance coming to rescue me. I feel alone. And like I'm slowly losing steam to keep on treading water.

Which is silly because the truth is I'm surrounded by people who would come rescue me in a heartbeat. And I know that, but still I feel very lonely inside. And defeated. I've not been doing things I should be doing lately. I'm just so exhausted. And worn out. And things just take so much effort. So things get left undone. Oh it starts with letting one thing slide. And then another. And another. Thankfully, we are not to the point where I've let everything slide. Just some things.

Which basically makes me feel like I'm mostly failing. But on the path to completely failing. {Also, I know I'm not really failing. But knowing that and feeling that are two different things}.

Anyway, there's a lot at play here. One of my medicines is probably contributing to this a lot right now. But it's a medicine that's supposed to essentially keep my cancer from coming back. So what do I pick: risking cancer again? Or feeling like crap all the time? {Okay, okay, the decision isn't quite that black and white. There are things we can try to alleviate the symptoms first before I have to make that decision. But still, in my head, that's how it feels.} Of course, as I'll tell anyone who asks, I also feel like I've been to hell and back over the last 9 months. And I'm still recovering from all of that. And so there is a lot going on. A lot of different things that are causing me to feel this way.

I think the toughest part is really, I have a lot of wonderful things in my life right now. I have a lot of things to look forward too. I have an amazing family that is patient and loving and kind. I have friends who are just as wonderful to me. And yet? Inside? I just feel broken. And like I will never be healed. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because shouldn't all the good in my life make me feel good?

The good news in all of this is that I don't have to do it alone. Even though it's so hard to ask for help {also? please someone tell me why it's so hard to ask for help}, help has been asked for. I'd like to say this can all be "fixed" overnight. If only it worked that way. But I'm not giving up. I'm not throwing in the towel. Because, the prettiest truth I've learned: I deserve to feel good inside.

Walking, walking ...

2012-01-26T08:06:00.001-06:00

Walking. I'll be doing a lot of walking here soon.

Someone else suggested I rename the blog Journey of ~~1,000~~ 1,000,000 Steps.

That's because earlier this week I signed up to walk in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Yep, that's right. 39.3 miles in 2 days.

I've been thinking about it for a while. But the truth was I was too scared to sign-up. So many things to worry about: can I really walk that far? Can I meet my fund-raising minimums? Can I really do it?

But, I saw a friend sign-up. And then another (blogless) friend. And I just knew I couldn't let fear hold me back anymore. And also. I had to remind myself, last summer I survived cancer. So, um, this walk? Yeah. It seems much easier to do than that. Not only that, but walking it with friends who are awesome and have been such amazing supporters of me? Umm, how could I NOT sign up.

It's a big deal. I need to start training. The truth is right now I'm not sure I could walk 3 miles, much less 39. But I have time to train. The walk is June 2-3. And our team has swelled to 8 people and is still growing! I'm so excited to participate. I'm still nervous I might not be able to walk the entire distance. But you know what? Even if I have to stop early .... I'll still be participating in an amazing event and doing a wonderful thing!

Anyway, any and all encouragement and good thoughts for this are very welcomed! And if you are so inclined, please feel free to visit my Avon page and see how I'm doing!

Unsung Hero: My children

2012-01-25T09:44:00.000-06:00

My children have simply blown me away this year.

I admit there are often times I feel incredible guilt for getting this cancer that has changed their lives so drastically. Activities they had to stop participating in, places I couldn't take them to, too many days spent inside watching TV because mom was too sick to take them anywhere.

But these three children? Have been so understanding and loving towards me. They don't complain. When I apologize for another missed thing, they hug me and tell me it's okay, they understand, that they aren't mad. When I'm tired they tell me to rest, that they'll behave and my oldest offers to help keep an eye on the youngest. If I ask them to bring me a drink, they do it (mostly) happily!

They have shown me compassion I wasn't expecting from them. I underestimated just how much of this they would understand and just how caring they would be towards me during this time. In hindsight, I shouldn't have. I should have known this is how they would respond. But when we got my diagnosis, I just wasn't sure they would completely understand. And, you know, my son (who is 6) probably doesn't completely understand. But he knows mom is sick and recovering. And that was all he needed to know to understand that I needed extra love. And all three of my precious children have showered me with love this year.

I can't change the fact that I got cancer. I can't go back and take away the days I was sick and couldn't be a great mom to them. But I am so proud of how beautifully they've handled it all. I'm touched by how much they want to take care of me. And I'm thankful that they've been so understanding of everything going on. They are amazing. And I'm blessed to have them as my children.

More on parenting ...

2012-01-24T00:01:00.000-06:00

Some of the stories I share today may be repeats, and if they are, I'm sorry. But they are bouncing around in my head and so I need to get them out.

This parenting gig? Some days it's hard. And then just when you've got it all figured out, the kids change and enter a new phase. And when I was pregnant with my second child, I remember thinking, this is going to be breeze. I've done it once, so clearly I'm an expert now. Oh, my poor naive self. I had no clue back then. The second (and the third) would be so very different I'd feel like I was a brand new parent all over again!

But you push through the hard moments because there are so many beautiful, wonderful moments.

And the truth is none of that changed once I was diagnosed with cancer. There were still hard days - but suddenly the hardest part wasn't my little guy hitting. Or the oldest talking back. No, the hardest part was the side effects that really knocked me down some days. But there were also some sweet moments in there.

I'll never forget when I could hug the kids again after surgery. My son was the first one to get a hug. Even he lit up to finally get a real hug from mom. And then I went and gave the girls each a hug right away too. My 12yo had hit a phase where she didn't really want hugs from me, but she did not turn that hug away that day. I teared up.

Speaking of the 12yo, this summer McDonald's did their Monopoly game to win prizes. My 12yo was relentless about getting to McD's to get as many pieces as possible. I won't lie. I was annoyed by this. And then my mom called - the kids had been with her - and she shared with me that my daughter told her she wanted to win the grand prize and then she'd use the money to pay my medical bills. I was blown away. And also, felt guilty for getting mad at her for asking for McD's all the time!

One day, and this was a bad day. I was in bed, in a lot of pain and also very sick. And I was just crying and crying. And I had told my husband I was going to quit chemo, that I couldn't go on anymore. It was one of the lowest points I hit in the process. At some point Eric had to get up. And I was still crying {although calmed down some} when my 9yo came into our room. And she climbed into bed with me and was holding my hand. And - a moment I'll never forget - she looked right into my eyes and said "Mom, I wish I could make your cancer come into my body so you won't have to hurt anymore." I couldn't even respond I was so touched. It's supposed to be my job to take care of her, to take her hurt and pain away, and there she was, ready to do the same for me.

Speaking of my 9yo, one day I mixed up sidewalk paint for them. And this? This is what she painted on our driveway:

"my mom is a surviver"

My 6yo has also been extra loving to me through all this. He'll come up and rub my arm. But before he does he double checks to make sure it's not the side that hurts. He has shared his favorite blanket with me and given me well-loved stuffed animals to cuddle up with. And I'm here to tell you, there is nothing sweeter than a little one (yes, I still consider him little) sharing their favorite things with you, because they don't like to give them up very easily usually!

Another precious story about him: we were talking about Christmas. He was excitedly telling me all the things he wanted Santa to bring him! And then he stopped. And kind of looked at me and said "But you know mom. I think Santa should bring you the most presents because you had cancer." This is no small thing to say for a 6yo boy who cannot wait for Christmas morning to come.

Those are the moments I will forever treasure in my heart. The truth is more than one day I got out of bed for them. They kept me going, even in the lowest of the low moments. And while they are not perfect, (they are kids after all!), they also showed so much love and kindness and strength this year.

Guilt

2012-01-23T09:46:00.000-06:00

Even if it shouldn't, getting cancer has also left me with an incredible amount of guilt. And even more so when it comes to my kids.

While I also realize I didn't decide to get cancer and therefor it is not my fault {okay, I mostly understand this. But I can't lie, I often wonder if I did do something to cause this}, which means I shouldn't feel guilty, I do.

My children have had to give a lot up because of my cancer. We pulled them out of most of their activities {music lessons, karate, extras} mostly because we knew I wouldn't be in any shape to drive them back and forth. They, though, were understanding about it - not that they wanted to stop, but they understood why and did not complain. Recently the 12 year old has started to ask when we can pick some of these things back up, so I know they are missing them.

There were a lot of things this summer we did not do. I did not take them to the pool. I took them to the park maybe 2 times I think {it's kind of blur}. We didn't go on bike rides and took very few walks. I didn't take them to the water park. We didn't really go for ice cream {although I will interject here that other people stepped up and took care of this one so they did get their fill of it!}. We didn't really go to the library, I didn't read books to them.

I did (and still do) watch too much tv with them. I did (and still do) take naps with them. I did (and still do) cuddle with them. I did (and still do) listen when they needed me to listen. I did (and still do) do what I could as I could. But there are so many days it doesn't feel like enough. And I wonder if they will look back and carry around nothing but bad memories about the past 9 months. I hope they won't. I do feel that through it all we've grown much closer. And I've seen their kind, caring and compassionate side come out. Which, I can't lie, I love and makes me feel so incredibly proud of them.

I know they are resilient. And I know it wasn't all bad for them. And obviously, I am not their only parent, and Eric has been a rock star dad through all of this. Family and friends also helped entertain them when they could.

But even knowing all of that. I can't lie. I am carrying a fair amount of guilt around. I know, I know. Another thing I'll have to work through. Someday, I hope I can unpack it all and let it go. But for now, I worry about them. And how this will affect them. And really? I'm a mom. Can you blame me?

My newest obssession

2012-01-20T09:13:00.000-06:00

So, I have new obsession in my life. It's a television called called Downton Abbey

I first heard people talking about it on twitter and didn't get the fuss. But now? I'm hooked! It's a period drama (set in the early 20th century) set in Northern England {also, someone correct me if I'm wrong}. The show revolves around the Earl and Lady Grantham family, their mother, their three daughters and of course the staff - which there are plenty of. Valets, butler, maid, housemaid, footmen, etc.

And I? Am in love? I'd like to go live there. At Downton Abbey. {Um, no, it is not fictional. Downton exists. And I'm sure the Granthams do too! Okay just kidding. I know it's fiction, but seriously, I'm still going to pretend it's not lol!}

The history woven in it? The titanic sinks! Women fighting for the right to vote! World War I! I'm absolutely hooked. {I also enjoy historical fiction when I read so this shouldn't be a surprise}. My 12 year old is as big of a fan as I am and so she's been watching with me (which I love!). The other two will watch it if they are in the room. And they know some of the characters. Their favorite though is Dowager Countess Grantham but mostly because she is played by Maggie Smith who played Professor McGonagall in the Harry Potter films!

I'm not quite sure who my favorite character is yet. I was really drawn to Mr. Bates. And also to Anna. But I'll leave it at that.

Season 1 is available on netflix and someone said for Amazon Prime members (I'm not positive though because I am not!) and season 2 just started last week. I think the first two episodes can be seen at video.pbs.org if you are curious to see what it's all about! Also, it is worth noting, I was not asked to write this. No one asked me to watch the show. I just love it that much. That I want to tell you about it! =)

Anyway, what are your guilty pleasures right now? Share with me! =)

Merry-Go-Round

2012-01-19T09:47:00.000-06:00

Life is like a merry-go-round these days. There are up days and down days. Except, unlike a merry-go-round where it goes up and down evenly, I feel like I get a bit of time in the up area, and then wham! Back down where I get stuck for a while.

Truthfully, I'm probably just being pulled down to quick these days as I'm sure I'm in a phase with some minor depression {which, after last week, was probably just kind of obvious}. I suppose this shouldn't come as a huge surprise, and yet, it kind of has. Right now there is just a disconnect between my mind and my physical abilities. I want to be doing more. I want to be back to "normal" (whatever that may mean). I want to be up and running around and doing everything I was doing a year ago. But my body? It's not there yet. I get tired easily. I get worn out. I get sore. And this week? I got hit by a virus. At first I thought it was the plague. Then I was convinced I'd be patient zero in the zombie apocalypse. Either way, I was convinced the CDC should be notified right away so they could study what was going on. {Dramatic? Me? Oh, never ;-) }

Alas, it was nothing that serious and instead just the same virus causing havoc all over our area - including with 2 of my children. But boy, has it knocked me out.

And I know I will bounce back. This will pass. More good days are coming. But in the meantime, I'm going to be resting as much as I can!

Unsung Hero: My mom

2012-01-18T09:22:00.001-06:00

This gorgeous woman is my mother. My amazing mother. Who has stood by my side and always has been there for me. I'm so lucky this smart, strong woman is the one who raised me. Okay, okay, so I didn't always appreciate her wisdom or advice in the teen years, but I always knew she was pretty incredible.

But, for the past 9 months she has been even more amazing than normal. She drove me to so many of doctor's appointments. She has helped with the kids. She has been generous with her time and also, completely spoils my entire family! Several times I called her when I was down, and she hopped in her car and drove over here to hug me. I don't know how we could have gotten through this without her help and love and kindness and generosity.

Not only that, but my mom is a survivor too - she had breast cancer when she was 30. Although our treatments were vastly different, cancer is cancer. And it's a scary thing to face. And when you are juggling that, and your family, and your job - it's not easy.

But she is an amazing woman. I'm so proud to call her my mom. I'm so grateful she is always there, by my side, ready with a hug when I need her. It doesn't matter that I'm 32. It doesn't matter that I'm a mom myself. She's my mom. And I'm blessed to have her.

A spark ....

2012-01-17T09:40:00.000-06:00

Last week a small spark began working it's way back into our house. I think opening up here about so many of struggles and feeling helped me release them. And there's no denying it: my body is in full healing mode, which is helping me also emotionally feel better.

On top of all of that, we have some exciting plans for our family this year and planning for them has begun. And that planning? Is making me feel very excited! I kind of wish we could fast forward to May - my big bash and August - big family vacation! Because looking forward to both of these things? I filling me with so much joy. And ideas. Oh my. The ideas - they are flying through my mind.

With the party there are decoration, invites, food, music, tables, a tent, so many things to do. And plan. And lists. Lots of lists to be made. {Ahem. I feel no shame in tell you I've not already done the invite list but made a play-list of music}. This birthday party will be special .. not just because it's my birthday party, but it's my birthday/I kicked cancer's ass party {although we might need to find a less swear word way to phrase it on the invite!}. And husband and I talked and both are in agreement to go big. So big is where we are going.

And vacation? Travel arrangements to make, packing lists to start. Okay, well, I'm not that ahead of the game, but we did book our travel this weekend and I have to say I'm thrilled! In August, all of us are headed out west. We are going to take a train from Chicago to Colorado. We'll hang out there then head to Moab, Utah. At some point we'll go to Four Corners Landmark. Then head back to Colorado and train it back to Chicago. I can NOT wait to go on this trip. I've never been out that way before, neither have the kids. We are all looking forward to it. The only downside is I have several family members out there and there won't be time to see them :( I guess that just means we'll have to go back someday.

Anyway, all of that, has worked together to perk me up. And the extreme heaviness I felt last week has lifted some. I can finally breath again. It's a nice feeling that I'm going to hold on to as long as I can.

Some Pretty

2012-01-13T09:11:00.000-06:00

This has been a heavy week around these parts - at least that is how it has felt to me. So I thought what better way to end the week than to share some of the pretty things I've seen around the web recently!

The first item comes from Tender Lane Etsy Store. I can't lie. I love this dress. I'd buy it in a heartbeat if I thought it would fit me. And no, I have NO idea where I would wear it to. But? If I got it? I think I might wear it just around the house. And feel pretty!

Next up is another etsy find. It comes from Charlotte Lyons. It is a gorgeous embroidery pattern. I can picture so many places this would just look so cute in my house. But, the truth is I need to start a new project about as much as I need another hole in my head.

Now to this lovely sweater that Stephanie of Adventures in Babywearing whipped up for her daughter. I love it! Also, I wish it came larger. I think my 9yo would love it. And oh yeah, I would love it too!

Even though I'm not planning a wedding, I pulled this idea from My Bride Idea. I love it. It's so simple yet beautiful. These may be centerpieces at a party I throw later this year. Or I might just put a couple on our dining room table to make dinner more lovely.

And with Valentine's Day coming up, I thought this pillow from U Create was absolutely lovely. I'd love to tell you I have plans to whip it up this weekend. But I don't think I'll get around to that. I can dream about it though!

Hope you enjoyed the pretty as much as I have. And also? None of the photos are mine ... if you click the picture it will take you to the original blog post/etsy listing/etc =)

Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

No. No it's not.

2012-01-12T08:55:00.000-06:00

Not only have I heard this, but I've said it ... "But hey, it's like getting a free boob job." But here's the truth: No. No it's not. Not at all.

Here's the thing, I say it to lighten the topic. Cancer can be heavy and sad and full of so much bad things. Chemo isn't fun, radiation isn't fun, surgery isn't fun. It's hard. It's difficult. And I think we naturally look to find the bright spots. And in this case the bright spot is a new set of perky boobs (although, not for everyone who goes through this journey. Some can not do reconstruction for medical reasons. Some chose not to because they simply don't want to. I bring this up, because I think it's simply assumed reconstruction will happen and we need to stop making this assumption. But I digress).

This seems like a good trade-off on face value. And truly, I've had people make this comment with a hint of jealousy in their voice. But trust me, there is nothing to be jealous of. And also? It's not free. And oh yeah, it's nothing like a boob job.

Do you know how much cancer has cost? Do you know how many people go into bankruptcy each and every year because of medical issues? And that doesn't even factor in the time cost or the emotional cost. Trust me. It's not free. It's high. It would have been much much cheaper to go to the plastic surgeon a year ago and get surgery. Truly. Even without insurance coverage.

Also. It's not like a boob job. It's not cosmetic. As one friend recently said, it's like being amputated and then undergoing surgery to put in a permanent prosthesis. After my mastectomy I was in the hospital for 5 days. I was on pain killers for quite a few more. I had to exercise to get range of motion back as my arms were essentially useless right after surgery. It took roughly 6 weeks for my range of motion to come back fully. {Some women never get range of motion back 100%}.

Then there are the expanders. Which are put in behind the muscle and skin. And then filled. Do you know what's it like to stretch the muscle and skin out? At first it wasn't so bad. Towards the end it is quite painful. And uncomfortable. And if you get through that process unscathed (meaning the expanders don't pop or leak, or you don't get an infection) then you get to have another surgery where you get final implants. And have you read all the news stories about the issues with implants these days? I've tried to ignore it, but the stories are there. And this is only if you are lucky enough to be able to get expanders put in.

Some women have to have skin moved from either the stomach area or the back area to cover their chest area. More surgery. More recovery.

I know. It's not fun to think about. It's much better to frame it as "a free boob job!" It's happier. It's more fun. Trust me, I get it (remember, I told you even I've said it) But it's also not authentic and so far from the truth. And I think we need to acknowledge that.

Unsung Hero: Eric

2012-01-11T09:36:00.000-06:00

This handsome man is my husband Eric.You've met him before as he's posted a few updates here and there.

Today, I want to take some time to tell you how incredibly amazing this man is. This man has taken such good care of me, frankly the entire time I've known him. I mean, I've always known he is a great man. But for this last 9 months, he's been phenomenal.

He has not only cared for me, but he's managed so many of the kids' things, he has done most of the cleaning since diagnosis (oh yes, laundry, vacuuming, sweeping, dishes), he's taken care of most of the meals. This all on top of his regular work. In October, he even worked a second job part time.

Not once has this man complained. Not once has he even let out a single sigh. (And here's where I admit if the tables were turned, I'd have sighed a few, okay a few thousand, times.) Never has he said anything to make me feel bad or guilty that he has to carry such a large load. He runs out to buy me food if I'm having a craving. Or he cooks for me. He was by my side when I was sick. He has held my hand through the scarier moments. His shoulder is there when I need to cry.

And the best part? When I thank him, or tell him how wonderful he is being (which I try to do often. I don't ever want him to think I take him for granted), he still blushes sometimes. And tells me he's just doing what he should be. That he's just being my husband. He is truly the most humble person I know!

I am so blessed to have him by my side. I love him so much and am so thankful he's here with me. And I just had to share all of this with you. So you would know how wonderful he is too!

A bit of a downer ....

2012-01-10T09:42:00.000-06:00

I'm sure you've noticed that my recent posts are, well, kind of a downer. To me they feel serious and raw as I open up about some of the things that are hard for me to talk about with all of you. Don't get me wrong, I love you all, but it's not exactly easy to share some of these thoughts with you. I type these posts up and hesitate to hit that publish button. I'm terrified you will read these posts and think less of me.

Because, here's the thing. It's so easy to share the good days with you. It's easy to share the wins and the triumphs and the uplifting things. But it's so difficult to share the bad days. The set-backs and the not-good news and the pain of all that is happening. Not only is it hard, but it's scary to open up in ways like that. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer. I don't want people to leave my blog feeling down. But more importantly than that ... I don't want to disappoint anyone.

I know. That sounds strange. Hear me out. So often I'm told how wonderful it is that I can be positive and upbeat through all of this. So I'm reminded that having a positive attitude can help. These things are said in love and care. And I appreciate that so completely. But there's a part of me that has taken those lovely words and twisted them. {And I'm sure this is the same part of me that says I must lose weight to be happy. And my body is now ugly. And someday I will permanently shut this tiny part of me up!}. This tiny part tells me ah, see, everyone expects you to be happy and upbeat. So don't show them anything else. Or they won't like you anymore. The won't want to listen to you anymore. They will get tired of it and leave you all alone.

And these days? That voice is very loud in my head. Despite the fact that I am, in fact, surrounded by so many wonderful people (including you!) who listen to my bad moments, who send me lovely notes, who are there for me right where I am - on the good days and the bad. Right now I'm just stuck in a string of bad days. I can't lie. Surgery was really the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I had it all together until then. Well, okay, I had it mostly together until then.

But I also know that I can't simply smile these things away. That I need to work through them and process them. It's how my brain works. And so, I might be a bit of a downer for a while. That's not fun, I know. It's not much fun for me either. But it is where I am at. And I have to honor these feelings and work through. I don't want to stuff them down and ignore them. That has never worked well for me.

So, bear with me for a bit if you can. If you can't, I understand. The truth is I'll never know you took a break from reading for a few weeks. But also, know this. I haven't given up. I admit, I'm struggling with depression right now. And struggling to process all that has happened. And to deal with this new body. But I haven't given up. But I am going to be true to myself and not sugar coat the things I need to get out there. Because this writing? It's healing for me. It's therapeutic for me. Truly, I don't know where I'd be without it. So I will keep writing. Open and honestly. And I hope you'll come along for the journey - the ups and the downs.

Scars

2012-01-09T09:33:00.000-06:00

The last year has left me with scars. Both ones that are visible to the eye and ones that are invisible, but are there lurking none-the-less.

Some scars are fun to talk about - when we get them from fun things. My daughter has a scar from when she tried to jump over a concrete bench. Which makes us all laugh when we think about it now. I know people who have such fun tales to tell about their scars. I have one on my chin from jumping on furniture. It serves as a warning to my children (okay, okay, not to my son. Nothing will convince him to not jump on furniture it seems).

But these new scars, are different. I have two scars from getting the port put in. Oh they are healing. But we will reopen them when it's time to take the port out. And of course, there is that angry scar line that goes across each breast. It's not a scar that's fun to talk about. It's not one I want to show off to anyone. It comes with no funny tale. One has done some healing and isn't as bright as it used to be. But the other, is new again, and still angry looking and has much healing to do.

But much like my post from Friday, this has been difficult for me to emotionally deal with.

See, here's the thing. Parents all over tell their kids it's not what's on the outside that counts, but what is on the inside. But, we lie. We know that people are constantly judged by their appearance. We, especially women, are bombarded with messages to be thin, have perky nice boobs, white teeth, hair with volume, the right clothes, hell - now we have to have long eyelashes. And oh, don't like those scars you carry? That's okay. Plenty of people are willing to sell you creams to help them disappear.

But some scars can't be erased. They can fade over time. But they will always be with you. And herein lies the problem. I can't lotion these scars away. I can't magically wish them away. They are there, and will always be there. And therein lies the problem. I desperately wish I could get rid of these scars. That my body would be back the way it was 9 months ago.

But I can't go back. I can only go forward. One moment at a time. Some moments are easier than others. And some are very dark and difficult to move through.

The other day I ran across this though "A scar simply means you were stronger than what tried to hurt you." (via @DrBeckerSchutte on twitter). I thought what a beautiful sentiment. And for a few blessed moments, those scars went from being something to be ashamed of and embarrassed by to something to be proud of.

Maybe I'm crazy ....

2012-01-06T00:35:00.000-06:00

maybe I'm not. Either way, I have a lot going on in this head of mine these days, and a lot of it is trying to get out, so I'm letting it out.

When I had my surgery on December 23, the hardest part was not the surgery itself. It's not the recovery (that is still happening) or the physical pain (that is still lingering). No. The hardest part was knowing I'd come out of surgery with my right foob (fake boob that was put in during the original surgery in May) gone. I felt like there was no time to prepare - not physically, not mentally. One minute it was in my body, and the next they were saying "we need to pull it out." And yes, we did need to pull it out. But that hasn't helped me in the emotional department one bit.

My first gut-wrenching moment came Christmas morning. You see, every year we all get new Christmas jammies. It's our thing. And so I went to put on my new pajamas and instantly had to take the shirt off. Here's the thing ... the top was fitted. And I was missing a boob (and still had the drain and the wrap thing they bandaged me with for surgery). So basically, I looked, ridiculous and strange and not exactly the look I was going for. And I had to instead wear one of husband's t-shirts. And then a few days later, we had a party to go to. And I had the same issue. Most of my tops are fitted. So I went in a large t-shirt and put a bulky sweater over because thankfully those hide lots of things.

But, still. It's hard. It's hard to feel like you can't wear your own clothes without looking strange. It's hard to feel good inside when your outside has changed. And let me add in here - I'm surrounded by wonderful people who assure me I'm still beautiful. That's nice to hear. But the truth is, in some moments, it's just not enough. I wish it were. I also know that I am much, much more than how I look on the outside. But that's really easy to think when the outside is looking fine. It's much harder when you are struggling with how you look on the outside.

Today I'm feeling a bit brave though. Last night I asked Eric to take some pictures of me (clothed though - I'm not that brave) to try to give you all an understanding.

This is how I look right now:

And from the side:

This is me without a right breast. {although I'm still slightly swollen from surgery}. This is how most of my clothes fit me. And I do realize it's not like I've got a basketball on one side and nothing on the other - but still. It's there. And it's obvious. Contrast this picture with the next one:

This is what I look like when I have two breasts. Do you see the difference? Well, I mean, of course you can see the difference. I suppose in my mind the difference is probably enhanced about 158 thousand times. And so it might not feel as dramatic to you as it does to me when I look at myself.

So, here's how we got the second picture. Last week, Eric took me to a store to get "post-mastectomy garments" which is simply a fancy way to say bras that have pockets to hold a breast forms. This is my new right foob for now:

It's stuffed with a fiberfill, that I can add to or take out as needed. It's kind of strange though. I have to adjust things every time I put the bra on. {Oh, here's where I interject, bras are SO uncomfortable. I had no idea. When you are used to wearing them they aren't. But I haven't worn one since May 18. I am very not used to them now}. Anyway, this has helped me feel a bit better. At least I can go out in public and not feel like everyone is going to stare at me.

But it's still hard. It's still a lot to wrap my mind around. I'm still struggling with this issue. I think I will probably struggle with it until the day reconstruction is finished. Which, is the bright spot in all of this. Reconstruction will happen. We may have to use a different option than the original plan. The doctor isn't sure yet. We can't talk about anything until I am fully healed. And as you can imagine: radiation, infection, surgery - I have a lot of healing left to do. Okay, so I have a lot of healing to do both physically and emotionally. I'm just thankful I also have a lot of support to help me through this healing process. Because some days, this healing feels as difficult as treatment.

Sad heart ....

2012-01-04T09:37:00.001-06:00

The internet has honestly been my life-line this year. All of my friends will tell you, I've been terrible about calling people and seeing people face-to-face. I know, it isn't fair to my friends and loved ones, but I naturally withdraw in bad times and I've done that a lot this year.

Except on-line. The internet, especially twitter, has a vibrant and thriving cancer community. Once you announce you have cancer, the love and out-pouring and the reaching out is amazing. And I can't lie ... it can be extremely helpful and uplifting to talk to people who are where you are, or who have been there. They can tell you that they had the same thing, they can give you tips and tricks and they can commiserate with you.

I love all the new friends I've met. Unfortunately, there is a downside to this. You quickly learn not everyone will go into remission. Not everyone gets a happily-ever-after ending.

And so it is with a sad heart that I tell you one of my friends, Dave Hodgson passed away on December 31 from metastatic melanoma. Dave was a great guy - always he had warm and caring words to share with me. Even when he was struggling, he was there to be a great friend. I never met him in person. I only shared 140 character tweets back and forth with him, but I consider him a wonderful friend. The world will indeed be a sadder place without him. My heart and prayers go out to Dave's wife and daughter. I will miss seeing him around twitter. It just won't be the same without him.

And I can't help but wonder how many more wonderful people must we lose to cancer? And also, do not be misled - Dave did not lose this fight. Science lost this fight. Medicine has lost this fight. We have failed to find a cure.

To learn more about Dave, you can read this interview he did. His wife is also on twitter, and if you are too, feel free to send her some love here.

A new year ...

2012-01-03T10:25:00.000-06:00

Well, 2011 is now behind us. I can't lie. I don't miss it one single bit. I was more than ready to begin a new year and to let 2011 be in the past.

I suppose this makes me sound a bit bitter about how the last year went. Well. I am. I feel cheated and robbed of the last 9 months. I am upset about the physical state of my body. I am angry that it feels we are in a constant 2 steps forward, 1.5 steps backwards pattern. I'm pissed I had so many side effects. I'm tired of pain. I hate how exhausted I feel so much of the time.

But I also know this is a phase - a normal one by the accounts of others who have walked this same path. And I know that eventually this will pass. That there will come a day when I can look back and not only see the forest, but the sun shining down on it. But when you are stuck deep in the forest? It's hard to see that.

I really hope that 2012 is a better year. We have some fun things planned for this upcoming year that we are all excited about. But I also know that I need some time to just heal - both physically and emotionally. And during this time of healing, I need to remember to be kind to myself. I can't do it all tomorrow. I won't heal overnight. I will go through periods of anger and sadness. And that is okay. This cancer thing was rough. And it took it's toll.

But it's a new year. And I'm ready to start afresh. And here's hoping 2012 is a fabulous year. For me, for you, for everyone!

Our Holidays ....

2011-12-31T17:59:00.000-06:00

were absolutely fabulous. First, we were just so happy to be together. Because there were a few moments we weren't so sure that would happen. But I was home, and we were together. And thanks to the surgery, I was not only home, but able to get out of bed (which hadn't happened much the week or two before Christmas!).

And of course, the kids were adequately spoiled. Which, frankly, this year, I think is great. They earned it. The best part of course is they were very thankful for all they were blessed with.

Eric and I were also spoiled this year. Our entire family was shown a lot of kindness and generosity, from so many places. It just really deeply touched us. Some of this kindness came to us from complete strangers and again, I keep saying it, but the love we are receiving is just overwhelming.

I'm so thankful we had such a lovely Christmas. I'm so thankful to each person who helped make this Christmas so lovely too - our families, friends, strangers, doctors, everyone who sent out a prayer and a good thought for us.

And now Christmas is over. And a new year is almost upon on (just 6 hours away as I type this!). I can't lie. I have no sadness seeing 2011 end. I don't know what 2012 has in store for us, but I am hoping that 2012 is much less boring, requires many fewer doctor's visits, and is a year in which our family can continue to grow stronger and closer.

I really hope all of you had fabulous holidays as well. And I pray that 2012 is a year filled with wonderful things!

Howdy all!

2011-12-26T01:49:00.000-06:00

First, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season this year. Christmas at our yesterday was so fabulous. Mostly, we were all just so excited to be together, and the presents weren't bad either. We were all, once again, very spoiled and feel very blessed by all that we received.

But truly, for Eric and I, me being home and able to participate is what really made yesterday special. Because on Friday as we were heading to the ER, neither of us was sure what was going to happen at all. And we just kept going to worst case scenario .... I was trying to tell him all my part of the Christmas giving. He was trying to calm me down. We both were trying to figure out how we'd spend Christmas apart and mostly how could we ease that for our kids. Needless to say, it wasn't the most fun drive to the hospital.

So let me back up a bit. I know Eric filled you in some. But right before Thanksgiving I started having some soreness in my right chest/arm area. But of course, I was still undergoing radiation, so a lot of it made sense. But we ruled out a blood clot and started PT, thinking I could be in the beginning stages of lymphedema. And then after Thanksgiving the pain intensified and was spreading. But at the same time, I was diagnosed with bronchitis, so mostly the coughing was blamed. But things kept getting worse. And then we thought maybe my nerves were over-active because of all the trauma I had been through. But the pain got worse. And late last week, I pretty much headed to bed and didn't move unless absolutely necessary. And things just kept getting worse.

Last week on Tuesday it was so bad I called my plastic surgeon (not really knowing who else to call, but knowing they had been good about it in the past and feeling like no one else was really helping) and asked for stronger painkillers than what I had at home because they just weren't touching the pain anymore. Wednesday I went in to see the doctor. He checked me over and mentioned I might have an infection so he prescribed some antibiotics (and also? An even stronger pain killer than the day before because that one wasn't helping either).

Somewhere in the midst of all of this I began to run some fevers. And Wednesday night it jumped up to roughly 104 degrees. Eric was worried, but frankly I was beyond the point of caring. {At this point, the 3 kids were all with my mom}. We got it lower, but it stayed around. Thursday Eric and my doctor had talked a few times. Eric came home from work Thursday, supposed to have picked up our kids but only bringing home the oldest. He told me the two younger kids were going to stay with my mom and he was taking our oldest to her friend's. So they got her all ready to go and Eric took her to her friends.

When he got home he dropped the big bomb on me. Doctor was worried the infection was below the skin in which case surgery to remove the expander would be happening tomorrow. {Hence, him finding care for the kids instead of keeping them home}. At this point, I won't lie. I lost it. I was just a wreck of tears, pain killers, antibiotics, fever. Because while I'm not an extremely vain person, I still didn't want to lose my boob. We've spent most of the last year figuring out how to keep them both as normal looking as we can during all of this.

Anyway, Friday morning came. And things weren't better. And so off we went to the ER (we coordinated with my plastic surgeon and went to the hospital he was at). And that's the point Eric stepped in and let you all know what was going on.

The good news in all of this, the pain issues? Are gone. I'm sore from surgery for sure and having discomfort for sure. But the pain issues that have been plaguing me for a month now were gone when I woke up from surgery. So we did the right thing. And it will turn out okay in the end. Truthfully though? I feel like I have a lot of emotional baggage to sort through. But I'll wait to unpack all of that after the holidays have passed. Right now I just want to enjoy time with the family and let my body finally start healing.

Post Surgery update

2011-12-23T16:12:00.000-06:00

Hello all, it is the husband again.

Brandie is done with surgery. This was the right call. The surgeon found a problem and corrected it. One of her temporary implants had to be removed. She is not happy about this part, but certainly will be glad to be feeling better.

It was such good news to hear from the doctor. Especially given the fact that just a few hours ago there was still uncertainty and that we knew this action once done would result in yet another setback to her reconstruction. As her husband, it is hard to see someone you love so much in so much pain. She was stuck for so many days, struggling to control the pain, while trying being a mother, teacher, wife, etc.

She needs some time to recover, but the next post you see should be from her and hopefully it will be further good news. Thanks everyone!

Eric

Update on Brandie

2011-12-23T12:46:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone,

This is the husband. You've probably wondered where Brandie has been at the past couple of weeks.

During the 2nd to last week of November she started dealing with a lot of pain in the area of radiation. Initially dismissed as side effects that pain has persisted. It reached a point where this pain has dominated her life and has kept her from functioning. Including updating this blog.

So keeping things short and G - rated, the doctors believe she has an infection. We are at the hospital now. She will be undergoing surgery in about an hour. If all goes well she will be back home for Christmas. Even more hopeful is that this surgery will end the pain that Brandie has been in the past couple of weeks.

Please keep her in your thoughts & prayers.
Thank you,
Eric

So, um, now what?

2011-12-09T10:00:00.001-06:00

I've been asked that several times since yesterday's wonderful news. Well the truth is I'm not 100% sure because I haven't discussed long term with all my doctors, but I do have a general idea of what will happen.

I will continue to get herceptin every 3 weeks. Every other visit (so every 6 weeks) I will meet with the oncologist. We'll talk about how I'm doing. He'll continue to monitor me. This will last until roughly Julyish. At that point I think for one year I will see him every 3 months, then every 6 months, until one point we hit yearly visits. He also started me on tamoxifen this week. I will stay on that (just a pill) for a minimum of 5 years. {Note if my ovaries come out during this 5 year period, I will stop tamoxifen and switch to a different medicine that does that same thing in women without ovaries}

I will visit with my breast specialist (the doctor who originally diagnosed me) every 6 months for a clinical exam. Which is a fancy of way saying the doctor will feel around to check how things are going. This is because I do not get mammograms anymore. Since I no longer have breasts (yes, this is how I look at it: I will blog more, but for now know that I call what I have foobs = fake boobs).

I have a follow-up visit with the radiologist. At this time, I do not know if anymore follow-ups take place.

I am still being watched by my plastic surgeon. We are watching to see how the skin heals and I am eager for him to tell me I am ready for what should be final plastic surgery. Hopefully in 3-6 months from now I will go in and have the tissue expanders replaces and permanent implants put in. I'm told this is a billion times easier than my surgery in May. After I heal from that we will do the finishing touches of making the foobs look more real (a tattooed areola and adding nipples).

I am starting physical therapy this week. I will go weekly for at least a month. We are on watch for lymphodema. And also, during radiation I lost some of my range of motion in my right arm and I've lost quite a bit of strength. So it's time to start healing and working on getting back to where I was.

During this entire time, I will also be watched extra by my gynecologist. More specifically, she will be watching my ovaries. Breast cancer and ovarian cancer is closely linked. I will not be allowed to keep my ovaries past the age of 40. My doc will be ultrasounding them (probably) every year and she already warned me, if the tiniest thing looks off, they are coming out. So you know sometime between now and 8 years from now.

I realize this post sounds a bit clinical doesn't it? It's because there's a reality behind all of this that I didn't talk about yesterday - but probably will a lot in the future. You may have noticed I did not use the word cure yesterday. Because I am not cured. In some doctors won't use the language "all clear" (although I did). Because here is the full meaning of what I posted yesterday: There is no detectable cancer in my body at the moment.

Just stop and think about that for a minute. Now, in a perfect world this would mean the cancer will never come back. And in a perfect world it would mean there is absolutely no cancer in my body right now. The truth is we don't know that. No one can assure me of that. No one can make those sorts of statements to me. Because breast cancer is a fickle bitch and can strike again at any time .... 6 months from now, 2 years from now, 7 years from now .... well, you get the idea.

And don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED with yesterday's news - beyond thrilled even. But I won't lie to you. There will always be a part of that thinks my thumb hurts - is the cancer back? or I have the worst headache - is the cancer back? or I feel a lump - is the cancer back?

For now? For today? I'm sort of ignoring all of that and focusing on the good news. And going to focus on getting stronger and healthier and really recovering from the beating my body has taken this year.

Popping in quickly ....

2011-12-07T15:41:00.000-06:00

Just a quick note - and you are going to want to read until the end my friends.

So I kept getting sick and landed myself in the ER Monday morning. They checked me in and held me overnight and I came home yesterday afternoon.

While I was in the ER, the oncologist came to visit me and I asked him if he could give me the bone scan results I had last week. He pulled them up and let me know they were "inconclusive" and we'd need to check the spot that was on both the original and this scan. I can not tell you how much this news frustrated me. But since I was already in the hospital he ordered an x-ray of the leg and told me if that didn't show what was going on, we'd do more exploration of the area. I felt crushed.

Anyway, I had an appointment with him today and kept it. And today he let me know, the spot on my leg that was popping up on the bone scan? It was benign! Nothing to be worried about! So, it's official, I AM ALL CLEAR!!!! There is at this point and time no detectable cancer in my body anywhere. I still can't believe it. I'm so relieved, so happy, so just completely over-joyed.

And now I'm going to go because I feel like I need to celebrate and also? Still rest as I'm still not all clear of the bronchitis that sent me to the hospital. But? At the same time I'm feeling absolutely fabulous and just so grateful to get such wonderful news today! =)

Did you miss me?

2011-11-29T22:04:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm sorry I was MIA for a while. I've been sick, tired, worn out, busy, going places, seeing people, enjoying Thanksgiving, being very sore from radiation and most likely the start of lymphedema, without internet and helping one very excited 5 year old boy work on his science fair project.

Phew. Did that wear you out? It wore me out that's for sure!

Anyway, on a good note ... I've been out a few times in the last few weeks. It's still pretty exhausting and I need what feels like a few days to recover from getting out. But, there have been so many moments I didn't want to leave the house in the past, so this feels like a major win!

Also, tomorrow is my last day of radiation. Oh yes. The last day. Can we all just cheer together? On the count of 3. 1 .... 2 ... 3 ... Yay!!!

Okay, now that that is out of the way, I'm saying good night now. Because some virus is going around and of course it got me. So I'll be resting and relaxing for a few more days.

xoxo,
Brandie

Actual crafting

2011-11-11T11:11:00.003-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl who started a blog to share some of the crafty projects she was making. She wrote about knitting, sewing, and other crafty things she made. Sometimes, she strayed and wrote about reading or her children or other various things, but for the most part she wrote about crafting.

But then one day, her lovely little blog was taken over by an evil monster: breast cancer. And where once she wrote about knitting and sewing, she now wrote about side effects and exhaustion. Where she once shared pictures of her projects, she now shared pictures of her bald head.

But the brave blogger fought back. She knew she would not allow cancer to take over the blog forever. And so today she is here to show you a new project she is working on!

Last week, I went to Hobby Lobby to pick some stuff up. My five-year-old saw this needlepoint project and begged me to get it to make it for him. So naturally, I bought the kit and began work on it. This isn't the easiest project for me to work on right now because my fingers are still bothering me. But, it's also not that bad and it's given me a lovely new project to do.

Some of my long-term readers might remember that I like to start new projects at the beginning of things, like the start of the new year or a big vacation we are taking. So, while I'm technically not done with treatment yet, I'd like to consider this a new project for starting life after treatment. And not only is this a new project, but it's a new craft for me. I've never done needlepoint before. So far I'm enjoying it and can't wait to see the finished product hanging in my son's bedroom.

For now, I'll just show you a picture here or there as I get more work done on it. And just because I can, I won't tell you what the picture is yet. Instead, I'll let you have some fun by trying to figure out what I'm making!

Fall Fun!

2011-11-10T11:11:00.003-06:00

On Sunday, we were blessed with beautiful weather – that is as beautiful as weather can be in the Chicago area in November. So, we all went outside for some fall fun.

There was raking to be done, piles of leaves to be made, and of course lots of jumping!

It was so fun to be outside with the whole family. Everyone had a blast jumping and leaves. Yes, even the husband and I played in leaves!the kids jumped in, dove in, and somersaulted in the leaves.

3/365

2011-11-09T19:46:00.002-06:00

2/365

2011-11-08T16:55:00.000-06:00

I haz hair

2011-11-08T09:31:00.004-06:00

Exciting news at our household .... last Tuesday I was at my mom's and we noticed nothing. The next day, the husband noticed my hair was growing back in. {I didn't}. The next day my kids noticed. {I could sort of tell, but it was only in the back I needed two mirrors to see it}. Then, I could tell, but the hair was so small that a camera couldn't pick it up. Now, a camera can pick it up ... so look ... I have hair again!

I know. It's not much. But you can see it {can you also see how thin my eyebrows are? On a funny note, my eyebrows started losing falling out (along with my eyelashes) a few weeks ago ... several weeks after my last chemo! So strange!}. It's coming in very dark. But it was dark before, so this isn't a huge surprise. Still, if had come back lighter, I wouldn't have complained. Oh well. I'm taking what I'm getting.

I know, I know. On one hand it's just hair. But really? It's so much more. To me it's a sign. My body is healing. Things are trying to get back to normal. It's almost like that first bloom in the springtime. You know spring isn't over yet and snow could still fall, but it's a sign summer will come again. Just when you feel like winter will never end. And that's what this is for me ... and I'm so excited! =)

1/365

2011-11-07T17:46:00.001-06:00

So, I'm beginning a 365 project. Basically it's to take 1 picture every day for an entire year. I figure now is as good as time as any! {I may change this to 315 - which would be 6 days per week. And also, most will be self-portraits!}

Radiation!

2011-11-06T01:26:00.001-05:00

So, every day, Monday through Friday, I have the pleasure of driving to the hospital and going for my radiation treatment. I have already had 15 treatments and will go today for my 16th (this puts me at about the halfway point).

The good news is, the radiation department has such a great set up. There is hardly any wait and I am in and out very quickly. The first thing I do when I get there, is swipe my card.This is how I check in. After I swipe my card, I go into the woman's changing area. There are cubbies there, one for each patient, where we keep our hospital gowns.

This way we don't need a new gown each time we come since we are there daily and only wear them for about 10 to 15 min. it seems wasteful to use our new gown each time. I get into my down and wait for the nurses to come get me. (I don't think I've ever waited more than 5 min. which is really nice)

Me rocking my gown from Annie and Isabel and my arm warmers (because I'm always freezing there)

The nurse walks me to the actual radiation room. I lay down on a table and they line everything up just so. I have four tiny tattoos that they use to line me up in a very specific positions. I get two doses of radiation that target the lymph node area (one from the top and one from the side.

Then the nurse comes back in and covers my right breast with a bolus. The bolus is this rubber-like thing that helps concentrate the radiation on my skin instead of allowing it to go deeper - which it would do if the bolus were not there. I get an additional four doses of radiation – two from the p and two from the side. Each radiation dose last from 4 seconds to 12 seconds (at least in my head when I'm counting one-one thousand two-one thousand etc. those are the numbers I come up with). And then, I go get dressed and make my way home.

I'm usually there for about 15 to 20 min., so not too long. Every five days they also take pictures to make sure that I'm still being lined up in the correct position to get radiation. And on Wednesdays I stay and meet with the doctor. He checks my skin to see how it's holding up, goes over any side effects I'm having, and just make sure that things are running smoothly.

Everyone there is great – the nurses, the Dr., all the other staff. And they run the place very efficiently. But, I can't lie. I will be so grateful when I get that last radiation treatment and don't need to be there every single day!

Happy Halloween!

2011-11-02T09:40:00.003-05:00

I probably should have posted this yesterday, but you know what they say? Better late than never.

We had a lovely Halloween. The 12-year-old was Oscar the grouch. The nine-year-old was a witch. And the five-year-old was Darth maul. I was most surprised by the five-year-old, as when he left to go get his costume he told me he was going to be a firefighter!

We trick or treated in our neighborhood with some of our friends. Came home had a simple pasta dinner and then headed to another friends house where the kids went trick-or-treating again. I was able to rest during this time and hang out with my friend. The kids got a ton of candy. I don't even know were going to do with all of it!

I hope all of you have a wonderful Monday as well.

Hello!

2011-10-31T00:30:00.000-05:00

Greetings everyone!

Today I am typing courtesy of the Dragon software. It is pretty cool to use this. Although, it is a bit strange because I feel like I'm sitting here talking to myself. However, my fingers certainly appreciate it. I should note though that they are actually feeling better these days. Of course, had we not purchased Dragon sure they would still be hurting a lot right now.

I know I've been missing lately and I'll try to catch you up. I started radiation treatments about two weeks ago. Today I will go in for my 13th treatment (out of a total of 28 or 33 treatments). Radiation isn't too difficult – nothing close to how chemotherapy was. It does however, suck the energy out of me. I'm starting to think that I will never feel not tired again! The hardest part about radiation is that I have to go every single day. Okay, okay, I do get the weekends off and that's nice but still going to the hospital everyday? Not exactly my idea of fun. The good news his the appointments are brief – I'm there for a total of 15 min. each day. And the first appointment after lunch so I never have to wait which I also appreciate very much.

Things are so much better now than they were over the summer. And and while I'm grateful things are better, they are still not normal. I still struggle with those days where it all just feels like too much, where it's hard for me to believe this really is happening, and where I just can't wait for it to all be over. Those days come less often now, but they still come. Things are better. But they're not great.

And yet, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Soon enough, most of this will be behind me. My energy will come back, my hair will start to grow, my fingers will lose their tingle, my skin will start to heal from the damage, things will be normal. Not the normal they were before all of this, no, I know this has changed everything. We can't go back to where we were. Scars have been left, both scars you can see and ones you can't. But we will find a new normal, a place where our old normal in this new reality will meet.

For today, we will get dressed up, we will eat too much candy, we will hang out with friends, and enjoy Halloween. I will take too many pictures and the kids will beg to go to just a few more houses. And it will be a great day!

6 Months

2011-10-26T21:41:00.000-05:00

It may be hard to believe, but it was 6 months ago today that I received that fateful call from the doctor. It's a bit strange in that in some ways I can't believe 6 months has flown by and in other ways I'm pretty sure it's been 6 months.

I do have more to say about this. I've had a lot to say recently, but you haven't heard much from me. That's because I'm having issues with my fingers and typing has become at best hard to do and at it's worst, it's painful.

But I'll be back again soon. Promise! =)

WIWOMH 10/17

2011-10-17T09:00:00.001-05:00

So today I am wearing this cute hat

This hat was made for me by grannie. Grannie is LouCeeL's mom. Grannie was the first person to knit me a hat and has given my quite a few of them. And then Lou kindly delivers them to me. My 9yo also loves grannie's hats and tries to steal mine all the time! {Also, Lou has a lovely picture of me modeling another hat grannie made for me here}

Anyway, in very cool news, last week Grannie opened an etsy shop! She has a lovely purple scarf in there now and I hope she'll add more things. And that you'll go check out her shop. Because she is very nice and her knitting is wonderful! =)

Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness

2011-10-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

Today is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. So over on twitter, I am sharing a tweet about MBC every 15 minutes. This was a great idea started by a friend from twitter (who also is responsible for compiling this list of information!). Over here, I'm just listing all the tweets/links I and others will be sharing over on twitter. I hope you'll take the time to learn more about MBC. Women are suffering from this, and I've learned recently that so many people are unaware!

Sink the pink, start to think! Today is Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. Learn
about BC METS today! http://ow.ly/6V3w4

Learn more about Metastatic breast cancer from @ccchronicles. Read & RT http://
cancerculturenow.blogspot.com/2011/05/mbc-needs-you.html

Metastasis refers to the spread of cancer to different parts of the body: bones, liver,
lungs and brain. http://ow.ly/6V3Mi

An estimated 155,000 Americans are currently living with metastatic breast cancer.
MBC accounts for ~40,000 deaths annually in U.S.

Public service announcement on metastatic breast cancer from the Metastatic Breast
Cancer Network http://ow.ly/6V4ya Watch it and RT

Learn about Metastatic Breast Cancer today! http://ow.ly/6V4Qx Time to talk about
this devastating disease. #BCSM #MBC

Make a difference in the #MBC community. Donate to MBCN.ORG in honor of
Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness day: http://ow.ly/6V5pf

155,000 people are living with metastatic breast cancer in the United States. Learn
more: http://ow.ly/6V5Ea

Learn more about Metastatic Breast Cancer from BMJ: http://ow.ly/6V5Qi

Check out www.metavivor.org for more information on Metastatic Breast Cancer.
It's time to make a difference!

Put your pink $ to better use this Oct! Donate to Metavivor & make a REAL
contribution to the breast cancer cause: http://ow.ly/6V68V

Great resource from Willow breast Cancer Support in Canada on #MBC http://
www.willow.org/metastatic

Median survival after diagnosis of #MBC is 3 yrs. There has been no statistically
significant improvement in the past 20 years - ASCO

Watch the Faces of Metastatic Breast Cancer 2011 video from MBCN.org http://
ow.ly/6VaAo Learn more about MBC Pass it on

Median survival after diagnosis of #MBC is 3 yrs. There has been no statistically
significant improvement in the past 20 years - ASCO

Want to make a difference in the Metastatic Breast Cancer Community? Register now
for 2011 MBCN Conference: http://ow.ly/6Vbrf #BCSM #MBC

Check out @facesofMBC Learn more about #MBC today: http://
www.facesofmbc.org

Genetech will donate $1 to #MBC initiatives for every view of @facesofMBC videos
TODAY Let's get them to $20K http://ow.ly/6VeL1

YSC is partnering w/ CSC for special webinar for young women diagnosed with
metastatic breast cancer. Tonight 7 pm!http://ow.ly/6Vf42

What is metastatic Breast Cancer? Learn about it here: http://ow.ly/6VhAt from
www.advancedBC.org Change the pink conversation

Amazing women in the @faceofMBC video -highlighted here: http://ow.ly/6Vh3y Be
inspired to do something today!

Round up of excellent Metastactic breast cancer awareness resources: http://ow.ly/
6VhZp from advancedbc.org

Information on 2011 Clinical trials for Metastatic Breast Cancer. #MBC NEEDs
MORE TRIALS! http://ow.ly/6Viad Let's make a difference!

Excellent support community from @teaminspire for Metastatic Breast Cancer
survivors. http://ow.ly/6Vip2 Pass it on!

Time to refocus the breast cancer conversations on Metastatic Breast
Cancer. http://ow.ly/6ViS8 Read more from our friend whymommy.

WIWOMH 10/12

2011-10-12T20:43:00.000-05:00

Today I'm wearing a new scarf I bought at Target the other day

It's kind of silly looking I know, but with a bit of fall in the air, not only is my head getting cold, but so is my neck (which is also used to having hair on it!). So I pick my bigger scarves and wrap them over my head and my neck.

More facts

2011-10-07T12:11:00.001-05:00

About 20% of women diagnosed with Breast Cancer, regardless of initial stage of diagnosis (so whether they were stage I, II, or III from the beginning) will go on to have metastatic breast cancer (which is stage IV). About 6% present with metastatic breast cancer from the initial diagnosis.
What does this mean? That early detection is NOT the cure for breast cancer. That early detection will NOT save all lives. So what do we do with this? Well, we still advocate for early detection because it does help. But we also need to do more. Research more. Study more. We need to learn about metastatic breast cancer if we really want to eliminate breast cancer deaths.

If we only look at early stage breast cancer (stage 1) 18-20% will have a recurrence of breast cancer within 10 years. An in 70% of those, the cancer will have spread to their bones. {Of the remaining 30% I am not sure what is or isn't metastatic breast cancer. It's hard to get concrete numbers on some of this}

Edited to add this:

I found this and it does a beautiful job (I think) of explaining why early detection does not prevent spreading of all breast cancer

"For decades, women have heard that the best hope of curing breast cancer is finding it early. To that end, doctors have taught women about the importance of three breast cancer screening techniques: breast self-exam, clinical breast exam (a breast exam done by a health professional), and mammography. This emphasis on breast cancer screening has perpetuated the belief that all breast cancers can be cured if they are found early. It also leads people to believe that all women who survive breast cancer do so because their cancer was found early.

The latest research, however, indicates that neither of these beliefs appears to be true. It now looks like there are about six different types of breast cancer that vary in how aggressive they are. Some of them are so "good" that they will never metastasize (spread throughout the body). And that means it doesn't matter when you find them. They just don't have the ability to cause someone to die of breast cancer. Others are very "bad" and so aggressive that no matter when you find them—which means even if you find them when they are still very small—they have already begun to wreak havoc. These are the types of cancers that cause women to die of this disease. Still others, probably about 30 percent, have the potential to become "bad" if not stopped early. These are the cancers whose outcomes are affected by breast cancer screening programs and early detection. These are also the cancers mammography is best at finding.

So is the concept of "early detection" a total falsehood? Not really. There are some cancers that we truly can detect early. What is misleading is the idea that every cancer has the potential to be found early by our current techniques. Right now, unfortunately, we are limited by both our techniques and our understanding of breast cancer. Screening is still our best tool for changing the mortality rate of breast cancer. We need to take full advantage of it while working very hard to find something better."

From here

Sad Truths ...

2011-10-04T12:13:00.002-05:00

In 1991, an average of 119 women died each day of breast cancer. This year? an average of 110/111 will die each day of breast cancer. While part of this can be explained by higher numbers of women being diagnosed and we have awareness, the truth is most money raised for breast cancer goes to education and early detection (and early detection is not a guarantee that everything will turn out okay). And very little goes to research. I'll talk more about this through out the month.

Breast Cancer: My story and a giveaway

2011-10-03T22:23:00.003-05:00

As October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month I thought I would kick it off with a summary of the last almost 5.5 months that I wrote for some friends recently.

How I'm (really) doing ....
It's up and down. One day is the good. The next day is so bad.

Surgery was hard. I didn't do well with it. I didn't do well with the pain medicine. I didn't know how often you use your chest muscles every. single. day. I didn't know how jarring and sad it would be to see my body for the first time after it. I didn't know how excited I would be the first time I could wash my hair all by myself again - learning to lift my arms again was hard work! But I also didn't realize how fast I get over it. How soon it would seem normal and how I quickly I would fall in love with my new boobs!

Chemo? The first medicine they gave me? Let me tell you - there were days I could barely get out of bed just to get to the bathroom. There were moments where I wondered if I could just quit and stop it. There were days I was pretty sure the cancer would have been better than chemo. Sometimes I just cried and cried. Other days I was so absolutely pissed off and just angry. So angry. There were moments where I just couldn't get over the unfairness of it all. There were moments where I was terrified that this might be the last summer I get with my family, where I wondered if the next Christmas would be the last.

I still have those moments. They come much less often. I'm mostly to the point where I've accepted it all. It sucks. It is unfair. It is hard. But it is what it is. And we'll get through it. I made it through the tough medicine {the medicine is so tough that even if my cancer were to ever come back, I will never get it again. It's so hard on your body it has a lifetime limit on it}. And we moved on to easier chemo (no, not easy chemo, just easier). But I am regaining normal. I am getting strong. Energy is coming back. Sickness is leaving.

I still have radiation to go. It will start at the beginning of October. 5 days a week for 7 weeks. Herceptin (a protein that is literally a life saver for women with my specific type of cancer and for which I will be forever grateful for) I will get every 3 weeks for one year, starting a few weeks from now. Final plastic surgery sometime in the new year. I will take tamoxifin for at least 5 years. My ovaries will come out before I turn 40. Sooner if they suspect even the tiniest thing going on with them. Follow-up scans and tests.

This isn't over yet. It won't be over, well, I don't know if I will ever feel it's over. But I really firmly believe the hardest part is over.

And really? All the love, and support, and kindness ... has been amazing. Even through it all, we have been so amazingly blessed. I feel like I've been just completely surrounded with love and understanding every. single. step. of the way. And that? That has trumped and been more powerful than every bad, negative, scary, side effect and treatment along the way.

And a giveaway:

One lucky commenter on THIS post will win a gift basket from P&G for leaving a story about how breast cancer has affected you. I know we all have connections and ties to breast cancer. I also know that sometimes these stories can be hard to share, but we are all here for you. ~~Winner will be chosen on Oct. 10~~! I'm extending this to Monday, October 17!

In addition during the month of October, P&G has several programs going on:

- Save while you give. On Sunday, October 2, and Sunday, October 16, a GIVE Hope brandSAVER will be distributed in newspapers across the country, with discounts for P&G products, including Olay, Pantene, Crest and many more. For each GIVE Hope brandSAVER coupon redeemed, P&G will donate two cents to the National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF) – allowing people to give back, while saving money.

- Share with friends. “Like” P&G Beauty on Facebook. For every “like” at http://www.facebook.com/PGUnitedWeBeautify, P&G will donate 10 cents to NBCF to further support their mission of saving lives through early detection. The P&G Beauty Facebook page will also feature stories from female employees who have been impacted by this disease.

- Buy, give and get. During the month of October, consumers will receive a $10 rebate ( http://www.pgpinkrebate.com/pink_rebate.pdf ) and will also trigger a $10 donation to NBCF with the purchase of $50 worth of P&G Beauty products, including Venus, Olay, Secret, CoverGirl, Nice ‘n Easy, Pantene, Safeguard and Ivory.

Disclosure information: I am working with The Motherhood and P&G and being compensated for my time. However, all opinions are my very own!

Knitting

2011-09-30T10:10:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that this blog was originally set up to share mostly crafting type things with the world, it has not been used for that lately. Instead, cancer took over this blog and became the most talked about topic around here. For good reason too. There is a lot there to talk about and although sometimes I will complain that I'm tired of talking about cancer, at the same time, it is SO amazingly helpful to get it all out. So I come. I write. I feel better. I move on.

And as helpful as blogging has been to me, so to recently has knitting. Actually knitting has always been helpful to me. One of the first things I did upon getting my diagnosis was to ask my mom to take me to the local knitting store. It just made sense. I found out I had cancer. I found out I was going to be bald. Clearly I needed some hats to wear upon my head. Alright, alright, I get it. Not every single person goes from cancer to bald to hats to knitting store. But I did.

And I knit a lot in those days between diagnosis and surgery. I knit in waiting rooms. I knit at home. I made some hats for myself. I made some for my mom. It was a good way to keep busy. It was a good way for me to work off anxiety - for the most part knitting is the same motion over and over. The repetition is lovely. And if you have the right pattern? There is a rhythm there and you can just keep working without needing to put too much thought into it. And I needed that then.

Then surgery came. And for a while I couldn't knit. I couldn't do much of anything actually. My arms might as well have just been gone for as much as I could use them at first. But true to form, I started knitting as soon as I could. I was so excited that first day I could pick up my knitting. It didn't last long. I think I managed a row of the shawl I was working on. But darn it, it felt SO good to get that row done. And so slowly, I began to knit more and more.

Then came chemo from hell. And let me tell you - one of the ways we knew it was affecting me so much - I stopped knitting. Even the husband commented on it once or twice. And believe me you, I wanted to be knitting. But I couldn't. That first group of medicines I was on was just so harsh for me. It left me barely able to do the things I needed to do (i.e. eat, get up and go to the bathroom, etc) and certainly didn't leave me any room to do much of the things I loved to do or wanted to do. But, thankfully, even that medicine's time came to an end. And as that medicine left my system, I was able to start knitting again.

Of course it came back slowly. I had to find my rhythm again. I had to find the projects calling out to me. (Yes, it may seem strange, but it is true. I believe for the most part, projects find me and tell me when it's time to knit them). And then the new medicine started to show it's lovely side effects. It attacked, more and more with each dose, my joints and mostly in my hips and knees. There were days were walking any more than necessary was just going to be an option. But oh, I could pick up those needles and knit through most of those times. Not always, the new medicine also attacked my hands and made knitting impossible some days, but thank goodness it hit my hands with less intensity.

There have been several days where at the end of the day all I can say I've done is knit and watch tv that day. And thank goodness for knitting. Because I really believe through all of this knitting has been a lifeline to me. I may not be able to whip up a 5 course meal these days, but darn-it, I can whip up a shawl. I can't always walk my son to the bus stop, but I can make him a vest he can wear proudly to school. I can't repay my mom all the kindness she's shown me - not just this summer but my entire life - but I can knit her some socks. I can make beautiful things. I can show my family I love them through my knitting. And the knitting has helped me feel connected to my family through it all.

Not only that, but it's another way to honor who I am. I was knitter before all of this. And while I may not be able to knit every single day, cancer did not take that part of my life away from me. I am still me. Cancer has changed me - it has changed me in some pretty big ways. But at the end of the day, I am still me. Cancer can change me, but it didn't take everything away from me. And having my knitting? Every stitch I make? It's a reminder to myself that I'm still me. My appearance may have changed. I may have some life experience I never really wanted, but I'm still Brandie. And knitting is still important to me.

Ha ha - the joke's on you!

2011-09-27T10:36:00.000-05:00

Well, not on you. On me.

You see, the end of chemo came. And went. And it was wonderful and lovely.

And now? The side effects are kicking my butt. I mean beyond kicking my butt.

I knew this going in. I knew the side effects didn't' stop with the medicine drip. I knew that it would take time for the medicine to leave my system. I knew my body would keep fighting and working. However, what I'm learning is knowing something and going through something are two completely different things. And um, yeah, I guess I keep learning that over and over with this cancer things. You can 100 people tell how things will work, and there are just too many times in life that it doesn't matter what they say - you can't fully prepare for it until you are there.

I also think there's a big component to this that is emotional. Emotionally I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready for side effects to be gone. I'm ready to start returning to life as normal.

But my body? It's not ready. It still needs time. It still needs healing. It still needs me to be gentle to myself. And that right there may be the crux of the problem. I still need to be gentle to myself. I still need to let others to take care of me. And let me tell you, as nice as it is to have everyone wanting to take care of you? It's also not so great. Because it's my job to take care of them. I'm the wife. I'm the mom. My parents are in a busy season. I want to be in my son's classroom. I want to be the one helping. Not the one in need of the helping.

Yet. Here we are. And I can wish upon a million stars for things to be different. But here is where I am. And this is what I need to accept. And this is what I need to come to terms with. Because while I know things will get better, they won't be getting better tomorrow or even the next day. So I guess I'll have lots of time practicing giving myself more time. And grace. And patience.

Some Updates

2011-09-26T22:31:00.002-05:00

Here is an e-mail I recently sent out. While I try to get it to everyone, I'm sharing here just in case I've accidentally forgotten anyone!

Dear Friends and Family,

It's been some time since we sent out an e-mail update. First let me begin by thank you all again for all the love, kindness, and support you have showered us with this summer. I'm not sure we could have made it this far without it all.

Last week was a big week in our house. On Friday I received my last chemotherapy treatment - which was a very happy day for sure. Sadly, the side effects don't end with the last dose. The medicine will remain in my system for at least a month. And while I still have more treatment to go, being finished with chemo feels like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So what's next? In October I will begin radiation. Radiation will last for 7 weeks. I will also continue to get Herceptin (although not a chemo drug, I do get it through the oncologist) every 3 weeks for an entire year. I have already been on the herceptin for 8 weeks now and it leaves me with some side effects. We are hoping the chemo is complicating the side effects and that the farther we get away from chemo, the less side effects there will be. And through all of this, at some point I will begin to take tamoxifin - just a daily pill that is side effect free for most women. Which is good, because I'll need to be on it for at least 5 years!

Anyway, that's where things stand for right now. As always I try to keep the blog semi-updated (and thank you for those who head over there to read and comment. I don't respond to all comments, but they always make me smile!)

Much love,
Brandie

Happy Fall ...

2011-09-25T10:23:00.000-05:00

So Friday marked the first day of fall. And don't get me wrong - I love fall. Applesauce, apple cider, pumpkins, fall festivals, pulling out sweaters, fires in the fireplace. It is all lovely and wonderful.

But this year, the start of fall means something completely different to me. This year the start of fall marks the end of the summer I feel that cancer stole from me. And we can sugarcoat this summer as much as we want to, but the truth of the matter is that cancer did in fact steal my summer. Not only from me but from my family. All the places I would have taken the kids. All the days we would have gone to the pool, or on bike rides, or hung out at the park with friends. All the times my mom had to be over here when she could have been doing a million other things. All the work my husband had to miss. All the vacation time he took that wasn't spent on anything remotely near a vacation. I could go on and on with these examples.

I also know that not a single one of those people affected by my cancer would complain about it. At least not to me. What I call their sacrifices is what they call being part of a family. And while I appreciate that is how their attitude is about it, still, in my heart they all made big sacrifices. Our summer was stolen. And I feel jaded by this. I am hoping as time passes, this will sting a little less. Or that next summer will bring a redemption to this summer. Or heck, even as we head into winter, and life gets back to "normal" (whatever the heck normal can be at this point) that things will start to feel better to me.

And this isn't to say that I only see the missing parts. I don't. There was also so much love and support and help this summer. I haven't forgotten any of that. There is so much beauty to find in this past summer too. I know that and recognize that. It's just with summer now at an end, the unfairness of it all seems to weigh on me more heavily than it did before. Because I can't go backwards at this point. I can't make up for all we missed. I can only move forward. And summer is now behind us.

But summer isn't the only thing behind us right now. Chemotherapy - which was grueling and so much harder than I could have ever anticipated, is also behind us. The shock of diagnosis? Also behind us. Hopefully all the worst parts are behind us. And hopefully things will begin to get easier. We aren't to easy yet, but we are to easier. And that is a truly wonderful thing.

Poll

2011-09-24T11:31:00.000-05:00

If you look over there ----->
you'll see a poll. Take a moment to click an answer. And I promise I'll be back soon to give you an update. Just today I'm tired and run down. Side effects don't end with last chemo treatment unfortunately!

Update ...

2011-09-21T17:48:00.000-05:00

Chemo for today was canceled. My white blood cell counts were just to low to get another round of chemo.

I can't lie. This feels absolutely crushing to me. I was just so ready to be done. And put this behind me.

The new plan is: a shot today, a shot tomorrow (to boost the WBC), and then hopefully chemo on Friday. That all presumes the blood counts are good though. Which they should be. My oncologist said that he's never had this plan fail yet, so I'm counting on it.

And also. This too shall pass. A last chemo treatment will happen, even if it's not today.

Milestone Day

2011-09-21T01:10:00.000-05:00

Today is a big milestone day.

Today I go for my very last chemo treatment. Can you believe it? I almost can't. There were moments it felt like this day would never come. But it's here. And I'm SO excited. And also as I mentioned in my last post still feeling a bit fearful. But mostly? Today I am just joyful. Happy tears keep pouring out of my eyes because I just can't believe I survived chemo. When this first started I wasn't sure I could survive it. I wasn't sure I could be strong enough. And oh there were moments I wanted to quit. Where I thought about just not going to chemo this time.

But darn-it, I pushed through because at the end of the day I wanted to be here (to annoy you all ha ha!) for a long time yet. And I knew I ad to just keep going - just one foot in front of the other.

And so today here we are. At the end of chemo. And I am celebrating it today. And so I leave you with some music. A beautiful song. For you my dear family and friends; my supporters and shoulders to cry on; my biggest cheerleader and biggest source of encouragement.

xoxoxoxo,
Brandie

Fear ....

2011-09-19T10:05:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday I go in for what will be my last chemo treatment. This truly fills me with joy and happiness. Chemo is not fun. Even the "easier" chemo - sure it's easier than the hard chemo, but you know what? It's still not easy. So I am thrilled to be done with chemo. If I could, I'd have a HUGE party Wednesday and invite everyone to come over and help me celebrate the end of chemo. I'm that excited about it.

And yet, there is this other half of me that has start to completely. freak. out. Chemo is ending. But what if I need more? What if the cancer isn't all gone? What if it comes back? Maybe I should get a few more treatments. Just in case. Because let me just tell you all right now, I do not ever want to go through this again. Ever.

So chemo coming to an end is sort of a double edged sword for me. For as much happiness as I feel for chemo coming to an end, I also feel a lot of fear. And truthfully? This is the most fear I've felt through this whole process. Just a few days ago I was crying to my husband because I don't want this cancer to kill me. Because I want to see my kids grow up and get to hold my grandbabies.

I know logically I shouldn't be filled with this fear and this worry. I know that the doctor's didn't just put a bunch of numbers in a hat and draw one out and go alright, she gets 4 treatments of this medicine. There isn't anything random about my treatment. It's based on the too many women who were treated before me.

I know that worry will get me no where. That it's not good for me. I should kick it to the curb and focus on being happy that chemo is coming to an end. I'm trying. I am. But this fear is there. I have a feeling this fear will be a nagging presence in my life for a while. And I think that makes sense too.

But now I have to find that line ... that line where I keep control of the fear and not allow the fear to take control of me. I think actually getting to the end of chemo, and getting the chemo out of my system once and for all will help tremendously. And having all my awesome support (including you my lovely readers) around me and being there to listen to me will help a lot.

WIWOMH 9/17

2011-09-17T22:17:00.000-05:00

Today I wore a little hat I picked up a few days ago at Target. We were there to get things for the kids and I spotted this little hat and decided I needed to have it. My 9yo was with me and she loved it too and begged me to get her one. Seeing as the hat was all of 2.00 I decided she could get one too! So now we match =)

We also both got a new pair of Paul Frank pajamas. No, it's no Missoni, but let me tell you, my family really enjoys Paul Frank and so all the girls were treated to a new pair of jammies =)

WIWOMH 9/15

2011-09-15T20:34:00.000-05:00

Two days in a row people ... don't get used to it though! LOL!

Anyway, today on my head is this lovely hat, knitted by my friend Catherine. It should also be noted that I had a doctor's appointment and my doctor said (and I quote) "You looked so cute sitting in the waiting room with your blue hat on!" So, there you go. Although I think I look cute in all my various head gears, I just don't usually leave the house to get other people's compliments on them!

And just like yesterday's brown hat, it is perfect for this cooler weather we've been having. My head is very happy. And my heart is so blessed to be wearing these items made for me!

WIWOMH 9/14

2011-09-14T21:12:00.001-05:00

Um, yeah, I know, it's been almost 2 months since I last told you about what I'm wearing on my head. But, well, a) I'm really bad at remembering to do things every single day. And b) I have cancer so I've been a bit busy with that. {That's right people. I just pulled the cancer card. LOL!} So, anyway, I'll try to share at least once a week. I mean that should be a good goal for me.

So today I am wearing this lovely hat. It was knit for me by my friend Home's Jewels. It's nice and soft. Today it was chilly {it's like fall or something is getting ready to come to the Chicago area}.

=) Hope you all are having a great day!

School days

2011-09-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

So we've been doing school for about a month at our lovely little home school.

When we started a few weeks ago, we started with basics: math, reading, writing. Every day. We have slowly been expanding. This is all new, crazy, fun to us, as until now we haven't used textbooks or done worksheets, or even done "school" every day. My girls are rock stars though and we have done 6 days of school pretty much every week so far.

The 11yo just finished reading the Mockingjay trilogy. I can tell she enjoyed it because she read the last two books in just 3 days! A book report is coming in later this week so we'll see what she tells me about in that. She also just finished a rough draft of a report of England. Writing is not her favorite subject and we sometimes butt heads when it's time to write, but we are getting through it. She did write one report last spring, and I have to say, for her first report? I don't think she did bad at all! We also just invested in a writing book for her that along with just more writing reports in general, will help to strengthen her writing even more. She is about half-way through her grammar book {and she's getting through it so fast I already ordered the next book because we will be in sooner than we think!} and she is doing some sentence diagrams.

{This brings me back to my 7th grade English class, where I learned about diagramming sentences. I don't remember my English teacher's name, but she looked like ET and we all called her that when not in class. One day she told us ET was one of her favorite movies when somehow we were talking about Drew Barrymore in class. I now wonder if she knew what we called her and said it just to get our reaction!}

Math right now is multiplication. Yes, just multiplication. She is learning it quickly, but remember we've never done textbooks before, so if it sounds like she's behind, the truth is, she is, however, it's not from lack of understanding! We are also doing major work on fractions right now. I do not think her book is teaching fractions well enough so we are actually supplementing with another workbook that also includes decimals and percents and how to go back and forth {I should note, this could be because fractions come in the next book, which we won't be using, so I need to supplement}. She is about 1/3rd of the way through her math book. When she finishes, we will actually skip the next book in the curriculum and jump ahead 2 books. This may be confusing or not make sense, but it does make sense for our goals and will work based on the preview I've seen of both texts!

The (brand new as of yesterday) 9 year old is also ticking along. She is rocking her math book so far! The suggestion is 1 week per lesson. She's getting through her lessons in 2 days right now. In about 10 lessons I predict we'll slow it down and get more towards the week per lesson, but it's nice to see that so far is easy for her. {Truly, we could do a lesson a day, however, each lesson comes with 4 worksheets and I think 2 is more than enough each day!} Right now she is half-way through her math book. Good thing I already have the other book here for her to work from!

She just finished reading Arthur Makes the Team and is now on Stanley, Flat Again {for school}. It is awesome to have her reading books to me. This child struggled so hard to learn to read. She tried. And tried. And never gave up, but reading just clicked for her in the spring. So this reading thing is a BIG thing. On her own she is reading a bunch of the Amber Brown books. Her. Picking up books. On her own. And reading them? Just amazing!!

She is also working through a writing, grammar, and spelling book (from the same company as Miss A}. We just started this with her last week. I am loving this series of books so far. They are perfect for her. However, writing, and especially spelling is definitely her weak area. But we are working through it and most days she jumps in full steam ahead and just works. Seriously, if effort and desire was all it took, this kid would be a better writer and speller than me!

She also does geography (just a mini-lesson) each day and we've discovered she LOVES it. I think definitely science/math/geography are her strong suits and definitely where she shines.

Coming down the pipeline: As soon as treatment for me has slowed down, I want to add in science and history. Also, at the start of the new year (which isn't all that far away!), the girls will be taking their first standardized tests. Can you believe it? They've never filled in bubbles before or done a scantron or anything like that! So today I purchased some test prep books for them. Here's where I add, in general, I'm not at all about teaching to the test or putting much pressure on test prep at this age. However, given they've never taken a standardized test, I think it's important that we do practice ... not for content, but just on taking tests in general. But oh my, I really struggled to buy those books today! I just kept thinking we homeschooled so we wouldn't HAVE to do this test prep stuff! LOL! But really, it's all good and it will all work out in the end!

Anyway, that's where the homeschooling stands. I'm glad it's going so well. I won't lie. We struggled over whether to keep them home this year {mostly wondering would I be up to teaching, would I be healthy enough, would they cooperate enough and be okay with this transition from informal to formal learning, etc, etc}. So far though? It's going very well. We have the occasional not wanting to do work because "my favorite tv show is on!" or "I want to play" but really? I feel that way some days too LOL! =)

Misc. questions ...

2011-09-11T00:19:00.001-05:00

Readers, today I will be answering more questions from you!

Nan | WrathOfMom said...
What was your wedding like? Big or small? Were you engaged for a long while, or less than a few months? Do you still like the dress you wore? Are you in contact with your bridesmaids or groomsmen?

My wedding was very small. We had 18 people there - husband & I; my mom, dad, 2 sisters; husband's dad, stepmom and brother; husband's mom and stepdad; my 2 grandmas and grandpa, and husband's grandma and grandpa, the minister and his wife.

(my daddy walking me down the aisle)

We weren't engaged for very long. We were married a few days before what would have been the 1-year anniversary of our first real date. We were pretty young - I was 20, he was 23. I was also 20 weeks pregnant when we were married. So you could say it was a shotgun wedding, however, even though we were on the fast track, we didn't jump in head first either.

(I'm now at the point where yes, I do think we look like babies in our wedding photos!)

I do like the dress I wore, although it was very traditional. We got married at my husband's parents house in a lovely backyard ceremony and then went to a local restaurant to have some good food. A few months later we threw a reception at my parents house - a very casual affair, but we did want to celebrate with everyone even though we didn't have everyone at the wedding itself.

I can't lie, I loved my wedding day. It was beautiful and perfect and lovely. Every so often though I wish we had done the big church wedding, the rehearsal dinner, had a best man and bridesmaids and all that jazz. And yet, when I see the stress people go through planning the big wedding? I'm very grateful we didn't have all that stress. There wasn't much pressure for everything to be perfect, it was just a nice, simple, lovely affair. And we were so in love (and still are) and you can't beat that on your wedding day can you? I walked down the aisle without a doubt in my heart that I was doing exactly the right thing!

J. said...
If you could live in any time period (besides the current one), which would it be?

Every so often I long to live during the prairie days - the days of Laura Ingalls. It seems so romantic. Of course, life was hard back then. And I know that. But it's what I'd pick if I could. {Of course I would absolutely miss the internet SO VERY much}. The big draw is living off the land and life seemed simpler. It was harder, but simpler. And often times I think that in this day and age we are too busy, too rushed, always running around. Even kids today have very little down time. That makes me sad :( We need more time to just be. And that is probably what draws me to that time period the most.

Of course we won't mention should I have lived back then and should I have gotten cancer, well, yeah, I will miss today's medical knowledge, medicines and technology again. But we'll pretend that if I lived back then, cancer (or you know, childbirth for that matter) would have killed me!

FrankandMary said...
I'd love to read about what you think your 3 best qualities are.~Mary

Yikes! This is hard to answer! I don't know what I think my 3 best qualities are. I think I'm an awesome friend. I've got your back. Sometimes I can be rough around the edges and put my foot in my mouth, and yet, if you need me to have your back, I will be there for you. No one messes with my friends. And I'm pretty darn good at giving hugs. {Sometimes though I need a reminder to just listen.}

I like my craftiness abilities. I think it's pretty cool to have the time, desire, and know how to make things - from knitting to baking some cookies. The truth is almost everyone loves getting something homemade. And I love being able to give people homemade things. While making things is not for everyone, I love that I've found it in my life.

What else? I'm pretty giving. Well, my husband and I are giving together. I think my husband is definitely the most giving of the two of us, but if I can give you something or do something to help you out? I will. Need a ride? Need someone to pick up your kids because you are running late? I'm there. Need some groceries? I will bring them to you. I often wish I could do even more. Someday I will - I'd love to be able to give more time.

Alright, I think that answers most of the non-cancer questions you all left for me (which I loved! I love getting your questions! I might have to ask for them again =) ) I will get to the rest. I will talk more about the cancer, it's just some days even I need a break from it LOL!

Parenting with Cancer .... part 1

2011-09-05T17:13:00.000-05:00

Many times I've been asked how are the kids doing with all of this. I've been hesitant to share too much on here because, well, I always feel like that should be their story to tell. {And yes, my kids are 5, 8 and 11 and I'm secretly hoping that they actually won't remember much of this and so they won't have much of a story to tell someday}. I mean I like talking about my kids and all, but on the blog it's harder for me to share things that aren't just so cute or so funny that I have to share.

But cancer has not been cute or funny. And I'm sure you can imagine, but it's been hard on every. single. one. of us. So I will share some of those struggles with you and how we've tried to work through them. {Also, this will be long and wordy. I apologize in advance}

First, let me share with you that my kids knew what was going on every step of the way - from the first visit with the breast specialist, to the mammogram, biopsy and then discovery the cancer. I do not regret keeping them in the loop the entire time. First of all, we homeschool, so for those appointments they either went with me or stayed with dad or grandma. It's not like I could do all this while they were at school so they wouldn't know. The fact is, they knew something was up even without me talking about it. Although we kept it light at first ... the mammogram was just a precaution because grandma had cancer and there was nothing to worry about {which I honestly thought was the case at the time}. So when I shared with them that the biopsy came back with cancer, it wasn't out of the blue. However, I don't think it made it any easier. We all thought the first mammogram was precautionary, a baseline really. We were told the biopsy was precautionary ... that what they were testing was nothing 80% of the time, and only something the other 20, and cancer was only one of the couple of somethings it could be. {I also want to add here, although it was right for my family to be included every step of the way, for other families it is right to withhold all information until the bad news comes. Because each situation and family is different and I am absolutely a firm believer that in all of this there is no one right way to do thing}

Now, telling my kids was the hardest part of all of this so far. It was horrible. I was home alone with them. My mom was on her way over. Husband was trying to get out of work early. I knew I had to tell them before anyone got here, before they figured it out on their own. I wanted them to learn it from me. I wanted to be able to answer their questions, and not leave anything to their imaginations because often their imaginations can think of things that are far worse than the actually situation. But let me tell you, it was also hard. I could have let my husband or my mom tell them I suppose, but for me, I needed to be the one.

Anyway, I called them all to my bed and told them. We all hugged and cried. After 30 seconds, Mister Man (5yo) asked if he could go back to playing the Wii. Which made us all laugh, and then cry some more. Then I told everyone we needed to go eat chocolate. It was 10 in the morning. I think they all thought cancer invaded my brain at that point because I've never suggestion candy that early before! But we ate chocolate and somehow we all felt better. Somewhere in the midst of all of that, and I wish I could remember more clearly, Little Miss (who is not so little at 11) asked me since grandma had it, and I have it, did that mean she would get it. That was a hard question for me. Because I don't think any 11yo should be worried about getting breast cancer. It doesn't belong in their world. They should be worried about puberty coming and shopping for the first bra and things like that. Not breast cancer.

I know Mister Man just didn't understand it all. He's too young. It didn't mean anything to him that day. I was still home. I wasn't coughing. No sore throat. No runny nose. There was no tangible sickness signs he could see. So for him, I was just sad. I'm not sure Miss M (8) really understood that day. She got I was sick, but I don't think that day she really got it. As, honestly, she shouldn't have. Cancer has not really been a part of my childrens' lives. {We've had relatives go through it, but only when they were much younger}. So she was sad. And she hugged me. And was sweet, but yet, not quite grasping it. Little Miss though {who at 11 clearly needs a new nickname LOL!) she got it. She understood it. It makes sense but it absolutely hit her the hardest. She didn't really know what was coming and yet she did know. She may not have seen it, but she got it.

It was such a hard day. Just thinking about it makes me cry. I hate that day. That one day forever changed my children's childhood. In many ways they felt this summer, but it also changed it in a lot of ways they'll never know.

I planned to write more about how they've managed through the summer, but you know what? I can't anymore. I'll try to share more another day. It's just. This part of the story? It's so hard to write about. It brings up so many emotions within (that maybe I'll talk about another day).

Your questions: Knitting

2011-09-01T23:56:00.000-05:00

First up:

MrsSudz said... Ok there chicky, how old were you when you decided you liked knitting? My mom is crafty and my sisters me not so much. Mom tried to teach me several times to knit and i just plain suck at it. So when did you know you liked it?

I learned to knit when I was 24 years old. I remember at a much younger age, an aunt tried to teach me to crochet and I just didn't get it, and probably wasn't too into it truthfully. But when I learned to knit, we had just learned a friend was expecting a baby and I just decided I needed to knit some booties to give as a gift. So I learned to knit. And I ended up giving her 3 pairs of booties and a baby blanket!

But oh my - if you could have seen my first couple of attempts! At the time my oldest was 3, almost 4 and I swear it looked like she knitted up my first few swatches.I almost wish I had saved them just so I could see how far I've come! LOL!

I was hooked as soon as I made something that didn't look like a mess! I do admit that I sometimes go through phases where I absolutely do NOT want to knit at all, in any way, shape or form. That can be hard to deal with, but I also take a break and don't force myself to knit at those times.

SortaSuperMom said...

What's your favorite thing about knitting/ sewing and what's your favorite thing you've made? Is there a story behind it?


My favorite thing about knitting and sewing is just how cool it is to take yarn and fabric and turn it into something else. I mean you take this string and can make bags, purses, scarves, sweaters, toys ... well, so many things! It's so fascinating to me.

My favorite thing to do is to make a lined bag. If you haven't done this, I'm not sure it will make sense .. but, you take the outside layer and the inside layer and you sew them together with the inside part actually inside-out and on the outside and the outside part right-side out but on the inside. Then you turn it and it comes out perfect. It almost feels like you are performing a magic trick. It still amazes me every time I do it.

I'm not sure if I can pick a favorite thing I've ever made. That's such a tough question to answer. I suppose it's a lot like asking me my favorite child! I'll pick one thing to share:



So these socks were the first socks I ever knit. Which is a HUGE deal. Socks are scary and required some new techniques for me. So it was a big deal. I knit them at the time for my now 11yo. She requested socks and picked out the yarn (I want to say she was 5/6 at the time?). So that made it super special. The socks have since been worn by the other two kids too. And every time a child wears them it makes me smile. I love it. =)


Jessie said... I would like to know if you are working on any current projects. I also would like to know what one thing you enjoy eating or drinking right now, or has all enjoyment of food and rink temperarily gone away?


I am currently working on a sweater (for me) and a scarf for my oncologist - who has been so amazing to me and retires at the end of the month. The knitting is slow going. The current chemo is causing lots of issues with my hands/fingers. It often feels like I'm wearing a much too tight pair of gloves. My fingers feel stiff and the insides feel much to big for my skin. I know that must sound weird. It's almost like feeling swollen, but I'm not actually swollen. It is making it tough to knit (among other things). Everything is slow going. I admit, this has put me in a foul mood. I am finally in the mood to knit (the first medicines took away all my desire to do anything crafty at all) and my fingers don't work. I've complained. A lot. About it.


As far as eating goes, my stomach is still picky, but s-l-o-w-l-y getting less so. I've been craving a lot of salad lately and grapes. I could eat salad and grapes all day. And cheese, but only mild-sharp cheddar. No other kind. So strange. That is mostly what I've been eating though. I figure it's not that unhealthy so you know, I'll run with it and see where it takes me!

A real conversation ...

2011-09-01T17:33:00.001-05:00

So this year we are working on report writing with the 11yo. She is less than thrilled with report writing. It's hard. It's boring. Lots of sighs when it's time to do it, etc, etc.

So today we had this conversation

her: Just teach me grammar and spelling. It's all I need to know. I'll never have to write reports.
me: Yes, you will have to write reports. Writing is a key for so many jobs.
her:
me: Even if you go into fashion design like you want, you may have to write reports about your business if you want people to give you money to make more clothes and other things.
her: Well, let's be honest. If that happens, I'll just hire you to do that part for me.

And now? I'm the one sighing LOL!

As an aside, she played at freerice.com today and earned 680 grains of rice to help end hunger just by practicing multiplication!

Your questions: Homeschooling

2011-08-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

So today we'll hit the questions that pertain to homeschooling.

Rebecca asks "Dang, Erika stole my question. So, I'll ask this: what made you decide to homeschool? How did you know you'd be good at it? And as your kids get older, how do you deal with the subjects you don't know as much about as you need to? (If there are any such; I am embarrassed to admit how young my son was when I was no longer able to help him with his math homework just out of my own head.)"

I decided to homeschool while I was in college getting my teaching degree. Yes, amazingly enough I am a certified teacher in my state and can teach in any k-8 classroom. (okay, I *think* my certification expires soon or maybe expired this month so I probably can't say that for much longer and be truthful about it}. Let me preface this by saying there are AMAZING teachers in this world. I know some of the best. I also, sadly, saw some of the worst. I do not think the worst make it for long. I think they quit, give up, but the truth is some kids have them for the year or two they hang in there. When I received my degree, my oldest was 3.5 and my youngest was 9 months old. That colored a lot of what I thought. I didn't want to risk them having the bad teachers. Not even for one year.

So I started looking into homeschooling. Did I know for sure I could do it? Um no. But I figured if the state of IL would let me teach an entire class of kids, I couldn't do much worse for a few kids at home. We started off pretty structured, but then stumbled into unschooling pretty quickly. So for a very long time, most of our homeschooling curriculum, we did whatever we wanted with no worksheets, textbooks, etc. I don't regret one second of it. I think my kids had lots of time to be kids, to learn and explore the world around them in a very nontraditional way. And it works. It works differently than school - by that I mean yes, they are behind in some areas. However, they are ahead in others. So basically, they are like all kids - they have strengths and weaknesses and we work with that.
This year, we left the unschooling behind and are now doing formal learning. It's an adjustment for us all. We now take tests and do worksheets. We study and make note cards. We drill with flashcards. We have due dates for assignments. The transition, especially for my 11yo, has been a lot easier than I anticipated. There is a lot they already knew - and we never had to waste time doing worksheets about 1+2. It's a bit harder for my 8yo - that said, I wish we could wait until she was 10 to make this transition for her as well. However, given both girls are almost positively going to school next year, I can't wait to make the transition for her. In an ideal world though, we'd unschool until 6th grade and then go formal. {That was always the plan, but cancer kind of changed it all}

As to what happens when I don't know something ... I do what I'd do if I was the classroom teacher ... I research it. I try to learn it all before we jump in, but often I'm learning right along with my girls. Here's the thing. When I was in college, I didn't in 2 years learn everything I might possibly have to teach from kindergarten to 8th grade. Often when a curriculum changes or a teacher switches grade level, that teacher has to prelearn what s/he is going to teach his/her class! It's true. So a teacher might have a teacher's guide with all that information in one spot ... but between google, the library and just asking people I know, I can gather up what I need and I'm good to go!

I think I like learning along with the kids the best. I like to tell them I don't know ... I like them to see I'm still learning and curious about things and looking stuff up. That learning doesn't happen only at school and stop once you graduate. I think all parents do this with some stuff. We've all been faced with questions we don't know, I just think I get them more since they are home with me all day.

Tracey asks "What do you like best about homeschooling? What do you like worst about it?"

I like best - having them all home all day =) What I think is worst about it? Is having them home all day!

No really. It's true, although mostly it's the best thing. I love them being home. I love them having more time to just be kids (even now with doing formal learning, we finish in 2-3 hours) and explore and play and just be. I think too many kids are already caught up in the rat race and don't have enough time to just be. Actually, I think too many adults are that way too, but that's a talk for another time!

That said, I'd be lying if I told you there weren't days I long to put them on the bus and get a break. That there aren't days I wonder if I've permanently screwed them up by keeping them home instead of sending them to school. That there weren't days I wonder why we decided to take a path that is not the normal one. But on the other hand, other parents have doubts at times too. So I think most of those doubts don't come from me homeschooling my kids so much as me parenting my kids.

Anymore questions, please feel free to ask! =)

Out of ideas ...

2011-08-25T20:23:00.000-05:00

My dear readers,

I never thought I'd say this, but I feel like I'm out of things to talk about. Or that I'm to the point where I'd just be saying the same thing over and over again. I think my brain is just a bit fried right now.

So I'm asking for your help. Please, I beg of you, leave me some questions in the comments area. I'll answer them over the next few posts. They can be about anything at all. I mean anything. If I don't like it, I just won't answer! Ha ha! =) Although I can't think off the top of my head what I wouldn't answer, so I doubt that will be an issue.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a great day. Leave me questions. It would make my day =)

The Future ...

2011-08-24T00:16:00.000-05:00

Last week my husband and I were able to go out to dinner alone. This is huge deal. We haven't gone out on a "date" in so long. It seems most of the year was wrapped up with sickness and then just as we left all the winter illness behind we were hit with my cancer diagnosis.

Anyway, we got out and it was so nice. While we were out husband started to talk to me about our future. He specifically brought up dreams I've talked about greatly in the past. And I can't lie. My anxiety sky rocketed and I couldn't talk to him about it.

You see the future right now is a scary place for me. Don't get me wrong, I feel very positive that this cancer will be gone and I'll go into remission and it won't come back. And yet, I'm terrified that the cancer is not gone. Or it will go away but return again. It's not uncommon for women who have breast cancer like mine to get it 2, 3, even more times in their lifetime.

That knowledge makes thinking about, planning for, or even dreaming about the future very difficult for me. I need to focus on today. Getting through the now. And once we are through all of this, hopefully I can back to dreaming and planning.

I'm alive ....

2011-08-18T21:18:00.000-05:00

I'm here and alive. I just haven't been on the computer too much lately. Sorry about that. I hate to leave everyone hanging, but sometimes it's just hard to get on here.

So here's an update:

Last week I started my new medicine. I am now on Taxol and Herceptin. The Taxol I get every other week for 8 weeks. The Herceptin is every week for 8 weeks, then it switches over to every 3 weeks for one year. Yes, you read that right ... I will be on Herceptin for one year. The good news is the as far as I can tell the herceptin has almost no side effects (there are other things going on that I don't believe are related to this medicine, but it's hard to tell with the taxol right now) and only takes 30 minutes to get so those visits aren't hours long.

The Taxol is much much much much (yes, we are stressing the much) easier than the other two medicines were. That being said, over the weekend I was hit with intense muscle/joint pain that essentially kept me in bed all weekend. The blessing here is that it happened over the weekend, when Saint Husband is home to, well, do everything!

My energy is still tanking. The chemo has been and continues to lower my red blood count every week. It is very likely that soon I will have to get a blood transfusion because of the red blood cell count. I won't lie, thinking about getting a blood transfusion scares me. I know it's safe but still. There is fear there. But. I'm also committed to doing whatever it takes to get through this in one piece, so if we have to add that to the list of things to do, so be it.

However, that is not the most nerve-wracking things on my mind right now. Maybe you've heard it - it's just starting to hit news outlets, but there is a shortage of many chemotherapy drugs in the US right now (here's one article if you are interested). Taxol (yes, the one I'm on right now) is one of the drugs there is a shortage of. My oncologists office does not day to day whether it will be available. Last Wednesday when I went they had it, but tomorrow? The next day? Next Wednesday when I go into get it again? It may not be available. My doctor has a back-up medicine they will use instead, so I won't have to go without chemo while we wait for it to become available. But some people right now are not able to get the chemo they need and it really makes me mad. Also. I don't want a back up plan. I want the plan A. I don't know, cancer and plan B just don't seem like they should go together. But at least there is a back up plan. As I said, some people don't have other medicines they can take instead.

Anyway, that's what's going on around these parts.

Half-way ....

2011-08-11T10:59:00.000-05:00

I am now officially half-way through chemo.

The last 8 weeks have taught me so much. There is so much more that happens during chemo than I ever realized before. So for fun I thought I'd share some tidbits with you.

1. First and foremost, the biggest thing I learned is each person reacts VERY differently to chemo. It's such an individualized response.So keep that in mind as you read my list. It might look very different if someone else wrote it. Also, different medicines have different side effects.

2. In the movies the big thing shown is fatigue and nausea. While both of those do and can happen there is so much more that. Chemotherapy has affected my whole entire body. It has caused havoc on my emotions. It's affected my ability to sleep. It has screwed with my mind. I feel like no part of me was untouched by it.

3. My sense of smell has gone haywire. This is actually pretty common with all chemo, so please keep this in mind if you are going to visit someone undergoing chemo. My nose is hyper-sensitive. Perfumes, food, flowers, etc, all can now make me feel nauseous. We even had to switch some of our soap and our liquid dish soap because the smells were so bothersome to me. People who wear tons of perfume or heavily scented anything, I have to take some steps back from. Walking through the grocery store - all those smells mingled together. Oh my. Sometimes when husband is cooking I have to leave the first floor of the house and go to our bedroom to get away from the smell. If you remember nothing else from this list, please remember this. Almost everyone I know who has undergone chemo had the same issue.

4. Aside from feeling tired and sick to my stomach, chemo has given me sore feet, sore hands, sores on my tongue, sore throat and other stomach problems. I didn't know chemo could do all of that until I went through it. Days when my hands are sore, I can't wear my wedding rings which makes me feel sad. I've had to stop wearing some of my shoes because of my feet. At the height of my tongue sores (which are thankfully doing much better now) it hurt to eat, drink and talk. In addition to this, at times I get muscle and joint pain that can make moving at all extra painful. I've been spared the worst of that. Some people get it much worse. Basically my point is chemo affects your whole entire body.

5. My emotions have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. I blame the chemo. It may not directly cause this emotional roller coaster, but the side effects that I'm dealing with, all the doctors appointments, not being able to do what I normally do around the house, with the kids, with my husband, some days I sleep 18 hours, other days I suffer from extreme insomnia. That's in addition to mentally trying to work through the fact that I have cancer, feeling like my body betrayed me, wondering why I didn't know I had cancer sooner, etc, etc, you can imagine some days I'm just an emotional wreck. Thankfully this is not every day or even most days. But some days it's hits so hard and fast.

So as you can see the chemo can just affect every single part of my body, of my life. It makes sense when you really think about but I didn't fully understand it until I was there, dealing with it.

School's in session

2011-08-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

We started our homeschool year on Sunday.

I originally thought we'd delay the start, but after lots of thinking about it (including toying with the idea of sending all kids to the local pubic school this year),starting early seemed to be a much better option. That way, should we need to take a day off here or there for any medical reasons, we'll already be ahead so to speak and have more lee-way. Although both girls are showing they can work pretty independently, so I'm actually not that worried about it. As long as they know what to do, they are good at getting it done, which is such a blessing!

We also came to the conclusion that 5yo can not continue at his private school this year. So it looks like he will in fact attending kindergarten at the local public school. I've got a call into the school to find out about registering him (since, um, technically, we should have done all of this in the spring for kindergarten! Yikes!). The difference is all day kindergarten vs. half day. I really wanted him at the all day program purely for selfish reasons ... I will try to do as many doctor visits, including radiation which will be daily, while he's in school and all day would have given me more flexibility. But we'll work with what we can get.

Anyway, this year is going to be very bittersweet for me. It appears (but I also know a lot can change in a year) that both girls want to go to school next year. So this could be my last year as a homeschooling mom. I'm heartbroken about this. I can't lie. But I also understand and at this point won't force them to stay home any longer. We'll see how this year goes though and next year is still a long way off.

For now, we'll be toiling away and hitting the books hard. Our big focus this year will be writing, especially for the 11yo. The 8yo will be focusing a lot on spelling.

I figure starting is the hardest part, especially when the neighbor kids are still home. But we've started. 3 days down. 54 more weeks to go ;-)

A fun night out ...

2011-08-06T12:50:00.000-05:00

First, let me preface this with saying you haven't heard much from me lately because I'm stuck in what I am calling side effect hell. It's like the medicine reached it's tipping point and more side effects have been showing up in the last week. But we'll get through and I don't want this post to be about that. Luckily I have something a little more fun to talk about.

My mom's neighborhood is pretty tight-knit. It's pretty amazing actually. If I could, I'd move into her neighborhood it's that wonderful. Many of the women meet at least monthly, and it seems like most of them do things together much more often than that - working out together, vacationing together, etc. I have great neighbors for sure, but we aren't half as close as the neighbor's where my mom lives.

Anyway, one night every month, many of them get together to play Bunco. It's a pretty easy game to play, doesn't really require much skill - you only need to know how to roll a dice. To me, the game is really an excuse to get together, chat, eat good food, and have a good time. Not a bad way to spend one evening a month at all!

This month they invited me, along with my mom to come and join them. They all know the situation. In fact many of them have sent me cards, small gifts, and brought dinners or gift cards to us. They circle around their own and simply by being my mom's daughter, I am considered one of their own.

Anyway, Thursday night I headed on out and had a great time. It was so nice to get out and have a good time. Many laughs were had. I even won a few games. I admit Thursday I was feeling so exhausted I almost backed out of going, but I'm so glad I didn't. I had such a great time.

As a bonus, this Thursday they played for me. You have to pay a bit of money to join. Usually there are winners at the end of the night and the money is passed out t them, and also a bit goes to the hostess. This month, they played for me. At the end of the night I was gifted the money with strict orders to do something fun for myself. Very generous of them all.

It was definitely a great night out. And much more fun than just sitting around at home in my pj's ;-)

You Can Do It!

2011-08-01T10:00:00.001-05:00

Today's post is by Rhonda. Rhonda is another friend I met on twitter who has been so supportive during this time!

Rhonda believes is miracles and true love. She loves to capture life in pictures and scrapbooks. She lives in Kansas with her husband Eric and their toddler Liam. Visit her blog at http://meettherobsons.blogspot.com

She always sits in the back, she doesn’t want to be noticed. She doesn’t say much of anything, would it matter how she felt anyways? She’s doesn’t have many friends, she doesn’t want to have to explain anxiety disorder. She works hard, if she didn’t would she think people thought she was lazy due to her size? She feels like she is left out, are they judging me because of what I am not able to do? When she is mad she losses it, but if she keeps her feelings in no one will get mad if they don’t like what she says. She really isn’t herself, people have hurt her in the past and she doesn’t want a repeat of it.

Yes, that “she” is me. For so many years I wasn’t really who I wanted to be. I was in a marriage that I was afraid to get out of due to panic attacks. I let him and his family control my feelings. I wasn’t able to have an opinion. The past of me being quiet and bottled up continued through my adult years. I had no one to turn to. My family and friends thought all was good. It wasn’t. I struggled through infertility, depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks and agoraphobia. I felt alone in my own home. My life was a hell on earth.

I went through the day to day motions. Work. Wife. I was always searching for happiness. I bought books on it. I read scriptures. Nothing to seemed to work. Happiness was no where to be found. But one day something changed. I wanted a new life. I wanted to leave my husband. Key note here, I married him because I wanted out of the house. I was 19 when we married. I thought I was in love. I thought I was happy. I was at times but deep inside I never was. I can see it not, I couldn’t then. I finally saw all the negative in my life. I needed a change but how? How does someone with panic attacks, anxiety disorder, depression and agoraphobia change the major things in her life? Slowly.

I decided to start with my weight. Over a year I lost 74 pounds by eating right and exercising. I started writing daily affirmations. I would write 10 things each day that was positive in my life. I started getting my voice back. I said what was on my mind. If something bothered me I didn’t bottle it up. Losing the weight was the first step in gaining my confidence and independence from a miserable marriage. I was seeing that I could do things once I set my mind to it. I realized then that I was in control of my happiness and what happened in my life. I was starting to win again!

To make a long story short, we separated. I met the man of my dreams. Someone that loves me for who I am. Someone that I can talk to about anything. Someone that I am not afraid to be myself to. Actually we had known each other for many years. We started dating and realized what we had for each other. About 8 months later I found out I was pregnant. After 3 loses I was afraid but my miracle came. My son is the joy of my life. We got married last year on 10/10/10! Life is what I always wanted it to be.

I am now 40. Do I look at those years as a waste? No, I needed to grow. I needed to believe in myself before my son came into my life. I need to have happiness. I strongly believe that we go through tough times to make us stronger and learn. Is it fair? No. We all have different needs and issues but what we all have in common is the need to be happy. Life is too short to be unhappy. I didn’t see that through anxious eyes. I thought I was happy when I went shopping or ate. Oh how I have learned that is so not true.

If you need a change in your life make it happen. It won’t happen right away. For me it was 5 years before I was strong enough to let it all end. I still need work on things that deal with anxiety but it is getting better. Be happy. Enjoy those everyday moments that we all take for granted. Life your live they way YOU want to. Do not let others determine your life. It is so worth coming out of your shell and seeing the world through your eyes. You can do it!

Cherry Slushies, Inspired by Brandie

2011-07-29T10:00:00.000-05:00

Today's post is by Eryn, whom I first met over on twitter! And is just an amazing, supportive friend.

Eryn is a homeschooling mom of two kids that are FAR better behaved than she deserves. You can find her crafting, homeschooling & cooking escapades at her blog, Hearth to Heart or you can find her tweeting snarky things she should probably regret in the morning on Twitter as @Leighbra.

Chemo takes a lot of things from you. Your energy, your hair, your appetite. Brandie told me recently that one of the few things she could keep down is Sonic's Slushies. I laughed, because immediately after a dental surgery last month, all that existed to me in the world was Sonic Drive-In. My hero husband drove two towns over to get me to one.

This is a recipe that allows you to get your slushie fix, without putting on pants. The recipe is open to interpretation; you can add sugar, change up the juices, add fresh fruit. You are the boss of this recipe.

Cheery Cherry Slushies:

In a blender, pour:
1 can lemon-lime soda
2 cups 100% cherry juice (in this case, Cherry Pomegranate)
HALF a packet of Cherry Kool-Aid
1/3rd a cup of Splenda OR alternatively 1/4 cup of sugar. Modify to taste.

Fill blender 4/5ths of the way with ice

Blend until desired consistency

Serve IMMEDIATELY*

This recipe makes about 4 servings, because Brandie is a mama & no mama can enjoy homemade slushies with pesky kids giving her the "Where's mine?" face.

If a little vodka somehow sneaks into your recipe, who are we to judge?

Feel better, Brandie. Know that you're loved & we're all thinking about you. And Sonic. We're all thinking about you & Sonic.

*We are not responsible for any incidents of brain freeze. Slow down, silly!

Cancer makes you do crazy things ...

2011-07-28T13:26:00.000-05:00

First let me preface this with I'm generally a non-violent person. I believe an eye for eye makes the whole world blind, etc, etc. But sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures and you do things you never thought you'd do. Also, no on was injured during this.

I've often said I wish cancer was a person so I could go and beat him up. I never wanted to beat a person up before, but this time, I felt the need to just punch something. I suppose we could have gone to a gym and hit a punching bag. I didn't think of that until the other day. We have extra dishes here I could have thrown. But we don't have a safe place to throw them what with the kids often walking around barefoot and me being paranoid that we wouldn't clean all the pieces up.

But Monday I had a doctor's appointment where I was sharing how stressed and emotional and just upset in general I was. And the doctor suggest maybe a shooting range. Keep in mind I've never shot a gun. Never had a reason to shoot a gun. But I am lucky ... my parents own a farm and sometimes they have to take care of animals, so I called my dad and asked if I could come out and do some shooting.

My target

My dad teaching me how to load a gun

First shot

Which by the way it's not easy to shot a gun - which isn't a bad thing I don't think.

MY best shot almost smack in the middle!

I shot 17 rounds. I missed quite a few of the first ones. But I think overall I didn't do so bad!

Close-ups if you are interested:

I can't say I'll even want to pick up a gun and shot again. I can say however it was a great stress relief and did feel good to be shooing at cancer {and yes, being in a safe place where I didn't have to worry about anyone getting hurt}.

*As a side note. my scarf, which I wore precisely for this on purpose because it just has that wild factor to it, came from Tracey over at Just Another Mommy Blog!

Last one ...

2011-07-27T11:33:00.000-05:00

Today I go in for what should be my last bad chemo treatment. I'm exited about this but also dreading it. Happy it's the last one. But I know what's coming. At least a week of feeling pretty darn icky.

But it's a small price to pay to get to be here for a long, long time. So even though there's a part of me that wants to call and cancel my appointment, I won't. I'll show up. I'll take my medicine and then I'll come home and climb into bed and hope the worst passes quickly.

For you though, this time I've gotten a few guest posts to share so the blog won't be completely empty. My only rule for the guest posts was there were no rules. I told them to write about anything they wanted to. I think it will be fun to have some different posts on here. I like having guest posters. I think I'll try to do it again someday.

{Also, if you want to guest post, let me know! Pop me an e-mail at Brandie185 (at) gmail (dot) com. I'd love it!}

As for me, I'll probably be doing a lot of resting for the next week or so. And also, probably celebrating making it through the first four doses of chemotherapy. Because truly? It feels like a huge accomplishment to me. I'm proud of me for getting through. More than once I wished I could have quit. But I didn't. A lot of that is because of all the support I've been given. So thank you all for that.

Finally!

2011-07-26T21:25:00.000-05:00

Last night a friend dragged me out of the house {okay, just semi-dragged me} to go and see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. I've been dying to see this, but it felt like the cancer and chemo had conspired against me to make it so it wouldn't happen. Normally, I would have gone at midnight to see the movie, but not this time.

We went to the drive-in to see it. Which was nice. I was able to bring food/drinks I knew I could tolerate. While I'm positive I'm the last person on Earth to see this movie, I won't say anything just in case you are still waiting to see it other than to say, it was good. But the book? Way way better! Then again I'm pretty sure I've never thought a movie was better than the book so it's the nature of the beast.

It was so nice to get out - I hadn't really been out in a while.

In other news: WIWOMH today:

Today I'm wearing a simple scarf. I bought it at Target or Kohl's (I'm sorry I don't remember which store). It might be one of my favorite. Just simple cotton but I love it. It doesn't hurt that purple is my favorite color ;-)

WIWOMH 7/25

2011-07-25T16:52:00.000-05:00

Today I am wearing this upon my head:

I bought it for myself shortly after diagnosis knowing my hair would be falling out. It was a treat so to say to myself.

I thought you should also see my shirt today because well, it's awesome and it rocks. It reads "Yes, they're fake The real ones tried to kill me >>Support Breast Cancer Advocacy<<

I think it's funny. Plus I had a visit with the plastic surgeon today so it was a fun shirt to wear there!

Harder

2011-07-25T11:00:00.000-05:00

It's the sad truth. Some things are getting harder. It's getting harder to recover after each dose of chemo. The first dose I felt back to normal after a week. Now we're 1.5 weeks out and I still feel like a mess.

I've been more sick too. It's not constant. It comes and goes. It's mostly my stomach - I won't go into details other than to say, one minute I'm fine and then wham. I'm sick and feeling like crap for half the day. I hate to make plans. Just yesterday we were supposed to go to my mom's for dinner and had to cancel because I got sick right before it was time to leave. So we didn't go. We stayed home.

So I haven't really been making plans. Fearing I'll get sick and have to cancel last minute. Which feels worse than having nothing to do to me.

But it's getting harder. And I'm 6.5 weeks down out of 16. I go in Wednesday for the next dose. And I feel like I'm not sure I'll be recovered from the previous dose this time. The bonus is Wednesday is the last of what is the hardest medicines for me. Then we switch to ones that are supposed to be nicer, easier, gentler. And I pray that it is. Because it's getting harder to get through each treatment.

WIWOMH 7/24

2011-07-24T14:35:00.000-05:00

Today I am wearing this pink hat on my head. I knit* this.

I'm not really knitting much these days. Honestly, chemo has kind of caused me to temporarily (at least I hope) not want to knit much. It's too hard, takes too much thought, etc. Maybe if I just knit some simple scarves with no thought required? I don't know. I hate that I'm not knitting much (or even attempting sewing, stitching, anything else) but every time I pick it up, it just feels all wrong. I chalk it up to another side effect that will go away and hopefully sooner rather than later!

Anyway, I also took this picture using the camera in my computer. It's not the greatest shot, but it is the easiest for me to take. So we'll trade ease today for a bad picture. Because that's just how the day goes sometimes!

*For those wondering the pattern is the lace trim cap from this site. I used Aimee yarn from Louisa Harding. And followed the pattern as written.

WIWOMH 7/21

2011-07-21T21:07:00.000-05:00

Today I'm wearing this on my head

Oh yay, kind of a trick as I'm wearing nothing on my head. You may have heard but we're having this little heat wave around here. And I didn't need to leave the house today so I stayed uncovered.

Anyway, I also wanted to show you my bald head because I don't know if you can tell but I have a little bit of hair left. I kind of look a little like a fuzzball actually. But there is some hair. It's hanging on. I feel like it's telling the cancer f**k you ... you can't take all of us.

I'm also lucky because I still have eyebrows and eyelashes. Also, my leg hair seems to be growing back from when I last shaved, albeit slowly. But ha ha ha, cancer didn't take it all. And some days that feels pretty darn good.

WIWOMH* 7/19

2011-07-19T16:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the first edition of *What I'm Wearing On My Head. I've been meaning to do this since the hair loss but well, I keep forgetting and life keeps moving forward despite me looking for that pause button some days.

Today I am wearing this gorgeous scarf gifted to me by my friend Rachel and family (and no, she's not online so I can't link you anywhere).

I've been generously gifted many many things to wear upon my head. I think I could wear something different every day for many days. So I'm going to try to share one thing every day. Try is the key word here.

A bit of honesty

2011-07-19T00:26:00.000-05:00

Note: I originally wrote this post in late May. I wasn't going to originally share it. I was going to just let it sit in draft form forever. But a recent conversation with my husband made me rethink it. I didn't go back and edit it. It's pretty raw. But it's real. And even now? This part feels really hard to share with the world, but I figure I've shared everything else with you, so why stop now? It's real. It's raw. It's not the prettiest thing. But there it is.

Earlier this week I had the pleasure of taking a shower. And yes, it was my first shower post surgery and it seemed like it took forever for the doctor to give me permission. So the shower. I mean, it just felt so nice. And needed. And great.

But, you know. Okay, maybe you don't know. And I'm trying to find the right words. But I'm struggling. Because I don't know, maybe it's too much sharing. But at the same time, it helps me to work things out when I share here.

Anyway, the shower was lovely. But the thing is my bathroom has a pretty big mirror in it. And I haven't really looked in a mirror until that point. I mean, I've brushed my teeth and technically I have looked in the mirror. I guess I just haven't really looked at myself in the mirror. And it's no secret (or won't be the first time you look at me) that my body has changed just a tiny bit. And by tiny I mean a whole lot. And I know this. I knew this going into surgery. But it's one thing to know it and it's another to see it. And yes, it's a very small price to pay to get this cancer out. Still. You know, my body has changed. And while I've mostly accepted it, it can be hard to actually see. Because things are different. And there's this whole part of me that's, well, it's gone now.

I know I'm kind of tap dancing around this here. But my breasts? They are gone now. Just gone. Only one straight line of stitches is left in their place. And it's strange and weird and sad and even a bit depressing. Because it's like all of a sudden - standing in my bathroom - boom. It all just hits me. Right there. Like a punch in the stomach.

And oh yes, I know. I'm still beautiful. And I'm lovely on the inside. Yes, yes. I hear it. I believe people sincerely mean it when they say it too. And yet, there is still a small part of me that I need to convince myself that that is true. And I also know that I am the only person who can really convince myself of that, that I need to believe it's true. And I also have faith I will get there, it just won't happen overnight.

It's just another part of the process I have to get through right now. Another step in this journey.

Finally ...

2011-07-18T21:39:00.000-05:00

a post not about me!

Yesterday mister man did this:

Yep. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt and yesterday was his turn.

Actually, I feel a little badly about it. Because it was so hot yesterday we pulled out a kiddie pool we had for the kids to splash around in. He jumped in and out and one time slipped and went down. He kind of cried. More like he whined. And whined. And he told us "I broke my arm. I need an arm cast like big sister had."

But he wasn't screaming. And for a while he sat and watched tv and didn't make a noise - except to occasionally tell us he broke his arm and could we take him to the doctor yet? We soon realized he was fine as long as he didn't move his arm, but moving it was a problem. So husband took him to the er, just in case.

Good thing too! He's being pretty cute about it now that he has his cool glow in the dark cast that everyone can sign.

Anyway, just another day in the life. Just more fun around here. =)

Blah, blah, Whine, blah, blah

2011-07-14T17:10:00.000-05:00

First I advice you to get some cheese before reading this because there is lots of whine coming your way. Starting with I'm taking a break from being sick to even write this.

For the last 2 movies and the last 3 Harry Potter Books, the oldest and I have made a date of going at midnight to see the movie or pick up the book. It was our thing. Funnily enough, she wasn't even reading the books when she went with me to the release parties and getting the books. Usually people came with us. Once it was just the two of us. I loved it. She loved it.

This year we had big plans - we were going to the movie. We'd have approximately 6 other people with us. It's the final book. We were going to do it right.

And then along came cancer. And chemo. And it just so happens that chemo was yesterday and Harry Potter comes out today. Which try as I might I can't make the movie. So now she is going with her best friend and her best friend's mom (also my close friend). Part of whom we would have been going with anyway. Which is fine. Except I don't get to be there.

We thought maybe I could go next week and whoever wanted to see it twice, could tag along. And now, now I can't even see it next week. Because now we know for sure (since it's happened twice) my white blood cell counts will plummet and a theater probably isn't the best place for me. And since I'd like to not end up in the hospital, who knows when or if I'll get out to see it. And even if I could go in 3 weeks or pretend it's in the theater 2 months from now. It still wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be at midnight on opening night with my daughter. And i can't lie. It sucks big time. It's like another thing cancer has taken away from us. And darn-it. I'm getting pretty darn tired of it. I can't wait to kick cancer to the curb and get it out of my life forever. And forever.

I'm Lucky ...

2011-07-12T20:58:00.001-05:00

Sometimes even I need a reminder ...

I'm lucky I was diagnosed with breast cancer. A cancer in which a lot is known and the doctors are well aware of how to treat it.

I'm lucky I have insurance. I can't imagine how we'd pay the bills otherwise. No. Actually I can imagine. We'd be paying them for the next many many years.

I'm lucky we had (albeit not large) savings. Because even with insurance, there are portions we have to pay. And they add up quickly.

I'm lucky because of all the help we've had. Since Mid-May we've been getting 3-4 meals a week. How blessed we are. It's been a huge help. And we're so appreciative of it.

I'm lucky because of all the support we've had. I'm pretty sure there are hundreds of people out there praying/sending good thoughts/thinking of me. Many of whom I've never met.

I'm lucky because I'm in the hands of some amazing doctors. I've heard from other medical profesionals how wonderful my doctors are. I'd like to say it's because I researched it and picked only the best, but the truth is it's only by chance I landed with the doctors I've landed with.

I'm lucky I have family and friends close close. Especially my mom. She has been an amazing god send to us during this time. She's here almost on a daily basis. Drives me to my appointments and helps with the kids without complaint. That's just one example. All of our family and friends have been amazing.

I'm lucky because of all the on-line support I've been given. many of you whom I've never met in real life, and yet, there you are thinking of me. Sending me well-wishes and supporting me. I'm blown away by it all.

I'm lucky because I have am amazing, supportive husband. I've heard some stories. And wow. Some men are absolute jerks. But my husband is not one of them. And I thank God for this man every day.

Did you miss me?

2011-07-11T20:05:00.000-05:00

I've been MIA again. I'm sorry. I don't mean to disappear. So here's what happened.

Wednesday was one of those days where I spent a lot of time crying (this should have been clue number 1). And I felt pretty darn tired (clue number 2). And I was cold for most of the day. (clue number 3). But you know, really, I haven't had a whole lot of "normal" days so I didn't think much of it.

So we get all the kids to bed. Hubs and I climb into bed. He kisses me good-night very sweetly on the forehead. And then he gets that concerned look on his face and wants to take my temperature. In my head, I'm thinking fine, whatever, just let me go to bed. Yeah, 101.0. Which during chemo means trouble. So we call the doctor and get sent to the ER.

Which let me tell you, is absolutely no fun at all. So we run lots of tests. And we decide that we need to start some antibiotics as a precaution. And here, here is where it gets super fun. Almost as soon as they hook me up to the antibiotics, major stomach pain. Which leads to some severe vomiting. Which leads to a majorly huge panic attack. Which leads to them giving me both anti-nausea medicine and some Ativan.

Things finally calm down. Antibiotic is done. And they decide to release me (yay!). But silly me, I had to go to the bathroom. So we have discharge papers and prescription in hand. And I need to pee. Which is fine. Except, um, I passed out in the bathroom.

My blood pressure bottomed out. And apparently, if you pass out while still in the ER, even if you've been discharged, you get automatic admittance to the hospital. So I was there until Saturday at noon.

The only plus I can say is the staff was awesome and amazing. Of course, I didn't actually want to be there. I wanted to just be home. But I suppose with all that was going on, being there did make the most sense. On another good side, everyone knew who my oncologist was and I heard nothing but wonderful things about him. It seems everyone really respects him as a doctor. I already liked him, but now I like him even more.

Anyway, I hope to never have to repeat this experience again. Unfortunately, odds are against me this time. The doctor explained to me that once it happens with one cycle, it's much more likely to happen with the rest of them. We'll do some more stuff to try to prevent it. But thank goodness there are only 2 more cycles of these meds to go.

Please, don't stare ....

2011-07-05T23:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight I ventured out of the house. I won't lie. Today had already chewed me up, spit me out, and then stomped on me just for good measure. But it was something for a kid and so I went.

And when I showed up, several other mothers visibly stared at me. I mean they didn't even try to hide it. Now, I know I wasn't having wardrobe malfunctions, no spinach in my teeth, etc, etc. I did have a headscarf on. And I'm pretty sure it's obvious I'm not wearing it as a fashion accessory. But, please, please I beg of you. Don't stare at me.

I get it. I'm now a walking reminder that bad things can in fact happen any time to anyone. And that can make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe you are feeling sympathetic and wondering if there is anything you can do to help - but feeling like you can't because we are virtually strangers. Maybe you are really thinking I'm wearing a head scarf as a fashion accessory and you think it's a hideous choice. I don't know.

But I know you are staring at me. And it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. It makes me wonder if I should break the ice with a hi. Or should I think of something clever like "take a picture - it lasts longer". Or do I pretend to not notice? Do I stare back? I don't know. Tonight I happen to be talking to someone else - a friend who knows everything going on - so I didn't have to do anything but keep talking to her and pretending I didn't notice. But I did notice. And I didn't like it.

Because here's the thing .. even if you have the best of intentions. I already feel super self-conscious. I'd like to be able to tell you that I'm holding my head up high and rocking the baldylocks look, but come on, you all read this blog. You know I'm not there yet. So when you stare at me, it makes me feel like turning around and running home as fast as I can. Even if you have the best of intentions. Because I can't read your mind. All I can see is you staring at me. And well, it's pretty darn uncomfortable.

So please, please don't stare. Love, me =)

The hardest thing ...

2011-07-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

Well this weekend it became obvious it was time to shave the hair. I feel stupid admitting it, but this is the hardest thing I've done so far. Yes, including surgery and chemo. {Okay, if I'm being truly honest, telling the kids about the cancer was the hardest thing so far, but this was a very very very close second}.

Anyway, it might have seemed harder because I was still sick from chemo when we shaved it. And I talked a big game - I said we'd mohawk it or some other crazy thing, and when it came time to actually shave it, I wasn't feeling well and I was so emotional about it all. We ended up not doing anything fun ... we just did it.

Ugh. I'm still not okay with it. I just really hate it. Many a tear has been shed over this hair thing. And I feel kind of bad- like I always tell the kids the outside doesn't matter, and yet, clearly, it does otherwise I wouldn't care so much.

Anyway, my kids - they rock. I haven't talked much about them here, I know. Not because they aren't awesome, but it feels strange to talk about something so personal to them on here to the whole world - if that makes any sense at all. But it's true - it's not just me who has cancer, it's all of us. And I have to brag for a moment and let you know that my kids are handling absolutely the best they can. I'm constantly blown away and amazing at how just awesome they are being during this time.

And today, today, proved no less. Today the girls begged and pleaded to let me let them cut some of their barbie doll's hair. I didn't want to. I want to save them all for the grandchildren and have them looking lovely and nice. But then I paused. A) They asked. I cut my barbie's hair but I most certainly didn't ask first and B) They are barbie dolls. Perspective can be such a lovely thing LOL! So I told them they could do just a couple and have fun. A little while later I was presented with Brandie Barbie.

I love the bandanna (which they made). But it gets even better, when you take off the bandanna ...

I mean, how cool is that? I never in a million years expected to have a Barbie modeled after me. Aren't I super lucky? I am ... not because of the Barbie though ... it's because my kids rock. And just have a way to always put a smile on my face.

More fun news ....

2011-06-29T14:11:00.000-05:00

So, you know, sometimes retail therapy is a good thing. So today I indulged in some retail therapy and purchased these two shirts:

This one is available at cafepress here

And this one is available, also from cafepress here

I hope they arrive soon so I can wear. {And no, I'm not bald yet, but I am preparing for it!}

Blah, blah, blah ....

2011-06-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

I really have nothing to say today.

Later I go for my second chemo treatment. Last time I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. This time I'm nervous because I know exactly what to expect.Ha ha! =)

If it's anything like last time, I'll probably be pretty silent for about a week. We'll see. Secretly I'm hoping that it goes much smoother this time. Like my body will have completely adjusted to chemo and there won't be any side effects at all. Hey, a girl can dream, can't she? ;-)

The plus side here is the first round of treatment is 4 doses. So after today I will be half-way through. We'll pretend for a moment that there isn't a second round of treatment to follow. Because I'm just taking it one step at a time.

Anyway, that's all. Hope all of you have a great 4th of July if I don't get to talk to you before! =)

Wig Shopping

2011-06-26T00:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my lovely mother and I went wig shopping. We each bought a wig. I LOVE the wig she bought - it's perfect for her. She loves the wig I bought. She says it's perfect for me. I bought it on her recommendation.

The truth is I don't think I would have liked any wig they put on my head, even if it was a wig, made with all of my hair and looked exactly like my hair looks right now. Because one of the things I hate the most about all of this, is that I have to lose my hair.

Sometimes I complain about my hair, but I actually mostly like my hair. And I like it long. And I hate that soon (yes soon, the falling out should start around Wednesday and be completely done (if we don't shave it before then which I think we will) within 2 weeks) it will be all gone. Having to go buy a wig is just a reminder that it's coming and coming soon.

I know, I know. Hair grows back. I'm told it often comes back looking nicer than before. But still. I'll be hairless. Blargh.

I think, for me, the biggest reason this bothers me is because it's like a shining beacon to the world wherever I go that I have cancer. Might as well just put it on a shirt and wear it out. Oh, well, I mean besides the awesome shirt my mom gave me for my birthday! LOL!

And really, it's silly for me to think that. I imagine the truth is that it's much like when you are 14 and you are positive the entire world is staring at you, watching your every move, when in truth they are too worried about you staring at them to really be staring at you.

Of course, the hair will grow back, this too shall pass. I have lots of pretty scarves and hats and now a wig (well, okay it still needs to be ordered, and trimmed, but they can't do that until I'm bald) to cover my head just in case my bald head is hideous and we didn't know it because my hair was so lovingly covering it!

And still. I wish I didn't need to get a wig. But this is life. And my hair loss is supposed to be short lived. And right now my hair grows quickly and I'm hoping and praying that doesn't change.

{As a side note I wish I had a picture to show you, but after we left I remembered I never pulled the camera out to take one and I really had intended to! Oh well, it will be here soon and I'll show it off then!}

The good, the bad, the ugly ...

2011-06-25T02:10:00.000-05:00

I've been through all of it recently. I know, I know, not surprising.

I haven't talked too much about the bad days though. Mostly because when I'm having a bad day, the last thing I want to do is sit up, stare at a computer screen and type. And that's probably a good thing. Because I'm pretty sure if I did post on those days, it would leave more than a few of you worried.

But the truth is I've had some really bad days. Usually, and thankfully, not really bad days, more like moments. Moments where I'm so angry and pissed off and just can't stop thinking that it's not fair. Because the truth is, it's not fair. It's not fair for anyone to go through this. And yet here I am. Smack in the middle of going through it.

And some moments I'm just sad and weepy and I just can't stop crying.

And some moments I'm all of it wrapped up into one package: angry, sad, mad, having the why me thoughts, thinking it's not fair, and just bawling my eyes out.

I can write about it now because I've had a couple really good days. Which leaves me hopeful ... chemo will be about a week of hell, and then things get better.

Of course there will still be bad days. And there will still be moments where I just can't wrap my mind around all that is happening and stop thinking about how incredibly unfair it all feels.

I'm sharing this because I have a tendency to gloss over the bad stuff around here. I like it that way. But at the same time I'm trying to be honest about everything that is going on. Or maybe I just needed to let it out. I don't know. But there it is.

Down for the count

2011-06-23T10:09:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a very important doctor's appointment. It was for the big blood draw - just to show how low my blood counts would go with the chemo regiment. (Apparently yesterday should be in theory the lowest it drops and hopefully counts are already climbing as I type away).

Well, apparently my chemo is very good. Because my white blood cell counts are super un-fabulously low. Some parts are so low they are non-existant - for those wondering my granulocytes are one of those which is apparently really bad as it leaves me wide open to possible infection/illness/etc.

Awesome. And by awesome I mean totally not awesome. I am now supposed to avoid crowds, sick people, fresh fruits and veggies (and fresh fruit is one of the few things I can tolerate these days in what is fast becoming a very very picky stomach).

Today however is supposed to be my lowest of lowest days (which is why I had to have the all important blood test today). And as I said a few sentences ago, hopefully numbers are already on the rise. But in the meantime the number one job is now to keep me healthy. And to get those counts higher (not that I can do anything about that one though).

I can't lie though. I'm nervous that after every treatment things will drop this low. I'm really hoping though it dropped so low because it was the first treatment and it just sent my body into shock and things will be better next time.

Also, today I sneezed more times than I've ever sneezed in one day for a really long time. By that I mean, you know, a whole 4 times. But every sneeze makes me anxious. One of the kids coughed today. I wondered if I should find a place for them to spend the night, just in case. Which is strange because in general I'm not a germaphobe or even usually slightly worried about stuff like that. I mean, sometimes I have hand sanitizer with me. So I guess I need to change that and always have some with me.

It's not a complete surprise, but at the same time, to drop so low. Really? I mean really? It couldn't have dropped just sort of low? But no. I guess when I do something, I really do it. It's how the whole process has been hasn't it? I haven't gone through one step of this (or at least it feels to me) without being kind of on the extreme side of things. So I guess I should just know by now, this is par for my course.

But. So if you know, you sneeze or cough around me and I jump back or avoid touching you at all, please don't take it personally! I swear it's not you, it really is me! =)

How are you doing?

2011-06-21T12:51:00.000-05:00

No, really, how are you doing? I want to know. I know that some of you are having trouble answering this question for me lately, so I thought I would send you some encouragement.

I think what is happening is this: I ask "How are you doing?" and in your head you think about all the things you could tell me about and then you ask yourself but is this more important than cancer? And then you (wrongly) assume the answer is no and so you don't tell me all the things you could tell me. Instead you say "Oh, nothing. But how are you doing?" And then I get to have another conversation talking all about me.

So let me help you out. Here's is what you should think when I ask you how you are doing ... you need to ask yourself "Am I more important than cancer?" And the answer, my dear friends and family is a resounding YES! Yes you are! Cancer has not affected my heart or my brain. And YOU are much more important to me. And so therefor you should start to tell me all the things going on your life like you would have told me 2 months ago - talk about the kids, the job, the weather, the spouse, the boyfriend, your favorite tv show, that great book you just read - talk to me about all of it!

I get it, it feels awkward at first. Truthfully if the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing in my head - thinking I couldn't possibly bore you with details of my kids latest softball triumph when you have such a major huge thing going on in your life. But here's a secret: you aren't boring me. And also, I get a little tired of talking about myself all the time. I mean I know it sounds fun, for about the first 52 seconds. And then it gets old and boring because conversations can only happen if both people participate.

That's not to say there will be days when I'm just too tired to talk. Or there will be days where you ask me what's going on and I will just unleash a thousand thoughts all at once without even pausing to take a break. But still, please talk to me. It makes me smile and makes me happy. And I love and care about all of you just as much as you love and care about me =)

Frenemy

2011-06-20T12:16:00.001-05:00

"Frenemy" (alternately spelled "frienemy") is a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" that can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitor and rival.[1] The term is used to describe personal, geopolitical, and commercial relationships both among individuals and groups or institutions. The word has appeared in print as early as 1953.
~from Wikipedia

I now have my first official frenemy. It's not pretty. I didn't want it to come to this. I wanted dearly to just be friends. Not even best friends, I mean, it's not like I wanted to go skipping off under a rainbow holding hands or anything like that. Just friends would have been okay.

But no, it just couldn't work that way. So here I am. With my first frenemy. My frenemy's name ... chemotherapy.

Yep. I had my first treatment last Wednesday. They warned my it would be rough. The doctor told me it would be hard. I didn't listen. I thought for sure I'd rise above it. I'd breeze through it. No big deal. Wrong.

It could have been worse. And I'm holding that thought dear in my heart right now. It could have been so much worse than it was. Other people have suffered so much worse than I did. But. Still. It sucked and I felt like crap. There's just no way around it. And it hit fast - much faster than I anticipated - not even 6 hours after treatment.

Things are still lingering - mostly nausea, headache, general achy-ness, just feeling crappy in general, not really being able to sleep. Also, I'm so amazingly dry - I drink and drink and drink, but I'm still so dry.

Again, I realize these symptoms could be so much worse. And I'm trying to keep that in perspective. But I can't lie - many tears were shed by me, many meds to offset the side effects of chemo were taken. {Thankfully one of them made me very sleepy and so a lot of sleeping also happened}.

But one round down. Three more in this treatment cycle to go. I'm a quarter of the way there. And I'm praying the next 7 weeks fly by!

As a side note, the nurses all LOVED my hair. So at least I had awesome hair - bright and colorful. It's kind of hard to walk by the mirror and not smile about the pink and purple hair ;-)

For those who are curious, the two drugs I'm currently receiving are this one and this one.

My hair on my terms .....

2011-06-15T01:07:00.001-05:00

So later today I will go in for my first round of chemotherapy. I admit, I'm nervous about the side effects. I know they will try to prevent as many as they can - but I also know that I don't often respond to medicine as it's always predicted. So there is a small fear I will come home and be nauseous, uncomfortable, have other stomach trouble, etc, etc.

But the truth is that I'm most terrified of losing my hair. My hair. I actually kind of like my hair. No, I really do love my hair. And in about 2-4 weeks it will all be falling out. And I absolutely hate the idea of my hair falling out. Also, it will probably be messy or something like that and just annoying and oh, did I mention I really hate that my hair will be falling out. Because, yeah. I don't want to lose my hair. And if I could prevent it, I would. In a heartbeat.

So with that in mind, I decided I'm losing my hair on my own terms. And as long as my hair is coming out, I'm going to have fun with it. Because, well, mostly because I can! So last night, I took the proverbial bull by the horn and decided I would be in charge of my hair during this time ... not cancer.

Enter Samantha - a lovely girl who came to my mom's to do my hair

And first we bleached my hair

which seems totally shocking - well at least to me.

But we weren't done there.

And all of that together, allows me to look like this:

Seriously, I'm in love with my hair. I'm so absolutely in love with my hair. I can't believe I've never done anything like that before in my life {Until now, I had highlights put in about 12 years ago and until now that's it!}.

So there you go. Cancer is NOT going to be in charge of my hair. It's MY hair. And I'm in charge of it.

Of course, up next in the hair department will be a complete head shaving. I'm thinking maybe a mohawk for a day or so. I mean, I've never had a mohawk (other than when I was like 7 years old and did it with too much shampoo in the bathtub). We'll see. I have a couple weeks to decide. But don't worry, I'll keep you all posted ;-)

Temporary Room ...

2011-06-13T09:16:00.000-05:00

So, while I was in the hospital, I believe my husband talked about we weren't sure where I'd be sleeping when I got home.
The problem was that our bed was sitting on the floor. And it wasn't against a wall so I couldn't stack pillows very well without them all falling off the back.
So, my lovely husband turned our dining room (which by the way is the only place we have a table to eat at in our house) into a bedroom for me. We took the 11yo's bed down and she slept in a tent. {I might add here the tent - it was super fun for a few days and then she was anxious to get her bed back!}.

Anyway, as of last night I am back in our bed. We bought a frame and moved the bed so I can pile on the pillows. But I wanted to show off all the hard work my husband did for me.

First, as you can see, pillow stacking was very very necessary:

Remember my arms were pretty much useless when I came home, so I couldn't push myself up. So I compensated by sleeping at an angle I could successfully use my stomach muscles to sit all the way up LOL!
{Note: the teddy bear came from husband's work and I love her! The DVD player is where I watched many many episodes of Gilmore Girls. And also, it's hard to see but there is a blue and pink pillow hiding that is designed for after mastectomy surgery and they work. So well in fact that when I am feeling much better I will be making some to donate in a pay it forward kind of thing}

The other half of the bed:

So, the green/pink blanket is a prayer blanket from grannie's church. That I love. You can see my shirts we so elequently "hung" on the chair. All my scarves (here's where I admit before all of this I owned one. Just one. It's true!) And I loved being able to look at the kids art work! =)

A chair to sit in:

This is kind of across from the bed. The black curtain behind it was hanging in the doorway to the kitchen. Which doesn't really have a door and is just an opening. So it was nice to be able to block it. He bought a rod and a curtain to put there. Which I loved. Also, that is our cat Marcy. And she spent much time either in that chair or laying with me. It was kind of cute. She doesn't generally sleep with me. I'd like to imagine that she knew I was healing and trying to give me some extra love.

The shot from the front room. Again, the curtain was new and bought just for me. So I could have a bit or privacy.

In general, it was a lovely room. And it was much needed. But I can't lie. I'm glad to be back in my bedroom, in my bed, laying next to my husband. Although, as long as I'm being honest here, I did not in fact miss his snoring! ;-)

12 years ....

2011-06-12T19:37:00.000-05:00

Friday was my 12 year anniversary. For fun, I thought I'd show you a few pictures from our wedding. Okay, the truth is they are pictures of pictures, so not the best quality, but it's fun to look at them anyway!

My daddy walking me down the aisle

My sweetest and I (and yes, I do think we look like children. I didn't always think so, but this year it really feels like it!)

Total bliss:

We've had an awesome 12 years together. I plan to have many many more awesome years with him. And just to make this take forever to load, I'm just going to add a bunch of photos of us. Although, most are recent (thanks to digital photography!)

Him holding our middle and oldest as babies, and our first family photo after baby number 2!

The day I graduated from college:

Going somewhere fancy (but I have no idea where LOL!)

At a (very very very very cold) Bears game. In fact, the game that got them to the superbowl last time they went.

In front of the Sears Tower, just days before it was renamed Willis Tower. (nope, it will always be Sears Tower to me!)

On vacation in New Hampshire:

Leaf fight!

First photo as a family of 5:

At my cousin's wedding:

For a friend's wedding:

Middle girl's birthday:

Anyway, it's been a great 12 years.

I'm around ...

2011-06-05T00:15:00.000-05:00

I'm here and I'm around.

Overall I'm doing pretty well. I just tire so easily. And there are still a million doctors appointments to juggle.

Last week was another big appointment - I met with the oncologist. Not only was a big appointment but a long one - I was there for 2.5 hours and there was very little waiting time!
First let me tell you, my oncologist seriously is amazingly sweet and gentle and kind. He looks like a sweet grandfather (in fact he's retiring in 4 months).

We did a lot of talking. I'll spare you all the details and just give you the "good" stuff. (also, I was given a lot of info, so there's a chance I might amend some of this later)

So, there will be 16 weeks total of chemotherapy. It will happen it two 8 week phases. The first 8 weeks I will go every other week. Each treatment will be about 2 1/2 hours. During this time I will be receiving the 2 strongest chemotherapy drugs on the market. The doctor warned me that this will be rough. They can help with lots of side effects, but the fatigue I've been warned will be intense. Also hair loss will begin after the second treatment. (in preparation for that I'm thinking of dying my hair crazy cause why not?)

The second 8 weeks will consist of two other drugs that will apparently feel like a walk in the park compared to the first two! The second two can't be given at the same time so for that period I will go every week, but get the medicine alternating. The one medicine will take 5 1/2 hours! (why yes, you can come visit me, bring me food, etc!!) the second medicine is (thankfully) 30 minutes. This medicine - called herceptin - I'll continue to get every 3 weeks for 1 year after the 8 weeks is up.

Of course all of this is subject to change because this coming week I have 3 important tests I have te have performed: CT scan, bone scan, and a muga test (a heart test). I wish I could study for this to guarantee I could pass. I'm sure I will. But they mean lots of time at the hospital - 90 minutes one day, 5 hours for the other two tests.

Next week I also get my port put in Friday. Which will be another roughly 5 hours. And to top it off, it's my anniversary on Friday. So this year I guess my present to my husband will be to get cancer free! Poor guy. I mean really can he top that? Actually, not true. If you didn't already know, my husband rocks. And he is the most supportive, helpful, loving husband ever. Which is the best gift of all :)

Anyway, that's about all from here for now.

Big week

2011-05-28T00:41:00.000-05:00

This has been a big week around here.
First I got to come home from the hospital - which is awesome.
Then I got my drains out on Wednesday which helped a great deal with pain/pulling/etc.
Thursday Eric's mom left to return home. And yes, all greatly miss her and I have no idea bow we would have even survived until now without her here to help! I was also able to (finally) take a shower which felt super amazing! Thursday I was also able to drop down to a less powerful pain medicine. Which is good because they all wanted me off the old medicine ASAP.
And Friday, we received the pathology report from the doctor.

It's more or less said what we expected. And yet somehow getting it in writing seemed, well, I don't know - strange, sad, relieving, good, weird, etc, etc.

Anyway, the big news from it is I am stage 3 cancer. We knew it was at least stage 2, and I had hoped it would stay stage 2, but alas, 3 it is. The tumor was just over 10 cm. My understanding (which is still pretty limited) is that this is pretty large. They pulled 7 lymph nodes out. We had guessed that at least one had cancer in it. However 5 tested positive for cancer. This is the part that shocked me the most.

This isn't much different than what we thought, other than more lymph nodes involved. Treatment will be mostly what we thought it would be - chemo and radiation. I was secretly hoping the lymph nodes would end up being clear and so radiation would be taken off the table, but i knew that was pretty wishful thinking.

Anyway, it's been a big week, but overall a good week. :)

Human Again ...

2011-05-26T12:21:00.000-05:00

I love the movie Beauty and the Beast. Belle is my favorite character and the several times we've been to Disney, I get my picture taken with her. I think at first it was her love of reading that drew me in. Anyway, in the movie is a song Human Again (you can see it here if you aren't familiar with it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEGOLMP3wxY&feature=youtube_gdata_player )

Anyway, today that is how I feel. Like I'll be human again and back to my old self sooner rather than later. Which may seem strange, especially after yesterday's post. I know, I know. But yesterday afternoon they removed my drains (which by the way does NOT feel just like pulling a baindaid off thank you very much). And oh my goodness. What a difference that has made.

Granted it's not like someone waved a magic wand and now everything is back to normal. But things are so much better. So much so we are dropping down to a less powerful pain medicine tonight (please cross your fingers it works). My arm movement is still limited. I still am not allowed to lift more than 5 pounds - though honestly 5 pounds seems like too much to me at this point. I have a DVD of arm exercises to start working on now. And a visit with a physical therapist soon.

But today, even though it's technically gloomy and rainy outside, I can feel the sun behind the clouds. I know it's there, waiting to shine down. It doesn't seem so far away and hidden anymore. And what a wonderful feeling that is to me right now.

In other news, my baby sister graduates from high school today. I'm so amazingly proud of her. She is truly amazing, even though she doesn't always believe that. And it's killing me that I'm not able to go to her graduation, but I'm there in spirit and just wanted to brag to all of you about how awesome she is!!!

Hello

2011-05-25T13:16:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone.

First, let me thank you so very much for all the meals, love, support, just all of it that we have received! I am just blown away and so grateful for all of it. Getting through all of this would be so much morer difficult without all of you.

I know I've been pretty quiet. I don't mean to be. But when they told me I'd have limited arm movement/strength after surgery I just didn't quite get it. I mean mentally I understood, I just grasp just what that means. Aft getting home Sunday we realized I couldn't even open my laptop. So Eric opened it up and we thought we'd leave it like that. Until we realized I couldn't sit down in the chair with the laptop desk in front of it and I couldn't move the laptop desk. Right now I'm using the iPad - but still when I'm tired or very sore after doing hard work (by hard work I mean trying to feed myself. Or lift a full glass of water) even the iPad is too heavy too lift.

I don't mean to complain. I also don't mean to scare anyone who may stumble upon this as they are preparing to under go mastectomy surgery. But it's where *I'm* at right now in this moment. I don't have a high tolerance for pain. I'm also learning I don't have a high tolerance for pain medicines. Which isn't necessarily the best combo at this time.

However, every day gets a little bit easier. Every day I can do a little bit more. And while some days a little bit just doesn't seem like enough or seem to take me as far as I want to go, it's forward progress. And really, what kore could I ask for right now? Okay, I admit, I just wish I could knit for a little bit. And I miss hugging the kids. I can't lie, that one is killing me inside. And evreyday my 5 year old tells me he hopes I feel better soon so he can give me a big hug. And it just makes me want to cry (which trust me, I've been doing plenty of) and saying screw the pain, and just come give me the biggest hug that you've ever given in your life. But instead we hold hands. I give him a kiss. He kisses my forehead. And it tides us over for now.

And soon we'll be hugging again. And really, it's a small price to pay to get rid of this flipping cancer. Because in the end we'll have so many more years to hug. And even though some days I have to remind myself of that more than others, I know we'll get through this. I'm not giving up. Cancer will NOT win. It picked the wrong person to mess with. It had no clue how powerful a fight that we all would put up. Because really, you are all fighting along side with me. Every comment, every prayer, every good thought, every (virtual) hug, every bit of kindness you all shower upon me. It helps. You are all here with me, fighting along side. And I'll never forget that. So thank you all so very much.

*I apologize for any typos/errors. I'm not used to typing on this thing. And also, I'm on some powerful pain killers, so I hope this makes even an ounce of sense.